At long last, IT'S EPISODE 4

Relationship drama, a thank-you card dilemma, AND a really juicy question from a (maybe?) virgin. All packed into 7 minutes.

Call (323) 905-4ESB to record your questions, comments and kudos.

yep, it's a BREAST EXAM post

My friend Johannah, who works for Blossom Organics, tweeted me yesterday to say, "don't forget @BlossomOrganics Breast Cream."

I have to admit that I have not once even OPENED the jar of breast cream she sent me with the original tube of lube that has been replaced maybe three times now.

Here's hoping this missive from J will inspire all of us to rub stuff on our boobs:

Until recently I didn't properly appreciate my boobs. In fact, I resented them. They were too big and stretchmark-y. Then I learned to bra them properly, so though I still don't love them naked, they look just fine under clothes. Soon after, I came to realize how much pleasure they could provide (NO IDEA what took so long.)

And then, a few -- yes, more than a couple -- of my friends were diagnosed with breast cancer and I stopped taking my boobs for granted once and for all.

To that end, I have been trying to do regular breast self-exams. They were uncomfortable and kind of scary until I began working for Blossom and using our Revitalizing Breast Cream. This rich, organic cream offers silky glide to make the exam easier and it smells divine (like yellow cake batter).

Now I rub it on my boobs every day so they'll be soft and creamy in case the bra ever comes off in the presence of another. And I'm more familiar with my breasts, so even if I don't do a full-on, according to Hoyle breast exam, I'll be more likely to notice any changes and get them checked out by my doctor (read: nurse practitioner at Planned Parenthood.)

Did I mention my boobs smell like cake batter?
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WHATTUP: Blossom Organics has swooped in and offered to sponsor Dear ESB: The Podcast this month!

The first ten people to call (323) 905-4ESB with a question or comment get a free sample of organic lube or revitalizing breast cream. (QUESTIONS DO NOT HAVE TO BE LUBE OR BOOB RELATED)

Just tell me which product you'd prefer and be sure to leave your email address (you won't be added to any lists, I promise).

you have meddled with the primal forces of nature, mr. beale

From my inbox:

"We regret to inform you that your order for Blossom Organics Natural Moisturizing Lubricant 4 oz had to be cancelled.

Due to an unusual spike in demand for the item you ordered, we had unexpectedly ran out of stock. All of our efforts to try and locate the item among all of our suppliers were unsuccessful."

I think Blossom Organics owes you a holiday card.

xo
Evie

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IT'S THE ESB BUMP YOU GUYS

I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY

The much-anticipated LUBE POST.

Part One:

Lube is not just for kinky people.

From age 16 to about 32 I thought I was bad at giving hand jobs. Pretty much avoided em altogether. It turns out YOU NEED LUBE FOR THAT. Guys use lube. (Or hand lotion, depending. But the sophisticates know that lube works better.) So why should you have slap around on it with your bare hand?

When he touches your clit during foreplay or inthemiddleoftheact -- or when you touch your own clit -- you know what works soooooooo much better than just licking your fingers? LUBE.

If you guys feel like having a quickie and skipping all that foreplay bullsh*t and your mind is so in it but maybe your body isn't ready yet... As in, there's not much natural lubrication happening? You know what's good for that? YEAH YOU DO.


Part Two:

Organic/Vagina-Friendly ingredients make a difference. There was a time when I thought Astroglide was, like, really super fancy amazing stuff. And the shit is slippery, there's no question about it.

But. I can't use Astroglide or any other glycerin-based lubes anymore. Even a glycerin-free lube that contained parabens sadly made me a little... itchy. And if you won't put that shit on your face, why would you put it up your twat?

Blossom Organics is the only personal lubricant I've found that is a) sufficiently slippery and b) totally gentle. You can read all about their ingredients vs. harsh ingredients + YOUR VAGINA over on the Blossom site.

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Full disclosure: This is not a paid post, but my friend J who works for Blossom Organics has been supplying me with free lube for about a year now. She even sent me an emergency supply that time my 4oz tube was confiscated at airport security. J, YOU RULE!

What should I put in my WEDDING piñata?

Dear esb,

I've been a long time reader and when I got engaged and things started to roll around I've been tempted to write to you several times about the frustrating things involved with wedding planning: starting from my opinionated FMIL who is not chipping in on any of the wedding but insists on suggesting things that cost (my parents are paying for everything except the church, which the groom is paying for), the guest list, 2 year old in the bridal party (insisted by, you guessed it, FMIL), and even one of the groom's aunts asking me if the beige ("But it's beige, not white") dress she was showing me in the picture was okay for my wedding. (I am a strong believer that only the bride should wear white/ivory/cream/beige unless she herself decides the bridal party should be in that color or ask all the guests to come in that color. And MY dress is beige.) Lots of frustrating stuff. But I've managed to get through, mainly by reading this blog and laughing (sometimes drinking) it off.

So now, I come to you with something fun. My wedding will be at 3pm, on a Yacht Club at the beach. Weddings at the beach here last about 12 hours. We will have lots of time to mingle, dance, drink, eat, etc. My fiance and I were joking around the other day and the idea of a piñata came along. I. LOVED. IT. So we were thinking... instead of doing a garter toss, to put the garters INSIDE the piñata. The piñata would just be for the boys (I don't think the ladies would warm up to the piñata if they're in short dresses) so the ones that get a garter from the piñata will get to put them on the girls.

But... what else should we put in the piñata? I'm also accepting ideas for what the piñata should look like, I'm thinking it should be something like Confetti System's Piñatas.

Should we go traditional and have people go at it with a broomstick while blindfolded? Or have the groom pry it open from above? What song should be playing when the piñata thing is going on? Do you think this is the tackiest idea??

Thanks for your and the readers' help!

La Piñata Lady

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GO ALL THE WAY.

Garters, confetti, quality condoms + those little packets of lube (I'm assuming this is going to happen somewhere around 1 or 2am), and of course candy.

Salty caramels have the perfect beachy/kinky vibe.
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Speaking of salty caramels, has anyone tried Jimmy Fallon's new Ben & Jerry's flavor? OMG.