what do you do with your wedding rings when you split up?

my husband and I were married september 2011, and the last day of our honeymoon was the first day of our difficulties, which i won't bore you with.

short end of the story is he turned out to be an alcoholic.

so.

currently my rings are sitting on my desk at work (a safe place don't worry!)

do i give them back? keep them forever? throw them in the sea?

also, i was a bad bride who never sent out all the thank you cards, mostly because things were getting worse from the minute we got back from honeymoon (this had a plus side since i didn't feel comfortable doing all the joint bank account stuff we'd planned... and now all my own money is safe etc..) anyway. i haven't sent out thank yous, and i feel embarrassed by this.

should i just chuck the rings and let the thank you cards go??

yours,
apparently ungrateful, soon to be divorced wifey :(

*****

The sea should be reserved for items you want to memorialize. Your grandmother's ashes. Goose's dogtags.

Sell the rings or melt them down or whatever and go out for a kick ass meal.

As for the thank you cards.... I wish I could tell you to just let em go, but those suckers will nag at you forever. Try to muster the strength to write notes to your friends and fam. "Thank you for the terrific chef's knife, which I am now using to cook for myself!" type of thing.

You can do it.

(Whiskey might help.)

Image courtesy of inflated/deflated

Where the eff are your manners, girl?!

Dear ESB,

I feel strange about this as I have never been one to expect a present, ever. Like, not even from my mom or significant other on any birthday or Christmas.

I'm a bridesmaid, surprise surprise that it has to be about this, living on the other side of the country from the wedding. The wedding was last week where I dropped an unholy amount to fly out there for the week to help, where I wore a really ugly dress that was way too much money, where I gave an "envelope" gift as they asked for no boxed gifts, where I walked the walk, talked the talk, etc. You get the point.

The Bridesmaids, who all had to travel in from either out of state or a long car ride away, who all supported her through her family bullsh*t, who all threw her a shower ($), threw her a raging bachelorette ($$), did not receive a present. Like not a one. Not even a token card or heartfelt thank you at the rehearsal.  

Now, being someone who ALWAYS writes thank you cards, this unnerved me just a tad but I feel guilty feeling so. We are all short on money and presents for 7 maids is pricey. But for me it wasn't the item, but it was the thought that wasn't there, the token of appreciation. What do you think ESB, am I out of line for feeling this way? I feel sort of stupid bringing it up to her but still, a part of me wants to call her up and say "Where the eff are your manners, girl?!"

Bridesmaid who a) subconsciously loves presents or b) just wants a damn thank you

*****

You are not out of line. That sucks. The bride should have given you a stupid thank you gift.

But. There is NO GOOD REASON to call and tell her off.

Be the bigger person and let it go.

Viktoriya Sasonkina by Maciek Kobielski for Numero Tokyo via highlikefashion

What's with all the MISSING WEDDING GIFTS

Hi ESB,

So piggy backing on the thank you card podcast question: I have a friend that didn't give us a gift, and that is not like her at all. We've had various conversations prior to my engagement and wedding about how she is always worried about making sure she "covers her plate" (apparently a Long Island wedding rule). But we didn't get a gift from her and her husband and I'm afraid it might have been lost. I don't want them to be offended that they didn't get a thank you card, but thanking them for coming when they likely did give us a gift seems odd.

I think you answered this question a while back and your advice was to try to get a mutual friend to help delicately ask the friend.* I tried that and the friend was like "Oh yeah, they would have definitely gotten you a gift. You should ask them about it, even though it's awkward." 

Any advice on how to handle this situation? I haven't seen them since the wedding (October) so we don't see each other all that often.

Thanks!

*****

ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK THE PODCAST. Here's me officially putting the podcast on hold. (Ever feel like you've bit off five more projects than you can chew? Four of which involve begging/nagging your husband to do a shitload of work for you?)

Anyhoo.

I think your best approach is to LET. IT. LIE.

Asking your friend "Did you get us a gift?" sucks. If she did get you a gift and she's roiling with anger that you haven't sent her a thank-you note, that'll bust out sometime, won't it??

xoxoxxx.

Once upon a time by Luis Cornejo
______________________________

*This was Rachel's advice, of course. Rachel of the thank you ninja skills.

At long last, IT'S EPISODE 4

Relationship drama, a thank-you card dilemma, AND a really juicy question from a (maybe?) virgin. All packed into 7 minutes.

Call (323) 905-4ESB to record your questions, comments and kudos.

I'm really not a totally disorganized a$$hole

Hey lady,

I have a post-wedding etiquette question for you and your team of wise sages:

I live on the other side of the planet, but got married in CA. I had all the registry gifts sent to my mother's place  - so items wouldn't have to be shipped across the planet. Some people also brought gifts to the wedding (in other words, gifts everywhere). After the wedding I went through the gifts and created a gift spreadsheet to ensure everything was organized and accounted for. Then I left for my honeymoon and then home. Now, I am back home visiting this month and am doing some further organizing (we left the country a couple days after the wedding and I couldn't do much more than open the gifts and write down who gave what). 

I'm going through the list and I see a couple friends on there who I'm pretty sure gave us something, but nothing is listed. Additionally, there were a couple gifts that did not have cards (or in all the mayhem, the cards got lost). I have no idea who gave them to us. Finally, there are some people on my list who I'm pretty sure didn't get us anything. 

So my question is this:

How do I find out who gave us the gifts with no card without making the friends who didn't give us anything feel uncomfortable? I was thinking of going the process of elimination route and emailing people on the list where no present is listed, but what happens if that person didn't get us anything? Their presence at our wedding was their present, and we're honored that they joined us to celebrate, I don't want to make them feel bad. I also don't want to be ass and not send a 'thank you.' 

Finally, what about the people who I suspect got us something but I don't have anything written down? I mean, I don't know for sure, but again, I cannot not send a 'thank you' if they did give us something. And what if I'm totally wrong in my assumptions? I honestly don't know.

Fucking-A. 

Signed, 
Doesn't want to be an a$$shole & is usually more organized

*****

I was doing my best to ignore your email. Or, rather, peeking at it every other day and promising myself, "I'll get to it..." And then Rachel's thank-you-note-spreadsheet post smacked me right in the face.

It is thus with great pleasure that I bring you this response from the blogosphere's foremost expert on thank-you-note spreadsheets:

Dear Doesn't Want to be an A**hole, 

I can completely sympathize because this is basically my worst nightmare, re: wedding gifts. And I can't even slap you on the wrist because you are doing exactly what you should have done (spreadsheet, etc) and against great odds, what with the flying back and forth issues. Now is the time to hone your thank you ninja skills.

1. Since you registered, work the registry. Most of them will keep track of who bought what. Some of them provide this information online if you dig (usually called "thank you manager"). This will definitely clear things up for all the gifts people purchased online. I've found that it's much more sketchy for in store purchases, although I did spend some time calling customer service and attempting to badger them into giving me more information. Probably don't waste your time with that. 

2. Get stealthy. You know where the gaps are on your list, which is good. What you need to do is spread the word in those circles (but NOT to those specific people) that due to the craziness of intercontinental wedding planning, some gifts got separated from cards. Mention some of the specific gifts. Play up the fact that you feel terrible because you're sure that you're missing some thank yous and you'd really appreciate it if you could figure out who the gifters were. Basically, if you currently have a blank next to your aunt's name, it is much less weird for your mom to casually ask your aunt if she might know of someone who gave you an coffee maker (because naturally you absolutely adore it and it's tearing you up inside not to be able to thank the giver) than it is for you to go down the list and confront the people with blanks next to their names. NEVER talk to someone about gifts if you aren't sure they got you something. That's uncomfortable and looks like fishing.

3. Some people will out themselves, but they'll never do it to you directly. They'll ask your parents or your mutual friends if they know whether you received x,y,z gift because they never received a thank you note. This is where the spreading the word part helps again, because those people are now primed to say "Oh my god, she was agonizing over that because the gift somehow got separated from the card!" and the gifter will feel relieved that you aren't just an ungrateful a**hole and then your informant will pass the information along to you and you can send an effusive card.

4. Yes, there are people who didn't get you anything. That's fine. I was awkward about this because I genuinely wanted to send these people thank you notes just for attending (because some of them made a huge effort to be there) but I didn't want it to seem like I was being a passive-aggressive asshole and pointing out the fact that they didn't buy gifts. I think my solution is going to be including a "it meant so much to have you at the wedding, it wouldn't have been the same without you on the dance floor" type note in a different context (casual email, holiday card, etc). 

Good luck and god speed, friend.

I do have a team of wise sages, don't I?

p.s. Rachel did terrific how-tos on planning + budgeting a DIY wedding, streamer backdrops, painted tablecloths and hand dyed napkins for 100 Layer Cake last week. And you should probably take a look at her wedding photos. (Spoiler Alert: THERE ARE SPARKLES)

Photo: Sarah Bebe Holmes via Arial Edge via Peonies & Polaroids

Can I email my thank-you notes?

Hey ESB,

My invites are going out electronically and people are RSVP-ing on our wedding website.  

Can I do email thank you notes or should I do paper and snail mail? The email thank yous would include a message that is personal to the recipient along with a couple photos.

Thanks!!

*****

Are people EMAILING YOU YOUR PRESENTS, or are they perhaps utilizing snail mail/ups?

Photo courtesy of Nasty Gal via Clara Spencer-Phillips

still haven't sent my Thank You notes....

Hi ESB,

You know who I am, but let's just call me Procrastinator Smith...

OK, so I know you deal with typical pre-wedding stuff, but how about post-wedding questions? Variety is the spice of life, right? RIGHT.

Well, here's a post-wedding question for you: I am embarassingly writing you because my wedding was in October and well, I have yet to send out Thank You notes to my vendors. I am starting to realize that since I procrastinated so much (reason being full-time work and the school year was intense and that I just suck at writing Thank You notes, in general) that I should send them unique 1-year anniversary Thank You notes come October. But since they will be horribly late (according to anyone with common etiquette), I need some MINDBLOWING ideas from your readers so my vendors will think "Oh, so that's why they took so damn long with their Thank You notes!" HELP!

THANK YOU, SUNSHINE!

Sincerely,
Procrastinator Smith

P.S. Pictures of my dude and I in the middle of a field with old furniture or pinwheels or balloons or bunting or fauxstaches on dowels need not apply.

*****

Don't try to blow anyone's mind. Just write the damn thank you notes.

Clémence Poésy by Ami Sioux for Wonderland Magazine via Le Fashion via Bri Emery

Blog of the Week(ish): THXTHXTHX

Leah posts a thank you note a day on THXTHXTHX, and I just spend the last hour scrolling all the way back through January.

You know when you land on someone's blog and you instantly get a weird crush-y feeling? Like you really really want to be friends with that person? And then you start to fantasize about how you actually might meet up someday because, I mean, you do live in the same city...

Yeah, that.

Via wit + delight