WE ARE THE BEST!

GO SEE THIS MOVIE, YOU GUYS!

Set in Stockholm in 1982 and shot in Swedish, We Are the Best! is director Lukas Moodysson's adaptation of his wife's graphic novel about three aspiring punk rock girls. (Allow me to clarify: these girls are aspiring to be in a punk band. They are already punk as fuck.)

I have to admit, I was relieved when I read the NY Times review this morning and learned that Moodysson has been making movies for 15+ years. We Are the Best! feels like a first film, in that it's rough and exuberant and utterly connected to the material, but the acting is so good--his leads were aged 11, 13 and 14 when they shot the film--that I started kicking myself in my seat, thinking "How did he get those performances??"

We Are the Best! opens this Friday in Montreal, New York, Toronto, Vancouver and West Los Angeles, then rolls out to more cities throughout June + July.

Absolutely appropriate for tween audiences, if you don't mind a fuck or two. (Which, if you mind that, what are you doing here?) Be the cool aunt and bring your ten-year-old niece. It'll blow her mind.

Jill Soloway's Afternoon Delight

I've been sitting here for the past two hours trying to write a review of this movie. (Which is terrific, by the way.)

But all that's coming out is a rant about critics, especially male critics, who can't handle an honest portrayal of female sexuality.

Rather than rant, I will just urge you to go see it.

Please, GO SEE IT.

We need more movies with funny, complicated, not-always-likeable female characters. And more movies (lots more movies) written and directed by women.

WTF should I do with my last name?

Dear ESB,

WTF should I do with my last name when I get married?

I've read some great posts over at APW about name changing which gave me some good ideas and opinions, but I still can't decide.

I'd love to see what your and your reader's thoughts on the subject are.

Options I’m considering:
-Keeping my name
-Changing my last to his & moving my last name to be part of my middle name
-Keep my name legal and go by his name publicly

Future baby name options:
-All have his last name
-Hyphenated
-One has my last name, one has his

He doesn’t want to change his name at all (which is understandable because his last name is awesome), so unfortunately we can’t go the route of making up a brand new one. He is also supportive of whatever decision I make.

Reasons to change it:
His last name is seriously awesome, my last name isn’t awesome, it’s easier on kids than hyphenating (which I’m not super stoked on anyway), I’m not super “established” in work/art, I love change/fresh starts & what’s the difference if I take one man’s name (FH) over another man’s (father)?

Reasons to keep it:
It’s MY name damn it, I feel like it’s “anti feminist” if I change it and mostly; I’m really proud of my family which is tiny and I feel like by changing my last name I’m leaving part of me behind (if that makes sense).

HALP.

-Ms. ?

*****

A few months after H and I got married, my 13-year-old niece stood next to me at H&M, watching me sign a credit card slip.*

"Wow, I guess you had to learn to sign your name all over again, huh?"

"Nope. I didn't change my name."

"You don't have to change your name?"

"Nope."

"You mean I could keep my name when I get married?"

"Yep."

She's got a great name. She should keep her name. And it blew my mind that she didn't even know this was an option.

I knew from the time I was little that I'd never change my name. I never even CONSIDERED IT. And it makes me crazy when a professed feminist (!) explains that she never liked her last name anyway and/or it was really important to her husband that she change it and/or she wants to have the same last name as her children (my mom and I have different names and WE SURVIVED!).

Makes me crazy.

It's 2013 and we're moving backwards.

Those are my thoughts.

Kirsten Owen in Comme des Garçons by Craig McDean for Visionaire 20 via Enid Hwang via Tosha Wynn
______________________________

*I believe I was buying her a pair of hot pink mittens. It was her first time at H&M! Not that anyone cares.

Should the bridal party be UNIFORM?

Dear ESB,

Though my boyfriend and I are not engaged yet--we do plan on getting married soon, though--I'm looking at some ceremony deets. BF has several old friends (six or seven) who would definitely be groomsmen. I, on the other hand, have fewer close friends, many of them men, I would want to include.

How unusual is it to have uneven bridal/groom's parties? I would have four close friends but--how awful does this sound--could easily stretch it to five or six if I include some fam. I'd be happy including them but don't think it'd be fair to them if it's just for uniformity. I'm certainly not going to ask BF to cut down on his side; I know how important these fellas are to him (and me).

Two, I have four close friends, two of which are men. The feminist in me wants to make sure the ladies are rep'd, but the, well, the feminist in me doesn't want them rep'd just for the sake of it. I obviously don't feel like I should have to make many compromises on this, but a strong part of me feels weird having such uneven, underrepresented groups.

Thoughts?

*****

It's not a BOARDROOM, it's a wedding.

He asks his best friends, you ask your best friends. Boom. Done.

But wait til you're engaged, mkay?

Photo by Michal Pudelka for Atomica Mag via Claire Cottrell

Should I take my husband's name?

Dear ESB,

Did you take H's last name when you got married? I'm batting the idea around but the modern I-can-take-care-of-my-own-damn-self woman in me is cringing at the thought (and the paperwork!).

Here's the thing though, my parents are divorced and my father is remarried so there's a Mrs. My Last Name that's not my mother. I'm not crazy about my step-mom (probably because she is crazy) and after the remarriage my dad and I have had on-again-off-again relationship. So keep my last name and all that is associated with it? Hyphenate it (ugh) or have both last names? Or change it and be done with it? I guess I could always drop the last name and only go by my first name but I can foresee problems with TSA.

I'm not hell bent on having kids but if I did get knocked up I would want them to have my fiance's last name (which is very German and has six consonant in a row).

Any advice from you or your lovely readers would be much appreciated.

*****

I did not take H's name. Didn't even consider it. Frankly, it amazes me that so many women continue to buy into such a neolithic tradition.

It's YOUR NAME. Who gives a shit if your dad and your stepmom are using it too?

As far as kids go, I will tell you this: I grew up with a different last name from my mom and it mattered not one bit. She's still my mom.

(Correction: *Raquel Zimmerman* photographed by Ezra Petronio. Get it together, self service magazine.)

should I give my boyfriend an engagement ring?

I was hoping to find out your (and your readers') opinion on men wearing engagement rings? I have the feeling my boyfriend is going to pop the Q, I was thinking of having a ring to give to him in return.

*****

If your guy is a guy who will rock it, I say FUCK YES give him an engagement ring.

(The divine Keith Richards, Brian Jones and Mick Jagger, found here)

Blog of the Week(ish): even*cleveland

1. I've been known to rage against video embedded on blogs...but a whole mini mix tape greeted me on even*cleveland this rainy morning and it was just what I needed.

2. Stephanie posts the most terrific imaginary outfits. I still dream about this one in particular.

2a. She has terrific taste in jewelry. (In case you're ever seeking the perfect gift for me, it is, in fact, a Rat Jaw Ring.)

3. I straight-up stole her elegant, uber-long running list of labels.

4. Something about Stephanie's outlook on art and femalehood and living a creative life calms me down. Maybe that's why I've been drawn to her blog lately. 

"A Heavy Net" by Iwase Yoshiyuki via even*cleveland

Christians are people too

Hey Jill,

Thanks for responding on the blog today.

I worry that my advice was a little flip, but honestly what I meant was: Go with your gut! Get on with your life together! And hearing more of your story just reinforced that for me. I hoped it helped to hear from other women who did the city hall thing too. Obviously, your religion is your own f*cking business. SHEESH.

Keep us posted will you? (I'd love to see photos from city hall and/or the big wedding if you feel like sending any.)

Love,
ESB

*****

Dear ESB, 

Thanks for responding. It was nice to hear someone else's input on the matter, many readers' input in fact. I am woman who is familiar with people judging my ideas. For my wedding day I have opted not to have paper wedding invites, call my women "bridesmaids" or have my wedding in a church. We are getting married on my (bought it myself, no man, no co-signer) 140 acre property next to the pond where my fiance proposed. My pet pig Tula will be walking down the aisle along with our three dogs. Our reception is in a 200 year old barn that was converted into a playhouse (which I rented for free, we just need to dust). This is not your mother's wedding.

The decision to get legally married ahead of time was three-fold. One, we are stoked to be married. Two, we want to live together and have sex. Three, it makes a lot of financial sense because he is in the military.

I will send you photos very soon because our engagement shoot is actually going to be (psych!) the photos from our legal wedding ceremony. Aside from the readers of ESB and a few friends we aren't announcing our legal marriage in case we are met with more opposition.

I've never understood why everyone want things, especially weddings, to be done the way they have been done before. I am an avid (avid!!) reader of wedding blogs and I feel like brides are finally getting this, things don't have to be any particular way, only the way that makes sense to you. I think as long as you are respectful of your guests (don't make your gramma sit on a cactus plant) then you should have free reign for your day.

It was awesome that you posted my email and I was so happy to hear all the feedback, even the comments about us trying to escape hell by getting legally married. I love your website and I will be a faithful reader long after my wedding day.

I have attached a few photos of my pre-wedding life. Enjoy! 

Jill

I am not a housewife

But I am also not the wage-earner at present. Even though H-town insists it's my job to focus on creative projects, I feel incredibly guilty about spending the whole day sitting in front of my computer without the immediate promise of a paycheck. Or going out into the field without the immediate promise of a paycheck. (Okay, I feel less guilty about that.)

So I tell myself I ought to take on more of the shopping and cooking and cleaning. The, um, housework? I think they call it.

Some days I get satisfaction out of this. I manage to go to the farmer's market and Trader Joe's.* I (gasp) wash dishes. I feel all wifey and proud of myself.

And some days I feel resentful of the burden I've taken on. I let the dishes pile up.** I warm up chicken taquitos (if I find them in the back of the freezer), which aren't really enough dinner, and we end up hitting the 7-11 for potato chips and ice cream at one am because there's nothing left in the fridge.

There's got to be a happy medium right? I definitely haven't found it. And the bungalow is so small that one day's clutter = a complete mess.

(Image via Hollister Hovey)

*Yeah, Whole Foods has been relegated to specialty items. Still sad about that.

**Note: the idea that I personally have "let the dishes pile up" is all in my head. H-town certainly does not expect me to do more than my share of the housework. In fact, he believes he's a superior dishwasher.

the joy of....

Inspired by this book review, I bought an old copy of The Joy of Sex on ebay to give H-town for Valentine's Day.*

Purely as an anthropological artifact you understand.

*I really wanted a first edition, but what I got was "Completely Revised and Updated for the 1980's." She: still shag haircut + gogo boots. He: still bearded neanderthal. Looks pretty seventies to me.

ART: TOM WESSELMANN, “BEDROOM PAINTING NO. 6” (1968)/ESTATE OF TOM WESSELMANN/Courtesy of The New Yorker

I'm still a feminist!

From my new favorite blog, PONY&ZUCKER

Here's how pony pamplemousse and frl.sucker describe themselves:

we like drinking tea and having breakfast together, and feminism and watching gossip girl and zines and listening to cocorosie. this is our online diary, because the private is political.

Um, awesome.

Via Design for Mankind

here's the truth

A few days ago I was stressed out about our finances and feeling self-indulgent for focusing on my own projects without bringing in any (immediate) income.

H-town told me v. calmly that money will always be an issue. No matter how much we have. (See: You Try to Live on 500K in This Town) And he assured me that I'm putting my energy in the right place. Going out and getting a $10/hr job is not the right thing to do.*

It's intense, being married. I was such a rabidly feminist little girl, I never imagined having a husband, let alone being supported by one.

But I'm learning. And in a few years, I'll take a turn being the wage earner so H-town can stay home and be creative. I know he won't have a problem with that.

(Thank you Alice, for the reminder, and Allen Salkin, for putting things in perspective.)

*I could, however, do the dishes more often. Says me, not him.