Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Please help me dress my boobs (Part 3: Dresses)

Once again, here's Celia, Queen of the Knockers:

Fuck yeah, dresses! Those boobs of yours look FABULOUS in lots of different dress styles, so let's put them in one, shall we? 

First, let's focus on some day dresses. If you feel lost in this department, no worries, 'cause I'm here to help. You don't need a shit ton of dresses, just two or three GOOD and versatile ones will make a prefect start to a a great boob-friendly dress collection. The beauty of a day dress is that you can pair it with your favorite sandals for casual activities, but also dress it up a bit for that bridal shower brunch you're obligated to go to. The three styles I'd suggest for you buxom beauties would be...

1. A Wrap Dress. Did you know that every time a busty girl complains about having to wear yet ANOTHER wrap dress, a fairy dies? Here's the thing, home slice, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I know there are way too many uber boring wrap dresses out there, and it's so discouraging to search through hundreds of them, but I promise you, there are AMAZING ones, too, that are anything but boring. You just have to do your homework. I think it's safe to say that most designers come up with some form of wrap dress every season. If there's a designer you love, scout out their wrap dresses and buy one. The wrap dress is a no-brainer, so do yourself a favor and stop fighting it. 

2. The Perfect Shift. Shift dresses actually work well for both gazongas and itty-bitties, but if you want to see exactly the kind of magic they can create for your ample bust line, just take a look here. Enough said. 

P.S. A little concerned about how the rest of you will look in a shift? Here are your options: start hitting the gym, or take *my* lazy-ass approach and buy yourself some good undergarments. If you think Christina Hendricks isn't wearing a girdle in that photo, you are majorly confused, my friend.

3. A Non-Boxy Shirt Dress. The wrong shirt dress can be disastrous for those DDs of yours, but the right shirt dress can be unbelievably flattering. The one above does not have a button closure, which already makes it a winner for your monster tits. The cinched waist will flatter your figure, and the flouncy skirt will create that balance I spoke of in my last post. Also, I want to take the time to talk about dresses with sleeves. I know that they aren't exactly the most popular (quite frankly, I have no idea why), but sleeves compliment big boobs in the best way. Give them a try; I have a feeling you won't be disappointed. 

Alright, ladies, let's move onto "da club" (if that's your thing), and all other nighttime activities. Before we start discussing dress styles, we need to have a little talk, mkay? Everyone seems to think you've been *blessed* with these massive tits of yours, but most of the time you find them to be quite an annoyance that are impossible to dress for, am I right? So, defeated, you give into those tits of yours and try your very best to squeeze your melons into a dress that was made for the tiniest titties available. The result is bad, REAL BAD. Big boobed girls look at you and know you're the girl who doesn't know how to dress for her body, and everyone else looks at you and thinks, "SLUT." The truth is, we're not blessed, but rather *cursed* with some sort of naturally skanky physique. For some reason, people can't look at a hefty pair of knockers without sex coming to mind, and you've fallen victim. What's a big-titted girl to do? Do we wear turtlenecks our whole lives and walk around looking like nuns? Of course not, silly buddons! There's absolutely nothing wrong with showing a little tit from time to time, BUT there is a very fine line. For example...

Alright, there's A TON wrong with the picture on the right, but we're only here to talk about the boobs. Notice that Ms. Dennings is concealing just a tiny bit more in the picture on the left, yet it manages to make a HUGE difference. The picture on the left looks sexy, but at the same time, refined, polished, and sophisticated. The picture on the right looks straight up crazytown. A FINE LINE.

I'm not here to tell you how to dress, ladies, but I am here to shamelessly tell you that when yo' titties are all up in everyone's face, you end up looking kinda ridiculous. If that happens to be your thing, however, and you just LOVE pinning pictures of the Kardashians, then by all means, live the dream. BUT, the next time someone who's met you on more than one occasion can't seem to remember your face because they were too busy waiting for one of your nipples to pop out, don't go crying wolf. People stare at big tits; Men stare at big tits, women stare at big tits, women with big tits stare at big tits. I don't know what it is, but evolutionarily, we can't seem to help it. If you have a problem with people staring at your big, fat mammaries all the damn time, then all you've got to do is give them a little less to stare at. It's quite simple, actually. 

Time to party in the right dress...

1. The Classic LBD. Every girl, not matter what size bra she wears, NEEDS the perfect LBD that she can wear to just about any occasion. When I buy LBDs, I prefer to go classic. I'd highly recommend vintage, but if that's not your thing, vintage-inspired is usually on the right track. The thing about the perfect, classic LBD is that you'll never get sick of it, and when the last thing you want to do (or can do) is shop for a new dress, your LBD will always save the day. No need to be boring, get yourself a LBD with some fun features. Draping around the neckline will always flatter a full bust. And as always, make sure to try on dresses that add definition to your waist. Black, of course, is slimming, but big boobs tend to have a sneaky little way of making you look 20 lb. heavier if you're not careful.

2. A Dress That Will Make Heads Turn. Remember, just because I told you to cover up a bit, doesn't mean you can't leave the house looking like a total sex pot. You can, and you should! Typically, I like to achieve this by covering a bit on top, and showing a bit more on the bottom. My general rule that I use *most* of the time is, long sleeves/short hem and long hem/short or no sleeves. The plunging V neck in the dress above will show plenty, and the batwing sleeves are ultra flattering for your boob-tastic bod. And, hello? SPARKLES!

3. The Unexpected Dress. Often times, I find that well endowed women tend to think that they just don't have that many options when it comes to having fun with their clothes. Yes, I agree that WAY TOO MANY designers make clothes for all those 34Bs out there, but that doesn't mean you can't find something totally awesome for yourself. After TONS of research, I came across that Alice & Olivia Ombre dress. It's different, it's great for so many different occasions, AND you can wear a regular bra with it. Was it worth all my time and effort? You bet it was!

I hope you're all gaining a better understanding of what will work best for you. Seeing as this is a wedding blog, we'll be discussing the cherry on top next... WEDDING DRESSES. 

Cel, you rule. As a just-barely-maybe-member-of-the-big-tit-club, may I just say? DAMN I AM LEARNING A LOT THIS WEEK.

If you've just fallen onto the "Please help me dress my boobs" series, be sure to catch Part 1: Bras (which will change your life, doesn't matter how big/small your knockers are) + Part 2: Regular Clothes.


  1. While it is true that I am a girl who ranges in the A to AA cup size, I found this fascinating, and then proceeded to forward these posts to any of my friend who happen to be a D or higher. Amazing ESB and Celia.

  2. Loving this series, thanks Celia and ESB!

  3. First - awesome series. I'm bra shopping this weekend. Thanks!
    Second - I LOVE the show stopper dress, but can't afford the $388 price tag. For once I've got somewhere to wear something like that, but my budget is closer to $100... Does that exist in my price range?

  4. that kat boobs comparison photo is spot on

    now I'm fantasy dress shopping. someone take me someplace fancy so I can wear it.

  5. Skanky physique is right! Do you know how many times I ended up in the principals office for wearing the exact same thing as my girlfriends in high-school. Seriously the exact same outfit. We traded clothes. I learned to cover it up quick.

    I'm personally a fan of the 3/4 sleeve. Less commitment then the full sleeve and I'm not running my sleeve through everything on any desk/counter/sink.

    p.s. Your shirt-dress has nips;)

  6. LOVING this Big Tataz series, because holy sh*t is dressing up my big tataz the story of my life. If you can spring for them, DVF dresses in general seem to fit the bombshell figuuuure quite deliciously.

  7. do everyone a favor and get a life and stop telling everyone that you are a woman every one knows it, i think that noone needs to hear it all the time, i am sure that there are a lot of people out there that are sick of hearing woman this woman that. everyone can see what you are and can tell what you are, i think that it is very obivous. i know that i am sick of hearing it and haveing it shoved down my throate all the time. i always hear all you girls talk about you want to be treated with respect , equality, treated the same and every thing elese that i always hear the same complaints. here's a clue for all of you, start by dressing more like a lady should for example: wear shirts that do not show your bra straps, wear pants that do not look like they are painted on you, wear things that will flatter your figure not make you look like something that will get you the wrong attention. if you don not like guys makeing rude comments at you then change the way that you are dressing. less makeup can be more actrative than something that looks like it was applied with a putty knife. tight fitting clothes are not the way to get the right attention at all, the only attention tight fitting clothes will get you is the kind of attention that you will not wish to recieve at all. wearing a dress that goes way to high up your thigh is not very lady like at all it looks very cheesy big time and cheap, it sends the wrong message and you won't find mr wright dressing like that at all. i know that all of the ladys out there are modern and so today and a lot of them are into the latest fashion thing, but do youe self a favore don't be a slave to fashion the only person who is realy getting rich off of you is the company that is makeing the stuff that you are buying.