Help ASAP!

Thu, Jul 3, 2014 at 8:25 PM

Long story short.

My bridal shower was 2 weeks ago. My MOH spent 3 hours after it talking about her horrible marriage, and the 3 hours during about her "new miracle baby" (she had an iud and it "fell out") and how she "almost died" in labor. I haven't heard from her since the shower. I want to demote her.

I actually want her to not come because she brings her iPad everywhere. And this is her weapon of showing off her baby to my guests. Not so bad, except for I'm going through fertility treatments, so it hurts my soul.

I found out she's on oxy (again), so she's been lying to me about that.

If her husband is so horrible and abusive (I don't think he's as bad as she says) then I don't want him at the wedding.

I don't get a lot of "me" time and parties because I have social anxiety. So she was the center of my shower, but I don't want her the center of my wedding.

When she was pregnant I spent hundreds on her baby gifts and parties and went to all of her ER visits (I am on disability and a full time student and worker) so it was expensive for me. She didn't get me a gift (not a big deal, but she makes 4x what I do per month), so I found it odd.

Can someone help me quick? Wedding is mid-August.

*****

Fri, Jul 4, 2014 at 12:40 PM

How bad is the drug abuse? Are you worried she'll have a meltdown in the middle of your wedding?

*****

Fri, Jul 4, 2014 at 1:44 PM

I'm worried she will have an "allergy attack" or "not feel well" and the ambulance will need to be called. Or she will try and whip out her iPad to show baby pictures to everyone. Apparently at the bridal shower she didn't stop talking about her own wedding and pregnancy and baby at all. 

We're going through fertility issues so her baby talk at my shower really upset me. Every time I try to call her she's "napping."

I'm thinking of hiring someone just to babysit her. 

*****

It sounds like your friend is very unhappy. Maybe she's raving about this miracle baby because it's the only good thing going on in her life. Maybe she's trying to convince herself it's a good thing.

Either way, I bet she has no idea she's hurting your feelings.

Write her an email. Tell her everything you just told us. (Or: Send her a link to this post.) Gently request that she LEAVE THE FUCKING IPAD AT HOME.

And then, yes, hire a babysitter.


Image by Ernesto Artillo

Seeking Sage Advice on Bridezillas and Feeling Like A Shitty Friend

Dear East Side Bride,

I'm in a bit of a conundrum as we speak. Currently, I am set to be one of two MOH's at my friend's wedding.

A little background -- we have been friends for 14 years -- close at times and distant at others -- she is one of my oldest friends. About a year and a half ago, she started dating her now fiance and truth be told, just because of the different things we were going through at the time, we weren't particularly close. Fast forward a few months later, they're engaged, I still don't see her too much and really don't know him very well and can count the number of times I've seen him on one hand throughout their whole whirlwind relationship.

This girl is no low-maintenance bride. When she originally asked me to be a bridesmaid, I knew they would be getting married in Mexico, and no other ceremony had been planned. What started out as a simple destination wedding has turned into a full-blown circus involving TWO full blown weddings --one smack in the middle of Labour Day weekend (of which none of us bridesmaids had been consulted as to whether we will be in town/ available for, but we are all expected to help set-up), a secondary "symbolic" wedding in Mexico a few months later, not to mention multiple out of town day trips in order to find her two wedding dresses, our bridesmaids dresses AND taking a day off of work to do alterations two hours from where we live (We live in a very cosmopolitan city and this girl isn't getting any special deals/special connections to justify doing them so far away).

I've been in a handful of weddings and have plenty of girlfriends who've gotten married, but this is by far the most high maintenance bride I've ever dealt with. Which usually, I would say is fine -- if you like what you like and know what you want and are adamant about it and honest from the get-go, then by all means, go for it. Problem is, she tries to mask her bossiness by asking our opinions AFTER she's already made up her mind about something, and if your opinion goes contrary to what she wants, she claims she's "Pulling out the bride card." Truth be told, she pulled out the bride card the second that engagement ring went on her finger.

I'm not particularly close with the other MOH and bridesmaid, so I have no idea if they're thinking the same thing. Part of me feels like a shitty friend for thinking all these things, especially since the other two are seemingly going on with everything with no muss or fuss, like, Maybe I'M the crazy one. My friend is getting married, I'm supposed to be happy for her -- instead I find myself dreading every wedding-related conversation.

Fast forward to the present day. I am currently going through a difficult time where I've broken up with my boyfriend of 4.5 years, and I'm not feeling particularly supported by her as a friend. When I informed her of my situation with my boyfriend, she exclaimed "Hallelujah! Did you tell your family, are they going to throw you a party?" (A little background on MY relationship -- he's a lovely man, we love each other very much. However, he's been in a place for some time where he has a lot on his plate where it doesn't allow for much to be put into our own relationship and we've only admitted such to ourselves recently.)

The last time I spoke to her about my relationship I mistakenly told them about a particularly reckless period in Lovely Man's life (when he was much younger and years before we met). She and her girlfriend ganged up on me and kept asking "Are you sure he's not cheating on you? How do you know he's not like that anymore?!? Are you SURE about that? How do you KNOW?" I'd like to point out that this is no more than 30 minutes after my own bridezilla friend admitted she has such vivid dreams of her fiance cheating on her, she is convinced they're real and will call him upon waking up,  accusing him of infidelity. And what did I do as she told me this? I politely smiled, lent a sympathetic ear and exclaimed "that's AWFUL!" without flaming out any accusatory questions or statements.

At this point in time, I can't help but dwell upon the fact that I've signed on to invest a lot of time and money into making her happy, yet she can't seem to grasp the basics of Friendship 101 with me. While not all of her demands are completely outlandish, I feel like this has been the straw that broke the camel's back because here I am jumping through hoops for this girl like a goddamn circus monkey, and she keeps trivializing what has been the most important relationship of my life.

So what do I do? Do I bite the bullet, put up with her outlandish demands for another few months, or do I attempt to bow out gracefully, knowing full on that this will definitely affect and potentially end our friendship?

Signed,
Feeling-Like-The-Maid-Of-Dishonor

*****

I know you're writing to ask my permission to bow the fuck out, and here it is....








BOW THE FUCK OUT

Life's too short.


Michal Pudelka for Anonym Magazine

The Special Snowflake, again

Hi ESB,

I just wanted to write and thank you, and your readers, for your great advice about my "special snowflake" sister/MOH and the +1 dilemma. I did what you suggested (pulled my head out of my ass and invited the boyfriend). My mother told me that she thinks I'm a bitch who needs therapy "for putting my sister through such trouble" and the grandparents were less-than-thrilled, but my sister was happy, and all was well. I felt better, sister felt better, things were good.

Then he got sick and missed the wedding and reception anyway.

Win/win?

Anyway, thanks for your advice. It put my mind at ease knowing that I made my sister feel better, and I needed input from somebody outside my immediate circle.

Sincerely,

All's Well That Ends Well

*****

WIN/FUCKING WIN

Sophie Vlaming by Klaas Jan Kliphuis via café au lait

Breaking up with your MOH

Hey there ESB -

First off, I'm a fan - I appreciate the honesty and when you're planning a wedding, hearing other people's horror stories kinda puts things into perspective. So, to all you brides out there, here's mine:

My wedding is way over (almost 2 years now), but the legend of my MOH lives on and actually continues to haunt us to this day --- she still stalks me and my husband. Dead. Serious.

MOH and I have been best friends since high school, but her friendship comes with a few toxic caveats (she's very possessive, not interested in meeting new people, and has a terrible temper). Not that I'm perfect, I can be the flake-of-a-friend who forgets your birthday. We share another mutual best friend who we've also maintained a close relationship with since high school. Both of these girls were in my wedding party.

The trouble started at my bachelorette party (always does, doesn't it?) - somehow through the course of the day it was misconstrued in my MOH's brain that I wasn't giving her enough attention compared to the other girls. She did this weird pouty thing (which is hard to pay attention to at a baseball game), and barely spoke to anyone all night. I noticed her mood but was trying to play host to the rest of my crew - so my ability to decompress her was limited. By the time the evening ended, she had disappeared (supposedly into a cab to head to the hotel) and I was getting frantic phone calls from my husband. She had shown up at my apartment, tired out the doorbell, and spent the rest of the evening crying on my husband. When he finally convinced her to get a cab to the hotel she decided to drive back to the suburbs, to her parents house, drunk. The next day her parents called me and confronted me about "allowing their daughter to drive home intoxicated" citing a lie that MOH told them about how I forced her out of the hotel room. I was so embarrassed.

I talk this out with her and that mutual best friend bmaid and decide to let it go - let's get on with the wedding fun, ya know? Fast-forward to a month later, at the rehearsal dinner, she shows up to the bowling alley 2 hours late and makes this huge scene in front of our families, crying, screaming, and accusing me of wanting our mutual best friend bmaid to be the Maid of Honor and not her. This is all because I gave the ladies the option of staying in the hotel with me the night before the wedding --- MOH opt-ed out, but mutual friend opt-ed in. During this scene, she tells me that she's "not going to show up at the wedding, since I don't want her there anyways" before storming out. I can't even explain how this whole thing felt, I didn't want it to consume my evening (I mean, shit, I love to bowl!) - but I felt so numb and shocked that someone I knew so well could just turn into a complete crazy-pants.

The next day (wedding day), my mom and the gals are all with me getting ready in the hotel room and about an hour before we have to leave MOH shows up. Hair done, dress on, like nothing happened. So no one says anything and we head off to the venue. Wedding was fabulous, food was great, live band was even better. I don't really remember MOH's speech, except that she cried a TON. She also spent the end of the evening in my mom's hotel room, crying on her until 4am.  

Since these events, I've distanced myself from her --- she calls me about 3 times a week and calls my husband about once a week, we do not answer. She shows up at our new apartment, out of nowhere, and we either have to exchange awkward pleasantries for an hour or we pretend like we aren't home. The kicker is, she knows that I'm done with having a friend like her --- about three months after the wedding day I sat her down and we talked about what happened. She blamed me for not paying enough attention to her and not making her feel special as the MOH. I told her that I didn't think we should really continue being friends and she obvs didn't get the message. It felt like breaking up with someone...is that normal?

It's a damn shame when someone looses their marbles like that.

That's my story!
Still Stunned

*****

I'm just glad you had the guts to break up with her. KUDOS, lady.

You should be able to block her number. AT&T will charge you for that privilege (a*holes) -- I don't know about other providers -- but it might be worth it.


Comme des Garçons by Sophie Delaporte for Idoménée Fashion Book Spring/Summer 2013 Idoménée via Abigail Lorick

My sister is a special snowflake

Dear ESB,

My two-years younger sister, who is also my Maid of Honor, is a special, slightly psychotic, snowflake. She got married, years ago, and I was by her side as her MOH for her big day, and did all of the stuff that goes along with that title. That marriage ended, and about a year later she got married again (to a guy I had never met). Once again, I put on my big girl pants and did the MOH thing, including flying to the other side of the country with 2 months notice to throw her a bachelorette party and watch her get married all over again. One year later (fall of 2012) she was divorced again. I was there for her from courtship to demise in both instances.

Currently, I am preparing to get married in July (and have been engaged for about 2 years). My sister is my MOH (I didn't consider anyone else, as I have only one sister and my family would FREAK if she weren't IT) and she has been absent. To say she doesn't give a sh*t about any of it would be an understatement; she hasn't asked about the wedding in months. 

She, of course, has a new serious boyfriend whom she wants to bring to the wedding, and I told her no. Not only do we not have enough room, but I really don't want this guy (whom I've never met) at my wedding. My entire family will, of course, be present and I know that if she brings this new guy, so soon after her second divorce, the family will spend the entire night whispering about THAT. She told me that if she's traveling all the way to my wedding (which is taking place in the city where I currently live, in another state a fair distance from hometown where she still resides) she thinks she should get to bring him. At which point I told her that if she doesn't want to come without a date, then she shouldn't come.

We are barely on speaking terms, now, but she's still planning on coming and says "it's no big deal" about new boyfriend, but I know better. I also know you're always telling brides to invite only who they want there and not to care about the rest of it, but I'm having a really hard time NOT freaking out about my sister throwing a hissy fit at my wedding because she doesn't have a date.

Sincerely,
Scared of my sister

*****

You know your sister is flaky, but you ask her to be your maid of honor ANYWAY, and then you get all pissy when she acts like a flake?

If you don't let her bring a date, your whole family will feel sorry for her and whisper "Poor thing, she's already been divorced twice." What do you want them to talk about? YOU and how gorgeous you look in your dress? That takes FIVE SECONDS.

Blame Spring 2013 via Fashion Gone Rogue

MOH and the mason jars

Dear ESB,

Hopefully you can help me navigate this situation gracefully.

I got engaged 3 months ago to a dude I'm totally crazy about. What I'm not so crazy about is planning a wedding for 250+ guests (his family is huge and we "must" invite them all). Because I don't have a ton of money to spend and I don't want a traditional big white dress/cake wedding, we are really taking our time with any and all decisions--including place, date and wedding party (the first 2 remain undecided).

I spent a few weeks thinking about who I wanted in wedding party and asked my oldest and closest friend to be be MOH. She has always been little on the flaky side but really loves this kind of work and is soooo excited about helping me plan and being there for me on the day of. We see each other about once a month, usually after playing phone tag and rescheduling at least once.

So last night I finally got together with her and she starts telling me about all the ideas she has (none are my style) and that she's COLLECTING MASON JARS FOR ME AND ALREADY HAS 50+. This is so sweet of her, but the problem is I NEVER asked her for mason jars and just don't want them at my wedding. When she told me this I said "oh wow thanks," which was probably a mistake.

So what do I do now? How do I tell her what I had in mind was different without hurting her feelings?

IDK

*****

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T WANT MASON JARS










Just kidding.

Tell your MOH you don't want to be that couple.

Or, tell her exactly what you just told me: "That is so sweet of you, but I have something different in mind."

Madisyn Ritland by Ami Sioux for Jalouse Magazine via ban.do via Veera Häkkinen

please convince me to have my wedding

Hi ESB.

FH and I are having a very small, intimate wedding. We rented a big house in the woods, invited immediate family and a few dear friends to spend 5 days with us, housing / food (we'll cook) provided. Less than 20 people. At some point we'll do a small ceremony outside with FH's dad officiating and then have a hopefully affordable catered dinner on the deck and party all night. It's exactly what we wanted.

Except, my immediate family... are kind of assholes. Very, very tiny things regularly set them off. Last week, after discovering FH and I had taken down an online video of us giving wedding details, and my mother was outraged when she went to show it to someone and it wasn't there. This prompted her to say "she didn't even want to come," she "doesn't want me as her daughter," and "all I care about is her paying the bill." My sister seconded this with a lecture about how selfish I am to, and this is a quote, "rob (my family) of the dream wedding (they've) always had for me." She expressed that I have "stolen" from her the opportunity to be in the bridal party with "the dress" and place of honor in front of 300 people. She says it's not fair. (And no, she's not 12.  She's 22.) She's MOH, by the way.

Obviously, this really, really hurts. But to be honest this isn't outrageous coming from either of them. My mother has a terrible temper, she flies off the handle, and she says whatever she wants. By next week she will have gotten over/completely forgotten it. My sister is The Drama Queen. Several months ago she said she wouldn't come because we didn't give her a +1. (And no, she is not in a relationship.)

Please believe me that I am a strong, communicative person (despite my family, and thanks to years in therapy) and if I didn't know that trying to calmly express to them that this is a day about love, and intimacy with a few close people (based on expenses, not the desire to exclude extended family, etc) would only backfire into more vitriol from them... I would try. But this isn't how they operate. This is a cycle I am familiar with. Small issue, explosion and nastiness spewed all over me, and then they get over it and it just "never happened." Trying to defend myself (at all, evenly calmly and apologetically) only results in a longer, more drawn-out blow-out. All I can do is apologize (hollowly) and wait it out.

But. They make me so sad, and they hurt me so much. At this point, I don't want to have this wedding.

I want to go to the courthouse, do the deed, and move to the moon to avoid the anger eloping would cause. I don't feel able to finalize the catering bill that my mother is paying for, and/or all the other expenses we couldn't afford without help from my parents. She offers to pay (we never, never asked her to) but then says shit like "I'm only good for sucking her dry." It's a nasty, manipulative game. If I told her we would pay ourselves, she would be offended by that as well. It would be "shutting her out."

But FH is a supportive and strong darling and won't budge on the fact that we're having this beautiful wedding and it will be joyful and celebratory and my crazy family is not going to take that away from us. And he's right, I know. He is amazingly supportive and sweet. He is the family I got to choose for myself. But he has a darling mother and family, and probably can't accurately imagine what I feel like. I am just an adult child who wants my mother and sister to be sweet and happy for me.

I guess I was just hoping for some encouragement. I need you and your readers' spunk and support to help me put this in perspective. I need to get back to a place where I am excited to be having this beautiful, tiny wedding in the trees with my dearest friends, and yes, my immediate family. Because I do want them there. They are, after all, my family. But right now... I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there. With FH. And no telephone.

*****

HAVE YOUR WEDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And for fuck's sake, stop apologizing to these people.

You can't make them be happy for you. No matter what you do. Haven't you been over this with your therapist??

Kate Moss by Juergen Teller for Vogue (December 1994) via Maia McDonald via Sasha Darling

blah blah MOH, blah blah guest list

Hello,

I wrote a year or so ago regarding my man taking too long to propose and you told me to chill the fuck out or ask him already. I did neither, although it was sound advice. So this past weekend he finally did ask me and we are very excited to move on with our lives. I am not even sure what kind of wedding we want yet, but we do know a few things, including that we don't want a bridesmaids or groomsmen. My main reason is that traditionally my sisters are always each other's MOH, and I don't want my sister to be mine! I am the last to marry, so I would be really insulting her if I don't ask her, but I have several girlfriends that I am much closer with. I think secretly she would hate the task too, but would dutifully do it. I was her MOH, and I hated it and she was a horrible bride. So is the only solution to just not have a wedding party at all? If so, who signs the license?

A little background info - my man and I have been together for 9 years and have a child, home, and dog together already. We just want a big fun gorgeous party. I don't want a bridal shower and we are not registering for gifts or any of that. 

A second, related question is - how do we get out of inviting aunts, uncles, and cousins that we never talk to? Do we just invite everyone and not worry about it or can we say only our best friends and close family are invited?

Thanks! 

*****

DO YOU EVEN READ THIS BLOG??

You people make me tired.

1. Ask whoever you want to be your MOH and/or sign the damn license.

2. Yes, you can say that only close friends and family are invited. (SEE, YOU DO READ THIS BLOG.)

Like you're going to follow my advice anyway. Who are we kidding.


"B u r n t" by Robert Wun via Clik clk via lucille {m}

My BrideZilla Moment

Dear ESB,

I've debated whether or not I should ask you (and your lovely commenters) this because I'm afraid I already know the answer. But I'm so torn about it!

I kind of.... hate my sister/moh's girlfriend. I've NEVER told or even hinted at this. I mean, she makes my sister happy and SHE loves her so why the hell should my feelings about the gf matter? They don't! I've also recently learned that a lot of my family doesn't either. Both my parents, my other sister, my groom, several close friends... we're all on the same boat of dislike but have never breathed the tiniest word about it. Partly because it isn't our place but partially because my sister is really sensitive/get REALLY offended REALLY easily. But I don't know how to emphasize how unlikable she is! My mom, who never talks bad about anyone, calls her a manipulative liar! In the past she's lied about things just to cause drama between my sister and I. She baby talks ALL the time! She always butts in advice when no one has asked! When she gets drunk she becomes super rude and will pick fights with anyone, my sister included. Then they bicker in front of everyone making us all uncomfortable. She even really inappropriately flirts with my fiance! She just doesn't understand how to properly behave at least 75% of the time.

To cut to the chase, the gf's presence irks me so much that I want to figure out a way to ask my sister VERY politely to not get ready with us pre-wedding. OF COURSE she's still invited to the actual wedding, just the morning hair/makeup/familypre-bonding time. But the gf is SO used to be included in all family events even sister-days.

I'm worried that 1) asking will offend my sister SO MUCH that it'll ruin or make the wedding day super awkward and a thousand times worse than if I had just sucked up and let the gf hang around. 2) Asking will reveal my well hidden complete dislike of the gf and strain the relation between my sister and I.

I don't know what to do! Do I continue to grin and bear it to keep an already established peace and not upset any balances? Or do I let myself have a selfish moment, possibly mar a relationship, possibly ruin my wedding with my sister mad at me, and have my dream wedding morning with JUST my sisters and moms?

- Walking on eggshells

*****

Be selfish. It is YOUR fucking wedding.

(Is this the answer you were expecting??)

WHO SHOULD BE MY F***ING MOH?!

Dear ESB,

Here's the deal.

We've been engaged for a couple of months & officially haven't contacted who we want to be in our wedding party.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHO SHOULD BE MY F***ING MOH!

I've never really had "girlfriends" per se but have always been close to my 2 sisters & 2 cousins. I have also gotten fairly close to my FH's brother's GF of many years & my own brother's GF of many years.

Here's the breakdown of their situations: 

My Sisters are both in college= broke/ really young
1st Cousin= starting grad school, so going to be= broke/super busy
2nd Cousin= starting new job w/ crazy hours + is single mom= broke/ busy mom
1st GF= finished law school & is feeling the impending doom of her loans kicking in= soon to be broke
2nd GF= going to graduate from college this spring=broke

I know that whoever I would choose would totally do their best given their circumstances, bc they're all great gals...but as you can see they are all not in the best situation to be a MOH right now. I feel like I'd be throwing the 2 cousins & 2 GFs a curve ball...I'm sure they wouldn't be surprised to be part of the party, but not MOH. My sisters wouldn't be offended if I didn't choose them bc they know they would most likely be in over their heads. 

Do you have to have a MOH? Wouldn't it be super weird not having one especially since my FH is going to have one? I like the idea of a MOH if I was in Utopia, but the thought of having to burden someone w/ this makes me feel like crap/stresses me out. I mean, I think they'd be too nice to say, "Uhhhh....whaaaaat?....I have NO TIME...uhhh...oh God, I'm going to be sooo poor!" 

I wouldn't mind not having a bridal party at all, but my FH said he totally wants to have his dudes in the wedding. 

P.S. Now that I think about it, they might have that reaction just being in the bridal party in general...both require their time & $$$  -____-

*****

You don't have to have a Maid of Honor. (You don't have to do anything.) And it would be silly to just pick the lady you think would be least inconvenienced.

But: Stop worrying about all that time and money bullsh*t. Being a bridesmaid should be a privilege, not a burden.

Tell your ladies all you ask is that they show up at the wedding and stand by your side.

Photo by Nicole Bentley for Vogue Australia via Fashion Gone Rogue

A very special maid-of-honor's gift......

Cunt Necklace handmade in Los Angeles by NEIVZ, available at Le Coquette

Come on, I know there are a few of you who need this.

My best friend, the C-Word.

Feb 7, 2011

ESB -

I hope you know I completely adore your blog. Humongous, ginormous fan. Anyways, on to the question, no?

My fiance and I moved 1000 miles away from home in Chicago almost four years ago and, naturally, some of our good friends kind of fell off. We're great at keeping in touch, promise, but 1000 miles will do things to friendships...just hard to stay in touch. Anyways, I kept in great contact with my best friend of almost 7 years back home, we've seen each other on every trip back home and have talked on the phone 2-3x week since I moved. We've been sending each other birthday gifts and what not - you get it, we've been in touch. She was just telling me the other day in a bit of a sad day that no one gets her like me and I always felt the same.

I called the other day and she was asking about the wedding...wondering if she was invited. What?!? Invited?! Hell yes, girl...actually, we just made the decision not to have a wedding party because I's friends would be really butt hurt if he had to choose a best man and we don't want anyone to have any obligations, just come as you are....but I did want to ask if you would be our witness and be my best woman nonetheless? She was silent.

I spoke up again: "You don't have to do anything, just be there while I get ready and what not..."

"So you want me to plan your shit for you?"

"No..."

"That's what you're saying, right?"

Inside, of course, I was screaming "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUU" but instead, I'm reconsidering and thinking of kind of loosening up the reins on that friendship and letting it run its course into whatever possible destruction it seems to be taking me toward.

What would you do? Was it an unreasonable request on my part?

Sell it to me straight, ESB.

*****

Feb 28, 2011 (10:29am)

Any new developments??

*****

Feb 28, 2011 (10:34am)

We've talked recently and she hasn't brought it up again. She doesn't like talking about the wedding at all and I'm feeling a bit of a cold shoulder and brush off. My main question at this point is, do I have the right to choose another or not to have a Maid of Honor at this point, even though I've already asked? Is it rude to ask someone to be your MOH if you're not going to have them stand or take on any responsibilities? Did I take all the fun out of it?

Hm.

Thanks, ESB.

*****

Mar 2, 2011 (now-ish)

It's YOUR WEDDING. If your friend is bumming you out, you have the right to let her off the hook at any point. 

I don't think she's pissed about the MOH duties (or lack of duties). It sounds like there's something else going on. Maybe she's having trouble dealing with the fact that you're getting married? Your happiness is making her unhappy? But you can't let her drag you down.

I have been slammed with my-bridesmaid-is-acting-like-a-cunt emails in the past week. Total bummersauce.

Photo by SAGA SIG

Attack of the NARCISSISTIC BRIDESMAID

Dear ESB,

I never thought I would do this but I need some unbiased advice.

My fiance and I have been engaged for 15 months and about 10 months ago set a date and venue. About two months after being engaged I had the pleasure of asking my then best-friends to be my joint MOHs. Now one of them has grown into a better friend and the other has dissolved into a narcissistic semblance of a person.

She forgets the wedding date, continuously asks me what she has to do and when she needs to start her "wedding diet."

She has issues with being "single" and has broken into tears about being the "only single person" at the wedding which is a far cry from the truth. I recently threw her a birthday party, a weekend away at my fiance's parent's ski house with a few of our other close friends where she spent the entire weekend sulking in the corner saying she was "tricked" into a couples weekend away which was again, not the truth as we had two single friends there and as a group has consistently hung out together for years. (The trigger for her "single" issue was that my other MOH found a wonderful guy who everyone loves...) 

There are a multitude of other issues but besides from this she, for the third time in two months- second in 1 week- asked me when the wedding was and then proceeded to tell me that she had "herds of people flying in from [North Carolina] that weekend for her brother's football game against BC." Mind you, this is already after I chose a wedding date two weeks later than when we had originally wanted it because she was "going to miss her brother's senior football game" and threatened to spend the entire reception watching the game- which I just laughed at because 1. who broadcasts Duke football games? and 2. there's no television or cable receiver for miles of the reception location. 

I have realized in the past few months that I neither respect her nor do I want to be her friend anymore. I am short of losing it on her and telling her how I really feel but I realize that this is not beneficial for me or my friends that at least still hang out with her or are holding onto some idea of who this person once was.

So, do I get rid of her? And how do I do it? Do I tell her all of the items on the laundry list of my losing respect for her or do I give her a few one liners and be done with it. One of our other friends recently "lost it" in her via email and she proceeded to email them around to our group of friends. I don't really care if she does that with me because all of my friends already know of this issue that I (and my fiance) have with her and supportive of what we need to do.

-Desperately Ditching the MOH

*****

She's behaving like the asshole boyfriend who desperately wants to get dumped. So DUMP HER ASS ALREADY.

All you need to say is "I'm letting you off the hook." If you really are good and done with the friendship, why bother with a laundry list?

(Photo by Guillaume Lechat via because i'm addicted via Studded Hearts)

Attack of the Wallowing BRIDESMAID

(Brought to you by the reader with the hairy-pitted maids...)

Dear ESB,

I'm getting married this summer and my Maid of Honor is getting married this fall. We were best friends in high school and since college and post college we've remained good friends but she went to a very conservative college and I to a very progressive college. We've become adults in different ways, so to speak, but we still love each other and enjoy spending time together. She's been totally oblivious to any MOH duties (not that I really care, it's just a wedding) but her general un-interest in all things 'my wedding' has been a bit surprising to me, since she used to enjoy talking/planning these kinds of things. My wedding will be fine. She'll show up, put on her dress and smile through it all.

Enter her wedding. We live on the West Coast and our families live in the Midwest. She's decided that she wants to get married at the tiniest church in the smallest town (population 25) in the middle of nowhere 4 hours from the town we grew up in. She's never been to this church but can't imagine getting married anywhere else since she has family ties to it. Fine. She can get married where she wants, it's her deal.

Now the complicated part, I'm a wedding photographer and have already turned down three wedding inquiries for the day before and two on her wedding date. I've gotten two inquiries for the day after her wedding and I'm going to book one of them, meaning I'll have to drive two hours to an airport to catch the 6:30pm flight back home so I can shoot the wedding the next day...meaning I'll see her ceremony and about an hour of her reception and then I'll have to leave. She kind of knows the extent of this but is unwilling to change the start time of her wedding to an hour earlier.

Tickets to this tiny airport run around $500 RT. I'll probably be traveling with my husband, so $1000 for both of us.

Is it worth it?

Love,
Wallowing Bridesmaid

*****

You expect the bride to bump up the ceremony to make it more convenient for YOU to duck out early?

You realize you're being a total bitch, right??

(Photo of Tura Santana via TeenAngster)

my best friend is dating a d-bag

Hi ESB,

My best friend in the entire world (former roommate, partner in crime, lady of honor at our wedding) is dating a total d-bag. Now normally, I'd just sit back and support her throughout the relationship and then secretly hope that they break up, but the problem is that I think she might be making some really awful life decisions based on him that she'll regret later and I don't want her to resent me one day for not speaking up. At the same time, I know that there's no coming between a girl wearing rose-colored glasses and the object of her affection.

So, do I say something and risk alienating her or do I let her do her own thing and pretend to be excited when she tells me they're getting a cat* and support her if and when he breaks her heart?

*Disclaimer. I love cats. But she hates them and has never referred to them as anything but "the devil". But I guess they are less satanic when you are in looooove? God, do I sound totally bitter? It's just weird when your best friend suddenly becomes the girl you've mocked throughout your friendship. I mean, who do we make fun of now?

*****

You do sound totally bitter. And you're the one who just got married?

Unless the "awful life-decisions" your friend is making are a whole lot more awful than getting a cat with the guy, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

(Image via Sara Williams)

Dear ESB: Do I take the money from my former step dad?

My former step dad (father of my younger bro & sis, estranged) has been trying to make amends with my mom who has harbored years of resentment towards him due to child support non-payments and such, my extremely hard-headed stubborn sister (and moh) who has harbored years of resentment towards him due to abandonment issues, and my easy going affable brother.

I think he made some headway with my mom and brother but my sister refuses to talk to him. Since you are very astute you know I am getting married and while I don't agree with his actions of the past I tend to overthink things and see my wedding as not only a celebration of my dude and I declaring our love and commitment with our nearest and dearest, but also as an opportunity to reunite my hugely complicated family and maybe get past some disagreements and estrangements thru communal celebrating and crab cake eating.

I'm not delusional, I know that that's a tall order and I won't feel that my wedding has failed if that doesn't happen, but I've seen it happen before and I think my family is ripe for some Lifetime worthy hugfests.

Having said that, when this father type found out I was getting married, he called me and sent me a check. A pretty big check. Like, a third of our low-budge So-Cal DIY self-funded wedding budget's worth.

So. I was planning on inviting him anyway until my sister responded with a chinook of chilliness.

Do I:
a) take the money and send him pictures which he told me was enough being fully aware of how my sister feels about him and the situation
b) send the check back out of principal
c) try and convince my sister to at least listen to him try to make amends?*

* there is a distinct chance this will not happen. Seriously, my sister is the most stubborn person I have ever met.

ps i forgot option d) invite him and make her suck it up.

*****

d) Invite him and make her suck it up. I couldn't have said it better myself.

It's your wedding. And whether or not this man is your father by blood, he had a hand in raising you.

p.s. You probably shouldn't say anything to your sister about that hugfest you're hoping for. Just get em all there and see what happens.

(Photography by Keiron O'Connor for Jalouse via tobaccoandleather via Le Fashion)