Did your mother boycott your wedding? (UPDATE!)

There was a wedding! And it was nice! Everyone attended and there wasn't a single bit of drama (at least not during the wedding)!... *sigh* IDK, I'm glad it's finally done. So much stress has been lifted and I never want to play armchair psychologist to anyone ever again. I took a lot of what was said in the comments of the original post and it essentially scared/inspired me to inject some tough love into this whole thing.

So! The guy in this wedding has changed quite a bit over course of the last year and a half. Most of us still think he's incredibly weird but after a brief breakup my friend has gotten her mind together to make sure he knows she's not going to let him take advantage of her. It took some getting to know him, which I was extremely not thrilled about, but I learned that he was not as bad as I first thought him to be (whatever, he turned my friend into a robot). Don't get me wrong, I still think he's controlling and manipulative (he whined and turned into an angry, dictating child to get his way about some things and I understood why my friend is so passive sometimes!) but I can't do more than I've already done to make things better because I know if I pushed my friend like her mom did all that time prior to the wedding, she would have shut everyone out again, had a secret wedding, probably get pregnant, and be posting baby's 1st photos right now with no one knowing wtf happened.

It took loads of getting things into perspective for everyone. It was remembering what Anon 3:15, Rhubarb, and Madison said that really kept me focused. Thanks for posting the original email because it helped me then and it helps me now. Relationships have been repaired, lives are on a better track, and it was a regular, American wedding in which the florist nearly ruins the day instead of the family.

Signed,
A Stress Free Me


*****

It's so unlike me to brag.... But I have, like, REALLY GREAT READERS.

Photo by Ilva Heitmann by Markus Pritzi for Sleek Magazine via Fashion Gone Rogue

crazysauce (by request)

Dear ESB,

Got a little crazysauce right here for you.

My sister (MOH) got the email below from our Mom regarding the bachelorette party. Please note the excessive use of "sorry" and "plz"and the casual mention of her cardiologist so you know this is all fucking with her heart literally and figuratively. Also, we have met Betty* twice and she was married to our cousin, shotgun style, last week.

Days ago your aunt called and said "here is Cousin A's email so you can invite his wife Betty to Bride's bachelorette party". Your aunt said "all I hear is Carol and Deb making plans", I said "I do not know anything about this bachelorette party....."
I am so sorry , I known it's a big deal. Sorry plz, plz plz do the right thing and invite her she may be under 21 I do not know.....I will lose your aunt and the family if she is not invited. Your aunt will make sure of that sorry, sorry. I did not sleep again yesterday. She called me again to see if I gave you the email, sorry.
I cannot deal with everything happening right know I do not say anything to you guys about anything. I keep everything to myself...But your aunt has no problem bringing this up........I have another appointment on Thursday with the cardiologist. He wants me on betablockers ...plz do the the right thing plz.Sorry Sorry...Like I said, I knew nothing about  the bachelorette party..........I am always the last one to know everything....I did not know Carol and Deb were invited . Here is your cousins email, 123@gmail.com

My sister being the boss that she is writes back:

1. We didn't invite Carol

2. Betty doesn't even speak English

3. I have bigger things to worry about than your family acting like a bunch of high school kids!
 Don't act like I'm doing something wrong by not doing the "right" thing! I'm tired of your crazy family!

This exchange is a nice little example of how my wedding planning has gone and how helpful my mom has been. To her credit, I don't know how she deals with everything going on -- my father is an ex-con and drug addict (they are divorced), my stepfather is physically disabled (walking me down the aisle because of those two things is another source of drama), her other sister was recently evicted and she has to make travel arrangements to the wedding for her brother because he's incapable of doing so for himself. Don't forget, he wouldn't have to make travel arrangements in the first place if we would have  just had the wedding in my hometown instead of where we currently live.

I have seriously started to think that weddings are just a bad idea if you don't have a semi-normal family. I know that no family is completely normal but being able to pretend you are is just as good. 

How do you keep positive when your family is such a mess and you feel like you don't even deserve to have a normal wedding?

*Names have been changed to protect the crazies.

*****

You and your BOSS sister should start an anonymous blog to chronicle the crazysauce.

plzplzplzdotherightthing.blogspot.com is available! As is plzdotherightthingplz.blogspot.com

Melting Ice Cream Dress by Kermit Tesoro via Fashion Salad via Steven Vandenplas via crimesofparis

Wedding planning is bringing out the worst....

Hi ESB,

Please help - I need your (and your readers) help on some drama that's come up. 

A bit of background: we live ~ 6 hours away from our families, are not religious, and want a chill outdoor wedding close to where we live. My parents, specifically my mom, want us to get married where THEY live, in a church - they are very Catholic - and have the reception in a "regular" venue like a hall or somesuch. 

After many awkward, painful, and kinda passive aggressive conversations about faith, family, etc., we have reached something of a compromise with them by choosing to get married on a family friend's property near where they live. The friends have 30 acres of beautiful land located about an hour away from where my parents live, and we'll have both the (secular) ceremony and reception on the property. There are a couple of very pretty meadows, and a large empty building on the property that can be a backup in case of either crazy heat or rain. Best of all, it's FREE. My mom has made her disapproval known of all the other venues I suggested, but she suggested this property so I was sure that once we settled on that option that everything would be hunky-dory.  

NOT SO. My mom is a champion guilt-tripper and feels that outdoor weddings are a "trendy fad" and actually straight up asked me if I really and truly wanted an outdoor wedding or if i was just having one "to keep up with my hipster friends." She also is constantly reminding me of the numerous stories she claims to have heard of outdoor weddings being besieged by rain and/or heat and how everyone hated them and left super early. 

She has also said that someone as anxiety-prone as myself shouldn't have an outdoor wedding since it's way too stressful to worry about the weather during the entire process of planning. I realize that I sound like a child with all the complaints about my mom's BS (for the record, I'm 28), but despite her faults I really love my mom and have always envisioned having her be a part of the planning process. Wedding planning is bringing out the worst in me, as I'm a people pleaser with strong tendencies towards anxiety and catholic guilt (just like alec baldwin says ... it never leaves you!) 

Anyways, I'll wind this up since this is getting crazy long: basically, my confidence in what I want for my wedding day has eroded to the point where I'm basically convinced that it's going to rain and everyone will judge me and hate me for dragging them out into a soggy meadow to watch me get married. I find myself staying up late either obsessing over long-term weather forecasts or looking longingly at photos of destination weddings in Italy. I also feel sad that what I hoped would be a happy time is essentially one of the shittier periods in my life. 

Please talk some sense into me.  

Thanks!

*****

OUTDOOR WEDDINGS ARE THE BEST WEDDINGS.

And your mom is being an asshole. She straight-up called you "anxiety-prone"? Tell her she's the one who's fucking anxiety-prone and it's rubbing off on you and if she doesn't chill out and start doing some fucking yoga (or maybe take a B-complex? everyone should take a B-complex) you'll run off and get married at the fucking courthouse like a real hipster.


Lydia Carron by Takahiro Ogawa for Amica December 2012 via Fashion Gone Rogue

Mommy Dearest says I ruined the wedding

My fiance and I live on the east coast, but are getting married in the midwest (where both of our families are). My parents are paying for most of the wedding, with a few contributions from my future in-laws. My fiance and I are both students so paying for a wedding ourselves was pretty much out of the question. It is a smallish wedding, nice but nothing over the top. I am super busy and didn't want to make myself crazy with unnecessary details and DIY b.s. Our wedding is less than 30 days away, and my mom has recently gone off the deep end and made it all about her.

My mom and I went together to pick out the venue, did the tasting, picked out flowers, had a trial-run hair appt., bought decorations, etc., TOGETHER. My fiance came along to scout the venue but wasn't able to make a second trip back to the midwest so the rest of the decisions were mostly made by my mom and me. My mom is very controlling and can be very negative. While I am usually very easygoing and pretty much let her call the shots, I was more firm and assertive with the wedding planning. Partly because I do feel like it's one of the few times in my life it is about me, and partly because most of her opinions were based on impressing the guests rather than any of her own preferences.

Fast forward to now, less than a month before the wedding, and she has now called to tell me how angry and hurt she is because she says I excluded her from EVERY decision about the wedding. That is not how I see it. She gave me input on almost every decision, but in some cases I made my own decisions and did not go along with her input. To be clear, the overall wedding is exactly what she wanted (as in the venue, food, ceremony, etc. are all consistent with her "input"). The details that I didn't compromise on are minor, like table runners, number of people in the wedding party being even on both sides (she wanted it to be even, I said my fiance and I were going to ask who is important to us and not worry about numbers), I let the bridesmaids choose their own dresses (she wanted them to match exactly), etc.

There are a few decisions I made on my own without asking for her input (readings for the ceremony, the sash for my dress), frankly because I was pretty tired of her criticism (she spent at least 30 minutes on the phone criticizing my fiance's choice of suit, for one example). For the record, there was not one decision she directly said she wanted to make on her own, just a lot of criticism and indirect comments.

She has now told me that she is irreparably hurt and that "this can never be undone." She has also said that my excluding her has ruined the wedding. To add to that, she said I am selfish, self absorbed, and that she will be bitter forever about how I ruined this for her because I am her only daughter. She said that weddings are supposed to be a "mother-daughter" event (I would disagree and say they are a family celebration, and the focus should be the couple).

I feel terrible that she is saying this to me, but I also feel like I included her in every decision so I feel like her hurt feelings are unwarranted. My guess is she is mad that she didn't get to MAKE every decision. I also think it is new for her that I am being a little more assertive and she's having a hard time accepting it. I don't want to have all of these negative feelings and anxiety about how she's going to behave the day of the wedding. My fiance is great, my friends are all happy and supportive, and my dad doesn't seem to have any hurt feelings (my parents are still married so they talk to each other about this). So if not for this, I would feel great about the wedding coming up.

I'm not sure, should I apologize to her? And if so, for what? Am I being selfish? Right now I feel terribly guilty and am not sure what to do.

*****

Your mom is behaving like a five-year-old because she's sad that you're all growed up. (Irony, much?) She just realized that in 30 days, you realllllllllly won't need her any more.

You DO NOT owe her an apology, but cut her some slack. Just tell her, "I love you, mom. The wedding is going to be beautiful."

Photo by Sofia Sanchez and Mauro Mongiello for Numero via Trendland

I don't even know how to title this one

Hello ESB, 

Long time reader. First time writer. In the middle of my engagement my parents' thirty year marriage has for lack of a better word has exploded like a Sponge bob pinata at a birthday party. 

The day I was wedding dress shopping with my mother, my father was on vacation in the Caribbean with his mistress of twelve years. Understandably, my mother was upset but decided for my sake that she would not divorce my father until after a wedding which is next May. I told her I would go with her to the courthouse

My father knows this. He continues to see his mistress (whose name and address I known since I was fourteen) every weekend since his vacation this summer. We know he's with her because he makes a show of it and disappears for days upon end. He's doing all this because he knows my mother wants everything to be perfect for the wedding. 

My mother is miserable and hurt. She continues to stay with my father out of concern that he will do one or all of the following if she files for divorce from him before the wedding: 

1. he will refuse to pay for my wedding out of anger at her which he offered to do from the beginning. I never asked but he has been insistent since he missed out on a large chunk of my childhood he wants to make it up to me. 

2. he will bring his mistress to the wedding and flaunt her in front of my mother (my brother has threatened to kick his ass if he does this) Personally if he wants to do this nonsense, he can go to someone else's wedding not ours

3. he will be a complete dick at the wedding and ruin everything.

Today my mother was in tears about the way my father is treating her. She doesn't know if she can make it until May and is upset that my special day will be ruined. My mother can not pay for the wedding by herself (she busted her butt putting both my brother and I through college and continues to support the household without any help from my father).

I want my mother to be happy and not have to deal with this nonsense. She wants me to have a nice family wedding and not have to deal with any of this family stuff. 

My fiance and I have been considering getting married at City Hall so that all the family tension will be over.  

What should we do? I need your wisdom

*****

First of all, REALLY? IS THIS EVEN A QUESTION??

2. You do realize it takes more than a trip to the courthouse to get a divorce? Right now I'm much more concerned about your mom than your stupid wedding.

Patricia Van Der Vliet By Ellen Von Unwerth For Grey Magazine

Did your mother boycott your wedding??

Dear ESB:

A friend of mine is marrying a really awful person. He's mentally abusive/controlling, uses my friend, and is possibly (probably) marrying her for her money. Joke's on him since her mother changed her will now that he is in the picture. But I digress! He's kind of turned my friend into this weirdo I don't recognise who now hates her mother b/c he's brainwashed her into thinking her mom's a bad person, which she really isn't. He gets angry on the rare occasion she talks with her mother, follows her movements, all kinds of stuff that she says she's okay with (it's b/c he loves her!). Basically she's marrying her father/mom's asshole ex-husband (don't get me started on him). 

I've known this girl since she was born, her mother is like a second mother to me, she is one of the only people outside my family who I can trust (and it's probably due to the fact she -is- like family to me!). Granted, she is rather conservative, and the girl rebelled quite a bit at university, but I didn't think she'd end up hating her mother like this. It's to the point where she has /no/ friends, doesn't speak to family, and this all started during her 2nd year of university when she met this knob-head. He's the only guy she's ever dated/been with, etc, I feel like he preyed on her because of that, like she was an easy target. I mean, 3 months into dating him we went out while she was in town and she said she can't tell him we're going out because he needs to be with her when she does. She accidentally answered her mobile and he chewed her out to the point where she stopped having fun and wanted to leave.

I've tried talking sense into my friend, but she's stuck on the idea that her mother is the problem and whatnot. She thinks she's all kinds of mature and ~worldly because she's 25, and a woman, but I've never met a more naive person in my life. She's smart and independent!!! :|||| 

Now they're engaged, and well, that's it for the most part. Her mother doesn't plan on attending the wedding because he is just that bad. My mother (who is the only person she trusts) tells her she's going to regret it, I tell her the same thing, but she refuses to go, and I know her, she will not go. It always feels so hopeless. I just look at divorce rates and pray to the almighty to make it happen, or make something happen before it's too late.

My question for you and your readers is: how many have been in the situation where your parent(s) didn't attend your wedding because of your choice of spouse (or anything, for that matter)? How is your relationship now, has it changed at all? I only wonder because I don't want my friend's mother to make a decision that will change everything forever with her daughter for good. I guess I'm kind of hoping that there's actually hope for their relationship in the future.

Any words of wisdom? Bittersweet experiences at all?

Best,
Not Naive Friend.

*****

Throwing this one out to you guys....

Photo by Ilva Heitmann by Markus Pritzi for Sleek Magazine via Fashion Gone Rogue

C'mon, Mom. Isn't an invite to the wedding enough??

Dear ESB,

Your blog is rad. I need your help although I'm afraid of what you might say. This is hard to confine to a couple of paragraphs but here's the deal.

I'm having a big damn wedding in NYC. My parents are paying for the reception venue and we are paying for everything else. I'm having a sweet rehearsal dinner and I want my close friends to get to experience it. I have too many guests for the dinner, though. My dad is one of four kids, and my mom is one of six kids. We are relatively close to my dad's siblings and all are invited, along with their kids. I talk to these people. I see them at holidays. My mom's family is more...complicated. Due to a crapload of drama you don't want to hear about, only two of my mom's siblings are invited, along with their kids and the spouses of those kids.  All from both sides would be traveling out of state to attend the wedding.

I would rather invite close family friends (my godparents, for example) to my rehearsal dinner instead of my mom's siblings and their kids. This stuff is getting expensive and crowded. I don't want another wedding the night before my wedding. The last time I spoke to any of that side of the family was years ago at my grandpa's funeral. The two invited siblings are nice people with nice families, but I'm just not very close to them. Isn't an invite to the wedding enough? My mom doesn't seem to think so...

Sincerely,

Am I an A$$hole?

*****

Basically, what you're telling your mom is "I don't like your family." 

Do you want to tell your mom that? No. No, you don't.

Photo: Stella Maxwell via Stockholm Streetstyle

all of my bridesmaids suck and my mom hates me.

pre-apology: super long and some run on sentences, but i am really frustrated.

let me start with my mommy issues... i moved out of my parent's when i was 20, yes, it was abrupt and probably should have been handled better, but i felt the need to go, but this devastated both of my parents, but my mom is far more vocal about it (or not vocal, seeing as she wouldn't speak to me for 2 months). just a month after i left home and moved 1200 miles away, yeah, all at once, hopped on a bus and made my journey, i met my fiancée. due to financial issues, we moved in together 4 weeks after we started dating and were engaged one week later. i knew she would freak out, so i didn't tell them i was engaged right away, i waited about 2 more months, because we were still not getting along well so they had not come to visit me and had not met him. we decided we wanted to get married right away, we just clicked, soul mates and whatnot, so i basically just invited them to come see us get married, which was basically just an elopement. i will be the first to admit, that was probably not nice, but begrudgingly, they came and the day before the wedding, we all sat down and talked, and my fiancee and i decided to wait, seeing as how they, again, begrudgingly agreed to pay for a wedding, in exchange for us being a little more patient. we also talked one on one and agreed to start over, my mom would stop "punishing" me for moving out. things went ok for a couple months, but then she started doing it again, not talking to me, literally refusing to talk about the wedding, she actually told me i am "a horrible person with no morals" and that i would not have the wedding i imagined, insinuating that even if they could afford something, they would not do it, just to spite me.

well, here is the dilemma, though, i want to have a real wedding and it will be years before we could afford to have a wedding on our own, and i do not want to wait years to actually get married, but if we go to the courthouse, my family will never forgive me, and obnoxious as they are, i still love them. so, we have some paperwork to take care of, so we are having a hard time setting a date, but we know it will be this year, so i have chosen my bridesmaids and i am planning out all of the details and being as kind as i possibly can, i asked my bridesmaids to go to a website and pick their favorite style for their dress...twice now. no response, from any of them, most of whom are my relatives, they don't answer when i send them anything or ask any questions about the wedding, for their opinion, because i am doing this by myself from another state, where they live. i write a blog full of inspiration for my wedding, and i know for a fact they don't read, and the only one who ever shows any interest bitches about anything i choose because we are very opposite in terms of style and personality, but i love her, she is my cousin and i am one of the few people who will put up with shit.

so seriously, how the eff do i deal with all of them? if i anger them, then there is no wedding, and if there is no wedding, we will go to the courthouse, and then we will be screwed, because my mom will hate me and the rest of my family will follow.

*****

YOU JUST MET HIM.

Stop trying to plan a wedding and enjoy all the we-just-met-and-we're-madly-in-love stuff.

Srsly. Wedding planning is a total boner killer.

Photos by Fabio Bartelt for Marie Claire, Layout by DESIGNLOVEFEST via cevd

Mama Drama

Dear ESB,

First, I find your blog hilarious. I love reading it (and not simply because it means I don't have to work during those 10 - 15 minutes). Second, I wish I didn't have to write you. But, I feel I've really tried to resolve a few issues that have arisen with my family following my engagement in an emotionally intelligent manner, but it's not worked and I'd appreciate your perspective and advice. Here's the skinny...

Background:
My parents have been divorced for 20+ years and my dad is missing in action. My mom is SUPER emotional and where I see everything in black and white, she sees shades of gray. My step-dad is relatively new to the scene, but I've never lived with him in the family house and I only see him 1 - 2x/year. He has repeatedly said he hates weddings and has criticized every family wedding we've been to. My fiance and I live abroad and I have not lived in or near my home town in the northwest for 12 years. He's from the south. We decided to consider venues in our current home abroad, the southeast, and the northwest. However, after looking at venues, we decided we were set on the south. We do not want a big event and I'm not a girl who ever thought about a wedding until I had a ring on my finger. In fact, I think the whole industry is a bit nuts (apologies). [Editor's Note: Why would you apologize to ME?!] We just want to celebrate into the wee hours with friends and family we never get to see and I wouldn't mind doing so in a fab frock. My argument with my family has been going on for 7+ weeks.

Problem:
After suggesting that we were going to get married in the south, my relationship with my mother really started to break down. She has repeatedly said that she doesn't care were we get married, but while we were trying to book a date, she kept changing her black-out dates. And, every time I'd suggest a potential time of year, she or my step-dad would book a vacation for that month. She's also criticized my ring saying it needs more bling. I was so frustrated with the process (as were my vendors, no doubt) that I finally just booked a date without consulting my mom or her husband and just hoped they could come.

Before I booked the venue, however, she and I had the dreaded budget conversation. She wasn't prepared for the cost of a wedding and said she would reconsider her contribution, agreeing it was too small. When she responded, she said that she didn't think she should contribute more to my wedding than my step-dad contributed towards his daughter. I was a little frustrated with this response not only because my mother and step-dad keep separate accounts (she still works and he is retired), but also because my step sister had 50 people at her wedding, no alcohol, no band, no flowers, no nothing. My mother's family alone is roughly 50 people so I didn't think we were really comparing apples to apples. I suggested as much to my mom by email (outlining our budget) and also raised my frustrations with the never ending vacation schedule.

My step-dad then responded to my email to my mother with an antagonistic email suggesting I was rude, selfish, and vitriolic and that my petty complaints needed to stop (something he wished he'd suggested ages ago). He also referenced his daughter's wedding several times and said that I could essentially copy hers and cut my budget by 50%. I think he is particularly protective of her as she suffers from learning disabilities, is extremely overweight, and has never really excelled socially. He closed by saying that he would delete any response from me. The email left me absolutely gutted. When my parents first got divorced, I paid the house bill with the earnings from my high school job and I've always tried to do nice things for my family. I volunteer regularly and worked with an inner city kid get into private school and eventually college. I like to think I'm kind and have a social conscience and if I don't, someone should have told me a long time ago (and not by email).

I tried to phone both he and my mom and they both ignored me for a week+. When I finally got a hold of my step-dad, he indicated that he could have used softer language but meant what he wrote. My mom does not think there was anything wrong or inappropriate in his message and just keeps telling me to move on. She's said that if I can't move on and improve my behavior, I'm not welcome to come home--my step-dad recently banned my brother from spending the night at their house.

A family member passed away yesterday and my mom yelled at me when she broke the news and then hung up on me. 

Conclusion:
My fiance has been very supportive. He's not said anything ill about either my mom or step-dad, but offered suggestions for resolving my problem. He's also been super involved in the planning even going so far as to rally casual friends to help me pick a dress. I still don't know what to do. I don't think I want my mom's contribution under these circumstances and though I think my step-dad is a major source of the problem, I don't think I could ever say this. I'm a realist and don't think marriage is a walk in the park. I think we'll have our ups and downs and will need support and kindness from people we can count on to get through the difficult patches. I think my mom and step-dad's negative energy is counter productive to all that.

I'm also sad because as we're moving forward with the planning, I think my mom is really missing out. She's not been involved in any of the decisions so far and I would have liked to have shared this with her. I'm just feeling a little alone in all this. How do I resolve this without eroding the relationship with my only parent? And how do I feel a little less alone?

*****

I suspect there is tension around money with your mom and stepdad, especially if her cash is more free-flowing than his. Unconsciously, your stepdad may be thinking it'll make him look bad if your wedding is more elaborate than his daughter's was.

And they may have other shit going on financially. (The yelling at you over the phone and then hanging up on you? There's something your mom's not telling you.)

Your only recourse is to pay for your own wedding.

Once the pressure is off, you can tell your mom you'd still like her help with the planning. I bet (I hope!) she'll be happy to hear it.

Image: Dan Tague via Charles Hall via 01 Blog

I don't want to invite my stepfather

Dear ESB,

Here is another one of those "to invite or not invite" problems: I will be getting married next summer and I do not want to invite my stepfather to the wedding. He has ruined most of my childhood and we are not speaking to each other since five years. In brief, I avoid him whenever I can. If it weren't for my mother I would not have a problem now but she is still very attached to him, although they have officially separated a long time ago. They spend a lot of time together, visit family together, travel. She understands how I feel about him, but does not want to come alone to my wedding. She says she will not have anyone to dance with. It might also appear strange to my family who see those two together all the time and I will probably have to explain a lot to them about why he is not present at the wedding. But it is not like I can invite him and have him seated at a table far away from mine. If he comes as my mother's plus one, he will be sitting at my table. I do not want my mom to feel sad and alone at my wedding. She already tries to convince me that he is not all that bad and reminds me of some rare nice moments we had as a family earlier on. How can I tell her that she cannot bring him, without hurting her immensely and having to listen to her complaints for years to come?!

PS: Sorry for my English, I am not a native speaker.

*****

Grab your mother by the shoulders and tell her "THIS WEDDING IS NOT ABOUT YOU."

Is she also planning to wear white? You'd better nip that in the bud.

(Photo by Mert & Marcus via Rosie Keszek)