Just getting started.

Hi ESB,

Long-time reader, first-time writer. My boyfriend of 2 and a half years proposed last week in Ireland. I'm ecstatic, and would love to be married in June of 2013.

The biggest conundrum I'm facing right now is where to have this event: My parents and extended family are all from Oklahoma, but I was raised in Brooklyn until High School when their divorce was finalized and I moved back to OK to be with my Mom and stepdad. My fiance is an Irish Catholic West Point graduate from Yonkers, NY. His whole family is either in Ireland, or within 45 minutes of West Point. 

We both agree that a wedding in the Catholic Chapel at West Point would be beautiful. It would mean a lot to him, and it would also honor his service and put our (foreseeable) future (as he will deploy and we will move around quite a bit in the next 15 years) in perspective for my family. And as we'll have people coming from Ireland, and friends from D.C. (where we are), it'll be easier to convene everyone right outside of NYC.

I have to admit though, it stings a little that my family will have to travel for this event, but his (immediate) family will not.  

No matter where the big event is, I really want to exchange vows and celebrate on my grandparents' property in Oklahoma. One generation up, my grandparents have set a lovely example for me in what marriage, commitment and family should be. I spent every summer there as a child, even before I moved there for H.S. Originally, I was thinking we could just do a hippie ceremony with family and friends that wouldn't be able to make it out to West Point, and then do the big shindig in NY.

But then I started pricing things out. My Mom and Stepdad are very generously giving us 40,000. I can put in another 10,000 (fiance and clan are handling the typical groom's family stuff - the rehearsal dinner etc). My Father is sick, and may not be able to contribute anything. To my shock and horror, $50,000 seems to buy extremely little in the Hudson Valley! Going with the conventional rule of only spending 40% on the reception, we have our pick of tacky bridal factory places -- and that's about it. Why spend that much for such a cookie-cutter experience??

As for what we originally envisioned, we want to boogie all night with our nearest and dearest (capping it at college friends and extended family puts us in the ballpark of 200 or so guests). Live band, open bar for the Irish folk (who apparently always drink wedding venues dry), with really heartfelt touches throughout. We also hoped for a rockin Irish rehearsal dinner, and lovely day-after brunch.

I'd be over the moon with a wedding at my grandparents' house - but I know how lovely, important and convenient West Point is. Even my parents in Oklahoma are worried about having the big celebration there - as Irish family and DC friends might not be able to come. 

Please help me make sense of all of this! A feast for 25 in NY, and big celebration in OK? Bite the bullet on the tacky stuff because that's the most convenient?

Yours,
Confused.

*****

Dear Confused,

Welcome to wedding planning! It sucks.

First off, don't go with the "conventional rule" about anything. Who says you should only spend 40% of your budg on the reception? The same ppl who think you should spend 10% on flowers, 10% on attire, and 10% on a wedding coordinator.

YOU CAN SPEND YOUR BUDGET HOWEVER YOU WANT. Spend 40% on booze if you want to.

But I can't answer the where question for you. You and your future husb need to sit down and make the hard decision about which location means the most to the both of you. Either way, wherever you do the thing, there will be friends/family members who just can't make it.

Did I mention wedding planning sucks?

xoxo,
ESB

Lover's Eyes locket courtesy of The Met via c ktnon via Michiko M + even*cleveland

So.... What's a wedding budget?

Dear ESB,

Ok I'm engaged. Now what to do?

The man and myself have trouble understanding what a wedding budget means (both our first try at this thing). We have trouble understanding the concept of a budget in the first place to be honest. 

We are not poor but we are sometimes struggling under students loans and the high cost of life in The Netherlands. 

Any tips and tricks about budgeting? I'm not talking about DYI our cake-toppers but really something to help us figure out what should cost what. Is there a website, a book or someone to call?

Thanks for your help.

[insert a nickname here... Brokeback Bride?]

*****

There is no rule about what should cost what.

First, you need to decide how much money you're comfortable spending. This could be based on how much $$ you've got in savings (yeah right, I know), how much you think you can save, how much you can finagle on credit cards (not recommended, but it's been known to happen), how much family members have offered to contribute, or any combination of these things.

Then you get to think about what your priorities are.

Here's a wedding budget worksheet from Real Simple, which is worth glancing at, if only so you can gleefully x out things like "flower girl's buds and basket" and "valet parking." Pls ignore the helpful "Reception (50 percent)," "Attire (10 percent)," "Flowers and Decorations (10 percent)," etc, estimations.

There is NO RULE that says only 10% of your budg may be allotted to attire (or that you have to spend 10% on flowers), so don't let anyone tell you different.

If you want to get married in a SEEEEEEEEEELLAMIN dress at city hall and go for fish and chips afterward? Awesome.

Meg's brand new book, A Practical Wedding, has several examples of real-live wedding budgets, which are super down-to-earth and helpful. Such as:

$5,000, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS · Ashley and Zach LaMotte got married in a simple civil ceremony...

INVITATIONS: $25
Made by the bride, using materials she had on hand.

RECEPTION: $1,000
Lunch for twenty-two at a restaurant, including lots of wine, dessert, and tip.

WEDDING LICENSE AND VENUE: $50
The Chicago Cultural Center, where the City of Chicago performs civil ceremonies on Saturday mornings (and you're allowed to bring twenty or so people to cheer you on!).

PHOTOGRAPHER: $250
Two hours of coverage.

FLOWERS: $0
The bride and her mom made the bouquet and her husband's boutonniere out of vintage fabric flowers they already owned.

DRESS: $1,082
A splurge! She fell in love with the dress and later sold it for $500. Ashely said, "I loved that dress every dollar of that $1,082, and I love the dishwasher we bought with the $500 we got when we sold it, too."

SUIT AND HAT: $375
A three-piece suit and hat that the groom loves and has worn multiple times since the wedding.

WEDDING RINGS: $2,100
Why not splurge a little? They'll wear them for a lifetime.

See? That wasn't so hard.

Note: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, sign up for The Knot in order to utilize their budgeting tools. You'll get a never-ending stream of "177 days until The Big Day" emails, and then as soon as your fucking wedding is over they hit you with THE NEST.

One Dollar Camera by Won Park via The Design Inspiration

I'm really not a totally disorganized a$$hole

Hey lady,

I have a post-wedding etiquette question for you and your team of wise sages:

I live on the other side of the planet, but got married in CA. I had all the registry gifts sent to my mother's place  - so items wouldn't have to be shipped across the planet. Some people also brought gifts to the wedding (in other words, gifts everywhere). After the wedding I went through the gifts and created a gift spreadsheet to ensure everything was organized and accounted for. Then I left for my honeymoon and then home. Now, I am back home visiting this month and am doing some further organizing (we left the country a couple days after the wedding and I couldn't do much more than open the gifts and write down who gave what). 

I'm going through the list and I see a couple friends on there who I'm pretty sure gave us something, but nothing is listed. Additionally, there were a couple gifts that did not have cards (or in all the mayhem, the cards got lost). I have no idea who gave them to us. Finally, there are some people on my list who I'm pretty sure didn't get us anything. 

So my question is this:

How do I find out who gave us the gifts with no card without making the friends who didn't give us anything feel uncomfortable? I was thinking of going the process of elimination route and emailing people on the list where no present is listed, but what happens if that person didn't get us anything? Their presence at our wedding was their present, and we're honored that they joined us to celebrate, I don't want to make them feel bad. I also don't want to be ass and not send a 'thank you.' 

Finally, what about the people who I suspect got us something but I don't have anything written down? I mean, I don't know for sure, but again, I cannot not send a 'thank you' if they did give us something. And what if I'm totally wrong in my assumptions? I honestly don't know.

Fucking-A. 

Signed, 
Doesn't want to be an a$$shole & is usually more organized

*****

I was doing my best to ignore your email. Or, rather, peeking at it every other day and promising myself, "I'll get to it..." And then Rachel's thank-you-note-spreadsheet post smacked me right in the face.

It is thus with great pleasure that I bring you this response from the blogosphere's foremost expert on thank-you-note spreadsheets:

Dear Doesn't Want to be an A**hole, 

I can completely sympathize because this is basically my worst nightmare, re: wedding gifts. And I can't even slap you on the wrist because you are doing exactly what you should have done (spreadsheet, etc) and against great odds, what with the flying back and forth issues. Now is the time to hone your thank you ninja skills.

1. Since you registered, work the registry. Most of them will keep track of who bought what. Some of them provide this information online if you dig (usually called "thank you manager"). This will definitely clear things up for all the gifts people purchased online. I've found that it's much more sketchy for in store purchases, although I did spend some time calling customer service and attempting to badger them into giving me more information. Probably don't waste your time with that. 

2. Get stealthy. You know where the gaps are on your list, which is good. What you need to do is spread the word in those circles (but NOT to those specific people) that due to the craziness of intercontinental wedding planning, some gifts got separated from cards. Mention some of the specific gifts. Play up the fact that you feel terrible because you're sure that you're missing some thank yous and you'd really appreciate it if you could figure out who the gifters were. Basically, if you currently have a blank next to your aunt's name, it is much less weird for your mom to casually ask your aunt if she might know of someone who gave you an coffee maker (because naturally you absolutely adore it and it's tearing you up inside not to be able to thank the giver) than it is for you to go down the list and confront the people with blanks next to their names. NEVER talk to someone about gifts if you aren't sure they got you something. That's uncomfortable and looks like fishing.

3. Some people will out themselves, but they'll never do it to you directly. They'll ask your parents or your mutual friends if they know whether you received x,y,z gift because they never received a thank you note. This is where the spreading the word part helps again, because those people are now primed to say "Oh my god, she was agonizing over that because the gift somehow got separated from the card!" and the gifter will feel relieved that you aren't just an ungrateful a**hole and then your informant will pass the information along to you and you can send an effusive card.

4. Yes, there are people who didn't get you anything. That's fine. I was awkward about this because I genuinely wanted to send these people thank you notes just for attending (because some of them made a huge effort to be there) but I didn't want it to seem like I was being a passive-aggressive asshole and pointing out the fact that they didn't buy gifts. I think my solution is going to be including a "it meant so much to have you at the wedding, it wouldn't have been the same without you on the dance floor" type note in a different context (casual email, holiday card, etc). 

Good luck and god speed, friend.

I do have a team of wise sages, don't I?

p.s. Rachel did terrific how-tos on planning + budgeting a DIY wedding, streamer backdrops, painted tablecloths and hand dyed napkins for 100 Layer Cake last week. And you should probably take a look at her wedding photos. (Spoiler Alert: THERE ARE SPARKLES)

Photo: Sarah Bebe Holmes via Arial Edge via Peonies & Polaroids

Why the F*@% does it cost so much?? Sponsored by Whoa Nelly! Catering

Yep. I'm branching out into Sponsored Posts (or at least a sponsored post).

But instead of giving you the usual "this company is so wonderful because blah blah blah" in my voice, I thought it would be a lot cooler to let Elizabeth of Whoa Nelly! Catering have her say in her own voice.

And her voice is perfect for ESB. So without further ado....

hi, i'm elizabeth griffiths, the co-owner of Whoa Nelly! Catering. my partner, stephanie bone and i opened Whoa Nelly! Catering to be a fresh voice in the often stale world of special event catering. we love catering weddings, but there is one question that we get so often that we felt like we wanted to address it in a public forum: "why the f* does it cost so much!?"

catering a wedding is expensive. there are lots of caterers out there, and there are a wide variety of price points to choose from. that being said, if you want a caterer who cares passionately about the caliber of food being served at your wedding, get ready to spend more money than you would on an enchilada bar from the neighborhood taco joint (not that there is anything wrong with going that route. god knows, steph and i love a 'lada and a marg'...)

we're just going to lay it out here: if you hire us to cater your wedding, you should expect to pay between $75 and $100 per person on food and service. (note, that does not include rentals. why the f* rentals cost so much should be a blog of its own, not just a post...) but back to our average quotes: can we do it for less? yes. will you have to be flexible, and willing to streamline what you want? yes. is it our job to give our clients the very best value for their money, and get them as close to their vision as is financially possible? every. single. time.

so, you might ask, then why does it cost so much to have whoa nelly! cater your wedding? well, here are three basic reasons:

1. ingredients. there's a lot of lip service given to using farmers market ingredients. most of it is BS -- like if you use a local, farmers market ingredient in one dish, all of a sudden you're legit. we buy every single piece of produce we use at the farmers markets. one bunch of the beautiful, spicy, picked two-days-ago arugula that we buy from flora bella farm costs almost as much as a 3# bag of the pre-washed, picked-2-weeks-ago, flavorless stuff. But because we use these vibrant, delicious, heirloom ingredients, our salads look like this:

not like this:

one more note on ingredients. we buy all of our meat and dairy from companies who are raising their animals with care. one thing that boggles my mind is the prevalence of "filet mignon" on catering menus. one pound of niman ranch filet mignon costs $22/lb. one pound of commodity-grade, industrially produced filet costs $9/lb. If you are being quoted $35 per person for a menu that involves filet mignon, just take a minute and do the math. I think you can guess where your caterer is getting their meat.

2. labor. it takes a lot (seriously **A LOT**) of hours and a lot of people to make food for 200 people at one time. it is obvious that it take a lot of people the day of -- to make sure that everything comes out at the right time and the right temperature -- but it's the prep that makes a wedding sneakily expensive. Stephanie and i will EASILY spend a week's worth of 12 hour days in the kitchen prepping for an event (that's how long it takes when you actually peel your own garlic and pick your own thyme...) this sounds like a complaint, but it isn't meant to be. we are proud to run a company that doesn't cut corners by buying garlic in a jar, or using dried spice blends. stephanie even makes our pesto with a mortar and pestle (email us to find out why it makes a difference). if we were the kind of company who served the same menu at each wedding, it would make our lives easier, and our menus cheaper. but we really, truly believe in the value of creating custom menus for each of our clients. as is always the case: bespoke = be ready to pay more money for what you want.

3. time. the third thing we almost always get asked about is our "catering service charge." we charge this service fee as a way to compensate our administrative team (read: elizabeth and stephanie) for the time we spend working on your wedding, outside of the kitchen. i think with bigger companies, it's not such a big deal to have an assistant fire off a menu, or have an event manager be the one who's on site for your wedding. at Whoa Nelly!, we are the assistants, and the event managers, and the dish washers, and (of course) the cooks. that makes our operations small potatoes compared to some of the behemoths in the industry, but for the right type of bride, we hope it's reassuring to know that our personal hands are going to be all over every single aspect of your event -- from the first email to the last dirty sauce pan.

there is a pervasive myth out there that you say the word "wedding," and all of a sudden, the prices skyrocket. i say this is a myth not because weddings aren't expensive, but the myth is that the only reason the cost goes up is because of the "W-word" itself. it's expensive to produce a menu for 200 people that requires 8 cooks, 12 servers, and a full outdoor kitchen build-out. that being said, our worst nightmare is to have a bride who feels like they didn't get what they paid for. we want to have the happiest brides in town. we want all the girls and boys getting married out there to tell their friends about what an AMAZING experience they had working with us -- that's how we want to build our business -- not through gimmicks, or groupons, or trade shows (jesus, lesson learned the hard way on those...)

so, the bottom line is this: your wedding is supposed to be your BIG DAY. it might be a big budget day (that's what having a 200 person guest list will do for ya), but it doesn't have to be. what it should be is a chance for you to think about your priorities for how you want to celebrate. one of the very best weddings we did this year was a cocktail-style reception for an incredibly fun and creative bride and groom. we were able to work with them within their budget, because they understood that with only $25 per person to spend, they weren't going to get that lame-ass filet mignon. what they got instead was this. it didn't cost a whole f*ing lot, but it was a lot of f*ing fun.

Dear ESB: Please do the icky part for me.

I'm getting married in September 2012 in Cape Cod, Massachusetts. The ceremony is going to be on the beach. I am having about 100 guests (I think) and am having a lot of trouble figuring out the reception. This is a budget wedding, I want good food, laid back reception. No banquet halls, restaurants are looking expensive...any ideas? Looking forward to your guidance

*****

ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?

I'm not a fucking wedding planner.

Photo: Poppy Delevingne via WHOWHATWEAR via Kelly Edmonson

Here's a rad way to keep track of your wedding expenses

Draw them.

Images by Kate Bingaman-Burt via Nibs*

*I was so glad to see Nibs back up I just scrolled all the way through Martha B's wedding archives.

Cooler alternatives to Mr. Tux?

Alison emailed me with this dilemma, and I'm reaching out to all of you for help:

Love your blog, esp the groom fashion - and I have a groom outfit dilemma! My fiancee (who definitely has his own style) is completely adverse to renting a tux, and butting heads with my mother, who is hyperventilating over not having everyone match in the pictures (to be fair, my parents are paying for most of the wedding, including the photographer). We were thinking grey suits and buying everyone's shirts, ties and cufflinks, but turns out not everyone has grey suits and no one (including us) is really in the financial state to buy new suits. We were wondering, are there cooler alternatives to Mr. Tux where the boy can satisfy his sartorial dreams, but my mother gets everyone matching?

My dress is ivory with champagne embroidery and a sweetheart neckline, the girls are wearing plum gowns with the same neckline, and we'd like the guys in relaxed, classic but modern lines. We live in NYC, though my family's in the Boston area and the wedding is in NH (though we're happy to transport across state lines to fix the issue). I would appreciate any ideas - thanks!

Alison, when you say you'd like the guys in "relaxed, classic but modern lines" you're describing three different things. This is classic. This is modern. And "relaxed" just makes me think of a suit that's not tailored properly.

My first thought is, "DON'T RENT. They will never fit properly, and why would you want to put the guys in the exact same suit?!" But okay. The bridesmaids are wearing matching dresses, and your mom wants the guys to match.*

But here's what I will insist on. Don't dress the groom exactly like the groomsmen. You're wearing a different dress than your bridesmaids, obv. So why can't the groom wear a different suit than the groomsmen? (See photo above.**) And please buy a suit for the groom so you can have it tailored properly. Forgive me if this sounds cornball, but it's his day too.

So... can anyone recommend cool spots to rent suits in the nyc area? What about vintage/used/consignment stores where Alison's groom might find a suit that fits their budget?

(Photo by John Rozier via Brooklyn Bride)

*I'm trying to wrap my mind around this. I know you don't all tell your moms to eff off the way I do. I think my poor mom has been afraid of me since I was about five.

**And please focus on the suits, not the hair.

The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the cost of the wedding. Bullsh*t.

This empty motivational saying is being bandied all over the internet like it means something. And it's really starting to piss me off.

I've had it with the holier-than-thou budget-wedding people. If you want to set a budget and hold yourself to it, great. Set a tiny budget! But just FYI, it will not make you a better person. It will not guarantee the success of your marriage.

What will get your marriage off on the right foot* is putting careful thought into your wedding, whether you spend $2,000, $50,000 or $10,000+ . It may sound crazy, but I'm pretty sure the hours of deliberation/negotiation you put into grey plastic chairs vs. white "wooden" (read: polypropylene) chairs will teach you something later when you are, say, buying a house.**

(Photo by Dina Goldstein via Cupcakes and Cashmere via A CUP OF JO)

*NOTE: I am not a marriage counselor (nor do I want to be a marriage counselor). I do not claim to have a perfect marriage. In fact, a perfect marriage sounds kinda icky.

**The correct answer is b) "wooden" chairs.

wedding budget vs. bridal sanity

This lady has her priorities straight. In my opinion.

Because if you're too busy running around and DIY'ing to breathe and enjoy your wedding day, who cares how much effing money you saved?

(Photo by Victoria Pearson via Simple Lovely)

Take your budget wedding and shove it*

Thank you, Meg, for writing this post. Now I don't have to.

I do have one thing to add:

I don't approve of soliciting strangers for wedding funds, but I'm also fed up with the implication that you're not ready for marriage until you've saved enough cash to pay for the wedding.

I wanted $400 shoes and I (gasp) put them on a credit card. We also charged the rentals. Anybody have a problem with that? Because I'm done feeling guilty about it.

*Don't shove your wedding silly. Just stop focusing on the budgetbudgetbudget. It makes me depressed.

(Photos by my fave, Olivia Bee)

F* the $10,000 wedding. Have a picnic.

One of my favorite wedding bloggers is sick to death of the phrase "budget wedding." The words have lost their meaning. (I mean, how could my budget be the same as your budget?) It's just a lazy way for the mainstream media to categorize non-traditional and/or DIY weddings. And then turn around and try to sell you stuff.*

At the same time, some couples are counting every dollar and cent. Jessica (aka Budget Savvy Bride), who is aiming for a $10,000 wedding, is 10 weeks away from the big day, and the venue that told her she could bring her own wine now wants to charge $40/bottle. She hasn't signed a contract and she's afraid she might have to postpone the whole thing.

Meg told Jessica, "It's a wedding, not the event of a lifetime. You want to get married right? That's going to make you happy, right? So look around. Maybe you can have a wee adorable wedding in a friend's home, or a family house. Maybe a park. Maybe a courthouse with a sassy pencil skirt, heels, and a fabulous facinator..."

That's the best advice I've heard all year. Would you also tell these two, who are asking for donations to throw their $10,000 wedding?

*From hippie to Marxist in just five days. My Wesleyan is showing.

(Photo courtesy of The Daily Planet)

cool as hell wedding

I have to tell you I totally geeked out when DJ/blogger/etsy maven Genevieve told me she was a fan of my weird little wedding blog. (Actually, what she said was, "I love this blog, it's one of my favorite parts about my wedding planning adventure.") Not to brag, but.... I have the coolest readers.

Above are a few of Genevieve and Matt's photos. Below are her off-the-cuff thoughts on their October 5 wedding.

Okay, I'm in wedded bliss!!!!! Here is the run-down on my super awesome, way fun, cool as hell, not that stressful, totally completely fully "US" wedding!

Okay, so wedding details:

We are a DJ duo, and we DJ a regular new-disco/house party called NIGHTCLUBBING (shamless plug!) at Holocene, where we got married. The music and the food were the two most important things to us with this whole thing, we hashed out the menu with our SUPER talented caterer friend Jeremy Larter, and our friend Derek Plaslaiko flew out from NY to DJ. We didn't go wrong with either thing, both were sooooooo good at what they did for us! We had the ceremony and reception at the same place, and I didn't want to do a huge aisle walk or anything, so we had family members from both sides hold a canopy over us while Matt's brother married us, and my dad did a really sweet reading. Matt's parents have been together since they were 14, and my parents have been married for almost 30 years, so we really felt like we wanted the whole wedding thing to feel really personal and family oriented. After the quick ceremony, everyone mingled *ahem*drank*ahem*, and then we ate the amazing buffet style dinner. People danced all night, (and there was indeed what I must admit would be best called a mosh pit at one point, totally unexpected, but people went nuts when the Pixies "Debaser" came on. You just go with it.) Afterward everyone headed to another bar to close the night.

It was really important to me to minimize waste for this party. All the decorations were totally DIM (do-it-myself), re-purposed/re-purposable, including tablecloths, a thrifted and totally gorgeous collection of vases and candleholders, paper flowers I made mixed with feathers and wheat stalks, and dahlias from the Farmers Market that I put together with my sisters and cousin the night before. I made my own dress (I am a seamstress and designer, so that was a natural idea). We were so lucky to have Holocene's gorgeous space to be in, so romantic and fairylike in there, and we didn't have to do much "decorating". We were able to do the whole thing on a tight budget (I think it's rolling in under 5 grand for 100 people to party like nuts), and make it look and feel like a million bucks. Best of all, I got to have tons of fun at my own wedding, talk to everyone, and feel like I was dancing on air.

I didn't hire a professional photographer, so I think no one may have thought to get shots of my table arrangements and stuff, which bummed me out for a sec, but then I realized that all the pictures of all my friends and family look so happy that what got captured was what really mattered.

Um, Genevieve.

a) Your centerpieces are gorgeous and

b) Damn right. Not only do you have pictures of everyone having an f'ing fabulous time, but I'll bet you anything the dance party is what they're still talking about.

(Photos by Jarkko Cain and Chloé Richard)

Tomorrow: Genevieve and Matt's kick-ass portland wedding

A killer minidress. A NY DJ. A $5,000 budget.

Stay tuned.