Here's
Celia, our Patron Saint of Boobies:
"Do you boob goddesses wear regular clothes?"
-esb to me
I couldn't help but chuckle to myself at this question because it does seem like big-boobed girls are always in some type of dress. And I have to admit, I spent about ten years of my life being totally guilty of this; I found the right cut of dress that worked for me, and wore it TO DEATH. It was easier that way, a total no-brainer that I could pair with flats or sandals when I was out and about, or a pair of pumps when I was going to someone's bridal shower. But the thing is, there were occasions in my life that didn't call for a dress, and I'd always end up ever so slightly overdressed. Then there's the other thing... it can get pretty fucking cold in a dress.
To be perfectly honest, this is the post I was the most excited to write about because it is the most challenging for me. I know how to dress casually for my body type, but quite often, it seems like it is way more effort than just, well, putting on a dress. In an effort to cut the dress habit (and to stay warm), I've spent almost a year now in my new uniform: Skinny jeans, whichever clean/not too wrinkled t-shirt I can find, moccasins, and my trusty military jacket. It's really not that bad, I guess, but let's just all be happy that I have a husband, or else I'm not so sure I'd ever get laid again. It's not that girls with big boobs can't pull off a look as simple as a t-shirt and jeans. If anything, I believe that t-shirts were kind of made for big, glorious tits. BUT, if you don't want to end up looking like a sack of potatoes, you have to make sure you polish the look up a bit. Dressing for a big bust is all about creating balance, finding a fantastic tailor, and making him/her your new best friend.
The chances of you finding clothes that look killer on you right off the rack are slim to none, so it's about time you give up that pipe dream. Let's say, for example, your boobs fit beautifully into a size 14 dress, but the rest of you however, looks like it's drowning in fabric. What to do? You swallow your pride and buy the size 14, and you have your tailor make it fit your size 10 body. If you're hung up on dress sizes, you need to get over yourself NOW. The goal is to look bangin', right? So, who gives two shits what the size tag on your dress says? You will be SO happy if you get into the habit of doing this, and you will finally, FINALLY get rid of your dreaded mono-boob.
So, let's get dressed! I've compiled three "regular" looks for you. The first one is the most casual; think "jeans and t-shirt." The second, which is a bit more dressed up, works well for meeting up with friends for drinks or going on a date with your husband/boyfriend/almost-fiancé/wife/girlfriend/partner/what have you. And the last, because I feel this is an area where big-boobed girls REALLY suffer, is a great look for work-related situations.
Look 1: You want to be comfortable, but you don't want to look like poop soup.
Here I am, another blogger telling you to wear stripes. The thing is, though, stripes actually have a very slimming affect which translates well to toning down those floppity milkers of yours. It's not that I'm advising you to hide what your mama gave you (if you notice from the bra post, I didn't suggest one single minimizer), but like I mentioned earlier in this post, you need to create balance. You need to devise some sort of diversion so that you don't walk around looking like you're seconds away from toppling over. The easiest way to do this is with...
1. The right neckline. Of course, there are exceptions to most rules, but generally speaking, you will be much better off wearing a v-neck or a scoop neck. Higher necklines have a tendency to overwhelm a fuller bust, giving it that dreaded "matronly" look. Be very careful though; you're dressing for every-day "regular" activities here, not "da club."
2. The right pattern. You do know that wearing big, massive polkadots is a major no-no when you have big, massive bosoms, RIGHT? And you are aware that big patterns, in general, aren't usually the best idea? GOOD. Now that we have all that out of the way, let's make pattern the next big thing in your life. Pattern on top can really help to camouflage all that extra weight you're carrying around, and pattern on the bottom will create that diversion I was talking about. If you're planning on doing pattern all over, keep it subtle, stupid.
3. The right, or any, color. Color is a great tool for creating balance. When you're dressing for big boobs, you want to give the impression of great proportion... something that most busty girls don't have the pleasure of having. Yes, we know you have an attractive pair of tits, but what about your ass? Is it awesome too? Show it off in a rad pair of colored jeans. Or, maybe you have a gorgeous set of legs; bring a little attention to them with a bright-colored mini. In other words, give people more to look at than just your TITS. This is a hard one for some of you ladies, I know, but I have faith in you.
Look 2: You're meeting up with friends for dinner at that new restaurant no one will shut up about, followed by Negronis until you're almost seeing double, and you want to look sharp, but not overdressed.
Ok, so you made it through your day of farmers market shopping and a mani/pedi in your striped shirt and colored jeans, but now it's time to turn it up a notch. I have to admit that going to dinner in jeans is a trend that I'm still trying to get used to seeing as I had a mother who made me wear nylons every time I stepped foot on an airplane. However, more than just a trend, it looks to now be just a way of life. That's tots cool, but let's dress those jeans up a bit, shall we?
You don't even have to say a word, because I know what you're thinking... "Busty gals CAN'T wear tunic-y-type blouses; this Celia girl doesn't know shit about shit." I'm here to tell you that you are WRONG, my friends. Sure you can't wear just any tunic, but if you take into consideration cut, fabric, and color, you most certainly CAN wear a tunic, dumb-dumb. The one above is the perfect example. It is dark, but not black (bet you're pretty sick of all those black tops, aren't you?). The neckline is a low V, but not scandalous (we'll save that discussion for the next post). The flow-y chiffon-y-ness will beautifully drape over your tits like silky chocolate syrup over ice cream (for the love of God, wear a cami under this one... no one wants to see THAT much of you). And last, all those great details like the gathered shoulder, tiny pleats and delicate tie will all help to compliment your chest.
Now you want to help add some structure to your outfit. All the looseness of the blouse and the wideness of the jeans might look like fabric overload, so you want to tone it down a bit and add some definition. If you have a slimmer waist, you can consider tucking your brand new tunic in, but another way to give that "hourglass" look is to add a well-tailored blazer (the busty girl's bff). I strongly urge you to invest in a good blazer, or maybe even two. This is advice that even I need to take. I used to think that blazers were all wrong for me and my body type, but that's only because I was trying on the wrong blazers. I think I got all caught up in that menswear-inspired trend, and was trying to make those oversized blazers that look so hot on Kate Moss look hot on me too. No bueno, guys.
The thing is, I have the farthest thing from a menswear-inspired body; I'm walking around with pretty sizable boobs, so I [and you] need a LADY blazer that will celebrate them in all their glory and not try and make me look like the girl who thinks she can pull off looking like Kate Moss. A LADY blazer, for one, is noticeably cinched at the waist. A LADY blazer is also, typically shorter, falling somewhere between the waist and mid-hip. This length will help to accentuate the curve of your hips, which will in turn balance out the robustness of your titties. Another thing to note is that a LADY blazer will most likely have slimmer cut sleeves, and this is a MUST. You don't want to add matronly upper arms to those boobs, do you? The right blazer, I've learned, is like the right haircut. For those of you who have ever had a killer, flawless haircut, you KNOW what a life changer it can be.
Look 3: You're meeting with a client and want to look like you can kick ass and take names... and like you make $50k more a year than you actually do.
Let me first and foremost make it extremely clear that unless you work at Hooters, or have a starring role on Melrose Place (the 90s version), those boobs of yours need to be under wraps for all work/career-related events. Let me put it to you this way... let's say I'm in the market for a new accountant. I will most likely go with the one who dazzles me with her smarts than the one who distracts me with her tits. Look, I'm not trying to say that having big boobs means you're not as smart as your B-cup competition, I'm just telling you to be professional.
It's outfit time, and would you look at that! I actually had the nerve to suggest a blazer for TWO of the looks in this post; That's how much I believe in the power of a good blazer. For work-related purposes, I personally feel that simple is always best. That's just my opinion, so if it floats your boat to wear a floral blouse, then you go right ahead and do that. The gold buttons on the blouse above create a vertical line, which will help keep those tatas in check.
Before we go any further, I need to get something off my chest: STOP wearing button-up blouses that don't fit you. If a blouse is puckering AT ALL, and if a blouse is opening AT ALL at your bust, it does not fit you. Go up a size, or two, and have the extra slack tailored. I know that when you have boobs of any size, it can be hard to keep those buttons securely locked, but a couple easy fixes are to wear a camisole underneath, or to have an invisible snap placed where your bust is the fullest. Do these things; They're quite simple, so you should have no excuse.
For balance, a circle skirt is flattering for all body types, and will totally offset your bodacious rack. A fuller skirt also adds a nice girly touch, which I'm a fan of, but it can easily be swapped out with a pencil skirt, or some killer slacks. Oh, and lady? You're working, so please avoid looking like a slob and try tucking your blouse in.
There you have it, my DD and beyond sisters. Follow these very simple rules, learn how to incorporate them into your own style, and in no time you'll be looking a lot more hot tamale, and a lot less skank-a-licious. See you for my next post, DRESSES.
And in case you missed it (no idea how you could have missed it) be sure to catch up on Part 1 of Celia's epic series: BRAS.
Salma Hayek photo at top courtesy of Vogue
