AAAAARgh the Catholic guilt is killing me!!!!!

Dear ESB,

I'm a long time reader and lurker, and right now I need someone with lady balls to get some sense in my head...

My super boyfriend proposed to me last year in February and being the lazy asses that we are, we just enjoyed being engaged for almost a year without planning anything in particular.

Fast forward to July last year when I moved to switzerland for a new job and we started to think about planning everything so we could get married and he could come and meet me (he'd need a visa to stay here for more than 3 months, and I have one, so if we're married he gets one visa just like mine).

Ok, fast forward to Christmas, and still no concrete planing (did i mention we're lazyasses?). We decided that we'd want to get married either in June or August, depending on the dates the priest we  want to marry us have available. We talk to the guy and he tells us that he'll get back to us on the dates. So we waited for the super cool priest (yes, they are rare but they do exist) to get back to us, and when he finally did in the beginning of January we were so happy that he had one of the dates available in June (yay date set, check!).

That evening, after I skyped my mom to tell her the great news (the priest dude is the same one who officiated her wedding to dad) and after she was totally thrilled her sister (and my godmother) calls me... And here's where all the drama begins...

We were talking about normal things when she asked me what were the developments in the wedding department, and I told her "hey, great news! We spoke to the super cool priest dude and we have a date!" And she tells me "oh yes?" and I told her "yes, 29th of June, isn't that great?" And she just answered "oh, that's just fantastic. So you schedule those things without asking anybody else?" and hung up almost immediately.

I was completely struck by this, as I didn't even think that I was supposed to 'ask permission' to set my own wedding date, and suddenly started to feel like one of those bridezillas you see on tv.

So this was just a little over a month ago and we haven't talked since (apart from an email I sent her on the day that followed our skype conversation to which she hasn't responded).

And the drama ensued… All my family (except from my awesome parents) think that it is me who should call her and 'apologize' and ask her to be my wedding godmother (a catholic equivalent of a MOH, since we don't have the MOH/Best Man tradition).

The thing is, I don't really want her to be my wedding godmother just because she's supposed to be 'by tradition.' She *never* *ever* *ever* sounded minimally happy when we spoke wedding stuff (not even when I told her I was engaged). She asked me over and over again if I'm sure of what I'm doing because men are terrible hard work and boring as hell. She gave shit to my mom because we went (me and mom) check out wedding dresses and didn't give her a call or sent pictures (I found my dress for about $500 in the 1st store we entered but the clerk wouldn't let us take a picture). She kept saying that we're rushing into this (I'm 26, he's 29, we've been together for 4 and a half years, and this is not a rash decision).

All considering, I do not want this woman to be my witness at the wedding, because frankly she seems to be bothered by it.

As I said earlier, all my family think I should be the one to bury the hatchet and give her a call, because they think I owe her a lot. I lived with her for a few years during college and she was of great help when it came to find my first job. All of which I am very grateful for, and all of which I have thanked her during the course of our relationship. I just don't think that a wedding is a place to 'settle debts.'

Shit, what should I do, oh wise one? Everyone is f*cking pressuring me to do something I'm really not comfortable right now (and don't know if I'll ever be), and they're all Catholic guilting me! This is supposed to be a happy time, and has been, in a way but not totally because of this crap.

Sorry for the overly long e-mail, but I've been stewing in my own juices (does that sound dirty?) for a month and really need a perspective from somebody from the outside.

Best,
AAAAARgh.........!!!!!

Ps- the rest of the planning is going really well, we already have a venue, photographers, wedding bands and the priest, yay!

Ps2 - I forgot to say that my mom is actually hurting with all this situation, because my aunt is her only sister, and i'm her only daughter. I guess in her head, the day of my wedding would include her sister as my 'godmother'. Still she's hurting but not pressuring, which is kind of sweet.

Ps3 - Again, sorry, this aunt of mine is an overbearing member of our family. If everything is not made to accommodate her desires she'll throw a tantrum (of silent treatment, but still a tantrum). I mean, she doesn't eat mammals or duck, and if we're all have dinner in grandma's house and there's roast beef for everybody and turkey for her or whatever, she'll give us all shit because we're eating 'smart animals.' That kind of thing.

*****

First off, it IS good practice to run your date by the VIPs before you lock it (mom, dad, best man + maid of honor, wedding godmother?? anyone you have to have there on the day). Whether or not your godmother counts as a 'VIP' is clearly up for 'debate.'

I can't tell you what to do.

Basically, you have to decide which is worse: 1) sucking it up and asking the a*hole to be your witness, or 2) dealing with the Catholic guilt for the rest of your life.

Photo: Ben Toms for AnOther Magazine
______________________________

I already have a catholic guilt tag!! I love me sometimes.

Not the dress of my dreams...

Dear East Side Bride,

caution: lots of Catholic guilt to follow.

Evening garden wedding is in 5 months and my grandfather is critically ill in his final stages of cancer. I moved my wedding to my hometown of Miami to make it easier for the older generation to attend, and am crossing my finger so that they all make it.

Don Mario (Lilo to his grandchildren) is the quintessential grumpy old man. As far as I can tell, he only likes his mini-Daschund, Rambo (which had to find a new home a few months ago), reciting poetry at dinner parties, and his orchid garden, which he can no longer tend to. Everything else under the sun, he hates. Quite sure that he has never told me he loves me, but know that deep down in that old Cuban heart of his, he does. I am, after all, the youngest daughter of his deceased [only] son. 

I was told about a few weeks ago that he cries whenever the subject of my wedding comes up because he thinks he will not be able to make it. Lilo, crying? I was completely shocked. And also surprised by the sadness it brought up in me.

Cut to me visiting him in the hospital room last week. First and only words, "Did you try on THE dress?" What dress? "Your cousin's dress. It will look so beautiful on you...your uncle told me you can have it. I heard they paid $16,000!"

Followed-up by a phone call from my aunt an hour later, describing said "Vera Wang" dress and how I had to go try it on that weekend.

So kind and gracious of them all, no? On goes the dress, my mother, aunt, cousin all ooohing and aaahhing, and I am freaking the fuck out because I look like a bride. The ivory lace dress (not Wang, but L’Hullier) is quite beautiful. Something Grace Kelly would have worn. And to Lilo's credit, it fits like a glove. But it is incredibly traditional, and just not the dress I would have chosen for myself. I pictured something short, vintage, silver, I don't know, ANYTHING but long and white and lace.

I agree with you that it is obnoxious to have a wardrobe change mid-game, but should an exception be made in this case? I wear the dress for 30 minute ceremony and swap it for a more glamorous party dress that is more me? Am I a total brat for not jumping for joy at a free (beautiful) dress or am I not being true to myself if I actually go through with wearing it? Or both?

xoxo
Torn

p.s. already going against family wishes by outdoor v. church ceremony...

*****

Fuck that dress.

It belonged to your cousin?

Bambi Northwood-Blyth by Tierney Gearon for 10 Magazine via because im addicted via Studded Hearts