Wednesday, January 4, 2012

yep, it's a BREAST EXAM post

My friend Johannah, who works for Blossom Organics, tweeted me yesterday to say, "don't forget @BlossomOrganics Breast Cream."

I have to admit that I have not once even OPENED the jar of breast cream she sent me with the original tube of lube that has been replaced maybe three times now.

Here's hoping this missive from J will inspire all of us to rub stuff on our boobs:

Until recently I didn't properly appreciate my boobs. In fact, I resented them. They were too big and stretchmark-y. Then I learned to bra them properly, so though I still don't love them naked, they look just fine under clothes. Soon after, I came to realize how much pleasure they could provide (NO IDEA what took so long.)

And then, a few -- yes, more than a couple -- of my friends were diagnosed with breast cancer and I stopped taking my boobs for granted once and for all.

To that end, I have been trying to do regular breast self-exams. They were uncomfortable and kind of scary until I began working for Blossom and using our Revitalizing Breast Cream. This rich, organic cream offers silky glide to make the exam easier and it smells divine (like yellow cake batter).

Now I rub it on my boobs every day so they'll be soft and creamy in case the bra ever comes off in the presence of another. And I'm more familiar with my breasts, so even if I don't do a full-on, according to Hoyle breast exam, I'll be more likely to notice any changes and get them checked out by my doctor (read: nurse practitioner at Planned Parenthood.)

Did I mention my boobs smell like cake batter?

WHATTUP: Blossom Organics has swooped in and offered to sponsor Dear ESB: The Podcast this month!

The first ten people to call (323) 905-4ESB with a question or comment get a free sample of organic lube or revitalizing breast cream. (QUESTIONS DO NOT HAVE TO BE LUBE OR BOOB RELATED)

Just tell me which product you'd prefer and be sure to leave your email address (you won't be added to any lists, I promise).


  1. I jealous that you've been through 3 tubes of lube.

    Must be nice :(

  2. to be fair, one of them was confiscated by airport security.

  3. @woolandmisc you need some, clearly.

  4. Here I was, just pursuing ESB (you know, a normal night) and I read about this cake batter lotion and decided, you know what? My boobs deserve this. Sold.

    AND if you order on, you get a free Blossom lube sample!

  5. has a surprisingly large selection of vibrators.

  6. Best endorsement for I've ever heard!

  7. oh that TSA agent just wanted to get it on later.'s, um, official that blossom organics makes the best lube we've ever tried. thanks esb and johannah!!

  8. dear everyone,

    have your partner do your boob exam on a regular basis. they know your boobs like no other, and it's fun times for everyone involved. and if your boobs smell like cake batter, i bet that will multiply the fun x100.


  9. I'm just gonna say it: TITTY FUCKING. excellent way to lube boobs

  10. Breast exams aren't the most effective way to screen for cancers. It's totally natural to have lumpy breasts, and the majority (like, 80%) of lumps that are found turn out to be part of the normal structure of the breast, or benign. If you want to slather yourself in lube and get you or your partner to rub you down once a month, go for it, but freaking out over every lump is not good self-care.

    (They do inspire some pretty excellent PSAs, though.)

    More effective methods of early detection, like frank conversations with your doctor about environmental and genetic risk factors, mammograms and ultrasounds, and manual exams by someone who is trained to them are a much larger part of the breast cancer dialogue.

    That's my lecture. And I'm definitely pro-titty-fucking as an alternate use for this cream.

  11. Did self breast exams change? Because I don't see how touching your own boob is "uncomfortable and kind of scary."

  12. By uncomfortable I mean, you have to push and prod pretty hard to really check your boobs properly. And by scary I mean, 'cause what if you find something? Otherwise, touching boobs is awesome!

  13. @Anon 12:02 @Johannah i always found it pretty weird myself, once i started prodding. as in, "this texture is weird. WEIRD. how will i know if i find something?? THE WHOLE THING FEELS WEIRD!"

  14. You'll know if you find something. Trust me. Also, I left a comment/question for on your telly ... and my email address, but I might've been whispering because I did it at work and didn't want my boss hearing me say Tit.

  15. PS, for those about to shop, we *just* opened an online store -