Breaking up with your MOH

Hey there ESB -

First off, I'm a fan - I appreciate the honesty and when you're planning a wedding, hearing other people's horror stories kinda puts things into perspective. So, to all you brides out there, here's mine:

My wedding is way over (almost 2 years now), but the legend of my MOH lives on and actually continues to haunt us to this day --- she still stalks me and my husband. Dead. Serious.

MOH and I have been best friends since high school, but her friendship comes with a few toxic caveats (she's very possessive, not interested in meeting new people, and has a terrible temper). Not that I'm perfect, I can be the flake-of-a-friend who forgets your birthday. We share another mutual best friend who we've also maintained a close relationship with since high school. Both of these girls were in my wedding party.

The trouble started at my bachelorette party (always does, doesn't it?) - somehow through the course of the day it was misconstrued in my MOH's brain that I wasn't giving her enough attention compared to the other girls. She did this weird pouty thing (which is hard to pay attention to at a baseball game), and barely spoke to anyone all night. I noticed her mood but was trying to play host to the rest of my crew - so my ability to decompress her was limited. By the time the evening ended, she had disappeared (supposedly into a cab to head to the hotel) and I was getting frantic phone calls from my husband. She had shown up at my apartment, tired out the doorbell, and spent the rest of the evening crying on my husband. When he finally convinced her to get a cab to the hotel she decided to drive back to the suburbs, to her parents house, drunk. The next day her parents called me and confronted me about "allowing their daughter to drive home intoxicated" citing a lie that MOH told them about how I forced her out of the hotel room. I was so embarrassed.

I talk this out with her and that mutual best friend bmaid and decide to let it go - let's get on with the wedding fun, ya know? Fast-forward to a month later, at the rehearsal dinner, she shows up to the bowling alley 2 hours late and makes this huge scene in front of our families, crying, screaming, and accusing me of wanting our mutual best friend bmaid to be the Maid of Honor and not her. This is all because I gave the ladies the option of staying in the hotel with me the night before the wedding --- MOH opt-ed out, but mutual friend opt-ed in. During this scene, she tells me that she's "not going to show up at the wedding, since I don't want her there anyways" before storming out. I can't even explain how this whole thing felt, I didn't want it to consume my evening (I mean, shit, I love to bowl!) - but I felt so numb and shocked that someone I knew so well could just turn into a complete crazy-pants.

The next day (wedding day), my mom and the gals are all with me getting ready in the hotel room and about an hour before we have to leave MOH shows up. Hair done, dress on, like nothing happened. So no one says anything and we head off to the venue. Wedding was fabulous, food was great, live band was even better. I don't really remember MOH's speech, except that she cried a TON. She also spent the end of the evening in my mom's hotel room, crying on her until 4am.  

Since these events, I've distanced myself from her --- she calls me about 3 times a week and calls my husband about once a week, we do not answer. She shows up at our new apartment, out of nowhere, and we either have to exchange awkward pleasantries for an hour or we pretend like we aren't home. The kicker is, she knows that I'm done with having a friend like her --- about three months after the wedding day I sat her down and we talked about what happened. She blamed me for not paying enough attention to her and not making her feel special as the MOH. I told her that I didn't think we should really continue being friends and she obvs didn't get the message. It felt like breaking up with someone...is that normal?

It's a damn shame when someone looses their marbles like that.

That's my story!
Still Stunned

*****

I'm just glad you had the guts to break up with her. KUDOS, lady.

You should be able to block her number. AT&T will charge you for that privilege (a*holes) -- I don't know about other providers -- but it might be worth it.


Comme des Garçons by Sophie Delaporte for Idoménée Fashion Book Spring/Summer 2013 Idoménée via Abigail Lorick

cunty wedding guests &tc.

Hello dearest ESB,

I wrote earlier about throwing a bachelor party for my own fiance (my bff's boyfriend put together the most epic local beer hopping evening ever, all worked out perfectly). Your call for the cunty MOH and general dramas encouraged me to write you have some of the nitty gritty parts of my wedding. While I'm not looking for advice, I hope it will at least be temporarily satiating.  

First there was Paula. We were on-and-off friends for 15 years, more recently getting along really well and I quite enjoyed our friendship. I invited her to our small (50 person) wedding; immediate family and friends, and while she dropped hints about being a bridesmaid before my husband and I were engaged, I wanted a small bridal party and did not include her as a bridesmaid. I thought since very few of my friends were invited at all, that it would all be alright if she wasn't a bridesmaid, as being at the wedding at all was significant. I guess it didn't matter either way as she missed the ceremony entirely, making a dramatic entrance after we had started the receiving line.

Then there was Natalie, a friend of my sister in law, whom the out-of-country in-laws invited to the wedding because they hadn't seen her in a long time. I fought this for weeks, and then just gave in because I figured I'd at least get a sweet present out of it (so shallow, I know). Well. Natalie (who in all fairness seemed like a lovely girl) brought her boyfriend, and being a small wedding, there wasn't a place set for him. Then I noticed another surprise guest had shown up, my bff's boyfriend Luke whom husband had invited drunkenly during the bachelor party. He had been left off the guest list because bff and Luke had broken up while she was out of the country, and I thought it might be weird for her, but then then got back together, blah blah, so I gave my sister ONE look (she is the best sister/MOH ever) and she said "I'll take care of this". And that's how Natalie and her boyfriend got kicked out of my wedding. Yes, I had to pay for it the next week, but it was worth it to have Luke there. Plus Natalie didn't bring a gift, so I didn't have to write an awkward thank you note either.

So after the ceremony, we had time for guests to play games and get drinks before the reception while the bridal party took pictures. Somewhere along the line, one of the guests got spectacularly inebriated, and proceeded to stumble belligerently through the reception, interrupting speeches and almost face-planted on the flower girl. 

In the meantime, Paula is at her table with mutual friends, when Helen accidentally spills red wine on Paula's shoe. Paula then cries in an outrage, and throws her glass of water on Helen. Helen returns the gesture, and both are drenched in water. Paula then proceeds to tell all three bridesmaids (and some relatives), how shocked she was thatthey were chosen as bridesmaids, and not her. Many of our guests were visiting from Australia, and some of them were left in the company of a now drunk and bitter Paula. For whatever reason, Paula felt it necessary to share her dislike for the Australian people, saying to their faces that she hated Australians. Furthermore, when she had joined said Aussies for a few drinks and snacks post-reception, she left before paying her part of the bill. 

And the icing on the cake? A handful of jaded married men coming up to my dear husband saying that This was the end, it's now time to give up his self-identity, and to put my every whim before his, causing a very tired newly wedded couple to have the most epic of all fights on the wedding night, lamps toppled, crying, and a serious lack of romance.

It seems like it was a total disaster, but 75% of this happened behind the scenes and I didn't know about it until a few days later. There was a bit of drama and ridiculousness, but it was heavily outweighed by the love, joy, and support from the rest of the family. All ended well, and it remains to be a fondly remembered weekend. The only burnt bridge was with Paula, whom I haven't spoken with since the event (over 6 months ago). Oh well... To new beginnings!



Photo by Henrik Bengtsson for Sara Andersson via The Creative Book via NOTCOUTURE

The moral of the story is....always listen to ESB

Dear ESB,

This is not a question, but a word of warning to any bride who doesn't heed your wise words about not inviting people to your wedding who you don't really want to be there. 

During university I had a tight-knit group of great girl friends, and despite the fact we all moved across the world after graduation we have always stayed on each other's radars. There was one girl who was always on the fringes of the group, because, well, she was pretty annoying. Very bright, but really competitive (particularly with me), judgmental, intense and uptight. The kind who always wants to know what your new X cost, or how much you weigh, or how obscure the band you were listening to was, so she can try to one up you. She didn't seem to actually like any of us, yet she was kinda always hanging on to our group, just sulking and judging. After university, she got a boyfriend and moved out of the country and no one in our group really heard from her again. 

Flash forward five years, to this past year, and I'm getting married to my rad partner on the other side of the world. My awesome friends from university are all traveling from different countries for our wedding, and it is the first time since graduation we will all be together again. Despite the fact that I don't really want the girl there, and against ALL YOUR GOOD ADVICE ON THE MATTER (and against the rest of my friends' advice!), I felt bad for not including her and decided to send her an invitation. What's the worst thing that could happen?, I rationalized. She probably won't even come, and, if she does, I'll just have to see her that one night and then probably never hear from her again! Right? 

But come she did, as annoying and judgmental as ever, and fresh from a break up with her boyfriend. And she went straight for my new husband's lovely, shy brother. 

After just one very drunken weekend together, and a lot of long distance phone calls over the last five months, this girl and my brother-in-law just got engaged this week. (They still live on different continents, but as I said, she is intense! And apparently has a very charming phone manner? I don't know, I don't get it.) I'm trying to be happy (?) for them in that abstract way you're supposed to be happy for your family, but, selfishly, I just can't believe that I am now going to be related to the most annoying person I've ever met. 

The moral of the story is: don't invite people you don't want to come to your wedding. Or you might end up related to them. AND ALWAYS LISTEN TO ESB.

Sincerely,
Very Sorry I Didn't Listen

(For the love of god, if you post this please don't put my name since my future fucking sister in law will be wedding planning soon!)

*****

Wow that is not how i expected that story to end


Image: Aimee Song courtesy of The Coveteur via Allie Stefan

Longest email correspondence in the history of ever about Toms and why you have to wear them in my wedding

from:    K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

to:      eastsidebride@gmail.com

date:    Thu, Jul 12, 2012 at 8:45 PM

subject: Fwd: Shoes dress

If you post these, please leave the names out.

Thanks - Oh, and there's a Part 2 to this.

After she insults my choice in this email, she sent another where she contacts Toms customer service to inquire about returning the shoes, before I even see anything.

On Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 5:39 AM, Vxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:

Hi K…. I think the dress is awesome I need to have mine altered I obviously had it measured and fitted for me but I mean you know it is the standard size so I have to have it fitted down to fit perfectly so that it looks awesome or even awesomeror if that even is a word but it is great. I'm however worried I don't think that the shoes do it justice at all in fact even detract from how nice it is...

I took the shoes in with me when I picked up my dress and all the ladies at the bridal shop both young and old said that if you really wanted to wear those shoes with that dress you should really be above the knee at the very least because this shoes are so overpowering. On the bright side they are the right color navy which is very hard to do. But for a dress so beautiful they showed me a zillion options not because they were trying to sell them just because its better to have a very low Garden heel that is very thick and easy to walk on that looks very much like a sandal or even no heel at all and just go with the sandal that's elegant or whatever and just use those at the end of the night, they suggested.

Hope this makes sense I used dragon dictation during my commute!

On Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 10:12 AM, Kxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:

Hey Vixx -

I'm happy that you like the dress! I have to ask, does it fall below the knee? Because I thought that it was supposed to be knee length. The look I was going for with the bridesmaids is similar to the attached pictures, most of which have knee length dresses with the Toms shoes. Could you send me a picture of you in the dress with the shoes so that I can get a better idea of the look. It might help me understand where the concerns and to decide if changing all of the shoes is the better option. Understand that the shoes may not be able to be returned and the money we spent on them as a gift and for achieving the look is something I was hoping wouldn't be an issue.

Please send a picture so that I can get a better idea of what's going on (it is hard to plan these things with everyone so far away). Also, I've attached some pictures to help you see the unconventional/quirky cute that reflects who I am. Hopefully it gives you a comparison for dress length? I was hoping for at the knee to just above the knee but I really don't know what the dress looks like in chiffon so that might change things. 

Also, as I said before, you're welcome to dress up the canvas shoes however you would like in order to make it your own... (there's a picture for that as well)

Love ya!

Kxxxxx

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Date: Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 12:59 PM

Subject: Re: Shoes dress

To: K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It hits right at where the picture shows it hits: http://www.bestbridalprices.com/jasmine-b2-maternity-bridesmaid-dresses-style-b3085-p-81774.html?cPath=1131&designers=80

So, if you wanted it above knee, it'll definitely have to be hemmed...be a good 4 inches at least....chiffon will cost more to hem & there is an underskirt that is like a ruffled/poofy underlayer to give it a tiny big of volume (undetectable, it's just so that the chiffon doesn't do a cling-wrap thing to you, but if you hem it up too far that stuff might actually fling out and around like an 80s madonna like a virgin style...

I understand about not wanting to sacrifice the shoes, they aren't cheap, they were a gift to everyone, I LOVE tom's mission & what the company does and I am definitely going to wear them A LOT! at the same time...i can't force a fake "ya, um, they look okay" just to make them fit the bill for your wedding.  you want everything in your wedding to look be and feel spectacular and years from now when you look at pictures of all of us you might wonder who picked out the bridesmaid's boat shoes for the middle of the summer with that kind of dress... not trying to be mean, just trying to be ridiculously honest - something I just do...because that's no only what you might think years from now when you look at photos, that's what all the guests are actually going to be thinking and we're all gonna say "kxxx made us wear these" lol!

But, going back to the shoes.... we can definitely dress them up- to match the dress, the wedding, each other, etc...i have LIMITLESS ideas when it comes to this stuff... i'm a craft magician...and I don't mean, let's giltter glue them....i can make shoes that princess kate would mistake for a royal hat for her head! kentucky derby shoes? ever hear of them? well, i might just invent them... it would be amazing to put a white/cream color rosette on each shoe (not too big) and then have a feather or two in an arrangement wrapping out from and around to frame the shoe, maybe with a few other exquisite details, subtle, but exquisite.  In a way, it wuold be a metaphor for rags to riches and they'd also be going from (in a sense) something old to something new and of course, they are already blue... if you have while ones, we could decorate the same style-ish (or a mirror/suggestive) with a blue flower/feathers - essence of peacock?  that'd be awesome under your long dress...the devil is in the details...

I think the biggest problem with the shoe style itself is not that they are canvas flats, it's that they are like a FULL coverage boat shoe canvas flat.  I went to the website and saw the ballet flats style ones...you maybe could pass better with those - is it possible to do an exchange?  If it's too much of a hassle, then forget about it.  I also think it may have been better to not try to match the dress with a shoe like that and instead either go for something seriously neutral so that it's not overpowering (so you have to back that dress up), OR, go with something quirky and totally different altogether that simply says, yes! I DID pick out these fun, nontraditional shoes and they are SO different I want to showcase them, see how you can't help but look back and forth at my dress because you don't know *which* one is cooler????  Instead, the full coverage navy canvas shoe with the just below the knee dress kind of promotes a blind spot and not only do they not do the dress justice, they kind of overpower it.  

I hate to tell you all this stuff because you have so much to plan & so much stuff going on & I'm hoping everything is going easily otherwise!! I just think when you put these altogether, you might regret it later on if not right away.  I'll try to get xxx to get a picture of me in the dress with the shoes, but he keeps laughing at me and so do the kids (they call them granny shoes) and it's embarrassing and I KNOW you put everything on facebook (which i don't even have btw!!).   

In shrubbery: 

1.) the dress is SPECTACULAR as is- I definitely dont think we should hem it on account of those shoes - or ANY shoes!! the length is perfect! it's perfect! i was skeptical, but not i'm completely thrilled with it!!!

2.) the shoes are the frog to the princess dress.  i love the shoes on their own and will wear them all the time for other reasons if we dont nd up using them for this wedding.  if it's possible to exchange them without too much hassle, we should look into that versus having to hem the dress.  the chiffon and the underliner of the dress may prove more of a hassle to hem then exchanging tom's shoes.  nevertheless, if you still want to use those shoes, you MUST BELIEVE and TRUST FULLY, that I can come up with a MASTERPIECE for all of our shoes that might very likely make it into an art museum.  If you're willing to go that route, I'd be willing to help out with all the girls' shoes so that the design is consistent.  I know you haven't seen the sewing/craft/home decor/costume work that i've done for my paying clients, but I can assure you that you will be blown away!!!

*****

from:     K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

to:       eastsidebride@gmail.com

date:     Thu, Jul 12, 2012 at 8:49 PM

subject:  Shoes and Dress Part 2

Here is the Part 2: where she sends the conversation between her and the Toms representative.

Again, no names when posting please! Thanks!

But yeah, I need to vent - I'm angry that 1) she's being stubborn and won't send a photo and 2) she flat out insults my choice in an attempt to bully me into what she wants.

By the way, this is my sister.

On Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 1:51 PM, Vxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx   wrote:

Hi Kxxxxx- I just went on the Tom's website & chatted live w/ a customer service rep regarding returns/exchanges JUST SO THAT YOU KNOW IT'S A POSSIBLILITY THAT I AM WILLING TO COORDINATE FOR YOU - please don't feel pressured- I'm just trying to help & letting you know I'm willing to coordingate this if this is what the girls want to do... just in case all the girls want to do this.. Please don't feel pressured - I'm only trying to help so I'm pasting the chat conversation below so you can see exactly what the option for exchange/return is as a viable route:

[Sparing you an excruciatingly boring chat with the TOMS Customer Happiness Team.]

On Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 4:04 PM, K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:

The other two girls love their shoes. and I love mine and Dxxxxx loves them on me with my dress. I know you don't like them, but if you're not even giving my style a chance and I hate to say it, but it's my wedding and my vision and I'm getting insulted by these emails.

Give me a chance to think about things because it was one of the things I really wanted for my wedding - a decision I made months ago (actually I was originally going to wear my Chuck Taylors but opted for the ivory Toms). They are not your style, I understand - but they are MY style. Please stop trying to force me into this decision because it's not your taste.

And please send a picture so that I can see and decide for myself. Thanks.

On Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 4:02 PM, Vxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  wrote:

of course they look good with the wedding dress, tons of brides wear with long dresses with comfortable shoes because with a long dress you don't see the shoes anyway. lol.  

i'm glad the other girls like their shoes with their dresses when they tried them on.  it's funny mine took soo long to arrive at the bridal shop though- they seem to have gotten their dresses pretty quickly as I thought i was the first to order the dress - remember when we thought the navy color was different & you had to let the others know? oh well. 

in any case, you asked me for my opinion about the shoes, about the dress, and about the shoes AND the dress and i took the time to give you an honest answer. 

i'm sorry you feel insulted by my honest response and additionally by my suggestions for possible back-up plans in case the other girls had any of the same feelings as i thought an honest explanation, followed an offer to help in contingency options if needed was far better than simply stating "the shoes on their own are great, but put it with the dress and you get that 'just got out of the locker room at penn state; navy towel wrapped around & blue cozy slippers' look; you just need a navy turbie twist for the hair!".   i certainly was not just going lie and say something like; "oh ya, i just love them, they're wicked cute...they're gonna be so comfortable...and they look so good".  Sorry, but that would be a blatant lie and I just can't say that.  I expect that when i ask someone for an honest opinion in my life that i think i can trust they could give me an honest answer - that's why I ask for their opinion in the first place.

OF COURSE it's your wedding Kxxx and it is and has been your vision. please don't get/stay defensive and emotional or misinterpret my feedback:  i'm not trying to force you to do anything- you merely asked my opinion, and i gave you my truthful answer along with further explanation, in earnest.  if you don't like my opinion, simply don't ask me for my opinion. 

it's your wedding, you should have what you want, your style, your vision, the other girls should also have what they want and love.  i'm totally happy for you and with all that and as long as you are happy that's all that matters.. if you really already know everything you want for your wedding and planned these shoes as your "vision" long ago, then why even ask??   it seems your decision has been made and you don't need a picture from me that would help you decide anyway.  in any case, since the other girls already love their shoes with their dress and are also convinced they are great, i'm sure they'll have much more fun sending pictures back & forth with you as I have very limited time and I dont even have a facebook account... you can all decide among yourselves - i'll do whatever you want - it's your wedding.  but, please don't ask me for my opinions anymore: just keep me in the loop. thanks!

On Jul 10, 2012, at 7:59 PM, Kxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:

V  -

It's not that I was insulted because of the options you gave - It seemed parts of your email contained failed contempt where you called them "granny" and "boat" shoes. I was also insulted when you told me you couldn't send a picture because xxx and the boys were laughing at you, making fun of you due to the combination of shoes/dress that I chose. I know they are not your style, and you can give me your opinion - but there is a better way to do so than through insults.

I definitely did not appreciate that you contacted Toms about their return/exchange policy before I could even make a decision. I have to look at the wedding from a whole perspective and one pair of shoes that might not be your favorite may fit into the theme. The girls love the shoes; however, they do not have their dresses yet to try them on so I (and they) are curious as to how they look. It would help me decide whether or not to change the shoe color/fabric etc. if I could see what it looks like.

I can tell by your emails that you do not like the combination, but I don't know whether or I not I like it without seeing it. You could have been more tactful in how you approached telling me your opinion, you were very hurtful and it upset me quite a bit.

I am asking that you send a picture so that I can make a decision and so that we are not making last minute changes. I've been planning this wedding with people long distance for months. You have no idea how difficult it is to coordinate long distance with no one locally to help. Since you are the only person who has seen the combination, getting back feedback that basically says "you did a shitty job and you suck at planning your own wedding and your taste level is sub-par" is extremely hurtful and in no way helps me continue to plan this wedding or make a final decision on this matter.

If I had a picture, I might completely agree with you - I am counting on my bridesmaids to help me out with this; but I cannot not blindly have decisions made long-distance. It's been stressful enough getting all the information out. If you are unwilling to send a picture than I am at a loss and might have to go with the original shoe especially if the other girls don't receive their dresses until much later. At which point, I won't be able to change anything. So it's not just keeping you in the loop - I need your help and snide opinions aside, it would be helpful if I could see what it looks like.

If you could please send a picture, I would appreciate it. It would be keeping me "in the loop". Thanks!

Kxxxx

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: Vxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Date: Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 8:14 PM

Subject: Re: Tom's Shoes Online chat re: returns/exchanges - option for ya! :)

To: Kxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kxxxxx, my opinion on what the shoes look like with the dress have no bearing on how you are planning your wedding overall.  I think you are overreacting quite hastily and rudely to my feedback and taking it way too personally and in turn taking it way out of context and beginning to implicate every other aspect of your wedding planning. Im not lying when the boys said "boat" and "granny" to describe the shoes and I won't apologize for their comments either nor my honest opinion about the shoes with the dress as they nor I were not trying to make insults either, merely observations of what the shoes looked like to them because we are ALL entitled to our own opinions.  I get it Kxxxxx- it's your style, not mine, not th bridal shops, not the boys, nor xxxs, nobodys, its yours- u are unique- that's perfectly fine!!! Again though, If you don't want to hear my opinion then don't ask for it and if you ask me for my opinion and you don't agree with it don't FLIP out against me and every aspect of your wedding planning and style and who knows what's next...

Im not sorry for my own opinions, that would be dishonest, but I am sorry that all of my communication you feel you need to perceive as insult and it is really unhealthy.  I'm quite shocked that you are upset that I contacted Tom's:it was only a preliminary inquiry to find out how difficult any kind of an exchange *might* be *if* we needed to go down that route after you expressed it would be a hassle for u at this point my only intent was to try to take some load off your shoulders: I did not give them your name nor any other details that would have related Kxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx's order to the purchases made at Tom's therefore it still stands as a simple general inquiry to their general process.  I still see no harm in that- again, u need to understand that I made no decision for you, only provided you with additional information to HELP you make YOUR OWN choice.  If you want to choose to be upset about that, then you are overreacting and turning this entire situation into something it certainly isn't just because you're mad that I don't like the shoes. So what. Get over it- I'm the one that has to wear them not you.

*****

APPAREL FOR YOUR WEDDING DOES NOT COUNT AS A BRIDESMAIDS GIFT. 

Also: Toms suck.

Do you even read this blog??

Duty-free vodka disaster

My cousin was having a destination wedding and wasn't able to pack her dress in her suitcases so my other cousin said he'd take a spare suitcase for her. While waiting in the airport he stopped a duty free, bought himself a bottle of vodka, and took it on the plane with him a long with the dress. Before getting on the plane the flight attendants told him he'd have to put the vodka in the carry-on (he had one personal bag (his laptop/briefcase), one bag the vodka was in, and the wedding dress carry-on). He stowed the carry-on in the overhead compartment and over the 13 hour flight, and day of traveling he spent getting to the wedding destination the seal on the vodka bottle had broken and it began to leak all over the dress. 

The dress looked COMPLETELY ruined, as if it had been in a fight and was bruised all over. I have no idea how vodka could do that to a dress, but it was all kinds of blue, purple, red and pink. It was awful. While everyone was freaking out he took it to a dry cleaner (I didn't even know he knew what a dry cleaner was to be honest) and it all came out. WHO THE FUCK KNOWS HOW, but you can dry clean vodka out of Spanish lace and silk.

And then the bride peed in a….

I got married in Texas in July, so I was drinking a lot of water all day to stay cool, especially once the dancing portion of the evening began. Because my dress was long and fitted, I decided to bring a short dress along with me so that I could change into it if I started getting too hot or uncomfortable. Several songs in, I was ready to switch dresses, so my sister and I went to the bridal dressing room that is attached to the venue to change. 

After several minutes of unbuttoning to get my wedding dress off, I realized that I had to pee--badly. It was probably the strongest, most sudden urge I've ever experienced. I started throwing on shorts and a shirt as quickly as possible and bolted for the doors that lead out to the bathroom. But when I grabbed them, I realized that they were locked. Unfortunately, the only other way out was through the venue. I wasn't about to sprint past all my guests barefoot, wearing cutoff shorts and a t-shirt, but I also knew that I couldn't hold it long enough to change into my dress. 

I was beyond panicked, hopping around the room and trying to keep my bladder in check. At that point, I spotted a cooler and, shamefully, knew what I had to do. I told my sister to look away and hold the doors (to make sure nobody came in the room) and, well, you can fill in the rest. I cleaned myself up with some wet wipes, changed into my new dress, and strutted back onto the dance floor as if nothing had happened. But there was still the matter of the cooler.

I told my husband that I had an important task for him and filled him in on the details. He went into the room, used his tuxedo jacket to hide the cooler, then dumped it out and cleaned it. When he came back onto the dance floor, all he told me was, "It is done." Obviously, I picked the right guy.

Who's the floozy?

Hi ESB,

Now, I consider this to be a wedding horror-lite type of wedding horror. I didn't cry, much, but it is on my mind enough to appear in my brain when I think of wedding horrors. I even feel a little silly (okay, a mother fucking crap ton of stupid) submitting, but why not share?

Back story. My now-brother-in-law started dating a girl about a year ago. She shares my first name and I hate that fact. Yes, I am immature, but she's kind of like me in some ways except 1,000 years younger and thinner and cuter. This bugs me to no end, but I keep it inside hoping that she is just a nice girl and I'm the crank. Until my wedding. 

She shows up in this teeny-tiny tube dress CUT UP TO THERE, with black spike heels. It was also white. With a pattern, but white. She proceeds to grind on the dance floor with BIL in front of our families. This wasn't even much of dance party wedding. At times, they were the only two out there. If I'd been wearing pearls, I would have clutched them so hard they would turn to dust. My own mother asked me, "Who's the floozy?" Also, after the wedding at our favorite bar, my new husband's friends proceeded to make raunchy comments about her. This is not the way I planned to spend my wedding day--explaining away the antics of some hot young thing with either 1.) no sense to dress herself appropriately or 2.) something to prove.

-Girl Ranting Against Nasty Naughty Youth (because who doesn't love a good acronym?)

The groom invited his second wife

My friend was marrying her longtime boyfriend, the third marriage for the groom. He invited his second wife as they were on good terms and she could wrangle their young son who was in the wedding party. Before my friend walked down the aisle, the ex-wife drunkenly announced it was a good thing the bride was keeping her name cause there have been A LOT of Mrs. Hislastnames!

During the cocktail hour, my husband tucked a few singles into my palm before heading to the restroom. (To tip the bartender because he knows I never think to bring cash anywhere.) I gave him an appreciative kiss. The ex-wife appeared out of nowhere to damply whisper in my husband's ear, "Did you just pay her a dollar to kiss you? See what I'll do for you for TEN dollars."

It's worth noting that neither I nor my husband had ever met or been introduced to this woman.


What if I just sprinkled wedding horror stories throughout the blog all the time? Good idea or TERRIBLE IDEA?

And then the bride peed all over herself

Hi ESB

I've been loving cringing at the recent wedding horror stories, semi-smugly thinking I had nothing to contribute since our wedding day was awesome. Not sure if it's too late, but just remembered a little incident from our wedding I had pretty much forgotten/blocked out. I was having so much fun on the night it didn't even really upset me at the time, but on an intellectual level, I still think, wtf?

Our reception was held in a marquee in the gardens of a small property, right next to a converted grain silo that served as our wedding night digs. The silo also had a bathroom that only my husband and I were using. At one point during the night, I was busting to go to the loo, but one of my husband's friends held me up at the door to the silo. He alluded to the fact that two other friends were inside, and that I couldn't go in yet. Assuming they were up to some harmless mischief decorating our bed for the wedding night, I stayed outside til the other two busted out and they all ran away.

About two seconds into doing my business, I realised what they had actually been doing inside was putting plastic wrap over the toilet bowl. I was slightly drunk, holding up a big bunch of tulle, and pissing on my legs/the floor/everywhere. Miraculously, nothing actually got on my shoes or on my tea-length dress, which I'd been holding out in front. So I kinda just had to wipe myself off, get back to the party, and pretend nothing happened.

To this day I am still perplexed as to why someone would play this kind of prank on a bride, and why they would find it funny? These guys are all around 30, most married or with long-term partners, and usually some of the most sensible and responsible people I know. Seriously, what the

I consider my engagement and wedding to be the worst year of my life.

Dear ESB,

I imagine you have an overabundant supply of horror stories, but I thought I would contribute - for catharsis, if nothing else. I realize it might be way too long. If you decide to publish it, please keep it anonymous. 

I consider my engagement and wedding to be the worst year of my life. It was cosmically bad.

Starting with my engagement, my husband proposed during one of the worst, most chaotic times of my life. I was finishing up a bunch of requirements for my degree (which mean lots of exams) and planning to present a paper at a conference in Europe for the first time. Stress compounded by more stress. I was working constantly and getting sick from the amount of stress, plus we were in a long distance relationship. He proposes because he is sweet and loves me. I am shocked and too stressed out to respond with the proper amount of happiness and excitement, even though I knew I wanted to marry him. I don't have time or energy to call people and tell them the news, so our engagement begins not with a bang but a whimper. I call my bf and have her tell my friends. Pathetic, but not for someone running on four hours of sleep each night. We are in a long-distance, cross-country relationship so we have to spend the first few months of our engagement 1000 miles apart - which is not fun - until I can move to where he is, my hometown. It's hard to be excited or even to feign excitement when a colleague notices the ring on my finger. 

Then it gets really bad. Everyone expects me to start planning the wedding - my FH, my family, his family, my friends, are all asking questions. My FH and I are paying for the wedding with some help and have a budget under $10,000 (maxing out my possible student loans) but a guest list of 150 - which is doable if you plan it well and do everything yourself. There is not the possibility of hiring a wedding planner. My husband is a sweet-heart, but not up to the challenge of planning, booking, and organizing a large event. My mom is controlling and we have the opposite taste in everything, so she cannot be trusted with decisions. She also makes everything more difficult that it has to be - she could discuss table settings for weeks, when I need to make fast decisions without a lot of effort. She insists on stupid traditions, like having the table linens be the same shade as my dress - when we can't even afford table linens. (Do people actually do that shit?) I'm living 1000 miles from all my friends that could help and they are also pursuing degrees that make them equally busy. Despite these facts, everyone is asking me questions about the date, the venue, the decor, my colors, the bridesmaid dresses, themes, and other crap that I could not care less about because I am focusing on my education and career. When I respond with frustration, it is awkward. I'm engaged - shouldn't I be happily planning and chatting about how great the wedding flowers and my hair will be? My mom is furious at me that I'm not "including" her, even though I am not planning the wedding until I finish my degree requirements. My FH is texting me questions that I don't want to respond to, which creates friction and makes me look like a bitch… I tell everyone that no one is allowed to talk to me about the wedding until I am ready to plan it. I'm the worst bride-to-be ever. 

Then I complete my work and move back to be with my FH and my family. I move from the South where it is 90 degrees and humid to the North where it is 40 degrees and rainy, after completing three exams and pushing myself to finish a major project. I am so stressed out, which combined with the major climate change makes me very, very sick. Sicker than I have ever been. I have to go to the doctor multiple times a week for a month. I have a weakened immune system that will not revive itself. I essentially become sick in every way possible. My skin breaks out in rashes, I have multiple infections, I cannot stay awake, and I cannot digest anything. I feel so sick, I want to die. This goes on for months as I try to plan a DIY wedding on a budget in a tiny studio apartment. I try to have my mom help, but she questions my every decision and makes me feel bad that I cannot afford nice linens or big floral centerpieces or to have our entire huge-ass extended family attend the wedding. I have to cut her out so I don't lose my mind. None of my friends live in my hometown, so I can't have them help. I give my husband tasks that he can complete, but he isn't going to be able to do the invitation calligraphy or make centerpieces, so I do it alone while I'm sick and barely able to stay awake for ten hours at a time. Everyone wants to talk about weddings with me, unaware of how much I have begun to loathe weddings. Oh, and I somehow managed to sew over my finger with a sewing machine the week before the wedding when I was trying to sew table squares while dictating a letter to my MOH. Yes, my finger was completely impaled by a sewing needle and it was gross. I had to use the hand wheel to pull the needle out of my own finger. Luckily my MOH was a med student and not phased at all. 

Oh yeah, and the week before the wedding, my husband and I had to pack up all our belongings to prepare for a cross-country move for my work - so we had the stress of the wedding and moving at once. We were both cranky and over-worked leading up to the wedding. 

The wedding finally arrives and I am healthy! I have been practicing yoga and following a strict gluten-free, sugar-free diet to regain my health. The wedding is a disaster. First of all, I either did everything myself or hired someone who was clueless (which happens when you try to go cheap). Every time I tried to delegate work, it ended up being MORE work because the person would check back with me 5+ times even though I insisted that I did not care and that I trusted his or her best judgment. Or the person ended up complaining about the work, even though it was miniscule compared to what I was doing. (Who are these DIY brides who have friends and family that are willing to help without complaining!?) My mom continued to vocally protest every decision that I made EVEN on the wedding day. I had made detailed instructions for the bridal party and photographers, but no one payed attention and would either disappear or ask me what they were supposed to be doing. A week before I had emailed the photographer a list of shots that I had put together and coordinated with what shots family members wanted. The photographer did not have the list at the actual wedding and expected me to remember them all. My face was twitching during the photos because I felt so overwhelmed by trying to organize the chaos of my own wedding. One of my friends stepped in and helped manage everyone, so I could survive the ceremony. And of course my mom said something very rude to that friend, which made me cringe all over. She not only insulted me, but had to insult the person who was trying to help the most. Perfect. 

I was excited for the reception, which was at a different location (we did a church wedding). Everyone at the reception hall had detailed instructions and I met with the staff multiple times before the wedding. They seemed very capable. I was confident that everything would be beautiful and go smoothly. It did not. A lot of the decor was not set up - which is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but matters on a personal level if you made it by hand and had to forgo other things to spend money on it. The centerpieces looked awful - really awful! - because they had been half set up and so they looked pitifully small and weird. The staff had also sprinkled silica gel on tables because they didn't realize the little packets marked "toxic" were to make sure the dried flowers stayed dry. Silica gel is dangerous if consumed and is most definitely not glitter. We ran out of wine early at the reception, because we anticipated that more people would drink beer since it was summer, but that was not the case. An uncle also berated me about our wine selection,  which was disappointing since we had invested a lot of time in picking out the wine and money in having an open bar. Also, I had designated a friend to be in charge at the reception so no one would bother me, but the staff still came to me with every question. Everyone that I had hired for the wedding seemed capable before the event, and helplessly confused during it. I still have no idea how this happened. Luckily I got two glasses of wine before we ran out! 

I thought things would improve when the dancing started, but no. We had chosen to set up an iPod instead of getting a D.J. to save money. I've been to receptions that use an iPod instead of a DJ, and they have been awesome rock-your-socks-off dance fests. For some reason, it did not work for us. The music and chemistry of the crowd did not jive. People were not happy with the music we chose and kept making requests, which meant everyone was nagging my husband and me to change the music to a different song while we were trying to enjoy our reception. The venue was not conducive towards dancing either. It was not dim enough for our friends to feel comfortable dancing in view of my Quaker-like relatives that looked on with cold stares - and I had placed my these austere relatives right next to the dance floor, which was a horrible decision. Eventually the dance floor got going, but then the reception had to end. Leaving the reception with my husband was our favorite part! 

On top of having a somewhat disappointing wedding, my mom continues to criticize my wedding and all the decisions I made, and it happened over a year ago! Every time she attends a wedding she has to tell me how they did things better. This annoys my husband too. We're thinking of having a "no one is allowed to talk about our wedding ever again" rule. I limited contact with my mother because I was hurt by so many things she had said during the engagement and wedding, as well as afterwards. I needed time to recover.  

Even if circumstances had been friendlier or at least less unfortunate, my husband and I were somewhat doomed from the start. I have never enjoyed dressing up or being the center-of-attention. I also despise being treated like a princess  -- which is the default way to treat a bride, at least in my experience. My husband hates planning and is also an introvert, so he found the wedding stressful even though he was excited to get married. We did not really look forward to or enjoy our wedding that much, which is sad. Part of me wants to say that we should have eloped or "Damn familial obligations and social expectations!" But I can't quite say that. There was something really amazing about seeing how excited people were for us at our wedding. There was genuine, contagious joy, even in the chaos. So I'm happy that we included our family and friends in our wedding, even with all the stress. And now I have 1000 pictures of myself in case I want to become obsessed with my appearance!

Long story short, my Dad has a drug problem

And I was anxious about looking like a fish. Pshhh, bride problems.

My Mom reads wedding blogs, so I am too much of a wuss to relate the details.

Long story short, my Dad has a drug problem. He kept his shit together most of my life, so his current drugged out wackiness still manages to surprise me. His behavior on the day before the wedding, during the ceremony, and at the reception was so outside of normal adult behavior (even intoxicated wedding guest behavior) that my Uncle called me after the wedding to see if my brother and I wanted to arrange an intervention. I cried in private several times on the day of the wedding, but had tried not to not dwell on my Dad. The day after the wedding I asked my brother if he thought anyone else had noticed my Dad's antics, or if I was just tuned into his behavior because it was my wedding. His response was that you would have to had been unconscious the entire time NOT to have noticed. I cannot even count the number of people who have asked me since, "So, what's the deal with your Dad?" My wife and I were really concerned about her conservative Christian family doing or saying something hurtful; we were totally worried about the wrong family member.

4 Big-Boobed Bridesmaids + 1 A*hole Bride

Bride had maids that ranged in size from 14 to 26, all with big 'ol boobs. Despite this, she had us mail order dresses that no one could try on ahead of time and couldn't be worn with bras (any, not even strapless). The dress arrived, I tried it on and dutifully sent her a picture of me in it, even though it wasn't a pretty site. So we're at the destination wedding and us maids all suit up and everyone looks absolutely embarrassing. The dresses tugged and pulled and created rolls where there usually were none, plus one riiiiiiiped open all the way down the back moments before the ceremony. Due to boning and fabric with zero give, the dresses were physically painful to wear and we looked terrible to the point of us all being panicked about ruining her pictures.

Bride heads off to a 3 week honeymoon planning to return a few days before her large local reception.  Us maids all got together to pen an email where we profusely apologized for looking so terrible in the dresses, apologized for putting her in this position, and expressed our concern that we ruined her wedding pictures. We offered to all buy new dresses within her wedding colors, would pay for them without complaint, and assured they'd all match her vision. Bride responded that we were immensely selfish for interrupting her honeymoon, that we all should have lost weight prior to her wedding (ya know, because she got a boob job and tummy tuck. seriously) and that she "told everyone about the dresses" and would be so embarrassed if we showed up wearing something different.

In the years since, the Bride talks to zero of her four bridesmaids. I think the wedding was the turning point where we all realized how she treated people.

Be careful when you hire friends

Planning the wedding was incredibly stressful. My husband and I both come from conservative families, and no one could seem to wrap their minds around a casual wedding in a park where I didn't care about things like bridesmaids or carrying a bouquet. I can't tell you how much my mother and I argued, or how hotly she criticized all my choices. My father regressed into a middle school child and gave me the silent treatment for five months.

So it was no surprise that when my father's best friend offered to play the violin at our wedding, he had no idea what kind of wedding I was having, and my parents couldn't help him. I tried my best to explain it to him, but he didn't get it, either. We eventually agreed that he would play the wedding march. He couldn't make it to the rehearsal, but he was a professional and it would be easy for him to figure out when to start playing, right?

The day of the wedding, the pastor asked the guests to turn their cameras off; a friend of ours would take pictures and we would be happy to share them. My father walked me to the beginning of the aisle. The guests stood up. We waited for the music to start. Nothing happened. I craned my neck to see what was the matter. Instead of holding his violin, my father's friend was TAKING PICTURES. I didn't know what to do. Everyone was staring at me. The pastor clearly had no idea what to do, either. We all stood there like a frozen tableau for a solid minute, until the violinist decided he had enough pictures and started to play. The rest of the wedding went off without a hitch.

Afterwards, my father, mother, and my father's best friend all told me they thought the wedding was going to be a disaster, but they were so surprised when it wasn't!

Also, we have almost no photographs of the reception because our photographer decided he would rather talk to mutual friends than, say, photograph guests. Be careful when you hire friends!

My wedding day was kind of miserable

I don't know, ESB, this one might be too depressing for wedding horror story week.

My wedding day was kind of miserable. It is an experience that I would prefer to forget. The good news is I love my husband and I love being married. So perhaps the end justifies (or at least makes more bearable) the means?

My mother was an emotional wreck the whole day of my wedding. It started when I was taking pictures with the bridesmaids and groomsmen before the ceremony. I had to ask her to move to a different spot because she was in the picture. She ran to the bathroom crying. About 15 minutes before I walked down the aisle, my step-father cornered one of my bridesmaids and asked her to tell me that my mother was upset and that I should console her. My whole family is very passive-aggressive and avoids confrontation. Luckily my bridesmaid refused point blank to do this. She had my back.

As we were lining up to walk down the aisle, my mother was visibly upset so I pulled her aside and asked what was wrong. She started crying and told me "You haven't taken one picture with me yet, not one!" (insert foot stomping here). I told her that we were doing family pictures after the ceremony because we ran out of time before. This wasn't very consoling to her. I didn't know what else to do so I gave her a hug and said "I love you mom, I don't want you to be sad. I promise we will take a lot of pictures after the ceremony." She was still not pleased. I learned much later that she spent the whole ceremony with a stony, sour expression on her face. I'm so thankful that I couldn't see her while the ceremony was taking place.

After the ceremony, while we were taking family pictures, my mother was MIA. She was found crying in the bathroom again. Her behavior took me completely by surprise and I spent a good portion of the wedding worrying about her and trying to get her to have some fun. My attempts were futile. I was so anxious I barely had a drop of alcohol. In the meantime, my husband proceeded to get drunk. He wasn't the only one; by the end of the wedding his friends were completely sloshed, which I think was a bit of a shock to my very conservative Christian family. The minute the reception was over my mother went to the car without saying goodbye and insisted on leaving immediately, even though there were a few things I needed her help with. After everything was sorted and we were ready to go, I had a hell of a time getting my husband into the car. Once we got home, he passed out on the floor, halfway under the bed as he tried to get our cat to come out and play. I deiced to leave him there and go out for drinks with my bridesmaids. I needed it.

On the bright side, my bridesmaids were the best. They were extremely supportive the whole time and helped me have some fun amidst all the crazy. They made the ordeal survivable. And the pictures from the event are incredible, so there is that. I can console myself with the fact that at least my wedding LOOKED like it was perfect.

If I had it to do over again, I would elope. Probably in an exotic location. I would bring only my bridesmaids and my photographer with me. And I would match my husband drink-for-drink so that at the end of the night, he would have to carry me home.

twins.

my mother-in-law bought a dress almost identical to my wedding dress.

she was searching for a dress for months and continuously lamenting about how MY mother purchased the ONE color she intended to wear. this, despite having told me to let my mother pick first and then tell her so she would wear a different color. after months and months of, quote, ONLY finding dresses she liked in either blue or white (red flag #1) she purchased a pale (very pale pink and grey) floral, floor length gown. the only problem being, it was strapless, trumpet shaped, floor length and made of delicate, individual silk ribbons. it was literally, identical to my wedding dress in almost every way except for the color (my dress which she had seen and said she cried because of how beautiful it would look on me).

i freaked out and had to actually tell her i thought they might photograph too similarly and would make for odd photos. she returned it, but then continued to talk about how THEY WEREN'T THAT SIMILAR to anyone who would listen AT the actual wedding festivities.

What Not to Say to a Bride Right Before She Walks Down the Aisle

A friend of mine found out she was pregnant a few months after she got engaged. Both she and her fiance grew up in pretty conservative Christian families (in fact, her fiance was in school to become a pastor at the time), so announcing this news to their families was not easy. But they decided that they couldn't keep it a secret -- the wedding was not supposed to happen for a whole year. Thankfully, the families seemed to take it pretty well. It was decided that the wedding date should be moved up so that the bride's belly wouldn't be noticeable in her wedding dress. 

Everything was going along smoothly on the big day, until just moments before the bride was about to walk down the aisle. An extended family member approached her from out of nowhere and whispered to her that she should be ashamed and should not be wearing a white dress. The bride burst into tears and ran into the bathroom, leaving the groom waiting up at the altar. Her father told the offending guest to leave immediately. We consoled the bride. She made it down the aisle. They now have a gorgeous daughter who is the light and joy of their lives.

Sober-Crazy MIL

This is from my brother's wedding. Fortunately planning mine has mostly been smooth sailing.

I somehow became my brother's MIL's best friend during his wedding, probably because I work around obnoxious drunk people all day (bartender) so sober-crazy doesn't faze me. I first met her at the "bridesmaid's luncheon" the day before the wedding when she spent the time before her daughter, the bride, showed up going on and on about how irresponsible and immature her daughter was, and how "she thinks she knows what she's doing but she clearly doesn't!" This was in regard to the bride not including some "key shots" in her list for the photographer, and how she was going to regret not having those shots "for the rest of her life." After my future sister-in-law got there, they got into a yelling match over whether the flower girl's flowers were peach or ivory, and the fact that SIL "didn't care one way or the other" was yet another sign of her immaturity. 

That night was the rehearsal. I helped unload the car and ended up carrying a shadow box display case. "What's this for?" I asked MIL once we were inside. "Well," she replied, "it's for the ring bearer's pillow topper in case he proves he can't handle the responsibility. We'll display it by the guest book for everyone to see."

For you see, she had spent 1300 (?? her estimate) hours making this thing (imagine a doily that is supposed to lay on top of the ring pillow), and it was just "too precious" to trust to the ring bearer if he demonstrated a lack of care for it. To see if he was up for the task, she made a "practice pillow" out of some old dish rags for the rehearsal.

The ring bearer, our adorable 3-year old nephew (who gifted us with the tearful outcry upon learning his title, "...bear?...I'm not a bear! I'm Damian!!") was, you know, 3 years old, and probably not up to the great responsibility of a pillow doily. He was given the practice pillow with five minutes of stern instruction from MIL, followed by a prayer from MIL that the Holy Spirit guide him in this task. I'm not kidding.

Rehearsal began, Damian did a surprisingly dignified strut down the aisle to his father (our brother/best man), where he dutifully stood for about 30 seconds. MIL was looking pleased as punch, and then the color drained from her face as Damian then shouted "THIS IS BORING!", sprinted back up the aisle, and threw his pillow into his mom's face as hard as he could.

MIL burst into tears and ran out of the sanctuary. 

Various other drama aside (including MIL deciding the pillow topper didn't get enough viewing by the guest book and positioned the shadow box next to the cake at the reception), she then decided it was appropriate to spend half an hour telling me about how unsuitable she found my brother and how it was going to take 20 years of a happy marriage for her to believe this was a good decision.

I lost my wedding ring ON my wedding day

We ran off and eloped, and it was beautiful and lovely and perfect. Almost.

Because our whole engagement was five days (after 8 years, so not totally rushed...), and I sorted out the paperwork, dress alteration and ring in lunchbreaks, we weren't able to get my ring resized in time. No problem. I'd wear it for the ceremony and once we were back, get it resized.

Ceremony was a summer evening in a lovely garden and then afterwards we had a picnic on the beach with really good red wine. By the time we packed up, it was dusk, we were slightly drunk, and as I flicked the sand off the picnic blanket my brand new wedding ring also flipped off into the sand. Where it went... not sure. Clumsily throwing myself on hands and knees to search for it in the half-dark almost certainly buried it, though we kept sifting through the sand trying to find it. No luck. Having managed to keep hold of my wedding ring for a good two hours before I had lost it made me feel a bit ridiculous but I was convinced I'd find it once the sun came up. Feeling like I was going to throw up all night I finally went back to the beach on my own in the early morning while new husband was still sleeping and directed a CSI-worthy sand search. No luck. In the end, I called my jeweller a couple of hours later (cue a somewhat amusing conversation to the incredulous guy as I explained I lost my wedding ring ON my wedding day) and just bought another identical ring by phone. My husband and I have decided to not talk about this forevermore so it doesn't become all we think about when we think of our awesome elopement. Needless to say, once in possession of my new ring, I got it resized pretty fucking quickly.

speak up at the dang dress fitting

i had my final dress fitting at my seamstress' house, tried my dress on for my grandma and mom, was totally happy with it, paid for the alterations and took my dress home. the next day, at work, i receive this e-mail from my mom:

"Regarding your wedding dress, your Grandmother was saying that she thought it was way too tight up at the top - she was really surprised about it, and actually I was sort of too. I wish she had spoken up during the fitting. It seems VERY tight under your arm pits and in the back, to the point where your flesh is hanging over somewhat. I don't think it's you having gained weight or anything, but I think the seamstress must have misjudged and took it in too much. Is it comfortable? Are you sure you don't want to have it let out just a little at the top?"

YOUR FLESH IS HANGING OVER SOMEWHAT.

these are not words that anyone ever wants to read in an e-mail, especially when it's about your wedding dress, a week before your wedding. family is supposed to have your back, not your back fat. and speak up at the dang dress fitting -- that's what they're for!

Up Next: #weddinghorrorstory(week)

I just booked a little gig on a short film, which means the next ten days are going to be hec-tic. No time for lovely, leisurely blogging with speedy wifis.

So here's the plan: Send me your very best (i.e. WORST) wedding horror stories, and I'll throw em up on the blog via iphone.

They can be stories about your wedding, your best friend's wedding, your crazy-ass cousin's wedding.... Or, vendors!, stories about crazy-ass brides you have had the misfortune to work with. I promise to keep it all anonymous, as usual.

♥ 


Thea Stratton by Toby Knott for Velour Magazine via Fashion Gone Rogue