Do I invite my "surprise!" biological father?

Dear ESB,

My longstanding boyfriend and I starting to discuss the realities of getting married in the foreseeable future. There are a lot of aspects to us getting married that fill me with joy and smiles and happy thoughts.

However, one of the things that slightly overwhelms me is the guest list. See, I'm adopted. I've been close to my biological mother and her family for about 10 years now. They are awesome and it is important to me that they be at my wedding if/when we have one.

The issue that stresses me out is my biological father. He's only been in my life for a few years. I contacted him in a "surprise! you have a 30 year old daughter!" kind of way (he didn't know about me). He's been enthusiastic about my presence in his life- but if we get married I don't know if I want him there. He's such a nice man and he and his extended family have been so welcoming to my presence. Still- I'm not that close to them, he and my birth mother haven't seen each other since the drunken night of my creation, and when my boyfriend and I get married I don't want my wedding to be "about" all of these biological/adoptive relatives meeting each other for the first time. 

I feel like he would be absolutely crushed not to be invited, and it feels like a douchey thing to do, especially when I kind of uprooted his emotional life in the first place by making contact with him. He also has a 5 year old son who I've met a few times and who I adore, which makes the thing even harder. 

I don't want my wedding to be awkward and stressful on myself, my birthmother, my parents, etc. I don't want to be worrying about this man being around and having to make awkward emotionally loaded small talk with him at my wedding. I also don't want to deeply hurt someone who, you know, made me. 

Do I just suck it up and invite him trusting that everyone will be kind and polite to one another for my sake? Do I adopt (heh) the "it's our day" mentality and just don't invite him if it's too much of a pain?

BF and I both definitely want a wedding ceremony at my parents house with friends and family, so no eloping or city hall. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. 

Fuck me,
Lots o' Parents

*****

I'm surprising myself a little with this one, but I think you should invite the guy.

Photo by Vincent Lappartient for Dazed and Confused

How can we live together without being disowned by our church?

Dear ESB,

I'm pretty sure that my boyfriend of 6 years is going to propose within the next few weeks, he sucks at hiding his excitement and wants to tell me everything but that's not why I'm writing you. 

We want to start house shopping once we are engaged, and are unsure what to do about our living arrangements between buying a house and the wedding. We currently don't live together and our parents have made very clear their expectations. His parents and some of our friends don't think we should live together until we get married, due to religious beliefs. We do go to church every week and some of our friends choose to believe that we have never slept together but come on we have been dating for 6 years! 

On the other hand my mom has made it very clear that she believes anyone planning to get married should live together before making a life time commitment to anyone. I agree I want to live with my boyfriend when we are engaged but I don't want to be judged or dis-owned by our church community. 

Do you have any suggestions on how to make both families happy?

-Stuck in the Middle

*****

LISTEN TO YOUR MOM.

And maybe consider joining a new church.

(I'm not joking.)

There's no magical fairy dust way to make everyone happy here, so you might as well focus on making yourself happy.

Photo: Yohji Yamamoto Fall/Winter 1999 by Inez & Vinoodh via I Saw A Film Today, Oh Boy

Dear ESB: Pls tell me I can cancel the rehearsal dinner

My fiance's parents have been divorced for about 6 years. Things ended very badly, fiance doesn't really know the details of the situation. Both parents are remarried - I love both his parents and their spouses. FMIL has moved past the divorce emotionally and has no problem seeing FFIL. The problem is that FFIL is still hung up on the divorce and has told fiance that he can never see FMIL again (which we both think is bullshit), even threatening that he will have another stroke if he does (potential stroke = trump card). Fiance and I have talked with FFIL and he had agreed to come to our wedding even though FMIL will be there. FFIL is going to pay for the rehearsal dinner, but has told us that FMIL cannot come while he is there. 

So, we are left with 3 choices: (1) Wait until FFIL leaves so FMIL can catch the tail end of the rehearsal dinner [which is bullshit in my opinion] (2) tell FFIL that we will pay for the rehearsal dinner and invite both sets of parents [FMIL will come, FFIL will NOT come] or (3) Fuck the rehearsal dinner altogether (in my experience, rehearsal dinners have been stressful and pretty lame). What exactly is the point of a rehearsal dinner? If we nix it, will we miss out something? Thanks for reading - I do appreciate it.

- Please-tell-me-I-can-cancel-the-rehearsal-dinner

*****

Shitbags. Just cancel it.

Ideally, a rehearsal dinner facilitates bonding btwn family members, members of the bridal party, etc, who have never met. But in this case? Yeah, srsly, just cancel that shit and go out for drinks with your friends.

ERI WAKIYAMA, SS12 COMME DES GARCOS HOMME PLUS via enid hwang

Does a marriage license matter?

Dear ESB,

My man and I are having a wedding in July. We are a dual-income couple. Signing a marriage license would literally cost us thousands of dollars each year (income tax + student loan repayment assistance I receive, I won't bore you further). So we're not doing it. We want to be husband and wife in every way except on paper with NYC and the IRS.

Cue my father. I rarely talk to him because he is an asshole. Two weeks ago he told me that his side of the family considers our upcoming wedding to be a meaningless "costume party" because we will not sign this piece of paper. (He's not making it up, it's clear that at least my grandmother feels this way.) He gave me a long speech about commitment. (He left my mother a few years ago to date younger women.) My guy and I have already been together for six years, moved across the country together, bought a home together, planned career paths around one another, mingled finances, &c. "Commitment" is not an issue for us.

I know my dad is just a dick, but he got under my skin. I've asked a few friends if he's right and everyone says he's not, but I'm afraid that no one will say the truth to my face. I'd like an honest opinion from a total stranger:

1. Is it stupid to have a wedding if we don't sign a marriage license?

2. If they feel this way, should I (gently) tell my dad and grandmother they are not obligated to show? (Not a bluff, I would be partially relieved if they took me up on it.)

Thanks. And thanks for writing an actually useful wedding blog.

*****

1. Not stupid AT ALL. Get the damn license when/if it makes financial sense, not before.

2. Yes

Jose Molenaar by Richard Bakker via Fashion Gone Rogue

Do I tell my parents we're getting engaged?

Dear ESB,

I am planning to propose to my boyfriend in about a month. I'm buying him a gun that he's always wanted (I figure gun is his equivalent of a ring -- expensive, shiny and pretty much useless for anything other than having his guy friends drool over it), I got his mom to go in on it with me and get the ring he was planning to give to me (someday, I'm not ruining any elaborate plans on his part...I hope...well, no it would be ok if I am because we're one of those competitive couples and it would make him SO MAD & also happy that I beat him to the punch) sized. I'm planning a mountain-top proposal after an airsoft game we're attending in early November, I have a photographer lined up, it's perfect for us.

Here's the thing though, we're also planning on moving in together at the end of the month. Now, my parents are mid-range conservative Christians who live very far away and are NOT ok with us moving in together. I am struggling with whether or not to tell them that we're going to get engaged in November because I really don't want to share that information until after it happens to avoid any family pressure or weird expectations or jokes that make me feel terrible or anything like that. I want no negative feelings associated with this engagement. But I know if I tell them we're getting engaged they will feel 50% better about us living together. They will feel 100% better once we're married. They would honestly rather have me live with a random stranger than with my boyfriend before we're married. So, help. 

I also don't want them to be so mad about us living together that they're not happy about the engagement.

Thanks!

*****

Don't jinx yourself and/or spoil the surprise by telling your parents you're planning to get engaged.

If you're going to live your own life, you might as well start now.

(No idea what to say about the gun thing. You're awesome? Or: YIKES.)

Tati Cotliar by Jason Kibbler for Twin #5 via Fashion Gone Rogue

What's with all the WUSSY MEN??

Hi again ESB,

So, I wanted to send a followup to my last question because it's gotten that much more interesting, sort of. So, on the advice of you and your generously helpful readers, I gave my fiance my support that if he wanted his parents at our wedding, I would be happy to have them there. He really mulled it over and basically told them that if they wanted to come, they should come. 

Since then, they've been sending endless emails about what he should be doing, got upset at my fiance because he suggested that his mom rethink wearing all black to the wedding, which culminated to a knockdown-dragout hours-long fight that ended with them threatening to tell me (at the wedding) every specific doubt he's ever had about me when he used to confide in them early in our relationship. 

They then followed that up with asking him if he really wanted them at the wedding (which is next week), because if he didn't, they wouldn't go, but if he did, they would treat it like any other invitation and let him know if they were attending. After all this, he asked me if I wanted them at the wedding.

Cue the silent screaming.

*****

This is where you tell him, "No, of course I don't want them at the wedding. But they're YOUR PARENTS, so you have to make the decision, douchebag."

The photo is of Lily Allen, yes, smoking a cigarette. Feel free to nail me.

I Don't Want Him to Walk Me Down the Aisle

Dear ESB,

I'm getting married in November. My father and stepmother didn't speak to me for six years prior to my engagement because my stepmother interpreted a look on my face as "frozen" during a conversation we had about facials. My stepmother (who has been married to my father since I was two years old) is paranoid, narcissistic, and cruel. My father is loyal to her, however, so if she decides to shut someone out of her life, my father will shut them out too. Despite numerous attempts to reach out to them, they haven't met my fiance, who I've been in a relationship with for 4 years, and they haven't met our son, who was born over a year ago.

I sent them both a wedding invitation. My father told me that my stepmother won't come to my wedding because she "doesn't expect any relationship changes." I did apologize to her (for the perceived slight), and even asked my father for advice regarding how to make things right with her so that everyone could feel comfortable at the wedding. She wasn't interested in my attempts to reconcile though and has decided to just not come to the wedding.

In a recent email, my father said that he wanted to walk me down the aisle. I want my son to walk with me during my ceremony, and not my father, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. Should I set aside my feelings, and allow him the honor of walking me down the aisle? Or risk hurting him by walking instead with my son? I know traditionally the father walks with the bride, but our wedding will be anything but traditional.

This has been the most stressful part of my wedding planning so far, and I need some perspective. Thank you!

Signed,
If You Walk Away, I'll Walk Away

*****

Your dad forfeited the right to walk you down the aisle when he didn't speak to you for six years. And he hasn't even met your son? FUCK THAT.

Tell him you've got another plan.

Photo by Melissa Cowan

I don't want my in-laws at the wedding

Dear ESB,

We're a month away from our wedding and just now having some parent-issues.

My fiance has been on the outs with his parents/family for the better part of a few years. They've never really been happy with the fact that he's been with me, simply for the fact as I am not Jewish and he is (non-practicing, he really could care less about it). The one time we've met, they were really cold and pretended that I wasn't there. Nice, right? They were indifferent when he told them we were engaged as well and he hasn't really wanted to talk to them since.

Now that we're so close to the wedding, they want in. They want to go to the wedding to support him because they love him, even though they would've preferred a Jewish girl and that it's "bad enough" he's marrying outside of the faith, but they're "willing to put it aside." That's really the only reason.

I've really refrained from going batshit and telling him that I hate the whole lot of them for being such assholes because I don't want to put him in a position where he can't feel like he can talk openly about them and I always want him to be able to talk to me if he's feeling like shit. He now basically has asked me if I want them there. I don't want to be the one making this decision, but I also don't really want these people at our wedding.

Heeeeellp.

P.S. I am not planning on converting, as the both of us are pretty agnostic in our beliefs.

*****

You won. He's marrying you. Now you get to be the bigger person.

They're his PARENTS for fuck's sake. YES, YOU WANT THEM THERE.

Hyoni Kang by Lincoln Pilcher for Vogue China via Fashion Gone Rogue