Bangable hair

Hey ESB,

I am in the process of ending a relationship. It was great, until I realized he's a total player and the connection I thought we had was really just my imagination. The sex was amazing, but I have learned the hard way that physical chemistry can be deceptive. Just because his hands knew just how to touch me, his arms just how to squeeze me hello, and his huge dick how to give me multiple orgasms doesn't mean it was done with care. It just means he knows the right moves. And he's using them on a handful of other girls on the nights I'm not with him.

I have long hair (below boob length), which I know is a turn on for most guys, and especially for this dude. He made me feel so potent and sexy, and I think I kept it long for that reason. I've been wanting to cut my hair since before I met him. It seems like now is the time to go for the messy, dirty, I don't give a fuck bob I've been craving. But I hate to admit... part of me worries about not being bangable with short hair.

I know I need to "own it" and that confidence is sexy, but come on, confidence is fickle. I also know hair grows back, but that always takes forever. What if I cut my hair short and look like Lena Dunham on a bad day (but without her sense of humor)? What if I look like a soccer mom? Why do I feel tied to some male expectation of sexy?

I am so ready for a change. Help convince me to say fuck it and just do it. And if you have any other tips, I welcome them with open arms.

*****

Start off slow. You don't have to get a shaved-up-the-back-of-your-neck bob. You can get a messy, sexy, Alexa Chung bob. A Karlie Kloss for Iro bob (see above). A fuck-it, bed-head-y whoever-this-is bob. (Be sure to bring photos to your stylist.)

But do it! Cut it! Cut your hair!

Cut it just to prove to yourself that you are damn sexy with WHATEVER HAIR YOU PLEASE

1. Cut your hair.

2. Buy a killer pair of jeans.

3. Go read The New Yorker at a hotel bar and allow some lonely gentleman to buy you a martini.

4. Go home alone, feeling smug.

4a. Or not! Get on tinder and find yourself some strange!

Great, now I want a bob. (Alexis, are you reading? Should we give me #3?)

Photo: Claudia Knoepfel and Stefan Indlekofer

What if some people don't "just know"?

Hi, ESB. 

I'm writing with a quandary that's been rolling around in my head for a while. I'm in a great relationship. He is supportive, funny, kind, handsome and all of that. We have a relationship well founded in trust and support- no questions there. We've been together for five years and have shared a home for most of that time.

Of course conversations eventually turn into questions about marriage. It isn't a huge "must do" for either of us. I would at some point like to have a celebration of love and families coming together but nothing even close to the whole cupcake-bride-with-a-big-expensive-string-of-events.

A week ago we had a really good but hard and honest conversation. We both admitted that we see so much compatibility but lament a sometimes meh sex life and aren't entirely sure if we are each other’s "the one.” We both expressed our frustration about not knowing and anxiety about whether we are the kind of people that ever might "just know.” A lot of people say they had that feeling before getting married. And I'm sure for some people it is true, but isn't there also a leap of faith a bit? If we were to break up would we just be throwing the baby out with the bath water? I've never been one to believe that marriage is the final destination or an easy time. Inevitably there are things you compromise on. I have a partnership that is mutually dependent and supportive. I love him, I'm attracted to him and I love sharing my life with him.... but what gives about knowing about "the one"? 

I'd love it if people shared how they know/don't know/knew/thought they knew/never knew they found a partner for life.

Thank you!

*****

Fuck "the one."

Is sex important to you? Is a meh sex life a dealbreaker? For either of you??

Because if it ain't working now, marriage won't fix it.



p.s. I posted a similar dilemma here. And Dan Savage has a lot to say on this subject -- listen to his podcast, I beg of you!!!

Image: Ernesto Artillo

It's not that the sex is bad or anything....

Hey ESB,

I have a non wedding related question for you and your wise minions.

I got married to my husband 3 months ago, after being with him for about 4 years.  

At the moment, he works away for 2 weeks at a time, and is only home for 1 week. This past swing, he was away for 4 weeks and has been home for 2.

You would expect that when he got home after being away for 2 weeks, I would be wanting to rip his clothes off and have sex with him then and there right? Wrong! I am not feeling it at all. We usually have sex the first night he gets home, and I am sort of into it, but then that's it. Right now, has been home for 2 weeks and we have only had sex that one time, the first night he was home.

It's not that the sex is bad or anything, I just can't be bothered and I know that sounds absolutely terrible!! I feel like life just gets in the way and sex is the last thing I feel like. I try to pump myself up for it because I know he is going away soon, but I don't know, I seem to have lost all interest.

I know that this hurts him too, and I think it is probably doing damage to our relationship as well. I am 23, if I don't want to have sex now, what will our future be like?

I think that before he started working away things were better, we had sex at least once a week, and maybe I felt more close to him or something?

I guess my actual question is probably...what should I do, and is this in any way normal?

Any advice you could give would be very welcome.

Thanks ESB

*****

Sadly, this is very normal.

Sexual desire in any long-term relationship tends to have a kind of ebb and flow.

And contrary to popular belief, intimacy, affection, security and/or MOTHERFUCKING CUDDLING are not necessarily turn-ons for women. Routine can kill the excitement.

What is the solution to this??

Harboring fantasies, keeping a secret or two, having sex even when you don't feel like having sex because sometimes your body needs a kick-start to remember: "Oh, yeah. I like this!"

Initiating sex NOT AT BEDTIME, which, imho is the absolute unsexiest time to have sex (See: Afternoon Delight).

Are a few tricks I recommend.

Hormonal birth control can also be a libido-killer for a lot of women. If you're currently on the pill, trying going off for a little while.

Okay, dying to hear more suggestions/advice from the minions....



Louise Grinberg By Raphael Just for Jalouse February 2013 via Visual Optimism

I found his secret sex toy stash

Dear ESB,


My fiance and I have been together about five years, engaged for five months. We just bought a house together about a month ago and plan to get married next year. Earlier in our relationship, it became apparent that his sex drive is much stronger than mine. I do enjoy sex and have had the best sex of my life with this man, I just don't initiate as much as he'd like. I always get into it once we get going, but it's rarely ever my idea.

We've talked about this a few times, though it's hard for me to discuss without getting emotional because I end up feeling like a failure as a woman and a sexual being. I think it stems from some old insecurities of mine. He really can't stand it when I get very emotional, so sometimes he avoids topics he knows will set me off. At one point I thought we weren't compatible enough in terms of sex drive and he'd never propose and we'd eventually break up. But he did, and he also stopped commenting on my lack of initiation.

So recently we've settled into a routine of doing it first thing most mornings, aka not my body's favorite time to be intimate to begin with. I roll with it as enthusiastically as possible. He always seems to enjoy it and is very complimentary, especially when I give him a blow job (often).

Anyway, I was packing for a trip recently and found his secret sex toy/lube stash under a couch. Specifically, it was a butt plug. I'm not that weirded out, because I know even straight men like stimulation there, but I'm hurt that he was keeping a secret in our house, and I'm back at the feeling of failure because I'm obviously not fulfilling all his needs and he doesn't feel like he can share this with me. I have been really busy lately with work and other stuff, but we do it about four or five times a week. I know he masturbates and watches porn sometimes when he's alone, which doesn't bother me, but for some reason this strikes me as a more serious need. Am I overreacting? I am not sure how long he's had this, but it would have been harder to hide it in our apartment, which was smaller.

Should I confront him about it? Ignore it and keep with the status quo, which meets my own needs? Put my finger there next time we're doing it and see how it goes? (I think I would be open to more experimentation along these lines...) All other aspects of our relationship are awesome.

xoxo

*****

I'd open with "Hey, I found your butt plug!" 

No, really. I bet he wanted you to find it.

Play with the butt plug or don't play with the butt plug. The butt plug is not the problem. The problem is "the status quo," as you put it, which sorta meets your needs but also sorta has you doling out blow jobs every morning when you'd really rather be asleep.

You love this man so much you're willing to go above and beyond in the sack (4 or 5 times a week is a LOT for most couples, trust) and he loves you so much he's willing to squelch his desire for you to initiate, but resentment will build up eventually. On both sides.

What are these "old insecurities" of yours? Have you tried talking to a therapist?

Maybe this is something you can work through, or maybe (surprise!) you two are just not sexually compatible.

But please don't commit to Mr. Libido -- for life -- while you're "feeling like a failure as a woman." Please. A ring will not make everything all better.

Amours Boudin II by Fabian Souche

Please Help Me.

Dear ESB,

I never really thought I would ever be writing to you, but at this moment I feel so damn confused and don’t want my friends and family to weigh in because I’m embarrassed.

My husband and I have been together for about 6 years, married for 2. We met through work and quickly became BFFs... about 6 months into our friendship we started dating. He inspired me and made me feel amazing and I know I did the same for him.  

We, however, had very different sexual pasts. I wouldn’t say that I was ever promiscuous, I just had a much more varied sex life (toys, positions, frequency, oral etc.) and he had a much more vanilla sex life. In the beginning of our relationship we had a very healthy sex life, nothing really rocked my world, but the intimacy we shared was enough to make sex awesome nonetheless.

When we decided to move across country something changed. At this point it’s probably pertinent to mention that he is in incredible shape (like he is one of the most attractive men I’ve ever seen). I, on the other hand, have always been told I was beautiful, but began to put on some weight. I went from a size 6/8 to about 10/12 (about 15 lbs)... Now at this point our sex life screeches to a halt and I notice and start mentally freaking out. We just moved across country, this is my best friend what the FUCK is going on???   

Things started kind of slow - he would ask me if I had exercised at all when he got home from work, or he would start commenting on what I was eating. At first, I obliged him by answering because I thought he was merely curious... It became evident that curiosity wasn’t his motivation. Sensing he was having issues with the way that I looked - I brought it up and asked if the reason we weren’t being physical with one another was because I had gained weight... At first he denied it, but after several conversations over the next couple weeks he fessed up.

I tried to understand where he was coming from - he is in incredible shape, it makes sense that he would want his GF to take care of the way she looks. But then I started to get really fucking angry because I was feeling rejected and shitty. When we weren’t discussing sex, our relationship was/is great. We had fun, laughed, cuddled - but we weren’t being intimate. I can’t even count the number of times he and I had talked about it, but nothing really changed, things really just kept getting worse.

The constant criticism of what I put in my mouth or what I cooked or where we went for dinner continued, the sex was obsolete, and our friendship started to suffer. We blamed it on the move and the stress of our new careers, but the truth was I could handle all of that. What I couldn’t handle was feeling rejected and judged by the person I thought loved me for who I was. There is so much back story for why this was so hurtful to me and how paralyzed I felt, but seriously no one wants to read about my daddy issues...

Fast forward - he proposed, despite us having this very serious issue. I said yes, because I felt like everything else about him was amazing and perfect. We have been married two years.

We didn’t have sex on our wedding night. Or the next day. We have had sex less than 10 times in two years. We have fought like crazy (about this issue and ONLY this issue), and now I don’t know what to do.  

To be fair, I have gained a total of about 30 lbs at this point, have made no effort to diet and have no patience and snap at him for asking/talking/mentioning anything about my weight and/or food choices. And am generally more edgy, critical and angry.

Last week we had, what I thought to be, a constructive argument that ended in us both understanding how we played a role in what happened. I, however, have changed. And although I warned him several years ago that if he continued down this road - I was going to resent him and that I didn’t know if I would be able to forgive him - here we are. And now I am depressed and sad - I smoke pot daily to destress. I hate looking in the mirror. I binge eat. And some days I just want to die.

I love him. And despite most of your readers probably wanting me to shoot him in the face - he is a good man. He still makes me laugh, cuddles me, rubs my back and I can tell him almost anything - and in the last couple weeks he has really made an effort to stop being critical. But there is still no intimacy and now I don’t know how or if I should get it back.

He has stated that for all those years he viewed my resistance to getting into great shape as a slap in the face, because he demonstrates how important it is to him and stays in shape and that it felt like I wasn’t taking his needs and desires into consideration. I feel like it’s really important that I mention that because I do see the validity in that statement...

But another part of me wants to shake myself. At this point I can’t even think straight - I go from completely agreeing with him to wanting to slap myself for being so weak. It’s been so many years of promises broken in this regard, but the times when this isn’t being focused on things are OK, not amazing, but OK.

The shitty part is - I would really like to be in good shape again. I miss feeling beautiful and not because some guy was telling me I was.  

I wish I could live in the first years of our relationship again, because I miss him and I miss the comfort and safety I felt.  

Please help me. I am mortified - I don’t know what to do. Is my baggage making me hyper sensitive? Is it wrong that I still so desperately want him to want me? Why is this so taboo feeling?

Thanks for “listening” + sorry for the long email.  I didn't read it back, but I can't be crying at work right now.

*****

GET IN SHAPE.

Not for him, for you.

Swear off pot for a year, get in shape and get yourself to therapy. Talk through those "daddy issues" you didn't want to get into here. There's something else going on with you.

On the one hand, this guy is a dick for not wanting to sleep with you just because you've gained weight…. On the other hand, there is nothing less attractive than someone who is angry + depressed + binge-eating.

There's something else going on with you and you need to work it out. Once you're in a healthier place, you can decide if Mr. Incredible Shape is someone you actually want to be married to.

Sasha Pivovarova in Commes des Garçons by Peter Lindbergh for Numéro #67 (October 2005) via Catbird + fuckyeahcommedesgarcons

sometimes I want it from someone else.

Hey ESB,

I'm writing to you super anonymously because this whole topic makes me nervous. Well, more embarrassed than nervous.

I want to get other people's advice on fidelity.

I've been married for 2 years, and love my husband. He is freakishly smart, extremely compassionate, and is a seriously handsome devil. But sometimes I have dreams about other men. Not hot sex dreams (I wish), but dreams where another man "likes" me, we make eyes at each other, he's crazy about me but we don't touch, or he writes me love letters that drive me crazy, like cheesy Nicholas Sparks shit (I've never read any of his books, but admit I watched The Notebook). I wake up the next morning and wish my husband made me feel that same way that these anonymous men do in my dreams. Sometimes he does. God, this is embarrassing to even write out.

Back in reality, I occasionally have crushes. Most women do. But for the first time in years (my husband and I dated for 11 years before getting married), a crush reciprocated and asked me to hang out, standing a little too close for comfort. I stammered some nonsense about not being able to, but didn't say I was married. It was hard to spit those words out. I can't say I wasn't tempted to pretend I was not married. It feels so good to be wanted.

My husband is into me, loves me, tells me I'm sexy, grabs me out of the blue, but sometimes I want it from someone else.

How do other people deal with these feelings? Do you shove them way down inside and hope they go away? Do they think of other men when having sex with their husbands? Do they have affairs just to see what another man feels like? Can people flirt harmlessly?

I know I need to tell my crush I'm not available, but it's hard closing that door. The most selfish parts of me want to keep up the ruse for the attention, the affirmation, the thrill. Like I said, embarrassing.

Thoughts from the pack of snarky women out there? I appreciate all of your input and experience.

*****

I'm pretty sure I can safely say that 30-90% of married women have similar feelings at some time or another. Not just the crush part. The "sometimes I want it from someone else" part. Doesn't EVERYONE have those feelings at some point? Human beings weren't built to be monogamous.

That said, I don't recommend that you run out and have an affair. If you want to go down the monogamish road you need to discuss it with your husband and get his permission. You'll have to decide if the wanting-it-from-someone-else is, as Dan Savage would say, a "deal breaker" for you.*

The alternative is to flirt. And, yes, there's such a thing as harmless flirting. *Hot* harmless flirting, even, which can fuel your fantasy life and liven up the sex you're having with your husband. (Feel free to think of other men during that sex! Or to imagine your husband is a different, cheesy, Nicholas Sparks-y man.)

Again, just don't deceive or mislead anyone. You really do have to tell that guy you're married.

And now.... I'm eager to hear from the peanut gallery. I've enabled anonymous comments today, for obvious reasons.

Arnaud Lajeunie via Kroutchev Planet Photo via PCKSHT

______________________________

*Do you listen to Dan Savage? Everyone should listen to Dan Savage.

At long last, IT'S EPISODE 4

Relationship drama, a thank-you card dilemma, AND a really juicy question from a (maybe?) virgin. All packed into 7 minutes.

Call (323) 905-4ESB to record your questions, comments and kudos.

The much-anticipated LUBE POST.

Part One:

Lube is not just for kinky people.

From age 16 to about 32 I thought I was bad at giving hand jobs. Pretty much avoided em altogether. It turns out YOU NEED LUBE FOR THAT. Guys use lube. (Or hand lotion, depending. But the sophisticates know that lube works better.) So why should you have slap around on it with your bare hand?

When he touches your clit during foreplay or inthemiddleoftheact -- or when you touch your own clit -- you know what works soooooooo much better than just licking your fingers? LUBE.

If you guys feel like having a quickie and skipping all that foreplay bullsh*t and your mind is so in it but maybe your body isn't ready yet... As in, there's not much natural lubrication happening? You know what's good for that? YEAH YOU DO.


Part Two:

Organic/Vagina-Friendly ingredients make a difference. There was a time when I thought Astroglide was, like, really super fancy amazing stuff. And the shit is slippery, there's no question about it.

But. I can't use Astroglide or any other glycerin-based lubes anymore. Even a glycerin-free lube that contained parabens sadly made me a little... itchy. And if you won't put that shit on your face, why would you put it up your twat?

Blossom Organics is the only personal lubricant I've found that is a) sufficiently slippery and b) totally gentle. You can read all about their ingredients vs. harsh ingredients + YOUR VAGINA over on the Blossom site.

______________________________
Full disclosure: This is not a paid post, but my friend J who works for Blossom Organics has been supplying me with free lube for about a year now. She even sent me an emergency supply that time my 4oz tube was confiscated at airport security. J, YOU RULE!

Can a marriage be happy without sex?

Dear East Side Bride

This is kind of weird because I don't know you and reaching out to someone I've never met IRL for advice is just plain crazy talk. But I am kind of desperate and you seem like someone who could give it to me straight... I need someone to give it to me straight right now.

I'm married. We hit the 3 year mark last week. The problem is that I am constantly disappointed by my husband. When I fell in love with my husband back in 2001 (!) he was energetic, idealistic, and passionate about many things. He had confidence like no other. I fell in love hard. The sex was good. We did it in cars, in the dorm, once in the bathroom of a hostel (horny twenty-year-olds don't really care about germs).

Over time he became reserved, socially awkward, and seemed to absorb my likes, dislikes etc. He seemed to lose his personality. Slowly, the sex disappeared. We had sex maybe 10 times a year during our mid-twenties. I always initiated and he always rejected.

When we got married things seemed to be good for the first year when his libido seemed to spike, but now, 3 years later, we have sex only once or twice a year. Sometimes he doesn't even finish. He always has excuses and blames his not wanting it on me. I always do something wrong; I pissed him off last week or this week; I said something mean yesterday; we have a "bad" relationship therefore how can I expect to have sex under such conditions. I feel like am being punished and worse I feel like I am begging my husband to make love to me. I don't want to come off as obnoxious but I think I am attractive and I take of myself. I think other men would love to have sex with me. Just not my husband.

On top of that I feel like a married a boy. He doesn't help in the housework, errands, cooking etc. I do all of the work around here. And he is inconsiderate.  For his thirtieth I took him to a Yankees game and set up a romantic BBQ on our roof garden. I even considered giving him a birthday BJ - but didn't even bother because he would say no. For my thirtieth birthday (2 weeks a go)  I got a coat from the gap... which he bought that day. I turned 30! for christs sake.

I know his behavior is largely due to his depression (he has been seeing someone for over a year and we have been in counseling for a year too). But it's been two years of this, When is enough enough? He always promises to have sex with me and then doesn't. I said he had to man-up and start pitching in on the housework etc. and he said fine but he wasn't going to be forced in to sex and he just didn't want to do it at this time. Maybe in the future. I love him and I see him as my soul mate. I want to spend my life with him but I wonder how important is sex in a marriage? I feel shallow for considering leaving him over not having sex. Its just I feel like a failed as a: wife, woman, and partner. Can a marriage be happy without sex? Have you seen eat pray love? I am as desperate as Julia Roberts is in the opening seen where she is praying to God. But I need real answers, ESB. What do you think?

I hope to hear from you soon- or hear from your readers- with love,

- Desperately seeking something

*****

Dear Desperately,

Enough is enough RIGHT NOW.

Obviously, sex is important to you. There's nothing wrong with that. (Sex is important to me!) But you're not leaving your husband because he won't fuck you. You're leaving him because he's an asshole. He doesn't do housework, he doesn't give a shit about your birthday, he is punishing you for his own unhappiness.

You're 30 now. When you wake up tomorrow you'll be 37... You only get one life. You know what I'm saying?

Love love love
ESB 

(Photo by Tom Beard for Vice Fashion via Vain and Vapid)

Christians are people too

Hey Jill,

Thanks for responding on the blog today.

I worry that my advice was a little flip, but honestly what I meant was: Go with your gut! Get on with your life together! And hearing more of your story just reinforced that for me. I hoped it helped to hear from other women who did the city hall thing too. Obviously, your religion is your own f*cking business. SHEESH.

Keep us posted will you? (I'd love to see photos from city hall and/or the big wedding if you feel like sending any.)

Love,
ESB

*****

Dear ESB, 

Thanks for responding. It was nice to hear someone else's input on the matter, many readers' input in fact. I am woman who is familiar with people judging my ideas. For my wedding day I have opted not to have paper wedding invites, call my women "bridesmaids" or have my wedding in a church. We are getting married on my (bought it myself, no man, no co-signer) 140 acre property next to the pond where my fiance proposed. My pet pig Tula will be walking down the aisle along with our three dogs. Our reception is in a 200 year old barn that was converted into a playhouse (which I rented for free, we just need to dust). This is not your mother's wedding.

The decision to get legally married ahead of time was three-fold. One, we are stoked to be married. Two, we want to live together and have sex. Three, it makes a lot of financial sense because he is in the military.

I will send you photos very soon because our engagement shoot is actually going to be (psych!) the photos from our legal wedding ceremony. Aside from the readers of ESB and a few friends we aren't announcing our legal marriage in case we are met with more opposition.

I've never understood why everyone want things, especially weddings, to be done the way they have been done before. I am an avid (avid!!) reader of wedding blogs and I feel like brides are finally getting this, things don't have to be any particular way, only the way that makes sense to you. I think as long as you are respectful of your guests (don't make your gramma sit on a cactus plant) then you should have free reign for your day.

It was awesome that you posted my email and I was so happy to hear all the feedback, even the comments about us trying to escape hell by getting legally married. I love your website and I will be a faithful reader long after my wedding day.

I have attached a few photos of my pre-wedding life. Enjoy! 

Jill

DEAR ESB: Is it "unmagical" to get legally married before the wedding?

My fiance and I are both old school Christians who want to wait until we get married to live together/get it on. We are also very excited about being man and wife. We have decided to get legally married this month even though our wedding isn't until August. My parents think that this will make our wedding "unmagical." I disagree because most couples live together, have sex and are legally common-law until their weddings and I would guess they would think their weddings were very magical. Am I insane for breaking the "way to do things" or are my parents just being stubborn? 

Jill

*****

Do it.

The wedding-night sex will be a whole lot more "magical" if you've had a little practice.

(Kate Moss, Vogue UK April 2010 via tobaccoandleather)

the joy of....

Inspired by this book review, I bought an old copy of The Joy of Sex on ebay to give H-town for Valentine's Day.*

Purely as an anthropological artifact you understand.

*I really wanted a first edition, but what I got was "Completely Revised and Updated for the 1980's." She: still shag haircut + gogo boots. He: still bearded neanderthal. Looks pretty seventies to me.

ART: TOM WESSELMANN, “BEDROOM PAINTING NO. 6” (1968)/ESTATE OF TOM WESSELMANN/Courtesy of The New Yorker