What if some people don't "just know"?

Hi, ESB. 

I'm writing with a quandary that's been rolling around in my head for a while. I'm in a great relationship. He is supportive, funny, kind, handsome and all of that. We have a relationship well founded in trust and support- no questions there. We've been together for five years and have shared a home for most of that time.

Of course conversations eventually turn into questions about marriage. It isn't a huge "must do" for either of us. I would at some point like to have a celebration of love and families coming together but nothing even close to the whole cupcake-bride-with-a-big-expensive-string-of-events.

A week ago we had a really good but hard and honest conversation. We both admitted that we see so much compatibility but lament a sometimes meh sex life and aren't entirely sure if we are each other’s "the one.” We both expressed our frustration about not knowing and anxiety about whether we are the kind of people that ever might "just know.” A lot of people say they had that feeling before getting married. And I'm sure for some people it is true, but isn't there also a leap of faith a bit? If we were to break up would we just be throwing the baby out with the bath water? I've never been one to believe that marriage is the final destination or an easy time. Inevitably there are things you compromise on. I have a partnership that is mutually dependent and supportive. I love him, I'm attracted to him and I love sharing my life with him.... but what gives about knowing about "the one"? 

I'd love it if people shared how they know/don't know/knew/thought they knew/never knew they found a partner for life.

Thank you!

*****

Fuck "the one."

Is sex important to you? Is a meh sex life a dealbreaker? For either of you??

Because if it ain't working now, marriage won't fix it.



p.s. I posted a similar dilemma here. And Dan Savage has a lot to say on this subject -- listen to his podcast, I beg of you!!!

Image: Ernesto Artillo

more on harassment

On Episode 344 of the Savage Lovecast (beginning at 14:38), Dan answers a question from a 24-year-old woman about how to deal with casual sexual harassment. He missed the mark slightly.

On Episode 245 (beginning at 42:28), he runs an AWESOME string of responses from female listeners.

I decided not to include the above links in yesterday's post, but the advice from the women who called in to the Lovecast has stuck with me. Felt like I ought to share.

sometimes I want it from someone else.

Hey ESB,

I'm writing to you super anonymously because this whole topic makes me nervous. Well, more embarrassed than nervous.

I want to get other people's advice on fidelity.

I've been married for 2 years, and love my husband. He is freakishly smart, extremely compassionate, and is a seriously handsome devil. But sometimes I have dreams about other men. Not hot sex dreams (I wish), but dreams where another man "likes" me, we make eyes at each other, he's crazy about me but we don't touch, or he writes me love letters that drive me crazy, like cheesy Nicholas Sparks shit (I've never read any of his books, but admit I watched The Notebook). I wake up the next morning and wish my husband made me feel that same way that these anonymous men do in my dreams. Sometimes he does. God, this is embarrassing to even write out.

Back in reality, I occasionally have crushes. Most women do. But for the first time in years (my husband and I dated for 11 years before getting married), a crush reciprocated and asked me to hang out, standing a little too close for comfort. I stammered some nonsense about not being able to, but didn't say I was married. It was hard to spit those words out. I can't say I wasn't tempted to pretend I was not married. It feels so good to be wanted.

My husband is into me, loves me, tells me I'm sexy, grabs me out of the blue, but sometimes I want it from someone else.

How do other people deal with these feelings? Do you shove them way down inside and hope they go away? Do they think of other men when having sex with their husbands? Do they have affairs just to see what another man feels like? Can people flirt harmlessly?

I know I need to tell my crush I'm not available, but it's hard closing that door. The most selfish parts of me want to keep up the ruse for the attention, the affirmation, the thrill. Like I said, embarrassing.

Thoughts from the pack of snarky women out there? I appreciate all of your input and experience.

*****

I'm pretty sure I can safely say that 30-90% of married women have similar feelings at some time or another. Not just the crush part. The "sometimes I want it from someone else" part. Doesn't EVERYONE have those feelings at some point? Human beings weren't built to be monogamous.

That said, I don't recommend that you run out and have an affair. If you want to go down the monogamish road you need to discuss it with your husband and get his permission. You'll have to decide if the wanting-it-from-someone-else is, as Dan Savage would say, a "deal breaker" for you.*

The alternative is to flirt. And, yes, there's such a thing as harmless flirting. *Hot* harmless flirting, even, which can fuel your fantasy life and liven up the sex you're having with your husband. (Feel free to think of other men during that sex! Or to imagine your husband is a different, cheesy, Nicholas Sparks-y man.)

Again, just don't deceive or mislead anyone. You really do have to tell that guy you're married.

And now.... I'm eager to hear from the peanut gallery. I've enabled anonymous comments today, for obvious reasons.

Arnaud Lajeunie via Kroutchev Planet Photo via PCKSHT

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*Do you listen to Dan Savage? Everyone should listen to Dan Savage.

The Night Before?

Dear ESB,

I liked your advice on first looks, and I am wondering what your thoughts on spending the night before your wedding with your partner. 

It seems that even the most modern brides are still spending nights apart. Then again, these modern brides invented The Knot. Most people are living together before they are married right? So wouldn't they get ready together and see each other the day of? 

What did you do?

Sincerely,
Apart we are together.

*****

We spent the night before the wedding together (I mean, COME ON) and then spent the morning together running around setting up tables &c. But we split up an hour or two before the ceremony and I took a bath, shaved my legs, spent a few minutes alone contemplating the enormity…. and got ready with my bridespeople. And he did whatever he did with his groomspeople.

So we saw each other for the "first time" at the altar. Which was incredible. Which is what everyone should do. (OPINIONS! I'VE GOT EM.)

Photo by Mikael Jansson for Interview Magazine

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p.s. Dan Savage also has some opinions about weddings. I particularly like his exhortation to "Fuck first." Seems relevant here.

Dear ESB: The Podcast

I went on a Savage Love bender this weekend and decided it's time for me to do a podcast. (Dan Savage = My Hero.)

I'm lucky to have a husb who knows a little something about stuff like OH, AUDIO ENGINEERING, so when I announce things like, "I just registered the goog voice # for my podcast!" instead of saying "Um. What?" he spends 45 minutes finding just the right robot voice for the outgoing message.

Anyhoo.

CALL THE ESB VOICEMAIL NOW to record your dilemma*: 323-905-4ESB

Image courtesy of Popular Science via this guy
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*Or, you know, just to hear our robot message.