another dress request

Dear East Side Bride, 

My best friend is coming to visit me in New York (from Glasgow) and I'm convinced he is the love of my life. 

In the last two years that I've known him, he's been my very best friend; he fell in love with me while living with his live in girlfriend and soon his feelings were reciprocated. After a messy night, he broke up with his girlfriend and he and I realized that this feeling we shared, regardless of how young we were, was something uncommon that was meant to be seized. 

I have since left England (after completing my BA at the school we both went to in London) and he has been kicking ass at his job in Glasgow. He is coming to visit in three week and I want to propose. Despite a history of disenchantment and cynicism, I know he is the man that I not only want to spend my life with, but is the only person I can see myself having children and growing old with. 

That being said, I think we will be having a city hall wedding in NYC (my hometown where I currently work) and I want a killer dress. I've never been much for ceremony but I want to look good at the casual event that will be our wedding date. I'm tall and a size 4 and love structural, unusual pieces and have about $800 to spend. Asking for help from you and your diligent readers in finding the perfect dress. You always seem spot on. 

Love, 
Unexpected young bride

*****

GRAB SOME WOOD THERE BUB

Right now you should be concentrating on having lots and lots of sex with this guy. Maybe dipping your toe into *living together.*

Marriage isn't going anywhere. Marriage will still be there in a year or two (or FOUR) if you still feel the same way.

Michelle Williams by Willy Vanderperre for AnOther Magazine Spring/Summer 2013 via Visual Optimism

Do I tell my parents we're getting engaged?

Dear ESB,

I am planning to propose to my boyfriend in about a month. I'm buying him a gun that he's always wanted (I figure gun is his equivalent of a ring -- expensive, shiny and pretty much useless for anything other than having his guy friends drool over it), I got his mom to go in on it with me and get the ring he was planning to give to me (someday, I'm not ruining any elaborate plans on his part...I hope...well, no it would be ok if I am because we're one of those competitive couples and it would make him SO MAD & also happy that I beat him to the punch) sized. I'm planning a mountain-top proposal after an airsoft game we're attending in early November, I have a photographer lined up, it's perfect for us.

Here's the thing though, we're also planning on moving in together at the end of the month. Now, my parents are mid-range conservative Christians who live very far away and are NOT ok with us moving in together. I am struggling with whether or not to tell them that we're going to get engaged in November because I really don't want to share that information until after it happens to avoid any family pressure or weird expectations or jokes that make me feel terrible or anything like that. I want no negative feelings associated with this engagement. But I know if I tell them we're getting engaged they will feel 50% better about us living together. They will feel 100% better once we're married. They would honestly rather have me live with a random stranger than with my boyfriend before we're married. So, help. 

I also don't want them to be so mad about us living together that they're not happy about the engagement.

Thanks!

*****

Don't jinx yourself and/or spoil the surprise by telling your parents you're planning to get engaged.

If you're going to live your own life, you might as well start now.

(No idea what to say about the gun thing. You're awesome? Or: YIKES.)

Tati Cotliar by Jason Kibbler for Twin #5 via Fashion Gone Rogue

Should I propose to him?

Dear E.S.B.

Ok so here’s the thing. I’m thinking of proposing to him. Not proposing in the traditional sense, because we both already know we’re going to get married some day. He asked me years ago, and with the joy of being young and in love, what else would I say but yes? The more interesting thing is though, that we’ve stayed together for 7 years since, through lots of various drama – moving countries, moving in together, moving cities, taking jobs in different cities from each other to do work we both really wanted to do. And we know this is it. He’s my best friend in the whole world – he’s my family – I can always trust him, and that’s been hard for me to learn.

And I know not to expect a traditional proposal from him, since we’ve agreed to spend the rest of our lives together already (even though a tiny bit of my girly heart sort of wants a romantic re-proposal, and the rest of my independent, egalitarian, feminist self hates that!) So last night I thought, well, what about it? I could make the romantic proposal thing happen – I could do it! Instead of the usual ‘will you marry me’ though (because I know he will, sometime) it would be a proposal to start actively planning a wedding (and maybe calling ourselves engaged, because we haven’t done that).

But there are a few things to consider. In my head, I was sort of waiting until we both got jobs in the same city before getting married (we’re both academics in the same-ish field and live in a small country which doesn’t have a lot of universities). And then I thought, well, that might never happen. Or maybe it might happen sooner if we did get married – either way, no point in waiting for it. So then, it became about waiting until we both got more permanent jobs before getting married – because we’d feel more secure, and we’d have the funds to throw a good party, and also in a permanent contract there’s more room to negotiate working from home etc, which we’d do so we could live together. And a few weeks ago, I landed a high-profile job in my university, which will probably be made permanent.

He, however, is finishing up a one-year contract in a different university, and has an interview this week for a permanent job in a university in another country. He’s not sure if he wants to take it if he gets offered it, because a 3 year contract is coming up (which he’d have to fight for, and might not get) in the university he works in now, and he’d prefer to stay here (he’s a bit of a homebird and also feels his work is taken more seriously here). So if I propose starting to plan a wedding, and he doesn’t want to, because of the uncertainty about his job, will I have ruined my chance of making this ‘proposal’? He might feel like he’s disappointed me by asking to wait, so should I just wait now until things are more certain for him?

The thing that’s kind of lit a fire under me about this is that we’re going to Paris next weekend – a sort of slightly belated 7 year anniversary present to ourselves (we were a bit too frazzled with work stuff when the actual anniversary did arrive, and it’s a bit of a fiction anyway since there was a very blurred line between friendship and relationship which we danced for a while). Though the location might sound corny, we both love France in general and Paris in particular (the holy trinity of wine, cheese and raspberry tarts) and this trip is going to be a much-needed holiday for both of us, so it might be a good time to broach the subject, when we’re relaxed and can consider things calmly. I was even thinking about asking him in Les Deux Magots where Joyce, Hemingway, Sartre and de Beauvoir used to hang out (maybe a bit cheesy, but I’m not sure I care). Today, I bought a very lovely but simple watch which I’m thinking of giving him when I ask as a symbol of the gesture, but might just give it to him either way, as an anniversary present.

So do you think I should do it? In Paris, kitsch, and all? Or should I wait until things are more certain (career-wise) for us? Part of me thinks that if he gets offered the new job while/before we’re in Paris, then I’d definitely ask, because a) I’d like to remind him that I’m in this for the long haul, even if we’re living in different countries (again) for a while, and b) if he takes the job, that might be the security he needs to say yes to starting to plan a life together, even if it’s not his first choice of job location. But then, if he does get offered it while/before we’re in Paris, and hasn’t made up his mind, am I just throwing another decision at him, which might complicate his decision about the job? I might be over-thinking it. Your sane, snappy advice is always appreciated (sorry for the super-long email).

Nervously Excited in Europe

*****

Do it.

Duh.

(WE ARE EXPERIENCED by Danielle Levitt via Charles Hall via Fucking Young!)

A lady proposes

Dear ESB-

My partner and I have a deal that I have to be the one to propose. (When he brought it up the first time, he claims I almost fell off a bar stool trying to get away. I think this is an exaggeration.) We've looked at rings already and I decided I only want to wear a single band in the long term, probably one of these.

But I'd like to have something with which to propose. I'm not a diamond solitaire kind of girl, so I've been looking mostly at non-wedding jewelry. I liked the idea of the dior oui ring, but it is a little too expensive for what is essentially a placeholder. My partner has an incredible sense of style so I want it to be awesome... sleek, modern, and awesome. Any ideas?

*****

Wait. If you're the one doing the proposing, shouldn't you be picking out a ring for HIM??






(That said, my old favorite melting love ring has the oui ring beat by a mile. Maybe you should get his + hers.)

p.s. happy valentine's, you guys.

On "stealing thunder"

Dear ESB –

My boyfriend of seven years wants to get married. He has wanted this for a while. I’m on the fence mainly because I want to have a big party and right now we don’t have the time/money. He really wants to get married right now and would do it at city hall tomorrow. I’m thinking about proposing to him, which would be a huge surprise, and do a secret wedding on our anniversary on May 9th.

The problem… my cousin is getting married and having a big wedding in June. Would it be a dick move to get married before her? Would it steal her thunder? Thoughts??

*****

Who gives a shit? DO IT.

(Image via Clara Spencer-Phillips via Wildfox Couture)

If I were proposing to my boyfriend (again)*

I'd do it with this gold id bracelet from laura lobdell (filed under "five easy pieces").

The silver guitar pick is pretty rad too. But promise you won't give it to him unless he knows his way around a guitar.

Wait.... Now I'm confused. Would it be cooler if he's never been anywhere near a guitar? You tell me.

*Not that I would want to go back and change the messy, spontaneous way it happened.