I'm 90% sure I need to leave my husband

Hey ESB,

I've seen you facilitate some killer support and advice for real life shit in the past, so here I am writing to you. I'm 90% sure I need to leave my husband, and I could really use a cheer squad/push.

I won't bore you with the details, but we do have a young child. My husband is my best friend, and I want him in our lives forever, but we don't feel like a couple anymore. We've had some horrible times, and have been in counselling for months, and have made good progress. But, I'm exhausted, and I feel like half a person around him, and I just want to get out. It's hard to, because lots if what we have together is great. There's a lot of love, and I know how much harder my life would be as a single mum, how long I might have to put my ambitions on hold. In light if this, it feels like I'm being selfish or immature to want to leave.

But, last night I found myself confessing to an almost perfect stranger that I wanted to leave my husband, and I don't think I deserve to be unhappy enough to do that. It wasn't a drunken confession either, by the way. Neither of us had a single drop.

Can somebody just tell me that I'll make the right choice and find the right words, and that it will all work out ok in the end? Please?

- Desperate Housewife

*****

You deserve to feel like a whole person. And: Your kid needs a mom who feels like a whole person.

Tell your husband what you just told us.


Inversion Series by Anton Bundenko

What if some people don't "just know"?

Hi, ESB. 

I'm writing with a quandary that's been rolling around in my head for a while. I'm in a great relationship. He is supportive, funny, kind, handsome and all of that. We have a relationship well founded in trust and support- no questions there. We've been together for five years and have shared a home for most of that time.

Of course conversations eventually turn into questions about marriage. It isn't a huge "must do" for either of us. I would at some point like to have a celebration of love and families coming together but nothing even close to the whole cupcake-bride-with-a-big-expensive-string-of-events.

A week ago we had a really good but hard and honest conversation. We both admitted that we see so much compatibility but lament a sometimes meh sex life and aren't entirely sure if we are each other’s "the one.” We both expressed our frustration about not knowing and anxiety about whether we are the kind of people that ever might "just know.” A lot of people say they had that feeling before getting married. And I'm sure for some people it is true, but isn't there also a leap of faith a bit? If we were to break up would we just be throwing the baby out with the bath water? I've never been one to believe that marriage is the final destination or an easy time. Inevitably there are things you compromise on. I have a partnership that is mutually dependent and supportive. I love him, I'm attracted to him and I love sharing my life with him.... but what gives about knowing about "the one"? 

I'd love it if people shared how they know/don't know/knew/thought they knew/never knew they found a partner for life.

Thank you!

*****

Fuck "the one."

Is sex important to you? Is a meh sex life a dealbreaker? For either of you??

Because if it ain't working now, marriage won't fix it.



p.s. I posted a similar dilemma here. And Dan Savage has a lot to say on this subject -- listen to his podcast, I beg of you!!!

Image: Ernesto Artillo

It's not that the sex is bad or anything....

Hey ESB,

I have a non wedding related question for you and your wise minions.

I got married to my husband 3 months ago, after being with him for about 4 years.  

At the moment, he works away for 2 weeks at a time, and is only home for 1 week. This past swing, he was away for 4 weeks and has been home for 2.

You would expect that when he got home after being away for 2 weeks, I would be wanting to rip his clothes off and have sex with him then and there right? Wrong! I am not feeling it at all. We usually have sex the first night he gets home, and I am sort of into it, but then that's it. Right now, has been home for 2 weeks and we have only had sex that one time, the first night he was home.

It's not that the sex is bad or anything, I just can't be bothered and I know that sounds absolutely terrible!! I feel like life just gets in the way and sex is the last thing I feel like. I try to pump myself up for it because I know he is going away soon, but I don't know, I seem to have lost all interest.

I know that this hurts him too, and I think it is probably doing damage to our relationship as well. I am 23, if I don't want to have sex now, what will our future be like?

I think that before he started working away things were better, we had sex at least once a week, and maybe I felt more close to him or something?

I guess my actual question is probably...what should I do, and is this in any way normal?

Any advice you could give would be very welcome.

Thanks ESB

*****

Sadly, this is very normal.

Sexual desire in any long-term relationship tends to have a kind of ebb and flow.

And contrary to popular belief, intimacy, affection, security and/or MOTHERFUCKING CUDDLING are not necessarily turn-ons for women. Routine can kill the excitement.

What is the solution to this??

Harboring fantasies, keeping a secret or two, having sex even when you don't feel like having sex because sometimes your body needs a kick-start to remember: "Oh, yeah. I like this!"

Initiating sex NOT AT BEDTIME, which, imho is the absolute unsexiest time to have sex (See: Afternoon Delight).

Are a few tricks I recommend.

Hormonal birth control can also be a libido-killer for a lot of women. If you're currently on the pill, trying going off for a little while.

Okay, dying to hear more suggestions/advice from the minions....



Louise Grinberg By Raphael Just for Jalouse February 2013 via Visual Optimism

ugh

So

My best friend of 25 years got married in June, I was her MOH, I tried so hard to please! I feel like I went above and beyond, her wedding, shower and bachelorette party were all awesome, I would even go so far as to say it was absolutely perfect.

She had a very long engagement, three years, we thought she was never going to get married! Until... I got engaged!

Back story- my FH and I have been together for 14 years, I always said I never wanted to get married and so I never thought he would ask.

Until he did!?!

So of course I said yes, I am a very offbeat girl and I am going very traditional with my wedding, crazy but it's what I'm digging! I wanted to get hitched before turning 30. I kinda felt like she should get married before me as she got engaged before me. Not wanting to wait to pick a date we kinda agreed that I would get married later in the fall as she always wanted a June wedding. I set my date in September after getting engaged in July. As of January she still had not. I had always felt overwhelmed and stressed out that she said she wanted to get married that summer and still had not gotten a dress or set a date or ANYTHING. Meanwhile I had a date a dress a caterer a photog... I digress...

I feel like she didn't even want to get married, it was like pulling teeth. I would try to be uber helpful and work on things to inspire her to no avail. When she finally set a date I was ecstatic! Ready to help all I could, I knew it was going to be an amazing wedding! She was not an easy person to please. I tried my best. I planned an awesome girls weekend and threw her a beautiful shower. I did her hair and makeup for all of her events I spent a ton of money on her gifts, I helped her with everything she would allow me to, I really would have done anything for her! I can't tell you how many nights I cried over how terrible she made me feel, she accused me of not helping her. I never let her know how bad I was hurting, I didn't want to ruin any of her experience, I would just apologize profusely  During her parties etc she would always make snide comments about how I was next, I just let it go not sure how she meant for me to take it...

I hoped that after her wedding things would improve! I had never heard of a MOHzilla...

Lets just say it hasn't, her husband is also in our bridal party, he is worse than she is! She didn't come with me to try on dresses, I was there for her. She didn't come to my bridal portraits, I did her hair and makeup, picked up her flowers, followed her around making sure she wasn't shiny and made her laugh the whole time thru hers. I ordered my bridesmaids dress the day she chose it, it almost didn't make it here because she waited so long, so of course she waited to the last second to order for mine, it's going to arrive the week before the wedding.... I am trying to remain positive but it is a losing battle. The day that my FH wanted to go look at suits (we decided to buy them they cost 80 bucks! Sweet Perry Ellis modern fit suits that they can keep for 80 bucks!) he asked that I go. My MOH's husband gave me attitude about being there, he was very short and snippy saying things like "can we get this show on the road!" I tried to ask him what was wrong and I wrapped my arm around his shoulder to hug him and he pushed me away and said "you need to talk to your friend" and stormed off... Needless to say I cried the whole way to the suit shop. Is it really too much to ask for people to be nice and positive?

So far my MOH has been bitchy and snippy about having to plan my shower and party. She has figured out a place to stay for free which is ok but she said "you know because I am still so broke from my wedding" to which I replied " honey I am still broke from your wedding!"

My FH and I have decided we should have eloped and that after we are married we don't need our friends. We four used to hang out every Thursday Friday and Sunday, now I am lucky if I get a phone call....

I am sure that this will only get worse, the good thing is I am on top of my game and until the week I get hitched I don't think I need to do anything except for buy booze and save money!

If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this I would love to hear it.

Super Sad Bridey Bird

*****

Just so we're clear: You are the MOHzilla in this sitch, not your friend.

SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GET MARRIED

SHE WAS CRYING OUT FOR HELP

And, um, I hate to break it to you… But I think perhaps they have already split up. Like the man said, you need to talk to your friend.


Carolina Thaler by Laurence Ellis for Amica, September 2013 via COUP DE FOUDRE

I found his secret sex toy stash

Dear ESB,


My fiance and I have been together about five years, engaged for five months. We just bought a house together about a month ago and plan to get married next year. Earlier in our relationship, it became apparent that his sex drive is much stronger than mine. I do enjoy sex and have had the best sex of my life with this man, I just don't initiate as much as he'd like. I always get into it once we get going, but it's rarely ever my idea.

We've talked about this a few times, though it's hard for me to discuss without getting emotional because I end up feeling like a failure as a woman and a sexual being. I think it stems from some old insecurities of mine. He really can't stand it when I get very emotional, so sometimes he avoids topics he knows will set me off. At one point I thought we weren't compatible enough in terms of sex drive and he'd never propose and we'd eventually break up. But he did, and he also stopped commenting on my lack of initiation.

So recently we've settled into a routine of doing it first thing most mornings, aka not my body's favorite time to be intimate to begin with. I roll with it as enthusiastically as possible. He always seems to enjoy it and is very complimentary, especially when I give him a blow job (often).

Anyway, I was packing for a trip recently and found his secret sex toy/lube stash under a couch. Specifically, it was a butt plug. I'm not that weirded out, because I know even straight men like stimulation there, but I'm hurt that he was keeping a secret in our house, and I'm back at the feeling of failure because I'm obviously not fulfilling all his needs and he doesn't feel like he can share this with me. I have been really busy lately with work and other stuff, but we do it about four or five times a week. I know he masturbates and watches porn sometimes when he's alone, which doesn't bother me, but for some reason this strikes me as a more serious need. Am I overreacting? I am not sure how long he's had this, but it would have been harder to hide it in our apartment, which was smaller.

Should I confront him about it? Ignore it and keep with the status quo, which meets my own needs? Put my finger there next time we're doing it and see how it goes? (I think I would be open to more experimentation along these lines...) All other aspects of our relationship are awesome.

xoxo

*****

I'd open with "Hey, I found your butt plug!" 

No, really. I bet he wanted you to find it.

Play with the butt plug or don't play with the butt plug. The butt plug is not the problem. The problem is "the status quo," as you put it, which sorta meets your needs but also sorta has you doling out blow jobs every morning when you'd really rather be asleep.

You love this man so much you're willing to go above and beyond in the sack (4 or 5 times a week is a LOT for most couples, trust) and he loves you so much he's willing to squelch his desire for you to initiate, but resentment will build up eventually. On both sides.

What are these "old insecurities" of yours? Have you tried talking to a therapist?

Maybe this is something you can work through, or maybe (surprise!) you two are just not sexually compatible.

But please don't commit to Mr. Libido -- for life -- while you're "feeling like a failure as a woman." Please. A ring will not make everything all better.

Amours Boudin II by Fabian Souche

Please Help Me.

Dear ESB,

I never really thought I would ever be writing to you, but at this moment I feel so damn confused and don’t want my friends and family to weigh in because I’m embarrassed.

My husband and I have been together for about 6 years, married for 2. We met through work and quickly became BFFs... about 6 months into our friendship we started dating. He inspired me and made me feel amazing and I know I did the same for him.  

We, however, had very different sexual pasts. I wouldn’t say that I was ever promiscuous, I just had a much more varied sex life (toys, positions, frequency, oral etc.) and he had a much more vanilla sex life. In the beginning of our relationship we had a very healthy sex life, nothing really rocked my world, but the intimacy we shared was enough to make sex awesome nonetheless.

When we decided to move across country something changed. At this point it’s probably pertinent to mention that he is in incredible shape (like he is one of the most attractive men I’ve ever seen). I, on the other hand, have always been told I was beautiful, but began to put on some weight. I went from a size 6/8 to about 10/12 (about 15 lbs)... Now at this point our sex life screeches to a halt and I notice and start mentally freaking out. We just moved across country, this is my best friend what the FUCK is going on???   

Things started kind of slow - he would ask me if I had exercised at all when he got home from work, or he would start commenting on what I was eating. At first, I obliged him by answering because I thought he was merely curious... It became evident that curiosity wasn’t his motivation. Sensing he was having issues with the way that I looked - I brought it up and asked if the reason we weren’t being physical with one another was because I had gained weight... At first he denied it, but after several conversations over the next couple weeks he fessed up.

I tried to understand where he was coming from - he is in incredible shape, it makes sense that he would want his GF to take care of the way she looks. But then I started to get really fucking angry because I was feeling rejected and shitty. When we weren’t discussing sex, our relationship was/is great. We had fun, laughed, cuddled - but we weren’t being intimate. I can’t even count the number of times he and I had talked about it, but nothing really changed, things really just kept getting worse.

The constant criticism of what I put in my mouth or what I cooked or where we went for dinner continued, the sex was obsolete, and our friendship started to suffer. We blamed it on the move and the stress of our new careers, but the truth was I could handle all of that. What I couldn’t handle was feeling rejected and judged by the person I thought loved me for who I was. There is so much back story for why this was so hurtful to me and how paralyzed I felt, but seriously no one wants to read about my daddy issues...

Fast forward - he proposed, despite us having this very serious issue. I said yes, because I felt like everything else about him was amazing and perfect. We have been married two years.

We didn’t have sex on our wedding night. Or the next day. We have had sex less than 10 times in two years. We have fought like crazy (about this issue and ONLY this issue), and now I don’t know what to do.  

To be fair, I have gained a total of about 30 lbs at this point, have made no effort to diet and have no patience and snap at him for asking/talking/mentioning anything about my weight and/or food choices. And am generally more edgy, critical and angry.

Last week we had, what I thought to be, a constructive argument that ended in us both understanding how we played a role in what happened. I, however, have changed. And although I warned him several years ago that if he continued down this road - I was going to resent him and that I didn’t know if I would be able to forgive him - here we are. And now I am depressed and sad - I smoke pot daily to destress. I hate looking in the mirror. I binge eat. And some days I just want to die.

I love him. And despite most of your readers probably wanting me to shoot him in the face - he is a good man. He still makes me laugh, cuddles me, rubs my back and I can tell him almost anything - and in the last couple weeks he has really made an effort to stop being critical. But there is still no intimacy and now I don’t know how or if I should get it back.

He has stated that for all those years he viewed my resistance to getting into great shape as a slap in the face, because he demonstrates how important it is to him and stays in shape and that it felt like I wasn’t taking his needs and desires into consideration. I feel like it’s really important that I mention that because I do see the validity in that statement...

But another part of me wants to shake myself. At this point I can’t even think straight - I go from completely agreeing with him to wanting to slap myself for being so weak. It’s been so many years of promises broken in this regard, but the times when this isn’t being focused on things are OK, not amazing, but OK.

The shitty part is - I would really like to be in good shape again. I miss feeling beautiful and not because some guy was telling me I was.  

I wish I could live in the first years of our relationship again, because I miss him and I miss the comfort and safety I felt.  

Please help me. I am mortified - I don’t know what to do. Is my baggage making me hyper sensitive? Is it wrong that I still so desperately want him to want me? Why is this so taboo feeling?

Thanks for “listening” + sorry for the long email.  I didn't read it back, but I can't be crying at work right now.

*****

GET IN SHAPE.

Not for him, for you.

Swear off pot for a year, get in shape and get yourself to therapy. Talk through those "daddy issues" you didn't want to get into here. There's something else going on with you.

On the one hand, this guy is a dick for not wanting to sleep with you just because you've gained weight…. On the other hand, there is nothing less attractive than someone who is angry + depressed + binge-eating.

There's something else going on with you and you need to work it out. Once you're in a healthier place, you can decide if Mr. Incredible Shape is someone you actually want to be married to.

Sasha Pivovarova in Commes des Garçons by Peter Lindbergh for Numéro #67 (October 2005) via Catbird + fuckyeahcommedesgarcons

sometimes I want it from someone else.

Hey ESB,

I'm writing to you super anonymously because this whole topic makes me nervous. Well, more embarrassed than nervous.

I want to get other people's advice on fidelity.

I've been married for 2 years, and love my husband. He is freakishly smart, extremely compassionate, and is a seriously handsome devil. But sometimes I have dreams about other men. Not hot sex dreams (I wish), but dreams where another man "likes" me, we make eyes at each other, he's crazy about me but we don't touch, or he writes me love letters that drive me crazy, like cheesy Nicholas Sparks shit (I've never read any of his books, but admit I watched The Notebook). I wake up the next morning and wish my husband made me feel that same way that these anonymous men do in my dreams. Sometimes he does. God, this is embarrassing to even write out.

Back in reality, I occasionally have crushes. Most women do. But for the first time in years (my husband and I dated for 11 years before getting married), a crush reciprocated and asked me to hang out, standing a little too close for comfort. I stammered some nonsense about not being able to, but didn't say I was married. It was hard to spit those words out. I can't say I wasn't tempted to pretend I was not married. It feels so good to be wanted.

My husband is into me, loves me, tells me I'm sexy, grabs me out of the blue, but sometimes I want it from someone else.

How do other people deal with these feelings? Do you shove them way down inside and hope they go away? Do they think of other men when having sex with their husbands? Do they have affairs just to see what another man feels like? Can people flirt harmlessly?

I know I need to tell my crush I'm not available, but it's hard closing that door. The most selfish parts of me want to keep up the ruse for the attention, the affirmation, the thrill. Like I said, embarrassing.

Thoughts from the pack of snarky women out there? I appreciate all of your input and experience.

*****

I'm pretty sure I can safely say that 30-90% of married women have similar feelings at some time or another. Not just the crush part. The "sometimes I want it from someone else" part. Doesn't EVERYONE have those feelings at some point? Human beings weren't built to be monogamous.

That said, I don't recommend that you run out and have an affair. If you want to go down the monogamish road you need to discuss it with your husband and get his permission. You'll have to decide if the wanting-it-from-someone-else is, as Dan Savage would say, a "deal breaker" for you.*

The alternative is to flirt. And, yes, there's such a thing as harmless flirting. *Hot* harmless flirting, even, which can fuel your fantasy life and liven up the sex you're having with your husband. (Feel free to think of other men during that sex! Or to imagine your husband is a different, cheesy, Nicholas Sparks-y man.)

Again, just don't deceive or mislead anyone. You really do have to tell that guy you're married.

And now.... I'm eager to hear from the peanut gallery. I've enabled anonymous comments today, for obvious reasons.

Arnaud Lajeunie via Kroutchev Planet Photo via PCKSHT

______________________________

*Do you listen to Dan Savage? Everyone should listen to Dan Savage.

umm, did I miss the memo

Hey ESB

Soo, let me preface with the - I love your blog and never thought I'd be writing to you, but here am I.

My man and I have been together for 2.5 years and have begun (he has begun, not me) the discussions of marriage etc. In between trying to keep me from leaving the room, while he makes these noises, I have managed to establish the following :

 - he wants to get married sooner, rather than later
 - he'd like a couple of kids
 - he is not religious, but wants me to convert to his religion
 - I am not religious, but I don't want to convert for many varied reasons, I don't want kids, I am open to marriage

I have sinking feeling I know the answer to my issue. I possibly just want to hear from someone completely and utterly independent, because its going to suck big time doing this to someone I love, but if our ideas of the future are so different there doesn't seem to be a point in prolonging the agony.

Also, I'm Australian, white as a ghost, with very liberal parents and he is a Pakistani Muslim, with the world's most traditional family background. Although he is the black sheep of the fam, he is the oldest and I have watched him, since his father's death last year, slowly returning to traditional ways and values. We did have a super big argument a couple of months ago about the future, which ending with him saying "but my fucking family expect us to get married, you have to convert and do this."

Any thoughts, or should I keep hitting myself in the head while I try and keep studying for my law degree and working full time.

*****

Rip off the band-aid. (And soon.)

You and I both know this ain't gonna work.


Sojourner Morrell by Arnaud Pyvka for Marie Claire Italia March 2013 via Visual Optimism

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. And H got out of bed CRANKY. And I was ready to be all, fuck Valentine's day.

But then he made me my coffee and stirred the sugar in so thoroughly (like he always does) and heated the milk to just the right temperature and smiled at me and said "Good morning."

And that will do.





Photo by our own Peonies

Help! I changed my mind!

Dear ESB,

I'm a longtime reader and lurker.

How do I tell my partner of six years that I've changed my mind about marriage? I've been very against it, but now feel "ready." He wanted to get married (eventually) early in our relationship. However, I am certain that all my talk against it has not only convinced him it's something I'd never want, but also convinced him it's not something he wants either!

Something subtle but important has changed after our many years together. This "traditional" choice has crept up on me, and is now something I value and want to share together. I think it makes sense to make it "official" legally, and I'd even like to have a tiny wedding--or elope.  

What's the best way to approach him about my change of heart? I want to be fair and honest, but I am terrified of judgment and rejection after so many years of loud refusal on my part.

And, if we do, how do I tell everyone else? I feel a barrage of "I told you so"s coming.

Help!

Sincerely,
Formerly smug mindchanger

*****

Here's what you say to him: "Will you marry me?"

Here's what you say to everyone else: "We're getting married." (I hate to disappoint you, but no one will actually be that shocked.)

Photo by Imaginale via Caitlin

WTF should I do with my last name?

Dear ESB,

WTF should I do with my last name when I get married?

I've read some great posts over at APW about name changing which gave me some good ideas and opinions, but I still can't decide.

I'd love to see what your and your reader's thoughts on the subject are.

Options I’m considering:
-Keeping my name
-Changing my last to his & moving my last name to be part of my middle name
-Keep my name legal and go by his name publicly

Future baby name options:
-All have his last name
-Hyphenated
-One has my last name, one has his

He doesn’t want to change his name at all (which is understandable because his last name is awesome), so unfortunately we can’t go the route of making up a brand new one. He is also supportive of whatever decision I make.

Reasons to change it:
His last name is seriously awesome, my last name isn’t awesome, it’s easier on kids than hyphenating (which I’m not super stoked on anyway), I’m not super “established” in work/art, I love change/fresh starts & what’s the difference if I take one man’s name (FH) over another man’s (father)?

Reasons to keep it:
It’s MY name damn it, I feel like it’s “anti feminist” if I change it and mostly; I’m really proud of my family which is tiny and I feel like by changing my last name I’m leaving part of me behind (if that makes sense).

HALP.

-Ms. ?

*****

A few months after H and I got married, my 13-year-old niece stood next to me at H&M, watching me sign a credit card slip.*

"Wow, I guess you had to learn to sign your name all over again, huh?"

"Nope. I didn't change my name."

"You don't have to change your name?"

"Nope."

"You mean I could keep my name when I get married?"

"Yep."

She's got a great name. She should keep her name. And it blew my mind that she didn't even know this was an option.

I knew from the time I was little that I'd never change my name. I never even CONSIDERED IT. And it makes me crazy when a professed feminist (!) explains that she never liked her last name anyway and/or it was really important to her husband that she change it and/or she wants to have the same last name as her children (my mom and I have different names and WE SURVIVED!).

Makes me crazy.

It's 2013 and we're moving backwards.

Those are my thoughts.

Kirsten Owen in Comme des Garçons by Craig McDean for Visionaire 20 via Enid Hwang via Tosha Wynn
______________________________

*I believe I was buying her a pair of hot pink mittens. It was her first time at H&M! Not that anyone cares.

Marriage is not a walk in the park

Dear ESB,

I wrote to you a few months ago. You diagnosed me with "Post-Nuptial Know-It-All Syndrome" and I was cured that very instant. My friend is happily engaged and I am totally on board and happy about it. (and a little bit ashamed of my earlier behavior...).

But now... my own marriage is in trouble. Yes, Karma's a bitch...

My husband has a very stressful job, which he used to enjoy a lot. Until now. He lost a lot of weight from stressing and is always tired. If we meet up with friends that haven't seen him in a while, they all are worried. So am I. I thought he was just really stressed out about his job. But... he told me he is stressed out about everything. About life. 

Before marrying we talked about eventually buying a house and starting a family in the not so far future. But the not so far future is happening now and he is freaking out. About buying a house. About having children. About marrying me. About everything. He doesn't know what he wants and he keeps telling me "he doesn't know whose life he is leading." He has no idea what he wants to do and is just really losing it.

With every inch of my body I want to hold him and tell him everything is going to be all right. This man has helped me through the worst time of my life and has been my rock. But now that he's in trouble himself he doesn't let me near.

My heart tells me to hang on to him and to be near him and to never let go. But my head tells me to keep my distance. To let him figure it out. If he wants to work out these issues alone, then I should let him do that. If he wants to stay married and work it out together, then let's do it! But if not... then not.

What should I do? Listen to the heart or the head?

Oh boy, marriage is not a walk in the park...

*****

Lady, I am so so sorry you're going through this.

You have to let go. Give him space. (ALL THE SPACE HE FUCKING WANTS.)

Your husband seems to be having some kind of early-life crisis, and you can't help him through it. Not if he's telling you he's not sure he wants to be married.

Therapy might help. Meds might help. Quitting his job and moving to fucking Florida and becoming a surf bum might help. He needs to figure it out on his own.

In my experience, men take a lot of time to work through their shit. He'll either come back to you or he won't.... And that sucks. But clinging will only make you feel clingy and him feel suffocated.

Kelly Mittendorf by Tak Sugita for Razor Red Magazine via Fashion Gone Rogue

(The 2nd Annual) Dear ESB: Why do the holidays suck when you're married??

Dear ESB, 

How soon is too soon to make plans for the holidays, and what's the secret to making both families happy? This will my husband and my first holiday season as a married couple, and I'm concerned about setting some sort of precedent for how we spend future holidays with our families. I suppose we have it easy because our families are both driving distance from us-- his are 1.5 hours away, mine are 4.5. But they're in opposite directions, meaning a 6 hour drive if we want to go from his parent's house to my parent's house; sometimes much longer in Texas' good ol' stand-still holiday traffic.

Throughout our past 6 years of dating I've always done Thanksgiving with his family (because it's his grandparents' tradition to host, and we want to spend as much time as possible with them while we can), and we've parted ways to do Christmas day with our respective families. But last year we did Thanksgiving with his family, Christmas with mine, and then went back to his parents for the day after Christmas. We thought this would be okay, that we could switch it up next year to be fair, but it resulted with his mother crying about how she and FIL had to spend Christmas Day alone. I felt awful, but also offended. Because this was the ONE year in 6 that I'd pulled their son away for a holiday. And since they live closer to us, we see them ALL THE TIME. They drop in on weekends unannounced. They are constantly planning the next get family get-together. And, like I said, we always spend Thanksgiving with them. Which is all fine! I'm happy to spend time with them. But meanwhile, I RARELY see my family in comparison, partly because the drive is more considerable, and partly because my family just tends to get together less. We keep busy with our respective lives during the year, and then really value and make the most of those few days when we're all together; it's great. But my in-laws don't seem to realize that I have my own family.

After last year's tears and guilt, my husband and I thought, OK, next year we need to communicate with them better, and further in advance, to make sure they understand our holiday plans. But I guess we didn't think about it enough because while visiting his parents this past weekend, and while I was left alone with MIL, she asked me about our holiday plans. I was totally unprepared! And she didn't even ask the questions I expected: instead of just asking if we'd spend Christmas Day with them, she asked if we could leave the country and make a tropical beach vacation of it (which almost felt like bribery), and if it would bother my parents if we couldn't spend the actual day with them (wtf!), AND how many vacation days do I get from work per year, and how many had I used already? (clearly calculating how many days she could kidnap me!). I think my exact response to these questions was "Uhhhhh" and now I'm not sure how to proceed.

So, my very drawn out question is for you and your readers. I'm curious if most people split holidays down the middle, switching important days/ families each year to be completely fair. And if people are successfully coming up with a routine that is understood and accepted by both families. And if we really need to visit BOTH families for a single holiday, because good lord do I fear spending future holidays in the car….

PS, not only do I dread the very idea of telling my parent's we're ditching them for the tropics, but our in laws don't approve of drinking or really a lot of things and I feel like a long beach holiday with them might be too much for me!!

PPS, the tropical location that MIL wants to go to happens to be the same location that my husband recently visited for our honeymoon (which we paid for almost entirely on our own)! I have no idea if she intends to pay for this proposed Christmas trip or not, but regardless, why should they expect us to do it all over again with them!?

*****

Have you discussed this with your husband? Does HE want to go on the trip? It's perfectly acceptable for you to set ground rules, such as:

1. I'm willing to go away with your parents for 7 days max.

2. Never again will we visit both families for a single holiday.

And then he gets to enforce the rules with his mom. (Let her cry it out if she has to.) 

But, yeah. One of the biggest bummers about being married is that you don't just get to do what you want for the holidays. Whether or not your in-laws approve of drinking.

Photo by Paolo Roversi for Vogue Italia, March 2005 via Ananas à Miami
______________________________

I answered a similar question over here. The comments are quite good.

Ugh, holidays.

Hi, hoping your straight to the point advice can help me out on this one:

We've been married for 2 years, which makes this holiday season coming up our third go at the whole splitting up holidays thing, which is always painful. My family lives 2 hrs away, his is 45 minutes. We both love spending time with our immediate families, but I feel as though I do because my family actually has fun together and he does more out of obligation. Our first year, we did thanksgiving at his mom's and Christmas at mine. Then my dad passed away, so last year we did both holidays at my mom's house. Now, when I say "holiday," I'm referring to the actual day, we always see everyone, but it's the actual day of the holiday that gets us in fights.

So, here we are in 2011 - I want to be with my mom on thanksgiving and my sister has already invited us over for her to cook her first bird. He says it's not fair that we spend thanksgiving day with my family two years in a row. But since my dad passed, I feel like it's emotionally more important to be with my family for the actual holiday day than his.

What would you do here? Does anyone else out there have a hard time splitting up holidays between families?

*****

I was just ranting about this very problem.

H and I both have divorced parents, PLUS he's very close to his sister, who has her own complicated set of holiday obligations. Try splitting 2 holidays btwn 5 families who live all over the US + Canada.

I keep hoping one day we can just fucking stay home by ourselves.*

Anyhoo....

Regarding your dilemma. Because you spent both Thanksgiving and Christmas with your family last year, you should let your husband pick which holiday he wants to spend with his family in 2011.

You can be there for your mom without physically being there on THE ACTUAL HOLIDAY DAY. It's just a day. I promise.

And if you start trying to measure the emotional importance of being here or there, or (god forbid) get into it with your husb about whether or not his family "actually has fun together," you are really asking for trouble.

One more photo from Holly's wedding by Kristopher Orr

_______________________________

*Mom, Dad, anyone, if you are reading this, I totally don't mean that. L, K, T, L, we are so excited to be coming to Indiana for Xmas this year.

What does it take to make a marriage?

Dear ESB,

How do you know you have what it takes to make a marriage?

My guy and I have been together for a few years, live together, got a kitty, the works. We've recently been through a series of big changes (me graduating, us moving away from my country for my job, him struggling to find work in the new place), and were planning to get engaged when we'd settled in and he found a job.

However, out of nowhere I started having these big doubts. I felt so guilty and scared for a couple of days then did what I always do- I talked to my guy about it, thinking that we'd discuss things, he'd make me feel better and then I'd stop having doubts. I explained where my worries were coming from: that every time something bad happens (I've had a few family deaths early this year) he doesn't know how to support me because he almost always wants me to tell him what to do/say; when we have fights/issues we don't know how to compromise because he gets emotional and irrational, I get angry, and we end up fighting until we get sick of fighting and make up; when my depression is really bad he can't deal with it and gets angry because he does't know what to do. (I know that looks like I bombarded him with all that but I didn't). Anyway, he denied that there were any problems and changed the subject. Then I got angry and he got upset. We did sit down and talk like adults for a while but didn't get anywhere constructive and this morning he's pretending that nothing happened.

Despite all this, I keep telling myself that we've got this far and have been mostly happy, we've got through some really massive fights, so that must mean we have something to build on, right? And when things are good, they're really good. He's sweet and kind and funny. He's so good to me even when I don't deserve it. We have the same sense of humour and fun. My family adore him.

Is that a strong enough foundation to build on? Can we work through those problems or are our personalities when things are bad just never going to work?

I keep swinging between two thoughts: that maybe I'm just having a crisis because of all the big changes in our life recently; or that maybe all the upheaval has woken me up and made me realise we're not right for each other.

I want so much to make this work, I just don't know how (or even if we can) and I've not eaten for days because of all this stress. I really hope you can give me some wise married lady advice.

Love,
Hungry and confused.

PS sorry for the terrible grammar/punctuation. I really am very hungry.

*****

There is no magic formula for marriage, lady. You REALLY have to trust your gut.

In this case, I think your poor gut is talking loud and clear.

Photo by Jonathan Levitt

he doesn't want babies after all.

dearest esb,

I just wanted first of all to say thank you, and even though you are an evil club of mean, hipster brides, I have thought of you as my friends, inspiration and source of much merriment in the last three or so years of my engagement... 

and here we get to the tricky part. My FH and I are parting ways. We are still very much in love and respect each other deeply, however, FH, or maybe I should say NFH (no-longer future husband), has decided he does not want babies after all. Which is something I can not compromise on in the least... This does in a way, make the whole decision a little easier... I mean it is not as if you can strike a balance and have half a baby.... but it does not make it any less complicated having to picture a life with out the soul mate I thought I would spend the rest of my life with... 

I try super tremendously hard to maintain a positive spin on this ... I am planning like a mo-fo... trips to Paris; a change of town; lots of galleries, wine bars and society after moving to a tiny Australian town with the man. But it is hard; hard to laugh when my awesome older brother tells me he's getting engaged to his amazing girl... difficult to keep smiling when the students at my school keep asking me when the wedding is and where their invites are (super sweet really)... tremendously complicated when I think of the plans and decisions we had made... (we had named our first born son in hypothetical land and talked about all of this before anyone thinks this was rushed into or glossed over.. the decision was recent and out of the blue..) 

and I could probably list one hundred or so more instances that make me falter in my daily flight, but it is not hard to visit ESB and giggle. In fact it is a daily check for me during some down time at work. I love the outrageous responses and questions. I like the catharsis and acerbic wit, the vicarious joy of yay or naying. It is one of the few survivors of what is at best a time of vast change and growth... and it does give me pause to keep looking ahead, yeah that dress is funky and flash, and there may be a day when I'm looking again, and to be honest to myself I hope so. 

So thank you for the smiles and glimpses of new

*****

Lady, I'm so proud of you. Both of you.

There would be fewer divorces if everyone did this kind of soul-searching before they tied the knot.

xoxoxxxxx.

Tiny Vipers by David Belisle via Claire Cottrell via jen causey
______________________________

Incidentally, did you guys see the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy on Thurs? I shouted at my TV: "THANK YOU, SHONDA!" when they depicted (onscreen, on network TV!) a strong, successful, married woman choose to put her feet up in the stirrups and have an abortion rather than carry to term a child she didn't want.

Her decision was of course complicated by the fact that her husband did want kids (something they didn't discuss before they got married).

Anyhoo.

Review(ish): Spousonomics

Two months ago, I was in the middle of a ridiculous snit about dirty dishes when I landed on this essay in the New York Times.

Jenny Anderson wrote: "I used to take the fairness temperature of my relationship every day. Were we splitting the chores? Were our careers progressing equitably or was I being shortchanged because I relieved the nanny more? If I picked up his socks today, would he expect me to pick them up forever?"

WAS SHE INSIDE MY HEAD?

I immediately wrote to Random House and asked if they would send me a review copy of Spousonomics, the new book Anderson has written with Paula Szuchman.

It's a revelation.

Anderson and Szuchman frame ten different marital dilemmas in economic terms, demonstrating, for example, through the principle of Division of Labor, how it isn't economical for two people in a relationship to divide the household chores down the middle. Instead, if each person does the chores she is most efficient at, everybody benefits.

So. I have faced the fact that I'm a more efficient dish-doer than H.* And I've realized how much stuff he does around the house (gardening, plumbing, endless car + computer maintenance) that I never counted as "housework."

I've also learned (from the Incentives chapter) that if I trust H instead of nagging him, he will actually do the dishes or make dinner or go to the grocery store a lot more often. HALLELUJAH!

If you are engaged or married or IN A RELATIONSHIP, you need to read this book.**

My only complaint is that Anderson and Szuchman try a little too hard to be hip. Or flip? They repeat the phrase "Exhaustive, Groundbreaking, and Very Expensive Marriage Survey" no fewer than thirteen times in the book, which is exhausting.
______________________________

*Please don't tell him I said that.

**It's not all about dishes, I promise. There's plenty of sex in there too.

Why can't we just move forward?

Dear ESB,

I am having a bit of a quandry. Actually, it is a pretty huge issue. I am in love with and have been dating my BF for nearly eight years now. We really enjoy each other's company and he really makes me laugh (the sex is great too!). However, I want to get married, and though we have discussed it many times, I am starting to think it may not happen. There seem to be a few, er, "roadblocks" in the way, for lack of a better term.

First off, my BF is Italian, and his parents are immigrants who speak little English. They have very traditional beliefs and don't want us living together before marriage. Right now I usually only see my BF once a week, because he lives at the other end of the city and works from home (he lives in his parent's basement). I have met his parents (though it took him three years to finally introduce me to them) and they seem to like and accept me, but still, I would like us to keep moving forward. Also, there is the catholic thing. I am not religious, and my BF isn't particularly devout either, but his parents insist that we must get married in a catholic church (which means I have to become catholic). I honestly can't see myself doing that, but if that's what I have to do, so be it.

Now the problems that are really bothering me. We are trying to save money for our own house. Our plan is that we will buy a house, then get married, and then move into it together (I will live there by myself before). Great, right? Well, we aren't anywhere near having enough money for the down payment and I haven't seen any sign that he is going to propose. Our friends have been harassing him to buy a ring and propose to me for about five years now; I even had my best friend tell him exactly what style of ring I like. But nothing. I suppose he probably thinks buying a ring is just money that would be better put into the house fund, but still, it's the gesture that counts, isn't it? Each holiday and birthday and long weekend goes by and nothing. And I only see him on weekends. We've never actually spent more than a couple of consecutive days together. When I think of this, I feel really frustrated and upset.

Why can't we just move forward? He is a wonderful, funny, caring guy and I love him and want to be with him. I am trying to be really, really patient and understanding and not nag, but at this point I feel helpless. I'm nearly 35 now and at this rate I doubt I will be married in time to have kids and do the things we have always dreamed of.

Please tell me what to do; should I just enjoy him for who he is and have faith and be more patient?

Thanks,
Elusive Dreams

*****

Cut your losses and move on. You've been WAY TOO PATIENT already.

(Glen Luchford for Vogue Italia October 2008 via Gaile Guevara)

How do I know if he's the one?

Dear ESB,

I feel nuts writing to you, but I am desperately in need of some real perspective, and I think you are awesome.

I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. We are not engaged, but we treat each other like life partners, we talk kids, we talk wedding - all in that way like it's so obvious that we're doing those things. We are both broke and don't want to be engaged forever trying to save for a wedding, so we are saving up now and trying to pay off debt. But like I said, we are not *actually* engaged.

Okay, here is my problem. How do you know if someone is *the one*? All of my engaged/married friends say things like "you just know when you know." But, really? Will I "just know"? I have over-thought (i.e. obsessed over) every single major decision I have ever made in my life - from what schools to go to, what to study, what dresses to wear to parties, how to phrase emails (I guess that's not a "major" decision) - you get the idea. I have obsessed over our relationship, but I do not know if he is "the one." Maybe you can help, because I'm not getting any younger here.

BF is sweet and fun. When we go grocery shopping, he always carries all of the groceries, unless it is humanly impossible to do so. He understands me and he is really supportive. I can't imagine living with anyone else. But how do I know if that stuff is real, or if it is just the product of having lived together for so long? Because also when he is angry he slams doors really loudly or hits the wall, which I really, really hate. And he does really annoying impressions - like, the worst. And he always forgets to call me if he is going to get home from work later than usual, or if he decides to have a quick beer with his buddies. The last time we went to visit my parents, he read the paper all through lunch instead of engaging them in conversation. And if suddenly there was a nuclear war, and all of my best girlfriends disappeared, and it was just me and him, I wouldn't be completely happy. He just doesn't fill every need. And our brains do not match up 100%. For example, I always want to talk about why characters in movies do the things they do, and BF just wants to watch the movies and not analyze them. Also, his mom is bat-sh*t crazy, and I am pretty sure I will never feel close to her - aren't you supposed to feel so warm and fuzzy about your FMIL? Aren't you supposed to want to plan the wedding with her? Her taste is the polar opposite of mine. Finally, no one in BF's family has a college degree, and neither does he (but he works in a creative field, so it doesn't really matter), but my family is super degree-oriented. Is that crap important? Does it matter if his parents and mine don't become friends? Aren't we supposed to come from the same town, and have gone to the same schools, and our parents supposed to be in bridge club together? That is how all my friends' relationships are and they all seem really happy. I just don't know.

I'm sure I sound super annoying, but can you give me a hit of obvious? Am I in one of those relationships where people from the outside go "what are they thinking?" I just really don't want to be wasting our time. If this clearly isn't going to work, I want to cut and run so that I can start looking for that effing "you just know when you know" guy.

- Crazytown

P.S. I also have just started Law School after years and years in the working world, so that is not helping.

*****

No single item on your laundry list sounds like a deal-breaker.

But the fact that you've MADE a laundry list makes me think you don't really want to marry this guy.

(Photo by Terry Tsilois for Muse 2010 via Vain and Vapid)

I'm not f*ing catholic!

Dear ESB-

So my question deals with our wedding but also the future in general.  I am not one of those girls who has always dreamed about my wedding and has everything down to a T, but I did know I wanted to get married outside and I didn’t want to have a religious ceremony.  Enter my fiancé who happens to come from a large catholic family.  When we got engaged it was just assumed by everyone in his family that we would have a catholic wedding, even though they know I am not catholic.  Even family members who eloped were then pressured to have a catholic wedding afterwards.  Shortly after getting engaged, I agreed to have a catholic wedding  (I was still in the dreaminess of being engaged and feeling generous), which I have come to regret.  A catholic wedding is not that important to my husband but is very important to his family, a nonreligious ceremony is very important to me. I feel resentful because my fiancé has pressed for what is more important to his family than important to me.

Fast forward, I am now thinking about the future since part of getting married in a catholic church is agreeing to raise your kids catholic.  I know his parents are going to ask we baptize our kids and raise them catholic and then send them to catholic school, I feel like fiancé will side with what is important to them and not to me and I will come off like a frigid bitch.  Even though kids are far off into the future this concerns me since I have always wanted to educate my kids about different religions and let them make a choice that best suits them.  What really gets under my skin is recently we were lectured about how we should really go to catholic church more often and I wanted to say “I’m not f*ing catholic!”

My fiancé says I should concentrate on the present and not the future.  I say it would be stupid to get married without looking at our future.  I am just afraid I will always have to take a back seat to him and his family.  I almost get the sense they feel entitled to have things go their way or their way is the only way.  I guess I am not really sure what I am asking but has anyone else experienced and had things worked out, any recommendations?  Should we work this out before we get married, should I have something in the prenup?  Should I just suck it up and give in. I have no clue.

-Nonreligious bride

Ps. I should mention we have talked about this many times with no resolution. Me basically stating what I want and him stating "I guess we will wait and see"

*****

You have got to work this out before you get married.

If your FH is not willing to stand up for you now, good fucking luck getting him to stand up for you five years from now.

(Photo by Wendy Bevan for Marie Claire Italia via TaHe via Fashion Gone Rogue)