Greetings from Sunny Florida!

Where we still haven't called it for Obama. (Miami-Dade went to bed early last night?? wtf.)

H and I are visiting my mom in St. Petersburg, which is actually a pretty a cool little city…. except for the fact that the people are so fucking friendly. 

I DON'T LIKE TALKING TO PEOPLE.

I almost had a temper tantrum when my mom told me she made plans for us to go sightseeing with one of her friends this afternoon. (See: I DON'T LIKE TALKING TO PEOPLE.)

I think my introversion is getting worse.*

love,

me

p.s. GOBAMA! Graphic via the nytimes.

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*H says I'm milking it now that I have a name for it. I say who needs people when you have the internets?

Introvert caught in a big, white, wedding nightmare

Dear ESB,

Some background: My FH and I have always been at odds in the wedding that we wanted. I want to elope, he wants a big party. I would be totally fine with the big wedding if he were the one in the white dress (I know that I don't have to wear white, it's more of a metaphor).

Long story short, I agreed to a big wedding (with not much discussion, because it's just so important to him) in June 2013 with ~150 people. I was doing ok until our engagement party (hosted by his parents in Vermont) last week, when I got a taste of what the wedding is going to be like. Holy crap. I realized very abruptly that I don't want a big wedding. That I have been dreading the big wedding that we are planning for the last 3 months at least; having nightmares about running down the aisle in my unmentionables because I forgot to pick up my dress from the seamstress.

I'm not sleeping well (mostly due to the creative nightmares my overwrought brain is producing for my entertainment each night), and I've been sick since the engagement party, and I think it was the stress of the party that made me sick. I've also been having trouble focusing at work, because the wedding planning consumes my mind all day and all night, and because maybe if I get everything right I'll really enjoy it (crazy, I know). I also balk at the idea of spending the kind of money that we're planning to spend on a wedding that I'm not particularly excited about.

I don't want to be the center of attention. I never have. I'm happiest with a good book in front of a warm fire, or cuddling with my FH. I am not looking forward to being a bride, and I can't continue to carry around the amount of stress that this wedding is heaping onto me (or I am heaping onto myself) for the next 8 months. I want to think/talk/dream about something else! My FH is an amazing person. He's been taking on more and more of the planning to relieve my stress. But, I can't help feeling like having a big wedding is the price I have to pay for getting to marry him.

In the wake of the engagement party I suggested that we scrap the big white wedding in June, and try to pull something together to get married in Vermont on the weekend before New Year's Eve (Dec 29th or 30th) with just our immediate family and very close friends, about 20 people. He's not entirely opposed to the idea of a small Vermont wedding, because he can see how stressed I am about the big June wedding (it's not subtle), but he's worried that we will be inconveniencing the people that we do invite, disappointing that ones that we don't invite, and that it will be too stressful to pull off in such a short amount of time.

He thinks it's selfish to ask people to add us to their holiday plans, while I think that time between Christmas and New Year's is fair game. I have gotten very attached to the idea in a short amount of time because it relieves the pressure of the wedding planning that has been preying on my sanity.

*Is it asking too much of people in too short an amount of time?

*Would we be disappointing people if we scrap the big wedding (we haven't even sent out save-the-dates yet)?

*And is it selfish of me to want to abandon the big wedding when it would mean a lot to my FH to have it?

I'm asking you and your readers because I only have my own opinion as a reference (which is that if one of my close friends did this and asked me to be there I would bend over backwards to be a part of it, and be happy to do so), but I think we've established that I'm a little unusual (who doesn't want to be a bride!?), and I don't feel like I can trust my own instincts in this situation.

Help!
The Reluctant Bride

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Ladyfriend, you've got to work this out with your FH. *Are you* willing to pay the price (literally and figuratively) of a big fat white wedding in order to marry him?

Because it sounds to me like he's coming up with a lot of excuses for why the tiny impromptu-ish wedding won't work.

Lara Mullen by Josh Olins for Vogue UK April 2012 via c ktnon

Abby + Ted's Adorbs Berkshire Wedding

Abby was an early reader of ESB (long before she was engaged....) so it's super fun for me to be featuring her real live wedding photos. Super. Fun.

Here's what Abby and Ted had to say about their sweet little mountain wedding:

My rocker BF gave me a twist tie instead of a diamond, and it was perfect. In his music studio, surrounded by about 20 of his closest guitars and synths, Teddy proposed to me with a black twist tie he had fashioned into a ring -- a twist tie that a minute before had been holding together some cables. I wore it for about 24 hours, and then we picked out a stacker set by Rhode Island jewelry artist Heather Guidero. We had the original twist tie engagement ring cast in silver to preserve the spontaneous and totally metal nature of the proposal.

Teddy is an experimental sound artist and electronic musician, and I’m an architecture librarian, so we eloped in the mountains in an introvert’s paradise. Our wedding was a quiet, private, DIY celebration of us and what we've built and will continue to build. We got married in the Berkshire Mountains in Williamstown, Massachusetts with just our immediate family and a few friends, 12 people including us. We chose the Guesthouse at Field Farm as the venue because it’s one of our favorite places. It’s where we come to get away, read, write and be happy.

The Guesthouse at Field Farm is a mid-century 6-bedroom home that once belonged to a librarian and American art collector. There is a library, American paintings, books in every room, and original mid-century furniture. It's now a B&B on a nature preserve, so we rented the venue for the weekend, and had complete privacy. Design is important to us, and our venue was a place designed and built with love and an eye for minimal beauty.

We held the ceremony under a tree in a field, surrounded by mountains. Most of the flowers came from my Mom’s garden, including poppies which we put in the boutonnieres. My brother Pat walked me down the aisle, and my brother Brian was my MOH (Man of Honor). There was a flash storm, high winds, heavy rain and black skies for about an hour before the ceremony. But, just before, the sky opened up and the birds were freaking out. All I could hear was birds chirping, and I had so much fun during the ceremony. That surprised me. I was so present, in the moment and content. The ceremony was my favorite part.

A close runner up for favorite moment is the photo/skate sesh we had just before the ceremony. We hiked out to the main road, and my brothers tore down the hill on their skateboards in full suits, laughing like crazy as they just barely missed me. At one point, I had to wear Pat’s skate shoes to tromp into the muddy woods for photos. There I was in my Sarah Seven dress, holding my Jeffrey Campbell wedges and stomping into the forest in my brother’s huge, skate shoes. It was awesome.

After the ceremony, we had an intimate dinner at the Guesthouse in the dining room. We designed a minimal woodland chic tablescape, including a burlap runner, animal place card holders with library place cards, menus hand-typed by the groom, and airplants. We got a rad custom cake topper from Melabo, which was our first wedding purchase. The cake was a DELICIOUS gluten-free chocolate cake by our caterer, Wild Oats, a local farm co-op.

Following dinner, Teddy performed an original work called “Ceremony” in the garden. Here’s how he described that: 

“Ceremony, a site-specific sound installation created for our wedding day consists of 3 different instruments (acoustic guitar, sampled piano and modular synthesizer) each recorded onto their own cassettes. Each instrument was recorded in varying lengths and then looped at different intervals, each only repeating 1-3 times. The effect is somewhat hypnotizing as familiarity with each part is only partially established before the overall feel of the piece changes over time. The 3 cassettes are played in unison in their own individual players, each placed around the area where we were married.”

When the sun set, we celebrated with drinks and watched an entire field of fireflies blinking like nature glitter. It was one of the most incredible things I’ve seen.

Our photographers Jamie and Michelle of Rad + in Love were amazing. Like better-than-I-ever-could-have-imagined incredible. They helped us choose our ceremony and photo locations. They were fun and flexible, and guided us through the day. It was a privilege to have such talented, cool and stylish ladies be a part of our celebration. The energy they contributed to the weekend ended up helping to shape one of my most favorite weekends ever, and I can never thank them enough for being part of it.

We live in coastal Rhode Island, so we had a big post-elopement picnic with about 100 friends and family at the Meeting House in Tiverton, Rhode Island the week after our ceremony.

In the end, our wedding was exactly what we wanted, we shared it with people we love and made new friends in the process. And, WE’RE MARRIED. Seriously, it’s the best.

-Ted and Abby

Photos by Rad + In Love! Go see more over on their blog.

I consider my engagement and wedding to be the worst year of my life.

Dear ESB,

I imagine you have an overabundant supply of horror stories, but I thought I would contribute - for catharsis, if nothing else. I realize it might be way too long. If you decide to publish it, please keep it anonymous. 

I consider my engagement and wedding to be the worst year of my life. It was cosmically bad.

Starting with my engagement, my husband proposed during one of the worst, most chaotic times of my life. I was finishing up a bunch of requirements for my degree (which mean lots of exams) and planning to present a paper at a conference in Europe for the first time. Stress compounded by more stress. I was working constantly and getting sick from the amount of stress, plus we were in a long distance relationship. He proposes because he is sweet and loves me. I am shocked and too stressed out to respond with the proper amount of happiness and excitement, even though I knew I wanted to marry him. I don't have time or energy to call people and tell them the news, so our engagement begins not with a bang but a whimper. I call my bf and have her tell my friends. Pathetic, but not for someone running on four hours of sleep each night. We are in a long-distance, cross-country relationship so we have to spend the first few months of our engagement 1000 miles apart - which is not fun - until I can move to where he is, my hometown. It's hard to be excited or even to feign excitement when a colleague notices the ring on my finger. 

Then it gets really bad. Everyone expects me to start planning the wedding - my FH, my family, his family, my friends, are all asking questions. My FH and I are paying for the wedding with some help and have a budget under $10,000 (maxing out my possible student loans) but a guest list of 150 - which is doable if you plan it well and do everything yourself. There is not the possibility of hiring a wedding planner. My husband is a sweet-heart, but not up to the challenge of planning, booking, and organizing a large event. My mom is controlling and we have the opposite taste in everything, so she cannot be trusted with decisions. She also makes everything more difficult that it has to be - she could discuss table settings for weeks, when I need to make fast decisions without a lot of effort. She insists on stupid traditions, like having the table linens be the same shade as my dress - when we can't even afford table linens. (Do people actually do that shit?) I'm living 1000 miles from all my friends that could help and they are also pursuing degrees that make them equally busy. Despite these facts, everyone is asking me questions about the date, the venue, the decor, my colors, the bridesmaid dresses, themes, and other crap that I could not care less about because I am focusing on my education and career. When I respond with frustration, it is awkward. I'm engaged - shouldn't I be happily planning and chatting about how great the wedding flowers and my hair will be? My mom is furious at me that I'm not "including" her, even though I am not planning the wedding until I finish my degree requirements. My FH is texting me questions that I don't want to respond to, which creates friction and makes me look like a bitch… I tell everyone that no one is allowed to talk to me about the wedding until I am ready to plan it. I'm the worst bride-to-be ever. 

Then I complete my work and move back to be with my FH and my family. I move from the South where it is 90 degrees and humid to the North where it is 40 degrees and rainy, after completing three exams and pushing myself to finish a major project. I am so stressed out, which combined with the major climate change makes me very, very sick. Sicker than I have ever been. I have to go to the doctor multiple times a week for a month. I have a weakened immune system that will not revive itself. I essentially become sick in every way possible. My skin breaks out in rashes, I have multiple infections, I cannot stay awake, and I cannot digest anything. I feel so sick, I want to die. This goes on for months as I try to plan a DIY wedding on a budget in a tiny studio apartment. I try to have my mom help, but she questions my every decision and makes me feel bad that I cannot afford nice linens or big floral centerpieces or to have our entire huge-ass extended family attend the wedding. I have to cut her out so I don't lose my mind. None of my friends live in my hometown, so I can't have them help. I give my husband tasks that he can complete, but he isn't going to be able to do the invitation calligraphy or make centerpieces, so I do it alone while I'm sick and barely able to stay awake for ten hours at a time. Everyone wants to talk about weddings with me, unaware of how much I have begun to loathe weddings. Oh, and I somehow managed to sew over my finger with a sewing machine the week before the wedding when I was trying to sew table squares while dictating a letter to my MOH. Yes, my finger was completely impaled by a sewing needle and it was gross. I had to use the hand wheel to pull the needle out of my own finger. Luckily my MOH was a med student and not phased at all. 

Oh yeah, and the week before the wedding, my husband and I had to pack up all our belongings to prepare for a cross-country move for my work - so we had the stress of the wedding and moving at once. We were both cranky and over-worked leading up to the wedding. 

The wedding finally arrives and I am healthy! I have been practicing yoga and following a strict gluten-free, sugar-free diet to regain my health. The wedding is a disaster. First of all, I either did everything myself or hired someone who was clueless (which happens when you try to go cheap). Every time I tried to delegate work, it ended up being MORE work because the person would check back with me 5+ times even though I insisted that I did not care and that I trusted his or her best judgment. Or the person ended up complaining about the work, even though it was miniscule compared to what I was doing. (Who are these DIY brides who have friends and family that are willing to help without complaining!?) My mom continued to vocally protest every decision that I made EVEN on the wedding day. I had made detailed instructions for the bridal party and photographers, but no one payed attention and would either disappear or ask me what they were supposed to be doing. A week before I had emailed the photographer a list of shots that I had put together and coordinated with what shots family members wanted. The photographer did not have the list at the actual wedding and expected me to remember them all. My face was twitching during the photos because I felt so overwhelmed by trying to organize the chaos of my own wedding. One of my friends stepped in and helped manage everyone, so I could survive the ceremony. And of course my mom said something very rude to that friend, which made me cringe all over. She not only insulted me, but had to insult the person who was trying to help the most. Perfect. 

I was excited for the reception, which was at a different location (we did a church wedding). Everyone at the reception hall had detailed instructions and I met with the staff multiple times before the wedding. They seemed very capable. I was confident that everything would be beautiful and go smoothly. It did not. A lot of the decor was not set up - which is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but matters on a personal level if you made it by hand and had to forgo other things to spend money on it. The centerpieces looked awful - really awful! - because they had been half set up and so they looked pitifully small and weird. The staff had also sprinkled silica gel on tables because they didn't realize the little packets marked "toxic" were to make sure the dried flowers stayed dry. Silica gel is dangerous if consumed and is most definitely not glitter. We ran out of wine early at the reception, because we anticipated that more people would drink beer since it was summer, but that was not the case. An uncle also berated me about our wine selection,  which was disappointing since we had invested a lot of time in picking out the wine and money in having an open bar. Also, I had designated a friend to be in charge at the reception so no one would bother me, but the staff still came to me with every question. Everyone that I had hired for the wedding seemed capable before the event, and helplessly confused during it. I still have no idea how this happened. Luckily I got two glasses of wine before we ran out! 

I thought things would improve when the dancing started, but no. We had chosen to set up an iPod instead of getting a D.J. to save money. I've been to receptions that use an iPod instead of a DJ, and they have been awesome rock-your-socks-off dance fests. For some reason, it did not work for us. The music and chemistry of the crowd did not jive. People were not happy with the music we chose and kept making requests, which meant everyone was nagging my husband and me to change the music to a different song while we were trying to enjoy our reception. The venue was not conducive towards dancing either. It was not dim enough for our friends to feel comfortable dancing in view of my Quaker-like relatives that looked on with cold stares - and I had placed my these austere relatives right next to the dance floor, which was a horrible decision. Eventually the dance floor got going, but then the reception had to end. Leaving the reception with my husband was our favorite part! 

On top of having a somewhat disappointing wedding, my mom continues to criticize my wedding and all the decisions I made, and it happened over a year ago! Every time she attends a wedding she has to tell me how they did things better. This annoys my husband too. We're thinking of having a "no one is allowed to talk about our wedding ever again" rule. I limited contact with my mother because I was hurt by so many things she had said during the engagement and wedding, as well as afterwards. I needed time to recover.  

Even if circumstances had been friendlier or at least less unfortunate, my husband and I were somewhat doomed from the start. I have never enjoyed dressing up or being the center-of-attention. I also despise being treated like a princess  -- which is the default way to treat a bride, at least in my experience. My husband hates planning and is also an introvert, so he found the wedding stressful even though he was excited to get married. We did not really look forward to or enjoy our wedding that much, which is sad. Part of me wants to say that we should have eloped or "Damn familial obligations and social expectations!" But I can't quite say that. There was something really amazing about seeing how excited people were for us at our wedding. There was genuine, contagious joy, even in the chaos. So I'm happy that we included our family and friends in our wedding, even with all the stress. And now I have 1000 pictures of myself in case I want to become obsessed with my appearance!

Ye Olde Seating Chart Dilemma

Hi ESB,

I realize a seating chart question may be a little dull, but it seems like an issue that other brides may need some practical advice on. Anyway, here goes. 

We are having a small wedding. 50 guests max. Buffet-style dinner, so it's not like the caterers need to know where everyone will be seated. My parents are divorced, and not in an amicable kind of way. Some family members can't sit with others during dinner because of divorce-related tension, etc. I was planning all along to have a seating chart to micromanage this drama to the best of my ability. It's going to be a little tough to figure out how to arrange everyone so that no one feels excluded or like they got the short end of the seating stick. But I think I can figure it out. 

Anyway, now my MOH and FH are advocating for open seating. They make some decent points, i.e., that our wedding will have a more casual vibe, so assigned seating might be too formal. Another good point: if people end up sitting at a table they don't like, they can only blame themselves. However, I still worry that leaving all this to chance could lead to some uncomfortable situations.

I'd appreciate some outside perspective. 

Best,
Considering-Just-Banning-the-Mother-F'ing-Chairs

*****

MAKE A SEATING CHART (As in: TELL THEM WHICH CHAIRS TO SIT IN)

Trust me. With divorced and/or grudge-bearing family members running around, you'll all be much happier.

Photo: Lindsey Wixson by Terry Richardson for Purple Fashion F/W 2011 via Fashion Gone Rogue via Jessica Goldfond
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I won't even go into the whole introvert v. extrovert thing again. Fucking extroverts.