Big rack, sheer tee

Hi there,

I know you are a destroyed-t shirt aficionado, and I know you have access to wise women with big racks. I just moved from San Francisco (no summer) to Oakland (full summer), and am buying my first t-shirt wardrobe. I lean towards sheer, destroyed and/or drapey. 

I am a 32DD, and all of my bras are dorky (purchased two Christmases ago when my mom took me shopping at a Soma outlet, tbh). Nothing looks cool showing under sheer or off-the-shoulder shirts. I wish I could wear a fancy bandeau or bralette thing like the kids wear, but I need an underwire, and I am not 17. Can you help?? Someone tell me where to look and what to buy. 

Thank you for your assistance!
xo

*****

I've been wearing the shit out of this sports bra I bought at Target. Good for verrrry sheer tees or also when you just can't be bothered to wear underwire.

For a slightly-less-sheer tee that needs a shaplier boob, go with a plain black t-shirt bra. Chantelle is pricy but worth it (thank you, Celia!).

I *do not* recommend a lace bra under a sheer tee. We'll leave that to the a + b cups.
______________________________

Raquel Allegra Crochet Tie Dye Stripe Tee (sigh) from Heist

Dear Celia: Please help me dress my boobs! (NURSING EDITION)

ESB: Here's my boobs dilemma. I've always been a petite but busty girl: 5'2", and a 30DD... before I had a baby last month. And now that I'm an on-demand milk bar for my little piglet, I've jumped up a cup size or three. 

My nursing and maternity leave wardrobe is pretty limited; that I can live with for the time being. But I have two weddings to attend in the next few months, one on Cape Cod in September and a second in LA in October. The tot is coming along for both. I'm looking for a dress that will be easy to nurse in, not to mention accommodating of a huge, hideous but non-negotiable nursing bra. 

I'm somewhere in the 0/2/4 size range these days, depending on the dress and brand; something that is forgiving of a not-totally-flat post-baby belly would be nice. I don't want to spend more than $200 if possible, but for the right (versatile) dress, I could be persuaded to shell out a tiny bit more.

xo

a new mama

*****

WHOOPS I hope Celia and I aren't too late with this. I suspect we might be.....

Dear New Mama,

On the off chance that you have yet to find something, I highly recommend going the Nadia Tarr route. Her dresses are CRAZY stretchy, so nursing is not at all a problem in them. A nursing friend of mine recently attended her brother's wedding in one of her pieces and claims she couldn't have made a better choice. I know you said $200 was your limit, but GAH, look at this! 

The straps are convertible, so they can be worn higher on your shoulders to conceal even the nastiest of nursing bras. And it's not a dress that *just* works for nursing, so you know you can get plenty of use out of it in the future, too. 

But if you really are strict about your budget, Nadia also has her Signature Jersey Dress currently on sale. The Cap Sleeved version would probably be the best way to wear it if you're trying to cover a nursing bra and a post-baby belly.

Love,

C

Great racks and low backs.... CELIA EDITION

Hi! 

I've got a boobs dilemma for you. My wedding dress has a low back, but also has straps. I've got giant boobs, so I can't wear one of those strapless bras that stick to your sides - it won't be enough support. 

I went to department stores, bridal stores and VS - none carried a corset (which I need for support) with a low back. I ordered this one online and it's pretty much perfect - low enough in the back and I can even wear the straps because they match up with the straps on my dress; however, the line where the corset cuts off shows through. Back it went. 

Now I know I need a bodysuit, not corset, with a low back. Preferably with removable straps, or tight enough to give me the support I'll need. 

On that front, here's what I've found:

This comes in S-M-L sizes which makes me think it won't be big enough cups.

Here's a totally weird looking one w/ same S-M-L issue.

I think this could be a good option, just not sure if that boning will show through. 

This looks like one of the best options, but I need something like 34DD or 34E/F, and they're out of everything but 38s.

Suggestions? Didn't think the bra would be harder to find than the dress, but here I am...

*****

Here's Celia to save the day....

Hello Low Back,

Without seeing your dress, it's not easy to figure out exactly what you need. However, anyone with a larger chest should never, EVER consider buying any bra/bustier that comes in s/m/l. I recently flew to my parent's house for a weekend and forgot my swimsuit. I stupidly thought I could get away with buying a size 10 suit (I wear a size 6) because I figured a larger suit would be larger in the bust. I ended up with a suit that sags on my ass and can barely contain my nipples. Thank the Baby Jesus, I only had to wear it in my family's backyard and that I had a properly fitting D-cup suit back home. 

Anyway, I have a feeling this is the answer to all your prayers. And next time, find a bra before committing to the dress. You should know better, Ms. 34DD.

Love,
C

p.s. Celia answered another one (re: pregnant boobs) over on her blog. Way helpful if you're pregnant or one day hope to be, a teence horrifying for the rest of us.

Please help me dress my boobs (BRIDESMAIDS EDITION)

Hello! 

I am in a wedding in a few months for a VERY stylish couple. They have graciously allowed us to pick our own dresses (yes!) but the parameters are little... tiny (oh no!). Pinks, blush, rose, FULL LENGTH. AHHH! I'm 5'2! And busty! I can't wear any of the awesome cut out back things that are happening right now, a bra is a MUST. I don't want to be in an ACTUAL bridesmaid dress while everyone else is at this swanky downtown New York wedding all tricked out! I've seen your readers save the day, I've contributed suggestions myself, now I need your help! 

Thank you in advance, I know I will be clicking through links in no time! plz plz!

*****

Here's what Celia, aka Our Lady of the Boobs, had to say....

Dear 5'2 & Busty,

First of all, your problem here has nothing to do with the fact that you are either short or busty. After spending one too many hours (yes, HOURS) on the world wide web trying to find a dress for you, I have come to the conclusion that pink, full length gowns are designed for three types of ladies. 

1. Bridesmaids, a look you're not going for

2. Mothers of the bride, a look I'm assuming you're not going for

3. High school girls desperate to get laid on prom night, a look I'm hoping you're not going for 

So my question is this, would a patterned dress be an option? Not that ESB is looking to be the new poster blog for Halston Heritage, but I found this. The cut is PERFECT for all that boobage, and as a major plus, it can be worn with a conventional bra. This Halston dress is also calling out for some big ol' love pillows. 

If you're up for wearing a convertible bra or a great and supportive bustier, the one-shoulder look is ultra flattering for just about any well endowed bridesmaid. 

Your 5'2 and busty soul sister,

Celia

Photo at top: Monika Jablonczky by Mate Moro for WADmagazine

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p.s. Celia also has guest post up on the etsy blog today. (SPOILER ALERT: There are no boobs involved.) AND: She has invited us to shop her rad little vintage store at a discount. Use coupon code ESB15OFF for 15% off until Sunday, 8/11.

Beth Ditto got married!

BOOB-A-LICIOUS

Speaking of boobs, I've roped Celia in for a reprise of Please help me dress my boobs (the crowning glory of #boobsweek).

Email me your boob dilemmas and I will pass them on to the lady herself! Perhaps we can turn it into a monthly column....

Coming shortly: A bridesmaids dress for 5'2 & Busty!

Beth Ditto and Kristin Ogata courtesy of Vogue (with thx to Katherine for the tip)

What do I wear under the dress?

I have a practical question here, what am I supposed to wear under my dress? Lacy underwear... Spanx...  

The big dilemma is my dress has a sheer back so I can't have a bra, but would still like some extra oomph and support, would stick on-cups be a total mistake? I envision sweating and them falling out, or something equally horrifying.

Here's a pic of my dress on someone else (reckon she went bra-less?)

*****

I kinda think you have to go sans bra.

(Which, that bride is juuuuuuuust pushing the envelope. I hope your boobs are small!)

How do I cover my tatas at the tattoo parlor?

dear esb,

for the next installment of my ongoing, unofficial tattoos-in-foreign-lands project, i'll be getting inked when i'm in the UK this september. i've got just about all of the details figured out: i have my design, i've been writing back and forth with a local artist for the past several months, and i've made my appointment. what remains? the tattoo will be in the middle of my back, you see, so i won't be able to wear a bra during or after said appointment. i've made my peace with that, but i'd like to wear SOMETHING; i'm as unenthusiastic about itinerant breasts as i am enthusiastic about ink.

what, pray, should that something be? (i'll be sightseeing with no opportunity to change for the rest of the day, so whatever i choose will have to work for the next twelve hours.)

yours in never-nudity, &c.

*****

How big is said tattoo? Are you sure you want it directly beneath your bra line? Esp since you never ever ever go without a bra??

Just throwing it out there.

I'll leave it to my intrepid readers to recommend their favorite stick-ons, &c.

Google's reverse image search has failed me. I don't know who took this photo, but I gather the model's name is Ruby Rose.

BOOB CREAM (the overdue review)

Dear Blossom Organics,

Since I never got around to reviewing your Revitalizing Breast Exam Cream on the podcast, here's a little review for you now:

As promised, the stuff smells just like yellow cake batter. It's very thick and sort of pasty-looking, so I was reluctant to "apply a generous amount" as instructed, but then it absorbed super smoothly. Felt kinda tingly, in a good way.

I felt sexy rubbing it in until I remembered I was supposed to be doing a breast exam. And then I sort of actually gave myself a breast exam. It was quick, but hey. Better than nothing.

Way to go, Blossom Organics!

This morning my boobs are extra soft. And yes, they smell like cake batter.

Photo by Katie Quinn Davies via Jen Gotch
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p.s. We've still got a little promo going on in the Blossom Organics Facebook Store. Enter "DEARESB" at checkout to get 20% off. (Expires March 30, 2012.)

But don't vintage clothes.... SMELL? (Sponsored by Monday's Child)

That's right, I have the coolest sponsors. On this bright and shiny Monday morning, I bring you a sponsored post from our lady Celia.

Hi folks! Assuming you're not completely over me after #BOOBSWEEK, I'm back to share my knowledge of vintage fashion, why you should consider wearing it if you don't, and why it's a fantastic option for your wedding. Now, before you go telling me that vintage clothes are just old rags that smell bad, let me school you a little. Thrifted clothes (which, I'll add, also have a special place in my heart) are what you're thinking of when you picture "old" and "smelly." But vintage, TRUE vintage, especially if it's been well preserved through the years, is quite the opposite of that. For those of you who aren't aware, I own an insanely rad collection of vintage clothes (if I do say so myself) that mostly comes from one woman's estate, and that happens to, believe it or not, NOT SMELL.

At this point, I've been wearing vintage for most of my life, and I'm not here to tell you that it's because I'm cooler or more vintage than you. I grew up going to private schools where I exclusively wore uniforms. "Free Dress" days are a pretty huge deal when you spend most days of your life wearing the same exact thing as the few hundred other kids you're constantly surrounded by. I discovered and became a fan of vintage because it was my way to stand out. If shopping at the mall meant looking like everyone else in non-uniform clothes, then I wanted absolutely nothing to do with places like The Gap and Contempo Casuals. I found individuality through wearing vintage, and it is why I still wear it today. When I saved every dime I had to buy myself a 1940s black satin gown for my prom, there was absolutely no fear of running into some other girl wearing the same exact dress. And on that note, don't think that vintage is so outside of the norm that it can only be outrageous or wacky. Although there are certainly many pieces that lean toward the more unique end of the spectrum, vintage can also be very simple and classic.

If you're new to the world of vintage, I understand that it can feel somewhat overwhelming. Simply put, if you get to understand the different eras and fit, vintage clothing starts to become a lot less intimidating. The first thing you should know right off the bat is that modern clothes are made to look good on hangers, whereas vintage clothes were made to look good on PEOPLE. Most vintage garments really don't come across so hot when they're just hanging in a shop or closet, so it's very important to give stuff a chance even if it looks stupid or unflattering. For the most part, it's impossible to tell how most vintage pieces are supposed to fit or lay until you literally put them on. I can't tell you how many times I've looked at a dress and thought there's no way I could ever sell it, and then been blown away once I slipped it onto a dress form. This would be an example of such a dress. When I pulled it out of storage, it looked like a tablecloth with sleeves, but was surprised to see that in reality, it had a lovely shape (it's not pinned anywhere on the form).

Also in regards to fit, a common complaint I've hear throughout the years is that vintage clothes run so much smaller, and generally speaking, this is true. HOWEVER, it is extremely important to remember that up until the 70s, women wore SERIOUS undergarments. And by SERIOUS, I mean that those ladies knew how to contain their wobbly parts and floppity milkers. Older pieces were made to be worn with these gut-cinching unmentionables, so always keep that in mind if you have it stuck in your head that vintage simply does not fit your body type. I'm not saying you have to invest in some Spanx, but you should at least consider it.

Alright, let's move onto the real reason I decided to write this post. Since this is a wedding blog, I'd like to share my brand spanking new BRIDAL selection with you guys. I think it's safe to say that most of you who read East Side Bride aren't exactly conventional brides planning conventional weddings. This is exactly why wearing vintage is such a brilliant choice for your wedding. You don't have to buy a traditional wedding gown to look like a bride. Shit, you don't even have to buy a traditional vintage wedding gown to look like a bride. As I've been digging through my collection in the past few months, I've come across a number of dresses that I would've LOVED to have been married in.

When it comes to wearing vintage for your wedding, the possibilities are endless. I think many brides fear the idea of looking dated in a vintage wedding gown, and I totally get it. Although that very classic look is stunning in its own way, it is definitely not a look that all brides can or may even want to pull off. But why not consider looking beyond typical wedding gowns? If you don't want to stray too far from the norm, there are a plethora of white/off-white/ivory vintage gowns and dresses out there that would work perfectly for a wedding. Also, make sure to keep in mind that all you need to modernize a vintage piece is to properly accessorize it. Personally, I find this to be one of the best examples of a bride WORKING a vintage dress, and managing to still look up-to-date.

If you're a more adventurous bride, color is always a great option. I find that brides who are willing to wear color tend to stick with pastels, but who says you can't go insanely bold and surprise all your guests? No one who matters, that's who.

Oh, and one last thing... make sure you don't forget about your awesome bridesmaids. After all the love and support they've provided, don't they deserve to look killer, too?

Thanks again for having me, guys. And don't forget, true vintage is timeless and gorgeous. Not smelly.

Great racks and low backs...

Hello ESB,

So.... I have the boy (6’3’ beard, glasses), the venue (English country house), the menu (cucumber sandwiches, cake and sloe gin.) and a truly amazing dress.

However the dress at the heart of my current quandary: It is beautiful, a 1920s champagne silk crepe, which lands just below the knee and make me very very happy. I don’t have a picture as its shut in my mum’s closet, 100 miles away at the moment, but the shape is a bit like this.

The problem is that it has a lovely low V back and I have what one of your other readers referred to as a sweet rack. The rack in question is a UK 32E/F (US 32DD/E) and I am a British 10 (US 6). As the crepe is clingy I wanted to wear some kind all in one underneath to create a smooth line. So since November I have been searching for a body or corselette in my size that isn’t eye achingly hideous and that I can wear stockings with.

The first thing that comes up is always ultimo’s backless body which aside from being a quite exceptionally unpleaseant colour is padded and really I do not need help that department. The only remotely decent thing I’ve found is this.

It's ok but I was hoping to find some thing a bit more special seeing as it’s my wedding day. Budget £200?

Thanks
Ms. Knickers

*****

You can have "special," or you can have a smooth line, but you can't have them both at the same time.

Yes, that backless body thing is hideous, but the unpleasant color is meant to be NUDE (i.e. invisible under your crepe dress), and it looks to me like the padding you describe is not so much padding as "secret support," which is designed to do some lifting.

Your boy will barely take an instant to register what you've got on under the dress, trust me. What you look like in the dress is much more important.

Boob Update

Hi ESB and Celia,

Boobsweek inspired me to double check that I had the correct fit. On closer inspection I began to suspect that my bras were not quite the right size - they were altogether too baggy. So I promised somewhere in the comments that I would go and have a bra fitting, and today I finally did.

OH MY GOD. 

I've been wearing a 36C for over a decade. I didn't think I was due a huge transformation - I don't have any daily boob trauma (boobma). It turns out I'm a 32DD. A 32DD!!!!!!!! WTF! Seriously!

What's more, I now have three gorgeous bras that are HOTTT. I can't stop leaping around the living room trying them on one after the other - they are SO GOOD! They make my boobs look better, they ping. I am so happy.

Even more impressive, I bought some kickass ankle boots yesterday and so far bra glee is far outshining boot glee. Best present to myself ever.

Thanks guys

p.s. I will be handwashing for life from now on.  I'm a changed woman.  

Having A Positively Perky Year Because Of One Boobsweek Spree

(Happy Boobs) 

*****

MOM, ARE YOU READING THIS?

Jane Russell via Historiful

Dear ESB: The BOOBSCAST

In which guest expert Celia addresses your pressing questions about boob wrinkles, bra washing, and how to stage a breast-ervention. And I do a lot of giggling.

Also, C and I reveal more than you ever wanted to know about our own personal bra-wearing habits.

Happy #BOOBSWEEK everybody!

Vintage wedding dresses for the Big-Boobed

Did you think #BOOBSWEEK was over??

Not by a long shot.

Yesterday I emailed Mill Crest Vintage, another one of my new sponsors,* to find out what they've got for ladies DD+.  The 1980's Grecian Gown, 1940's Silk Crepe and Lace, 1960's Pearl Encrusted Jacquard, and 1960's Fred Perlberg Crochet (pictured above) are just a few of their boobalicious options.

And my lady at Mill Crest told me, "one of the best things to note about vintage is that nearly every piece can be altered to achieve a customized fit. So... If a bride falls in love with a dress, even if it isn't the perfect size right now, doesn't mean that it can't be changed up a bit... (change the back, add gussets, add panels..) Yep... Dresses can be made larger! Who knew!"
______________________________

*I have rad sponsors. Deal with it.

speaking of great gazongas....

How has no one bought this amazing 60's house dress/wrap situation from Celia's shop?

Helloooooooooo.

Check out these 30GGs

Noa and her great gazongas* have requested a lil #BOOBSWEEK shout-out.

I think she deserves one, don't you? I mean, the lady KNOWS HOW TO WORK EM.

Photos by the amazeballs Chloe Aftel

______________________________

*Phrase courtesy of my dad. It's a little Robert Crumb for my taste.... but also just too perfect not to use here.

Please help me dress my boobs (Part 4: Wedding Dresses)

Here's Celia with the cherry on top of our BOOB-O-riffic series:

So, you're getting married AND you have big tits... let's find you something awesome to wear. You guys, I have not been on a hunt for a wedding gown in about three years, but BY GOLLY it looks like the bridal industry knows what's up. It's a shame that you only seem to find big-busted brides in halter and strapless silhouettes, because there are hundreds, if not thousands, of dresses that are right for you. I had my dress custom made, which I highly recommend as an option, but I had so much fun doing the research for this post that I might just go try on some gowns sometime in the near future for shits and giggles. I really don't care how cuckoo bananas that is either.

Basically, all the same rules apply as dressing for non-wedding life. You want the right neckline, you want the right fabric, and you want the right cut that will help create balance. I know all those newer dresses coming out with all those fun embellishments on the bust line are oh-so-adorable, but you have no business wearing a big taffeta bow across your tits, OK? Other than that, like I said, the wedding gown world is your oyster, so let's explore it.

(left, right)

If wrap dresses look great on you for everyday life, then you better believe they'll work just as splendidly on your wedding day. I think really toned down silhouettes are so good for big boobs. Your knockers are such a great accessory, so you really don't need to be adding too much to them, you know? That being said, please do not let me catch you wearing a necklace that's long enough to fall between your cleavage. Como se dice, "looks really fucking stupid"?

I'm thinking backyard/potluck wedding for the dress on the left, and City hall wedding with your sister as the witness for the DVF dress. Am I right, or am I right?

(left and right)

Big boobs are awesome in all those romantic silhouettes. You'll look straight off the cover of some sex-a-fied romance novel, but in a good way. I know busty girls seem to be over empire dresses, but they DO work for you if that's a trend you're willing to take on. I wore an empire dress when I got married, but more than anything, I chose that style because I really wanted to EAT at my wedding. 

I saw at least five dresses on the Saja site that would be beautifully worn by a busty lady.

(left, right)

So, looking like a bride is simply not your thing, but you still want to look like THE bride. You lucky ladies have so much to choose from. If you're not planning on buying a wedding dress or even a wedding-y dress, just make sure you still choose something that will knock your socks off when you try it on. Personally, I don't believe in the concept of "The Dress," but if you're going to wear it for the most important day of your life, you better be in love with yourself in it. 

A great alternative to strapless and halter silhouettes are one-shoulder dresses. They compliment bigger boobs fabulously, and although *I've* never had luck with one of those convertible-type bras (I'm not saying they don't exist for big boobs), you can wear a one-shoulder dress with a strapless bra or bustier. Call me crazy, but I think adding even one strap to a dress when wearing a strapless bra helps add a fair amount of support. 

The dress on the right looks like it was MADE for humongous Big'uns. It's ultra sexy AND you can wear a regular bra with it? That's a major winner in my book. 

(left and right)

Alright, so you're getting married AND you have a hot body. Poor you. It's pretty safe to say that having a killer rack doesn't always equal a killer body. But if it does for you, then you've got to flaunt that shit, home chicken. I know I tried to sway you from strapless dresses, but let's say, for example, your figure is pin-up worthy (think Scarlett Johansson or Salma Hayek) and you want to show it off. Well then, you should! The Elizabeth Dye dress above will accentuate all your amazing curves, but will also keep you from looking like the Skank Bride of the Year. 

Thank you for having me, ESB and all her rad readers. This series has been tons of fun for me and I've gained so much knowledge in the process. Now lets keep our tits strapped in, and our wardrobes looking bangin'.

xo -Celia

Photo at top: Scarlett Johansson by Peter Lindbergh for Vogue China, April 2011 via Glamcheck

yep, it's a BREAST EXAM post

My friend Johannah, who works for Blossom Organics, tweeted me yesterday to say, "don't forget @BlossomOrganics Breast Cream."

I have to admit that I have not once even OPENED the jar of breast cream she sent me with the original tube of lube that has been replaced maybe three times now.

Here's hoping this missive from J will inspire all of us to rub stuff on our boobs:

Until recently I didn't properly appreciate my boobs. In fact, I resented them. They were too big and stretchmark-y. Then I learned to bra them properly, so though I still don't love them naked, they look just fine under clothes. Soon after, I came to realize how much pleasure they could provide (NO IDEA what took so long.)

And then, a few -- yes, more than a couple -- of my friends were diagnosed with breast cancer and I stopped taking my boobs for granted once and for all.

To that end, I have been trying to do regular breast self-exams. They were uncomfortable and kind of scary until I began working for Blossom and using our Revitalizing Breast Cream. This rich, organic cream offers silky glide to make the exam easier and it smells divine (like yellow cake batter).

Now I rub it on my boobs every day so they'll be soft and creamy in case the bra ever comes off in the presence of another. And I'm more familiar with my breasts, so even if I don't do a full-on, according to Hoyle breast exam, I'll be more likely to notice any changes and get them checked out by my doctor (read: nurse practitioner at Planned Parenthood.)

Did I mention my boobs smell like cake batter?
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WHATTUP: Blossom Organics has swooped in and offered to sponsor Dear ESB: The Podcast this month!

The first ten people to call (323) 905-4ESB with a question or comment get a free sample of organic lube or revitalizing breast cream. (QUESTIONS DO NOT HAVE TO BE LUBE OR BOOB RELATED)

Just tell me which product you'd prefer and be sure to leave your email address (you won't be added to any lists, I promise).

Please help me dress my boobs (Part 3: Dresses)

Once again, here's Celia, Queen of the Knockers:

Fuck yeah, dresses! Those boobs of yours look FABULOUS in lots of different dress styles, so let's put them in one, shall we? 

First, let's focus on some day dresses. If you feel lost in this department, no worries, 'cause I'm here to help. You don't need a shit ton of dresses, just two or three GOOD and versatile ones will make a prefect start to a a great boob-friendly dress collection. The beauty of a day dress is that you can pair it with your favorite sandals for casual activities, but also dress it up a bit for that bridal shower brunch you're obligated to go to. The three styles I'd suggest for you buxom beauties would be...

(wrap, shift, shirt)

1. A Wrap Dress. Did you know that every time a busty girl complains about having to wear yet ANOTHER wrap dress, a fairy dies? Here's the thing, home slice, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I know there are way too many uber boring wrap dresses out there, and it's so discouraging to search through hundreds of them, but I promise you, there are AMAZING ones, too, that are anything but boring. You just have to do your homework. I think it's safe to say that most designers come up with some form of wrap dress every season. If there's a designer you love, scout out their wrap dresses and buy one. The wrap dress is a no-brainer, so do yourself a favor and stop fighting it. 

2. The Perfect Shift. Shift dresses actually work well for both gazongas and itty-bitties, but if you want to see exactly the kind of magic they can create for your ample bust line, just take a look here. Enough said. 

P.S. A little concerned about how the rest of you will look in a shift? Here are your options: start hitting the gym, or take *my* lazy-ass approach and buy yourself some good undergarments. If you think Christina Hendricks isn't wearing a girdle in that photo, you are majorly confused, my friend.

3. A Non-Boxy Shirt Dress. The wrong shirt dress can be disastrous for those DDs of yours, but the right shirt dress can be unbelievably flattering. The one above does not have a button closure, which already makes it a winner for your monster tits. The cinched waist will flatter your figure, and the flouncy skirt will create that balance I spoke of in my last post. Also, I want to take the time to talk about dresses with sleeves. I know that they aren't exactly the most popular (quite frankly, I have no idea why), but sleeves compliment big boobs in the best way. Give them a try; I have a feeling you won't be disappointed. 

Alright, ladies, let's move onto "da club" (if that's your thing), and all other nighttime activities. Before we start discussing dress styles, we need to have a little talk, mkay? Everyone seems to think you've been *blessed* with these massive tits of yours, but most of the time you find them to be quite an annoyance that are impossible to dress for, am I right? So, defeated, you give into those tits of yours and try your very best to squeeze your melons into a dress that was made for the tiniest titties available. The result is bad, REAL BAD. Big boobed girls look at you and know you're the girl who doesn't know how to dress for her body, and everyone else looks at you and thinks, "SLUT." The truth is, we're not blessed, but rather *cursed* with some sort of naturally skanky physique. For some reason, people can't look at a hefty pair of knockers without sex coming to mind, and you've fallen victim. What's a big-titted girl to do? Do we wear turtlenecks our whole lives and walk around looking like nuns? Of course not, silly buddons! There's absolutely nothing wrong with showing a little tit from time to time, BUT there is a very fine line. For example...

Alright, there's A TON wrong with the picture on the right, but we're only here to talk about the boobs. Notice that Ms. Dennings is concealing just a tiny bit more in the picture on the left, yet it manages to make a HUGE difference. The picture on the left looks sexy, but at the same time, refined, polished, and sophisticated. The picture on the right looks straight up crazytown. A FINE LINE.

I'm not here to tell you how to dress, ladies, but I am here to shamelessly tell you that when yo' titties are all up in everyone's face, you end up looking kinda ridiculous. If that happens to be your thing, however, and you just LOVE pinning pictures of the Kardashians, then by all means, live the dream. BUT, the next time someone who's met you on more than one occasion can't seem to remember your face because they were too busy waiting for one of your nipples to pop out, don't go crying wolf. People stare at big tits; Men stare at big tits, women stare at big tits, women with big tits stare at big tits. I don't know what it is, but evolutionarily, we can't seem to help it. If you have a problem with people staring at your big, fat mammaries all the damn time, then all you've got to do is give them a little less to stare at. It's quite simple, actually. 

Time to party in the right dress...

(lbd, show stopper, wild card)

1. The Classic LBD. Every girl, not matter what size bra she wears, NEEDS the perfect LBD that she can wear to just about any occasion. When I buy LBDs, I prefer to go classic. I'd highly recommend vintage, but if that's not your thing, vintage-inspired is usually on the right track. The thing about the perfect, classic LBD is that you'll never get sick of it, and when the last thing you want to do (or can do) is shop for a new dress, your LBD will always save the day. No need to be boring, get yourself a LBD with some fun features. Draping around the neckline will always flatter a full bust. And as always, make sure to try on dresses that add definition to your waist. Black, of course, is slimming, but big boobs tend to have a sneaky little way of making you look 20 lb. heavier if you're not careful.

2. A Dress That Will Make Heads Turn. Remember, just because I told you to cover up a bit, doesn't mean you can't leave the house looking like a total sex pot. You can, and you should! Typically, I like to achieve this by covering a bit on top, and showing a bit more on the bottom. My general rule that I use *most* of the time is, long sleeves/short hem and long hem/short or no sleeves. The plunging V neck in the dress above will show plenty, and the batwing sleeves are ultra flattering for your boob-tastic bod. And, hello? SPARKLES!

3. The Unexpected Dress. Often times, I find that well endowed women tend to think that they just don't have that many options when it comes to having fun with their clothes. Yes, I agree that WAY TOO MANY designers make clothes for all those 34Bs out there, but that doesn't mean you can't find something totally awesome for yourself. After TONS of research, I came across that Alice & Olivia Ombre dress. It's different, it's great for so many different occasions, AND you can wear a regular bra with it. Was it worth all my time and effort? You bet it was!

I hope you're all gaining a better understanding of what will work best for you. Seeing as this is a wedding blog, we'll be discussing the cherry on top next... WEDDING DRESSES. 

Cel, you rule. As a just-barely-maybe-member-of-the-big-tit-club, may I just say? DAMN I AM LEARNING A LOT THIS WEEK.

If you've just fallen onto the "Please help me dress my boobs" series, be sure to catch Part 1: Bras (which will change your life, doesn't matter how big/small your knockers are) + Part 2: Regular Clothes.

Please help me dress my boobs (Part 2: Regular Clothes)

Here's Celia, our Patron Saint of Boobies:

"Do you boob goddesses wear regular clothes?"
-esb to me

I couldn't help but chuckle to myself at this question because it does seem like big-boobed girls are always in some type of dress. And I have to admit, I spent about ten years of my life being totally guilty of this; I found the right cut of dress that worked for me, and wore it TO DEATH. It was easier that way, a total no-brainer that I could pair with flats or sandals when I was out and about, or a pair of pumps when I was going to someone's bridal shower. But the thing is, there were occasions in my life that didn't call for a dress, and I'd always end up ever so slightly overdressed. Then there's the other thing... it can get pretty fucking cold in a dress.

To be perfectly honest, this is the post I was the most excited to write about because it is the most challenging for me. I know how to dress casually for my body type, but quite often, it seems like it is way more effort than just, well, putting on a dress. In an effort to cut the dress habit (and to stay warm), I've spent almost a year now in my new uniform: Skinny jeans, whichever clean/not too wrinkled t-shirt I can find, moccasins, and my trusty military jacket. It's really not that bad, I guess, but let's just all be happy that I have a husband, or else I'm not so sure I'd ever get laid again. It's not that girls with big boobs can't pull off a look as simple as a t-shirt and jeans. If anything, I believe that t-shirts were kind of made for big, glorious tits. BUT, if you don't want to end up looking like a sack of potatoes, you have to make sure you polish the look up a bit. Dressing for a big bust is all about creating balance, finding a fantastic tailor, and making him/her your new best friend. 

The chances of you finding clothes that look killer on you right off the rack are slim to none, so it's about time you give up that pipe dream. Let's say, for example, your boobs fit beautifully into a size 14 dress, but the rest of you however, looks like it's drowning in fabric. What to do? You swallow your pride and buy the size 14, and you have your tailor make it fit your size 10 body. If you're hung up on dress sizes, you need to get over yourself NOW. The goal is to look bangin', right? So, who gives two shits what the size tag on your dress says? You will be SO happy if you get into the habit of doing this, and you will finally, FINALLY get rid of your dreaded mono-boob. 

So, let's get dressed! I've compiled three "regular" looks for you. The first one is the most casual; think "jeans and t-shirt." The second, which is a bit more dressed up, works well for meeting up with friends for drinks or going on a date with your husband/boyfriend/almost-fiancé/wife/girlfriend/partner/what have you. And the last, because I feel this is an area where big-boobed girls REALLY suffer, is a great look for work-related situations. 

Look 1: You want to be comfortable, but you don't want to look like poop soup.

(1, 2, 3, 4)

Here I am, another blogger telling you to wear stripes. The thing is, though, stripes actually have a very slimming affect which translates well to toning down those floppity milkers of yours. It's not that I'm advising you to hide what your mama gave you (if you notice from the bra post, I didn't suggest one single minimizer), but like I mentioned earlier in this post, you need to create balance. You need to devise some sort of diversion so that you don't walk around looking like you're seconds away from toppling over. The easiest way to do this is with...

1. The right neckline. Of course, there are exceptions to most rules, but generally speaking, you will be much better off wearing a v-neck or a scoop neck. Higher necklines have a tendency to overwhelm a fuller bust, giving it that dreaded "matronly" look. Be very careful though; you're dressing for every-day "regular" activities here, not "da club." 

2. The right pattern. You do know that wearing big, massive polkadots is a major no-no when you have big, massive bosoms, RIGHT? And you are aware that big patterns, in general, aren't usually the best idea? GOOD. Now that we have all that out of the way, let's make pattern the next big thing in your life. Pattern on top can really help to camouflage all that extra weight you're carrying around, and pattern on the bottom will create that diversion I was talking about. If you're planning on doing pattern all over, keep it subtle, stupid.

3. The right, or any, color. Color is a great tool for creating balance. When you're dressing for big boobs, you want to give the impression of great proportion... something that most busty girls don't have the pleasure of having. Yes, we know you have an attractive pair of tits, but what about your ass? Is it awesome too? Show it off in a rad pair of colored jeans. Or, maybe you have a gorgeous set of legs; bring a little attention to them with a bright-colored mini. In other words, give people more to look at than just your TITS. This is a hard one for some of you ladies, I know, but I have faith in you. 

Look 2: You're meeting up with friends for dinner at that new restaurant no one will shut up about, followed by Negronis until you're almost seeing double, and you want to look sharp, but not overdressed.

(1, 2, 3, 4)

Ok, so you made it through your day of farmers market shopping and a mani/pedi in your striped shirt and colored jeans, but now it's time to turn it up a notch. I have to admit that going to dinner in jeans is a trend that I'm still trying to get used to seeing as I had a mother who made me wear nylons every time I stepped foot on an  airplane. However, more than just a trend, it looks to now be just a way of life. That's tots cool, but let's dress those jeans up a bit, shall we?

You don't even have to say a word, because I know what you're thinking... "Busty gals CAN'T wear tunic-y-type blouses; this Celia girl doesn't know shit about shit." I'm here to tell you that you are WRONG, my friends. Sure you can't wear just any tunic, but if you take into consideration cut, fabric, and color, you most certainly CAN wear a tunic, dumb-dumb. The one above is the perfect example. It is dark, but not black (bet you're pretty sick of all those black tops, aren't you?). The neckline is a low V, but not scandalous (we'll save that discussion for the next post). The flow-y chiffon-y-ness will beautifully drape over your tits like silky chocolate syrup over ice cream (for the love of God, wear a cami under this one... no one wants to see THAT much of you). And last, all those great details like the gathered shoulder, tiny pleats and delicate tie will all help to compliment your chest.
 
Now you want to help add some structure to your outfit. All the looseness of the blouse and the wideness of the jeans might look like fabric overload, so you want to tone it down a bit and add some definition. If you have a slimmer waist, you can consider tucking your brand new tunic in, but another way to give that "hourglass" look is to add a well-tailored blazer (the busty girl's bff). I strongly urge you to invest in a good blazer, or maybe even two. This is advice that even I need to take. I used to think that blazers were all wrong for me and my body type, but that's only because I was trying on the wrong blazers. I think I got all caught up in that menswear-inspired trend, and was trying to make those oversized blazers that look so hot on Kate Moss look hot on me too. No bueno, guys.
 
The thing is, I have the farthest thing from a menswear-inspired body; I'm walking around with pretty sizable boobs, so I [and you] need a LADY blazer that will celebrate them in all their glory and not try and make me look like the girl who thinks she can pull off looking like Kate Moss. A LADY blazer, for one, is noticeably cinched at the waist. A LADY blazer is also, typically shorter, falling somewhere between the waist and mid-hip. This length will help to accentuate the curve of your hips, which will in turn balance out the robustness of your titties. Another thing to note is that a LADY blazer will most likely have slimmer cut sleeves, and this is a MUST. You don't want to add matronly upper arms to those boobs, do you? The right blazer, I've learned, is like the right haircut. For those of you who have ever had a killer, flawless haircut, you KNOW what a life changer it can be. 
 
Look 3: You're meeting with a client and want to look like you can kick ass and take names... and like you make $50k more a year than you actually do.

(1, 2, 3, 4)

Let me first and foremost make it extremely clear that unless you work at Hooters, or have a starring role on Melrose Place (the 90s version), those boobs of yours need to be under wraps for all work/career-related events. Let me put it to you this way... let's say I'm in the market for a new accountant. I will most likely go with the one who dazzles me with her smarts than the one who distracts me with her tits. Look, I'm not trying to say that having big boobs means you're not as smart as your B-cup competition, I'm just telling you to be professional. 

It's outfit time, and would you look at that! I actually had the nerve to suggest a blazer for TWO of the looks in this post; That's how much I believe in the power of a good blazer. For work-related purposes, I personally feel that simple is always best. That's just my opinion, so if it floats your boat to wear a floral blouse, then you go right ahead and do that. The gold buttons on the blouse above create a vertical line, which will help keep those tatas in check.  

Before we go any further, I need to get something off my chest: STOP wearing button-up blouses that don't fit you. If a blouse is puckering AT ALL, and if a blouse is opening AT ALL at your bust, it does not fit you. Go up a size, or two, and have the extra slack tailored. I know that when you have boobs of any size, it can be hard to keep those buttons securely locked, but a couple easy fixes are to wear a camisole underneath, or to have an invisible snap placed where your bust is the fullest. Do these things; They're quite simple, so you should have no excuse.

For balance, a circle skirt is flattering for all body types, and will totally offset your bodacious rack. A fuller skirt also adds a nice girly touch, which I'm a fan of, but it can easily be swapped out with a pencil skirt, or some killer slacks. Oh, and lady? You're working, so please avoid looking like a slob and try tucking your blouse in. 

There you have it, my DD and beyond sisters. Follow these very simple rules, learn how to incorporate them into your own style, and in no time you'll be looking a lot more hot tamale, and a lot less skank-a-licious. See you for my next post, DRESSES.

And in case you missed it (no idea how you could have missed it) be sure to catch up on Part 1 of Celia's epic series: BRAS.

Salma Hayek photo at top courtesy of Vogue

HOLY G-CUP, BATMAN

I have a C-cup complex. As in, no matter how many times the nice ladies tell me I'm a DD, I always seem to backslide. (They just don't look that big to me. And why should the little girls get all the good bras??)

No more. I went to Nordstrom Rack last night and bought a couple of decent bras way on sale. (Calvin Klein makes a 32DD? Who knew?)

But my next bra purchase will be an Elle Macpherson Cloud Swing D-G Cup Bra.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeow. And thank you, Meg.