Why can't we just move forward?

Dear ESB,

I am having a bit of a quandry. Actually, it is a pretty huge issue. I am in love with and have been dating my BF for nearly eight years now. We really enjoy each other's company and he really makes me laugh (the sex is great too!). However, I want to get married, and though we have discussed it many times, I am starting to think it may not happen. There seem to be a few, er, "roadblocks" in the way, for lack of a better term.

First off, my BF is Italian, and his parents are immigrants who speak little English. They have very traditional beliefs and don't want us living together before marriage. Right now I usually only see my BF once a week, because he lives at the other end of the city and works from home (he lives in his parent's basement). I have met his parents (though it took him three years to finally introduce me to them) and they seem to like and accept me, but still, I would like us to keep moving forward. Also, there is the catholic thing. I am not religious, and my BF isn't particularly devout either, but his parents insist that we must get married in a catholic church (which means I have to become catholic). I honestly can't see myself doing that, but if that's what I have to do, so be it.

Now the problems that are really bothering me. We are trying to save money for our own house. Our plan is that we will buy a house, then get married, and then move into it together (I will live there by myself before). Great, right? Well, we aren't anywhere near having enough money for the down payment and I haven't seen any sign that he is going to propose. Our friends have been harassing him to buy a ring and propose to me for about five years now; I even had my best friend tell him exactly what style of ring I like. But nothing. I suppose he probably thinks buying a ring is just money that would be better put into the house fund, but still, it's the gesture that counts, isn't it? Each holiday and birthday and long weekend goes by and nothing. And I only see him on weekends. We've never actually spent more than a couple of consecutive days together. When I think of this, I feel really frustrated and upset.

Why can't we just move forward? He is a wonderful, funny, caring guy and I love him and want to be with him. I am trying to be really, really patient and understanding and not nag, but at this point I feel helpless. I'm nearly 35 now and at this rate I doubt I will be married in time to have kids and do the things we have always dreamed of.

Please tell me what to do; should I just enjoy him for who he is and have faith and be more patient?

Thanks,
Elusive Dreams

*****

Cut your losses and move on. You've been WAY TOO PATIENT already.

(Glen Luchford for Vogue Italia October 2008 via Gaile Guevara)

Should I propose to him?

Dear E.S.B.

Ok so here’s the thing. I’m thinking of proposing to him. Not proposing in the traditional sense, because we both already know we’re going to get married some day. He asked me years ago, and with the joy of being young and in love, what else would I say but yes? The more interesting thing is though, that we’ve stayed together for 7 years since, through lots of various drama – moving countries, moving in together, moving cities, taking jobs in different cities from each other to do work we both really wanted to do. And we know this is it. He’s my best friend in the whole world – he’s my family – I can always trust him, and that’s been hard for me to learn.

And I know not to expect a traditional proposal from him, since we’ve agreed to spend the rest of our lives together already (even though a tiny bit of my girly heart sort of wants a romantic re-proposal, and the rest of my independent, egalitarian, feminist self hates that!) So last night I thought, well, what about it? I could make the romantic proposal thing happen – I could do it! Instead of the usual ‘will you marry me’ though (because I know he will, sometime) it would be a proposal to start actively planning a wedding (and maybe calling ourselves engaged, because we haven’t done that).

But there are a few things to consider. In my head, I was sort of waiting until we both got jobs in the same city before getting married (we’re both academics in the same-ish field and live in a small country which doesn’t have a lot of universities). And then I thought, well, that might never happen. Or maybe it might happen sooner if we did get married – either way, no point in waiting for it. So then, it became about waiting until we both got more permanent jobs before getting married – because we’d feel more secure, and we’d have the funds to throw a good party, and also in a permanent contract there’s more room to negotiate working from home etc, which we’d do so we could live together. And a few weeks ago, I landed a high-profile job in my university, which will probably be made permanent.

He, however, is finishing up a one-year contract in a different university, and has an interview this week for a permanent job in a university in another country. He’s not sure if he wants to take it if he gets offered it, because a 3 year contract is coming up (which he’d have to fight for, and might not get) in the university he works in now, and he’d prefer to stay here (he’s a bit of a homebird and also feels his work is taken more seriously here). So if I propose starting to plan a wedding, and he doesn’t want to, because of the uncertainty about his job, will I have ruined my chance of making this ‘proposal’? He might feel like he’s disappointed me by asking to wait, so should I just wait now until things are more certain for him?

The thing that’s kind of lit a fire under me about this is that we’re going to Paris next weekend – a sort of slightly belated 7 year anniversary present to ourselves (we were a bit too frazzled with work stuff when the actual anniversary did arrive, and it’s a bit of a fiction anyway since there was a very blurred line between friendship and relationship which we danced for a while). Though the location might sound corny, we both love France in general and Paris in particular (the holy trinity of wine, cheese and raspberry tarts) and this trip is going to be a much-needed holiday for both of us, so it might be a good time to broach the subject, when we’re relaxed and can consider things calmly. I was even thinking about asking him in Les Deux Magots where Joyce, Hemingway, Sartre and de Beauvoir used to hang out (maybe a bit cheesy, but I’m not sure I care). Today, I bought a very lovely but simple watch which I’m thinking of giving him when I ask as a symbol of the gesture, but might just give it to him either way, as an anniversary present.

So do you think I should do it? In Paris, kitsch, and all? Or should I wait until things are more certain (career-wise) for us? Part of me thinks that if he gets offered the new job while/before we’re in Paris, then I’d definitely ask, because a) I’d like to remind him that I’m in this for the long haul, even if we’re living in different countries (again) for a while, and b) if he takes the job, that might be the security he needs to say yes to starting to plan a life together, even if it’s not his first choice of job location. But then, if he does get offered it while/before we’re in Paris, and hasn’t made up his mind, am I just throwing another decision at him, which might complicate his decision about the job? I might be over-thinking it. Your sane, snappy advice is always appreciated (sorry for the super-long email).

Nervously Excited in Europe

*****

Do it.

Duh.

(WE ARE EXPERIENCED by Danielle Levitt via Charles Hall via Fucking Young!)

How to propose to your boyfriend

With Valentine's Day fast approaching, I am getting the urge to propose to my long time boyfriend. We have talked about getting married, and are sure we are to each other. It's just that time. How did you propose to H-town? What made you take the initiative, instead of waiting for him to do so?

*****

Um. First of all, F*CK VALENTINE'S DAY. Saccharine, rose-petal strewn proposal stories always make me barf. (I know what you're thinking: What doesn't make her barf?) But February? February is a terrific time to propose. Peonies's thoroughly unsentimental, utterly adorable story about the "unremarkable day" in February when she proposed to The Boy gets me every time.

My story is a little less adorable. I wasn't actually planning to propose. But, you see, H-town had proposed a month earlier and I failed to give him a proper answer.

He said, "Will you marry me?" Out of the blue, mind you. The man wasn't holding a ring. Thank god.

And I said, "Don't make fun of me."

So he said it again. "Will you marry me?"

And I said, "The next time you say that you better mean it." And I waited for him to say it again. I waited a whole month.

And then... I dunno, I just blurted it out one night. "Will you marry me?" I wasn't holding a ring, or a bracelet, or even a fucking card. But he said yes. Thank god.

(Photo of none other than The Boy himself by Peonies.)