Guest List Advice, for the love of god!

Dear ESB,

I'm a new reader to your blog and I appreciate your sage and brutally honest advice. I'm having a hard time with this one, so I figured I'd give this a shot:

My younger sister rushed into her wedding back in December 2012. The guy she married is a young, has-a-temper, soon-to-be-career-military guy, and their impetus to wed was likely due to his future relocation to the West coast. My sister did most of the planning in secret, didn't involve our family which was quite hurtful, and was generally a defensive ball of fire the months before her wedding. My Mom and I asked if she was really sure this was the guy she wanted to be with, which my sister of course told him about this, and he proceeds to berate my Mom with text messages in the middle of the night (real stand-up guy). Needless to say, he's not well-liked among my family, and we're not well-liked by his. Her ceremony was held at a chapel on an army base, and her reception in a hotel basement ballroom.

The week before her wedding, I get a text message from my sister that says her fiance is wary of having me at the wedding and that I need to call him to smooth things over. I told my sister that I didn't particularly want to speak with someone who has a clear anger management problem, and if needed to speak with me so badly, he could come to me himself. I come to find out that he's already called the army base security to let them know that I was to be arrested on sight. Not wanting to be arrested on a military base, I was essentially being told I couldn't attend my sister's wedding. My sister, unable or unwilling to convince him to change his mind, couldn't do much, so I stayed at the hotel to catch up on my wine drinking while the rest of my family went to the chapel. Since my parents financed most of the reception, I was allowed to attend that, although my sister didn't speak with me the entire night. Nor for months after that, despite calling, texting, and emailing. My sister and I are still trying to patch up our relationship, months later.

My fiance and I waited to get engaged until her wedding was over to avoid claims of spotlight-stealing. Now that we're planning our wedding, we've come to that sticky point on our guest list. We want to invite my sister, but I don't particularly want to have her husband attend our wedding. My fiance seems to think our wedding would be a great way to extend the olive branch; I think its a horrible idea and think its a waste of money for him to bad-mouth me and my family, get super-drunk, and pick fights with people. How do we resolve this? And how can I invite my sister without him showing up?

Thanks for any advice you can provide. I'd appreciate it.

*****

EXTEND THE DAMN OLIVE BRANCH.

Be the bigger person.

Turn the other cheek.

&c.



Your sister is married to this guy. You can't just not invite him to family functions for the next 50 years.

AVA SMITH BY ALEXANDER NEUMANN FOR FLAUNT #127 via Visual Optimism

The Special Snowflake, again

Hi ESB,

I just wanted to write and thank you, and your readers, for your great advice about my "special snowflake" sister/MOH and the +1 dilemma. I did what you suggested (pulled my head out of my ass and invited the boyfriend). My mother told me that she thinks I'm a bitch who needs therapy "for putting my sister through such trouble" and the grandparents were less-than-thrilled, but my sister was happy, and all was well. I felt better, sister felt better, things were good.

Then he got sick and missed the wedding and reception anyway.

Win/win?

Anyway, thanks for your advice. It put my mind at ease knowing that I made my sister feel better, and I needed input from somebody outside my immediate circle.

Sincerely,

All's Well That Ends Well

*****

WIN/FUCKING WIN

Sophie Vlaming by Klaas Jan Kliphuis via café au lait

Bridal party woes

Hi ESB, 

My wonderful fiance and I are getting married in August and when we got engaged I decided I wanted to forgo having a traditional bridal party. But now my sister and sister-in-law are upset that they're not "involved" in our wedding, and while they keep saying that it's my day and I can do what I want, I feel like they're upset I'm not having a bridal party and they're not in it. 

So, I'm thinking of having all the siblings walk down the aisle before the ceremony (a la a traditional wedding), but instead of having them stand up there with us, I was just going to have them take their seats in the front row (I'm also thinking of giving them all readings as well). This seems to have calmed them down a bit, but now my mother is saying that I should probably involve my friends in the ceremony as well. My mother is very well-meaning and I respect her opinion, but this wedding is turning into me figuring out how I can keep everyone happy and it's starting to stress me out. 

Do you think I need to try and include my friends in the ceremony if I'm now including family? And if so, do you have any good ideas as to how I can do it?

Thank you! 

- My wedding is being hijacked 

*****

People will get upset NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. And then they'll get over it.

But if you don't stand up for what you want, you don't get to whine about how your wedding is being "hijacked."

Claudio Parentela via Fashion Salad

My sister is a special snowflake

Dear ESB,

My two-years younger sister, who is also my Maid of Honor, is a special, slightly psychotic, snowflake. She got married, years ago, and I was by her side as her MOH for her big day, and did all of the stuff that goes along with that title. That marriage ended, and about a year later she got married again (to a guy I had never met). Once again, I put on my big girl pants and did the MOH thing, including flying to the other side of the country with 2 months notice to throw her a bachelorette party and watch her get married all over again. One year later (fall of 2012) she was divorced again. I was there for her from courtship to demise in both instances.

Currently, I am preparing to get married in July (and have been engaged for about 2 years). My sister is my MOH (I didn't consider anyone else, as I have only one sister and my family would FREAK if she weren't IT) and she has been absent. To say she doesn't give a sh*t about any of it would be an understatement; she hasn't asked about the wedding in months. 

She, of course, has a new serious boyfriend whom she wants to bring to the wedding, and I told her no. Not only do we not have enough room, but I really don't want this guy (whom I've never met) at my wedding. My entire family will, of course, be present and I know that if she brings this new guy, so soon after her second divorce, the family will spend the entire night whispering about THAT. She told me that if she's traveling all the way to my wedding (which is taking place in the city where I currently live, in another state a fair distance from hometown where she still resides) she thinks she should get to bring him. At which point I told her that if she doesn't want to come without a date, then she shouldn't come.

We are barely on speaking terms, now, but she's still planning on coming and says "it's no big deal" about new boyfriend, but I know better. I also know you're always telling brides to invite only who they want there and not to care about the rest of it, but I'm having a really hard time NOT freaking out about my sister throwing a hissy fit at my wedding because she doesn't have a date.

Sincerely,
Scared of my sister

*****

You know your sister is flaky, but you ask her to be your maid of honor ANYWAY, and then you get all pissy when she acts like a flake?

If you don't let her bring a date, your whole family will feel sorry for her and whisper "Poor thing, she's already been divorced twice." What do you want them to talk about? YOU and how gorgeous you look in your dress? That takes FIVE SECONDS.

Blame Spring 2013 via Fashion Gone Rogue

Longest email correspondence in the history of ever about Toms and why you have to wear them in my wedding

from:    K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

to:      eastsidebride@gmail.com

date:    Thu, Jul 12, 2012 at 8:45 PM

subject: Fwd: Shoes dress

If you post these, please leave the names out.

Thanks - Oh, and there's a Part 2 to this.

After she insults my choice in this email, she sent another where she contacts Toms customer service to inquire about returning the shoes, before I even see anything.

On Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 5:39 AM, Vxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:

Hi K…. I think the dress is awesome I need to have mine altered I obviously had it measured and fitted for me but I mean you know it is the standard size so I have to have it fitted down to fit perfectly so that it looks awesome or even awesomeror if that even is a word but it is great. I'm however worried I don't think that the shoes do it justice at all in fact even detract from how nice it is...

I took the shoes in with me when I picked up my dress and all the ladies at the bridal shop both young and old said that if you really wanted to wear those shoes with that dress you should really be above the knee at the very least because this shoes are so overpowering. On the bright side they are the right color navy which is very hard to do. But for a dress so beautiful they showed me a zillion options not because they were trying to sell them just because its better to have a very low Garden heel that is very thick and easy to walk on that looks very much like a sandal or even no heel at all and just go with the sandal that's elegant or whatever and just use those at the end of the night, they suggested.

Hope this makes sense I used dragon dictation during my commute!

On Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 10:12 AM, Kxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:

Hey Vixx -

I'm happy that you like the dress! I have to ask, does it fall below the knee? Because I thought that it was supposed to be knee length. The look I was going for with the bridesmaids is similar to the attached pictures, most of which have knee length dresses with the Toms shoes. Could you send me a picture of you in the dress with the shoes so that I can get a better idea of the look. It might help me understand where the concerns and to decide if changing all of the shoes is the better option. Understand that the shoes may not be able to be returned and the money we spent on them as a gift and for achieving the look is something I was hoping wouldn't be an issue.

Please send a picture so that I can get a better idea of what's going on (it is hard to plan these things with everyone so far away). Also, I've attached some pictures to help you see the unconventional/quirky cute that reflects who I am. Hopefully it gives you a comparison for dress length? I was hoping for at the knee to just above the knee but I really don't know what the dress looks like in chiffon so that might change things. 

Also, as I said before, you're welcome to dress up the canvas shoes however you would like in order to make it your own... (there's a picture for that as well)

Love ya!

Kxxxxx

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Date: Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 12:59 PM

Subject: Re: Shoes dress

To: K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It hits right at where the picture shows it hits: http://www.bestbridalprices.com/jasmine-b2-maternity-bridesmaid-dresses-style-b3085-p-81774.html?cPath=1131&designers=80

So, if you wanted it above knee, it'll definitely have to be hemmed...be a good 4 inches at least....chiffon will cost more to hem & there is an underskirt that is like a ruffled/poofy underlayer to give it a tiny big of volume (undetectable, it's just so that the chiffon doesn't do a cling-wrap thing to you, but if you hem it up too far that stuff might actually fling out and around like an 80s madonna like a virgin style...

I understand about not wanting to sacrifice the shoes, they aren't cheap, they were a gift to everyone, I LOVE tom's mission & what the company does and I am definitely going to wear them A LOT! at the same time...i can't force a fake "ya, um, they look okay" just to make them fit the bill for your wedding.  you want everything in your wedding to look be and feel spectacular and years from now when you look at pictures of all of us you might wonder who picked out the bridesmaid's boat shoes for the middle of the summer with that kind of dress... not trying to be mean, just trying to be ridiculously honest - something I just do...because that's no only what you might think years from now when you look at photos, that's what all the guests are actually going to be thinking and we're all gonna say "kxxx made us wear these" lol!

But, going back to the shoes.... we can definitely dress them up- to match the dress, the wedding, each other, etc...i have LIMITLESS ideas when it comes to this stuff... i'm a craft magician...and I don't mean, let's giltter glue them....i can make shoes that princess kate would mistake for a royal hat for her head! kentucky derby shoes? ever hear of them? well, i might just invent them... it would be amazing to put a white/cream color rosette on each shoe (not too big) and then have a feather or two in an arrangement wrapping out from and around to frame the shoe, maybe with a few other exquisite details, subtle, but exquisite.  In a way, it wuold be a metaphor for rags to riches and they'd also be going from (in a sense) something old to something new and of course, they are already blue... if you have while ones, we could decorate the same style-ish (or a mirror/suggestive) with a blue flower/feathers - essence of peacock?  that'd be awesome under your long dress...the devil is in the details...

I think the biggest problem with the shoe style itself is not that they are canvas flats, it's that they are like a FULL coverage boat shoe canvas flat.  I went to the website and saw the ballet flats style ones...you maybe could pass better with those - is it possible to do an exchange?  If it's too much of a hassle, then forget about it.  I also think it may have been better to not try to match the dress with a shoe like that and instead either go for something seriously neutral so that it's not overpowering (so you have to back that dress up), OR, go with something quirky and totally different altogether that simply says, yes! I DID pick out these fun, nontraditional shoes and they are SO different I want to showcase them, see how you can't help but look back and forth at my dress because you don't know *which* one is cooler????  Instead, the full coverage navy canvas shoe with the just below the knee dress kind of promotes a blind spot and not only do they not do the dress justice, they kind of overpower it.  

I hate to tell you all this stuff because you have so much to plan & so much stuff going on & I'm hoping everything is going easily otherwise!! I just think when you put these altogether, you might regret it later on if not right away.  I'll try to get xxx to get a picture of me in the dress with the shoes, but he keeps laughing at me and so do the kids (they call them granny shoes) and it's embarrassing and I KNOW you put everything on facebook (which i don't even have btw!!).   

In shrubbery: 

1.) the dress is SPECTACULAR as is- I definitely dont think we should hem it on account of those shoes - or ANY shoes!! the length is perfect! it's perfect! i was skeptical, but not i'm completely thrilled with it!!!

2.) the shoes are the frog to the princess dress.  i love the shoes on their own and will wear them all the time for other reasons if we dont nd up using them for this wedding.  if it's possible to exchange them without too much hassle, we should look into that versus having to hem the dress.  the chiffon and the underliner of the dress may prove more of a hassle to hem then exchanging tom's shoes.  nevertheless, if you still want to use those shoes, you MUST BELIEVE and TRUST FULLY, that I can come up with a MASTERPIECE for all of our shoes that might very likely make it into an art museum.  If you're willing to go that route, I'd be willing to help out with all the girls' shoes so that the design is consistent.  I know you haven't seen the sewing/craft/home decor/costume work that i've done for my paying clients, but I can assure you that you will be blown away!!!

*****

from:     K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

to:       eastsidebride@gmail.com

date:     Thu, Jul 12, 2012 at 8:49 PM

subject:  Shoes and Dress Part 2

Here is the Part 2: where she sends the conversation between her and the Toms representative.

Again, no names when posting please! Thanks!

But yeah, I need to vent - I'm angry that 1) she's being stubborn and won't send a photo and 2) she flat out insults my choice in an attempt to bully me into what she wants.

By the way, this is my sister.

On Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 1:51 PM, Vxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx   wrote:

Hi Kxxxxx- I just went on the Tom's website & chatted live w/ a customer service rep regarding returns/exchanges JUST SO THAT YOU KNOW IT'S A POSSIBLILITY THAT I AM WILLING TO COORDINATE FOR YOU - please don't feel pressured- I'm just trying to help & letting you know I'm willing to coordingate this if this is what the girls want to do... just in case all the girls want to do this.. Please don't feel pressured - I'm only trying to help so I'm pasting the chat conversation below so you can see exactly what the option for exchange/return is as a viable route:

[Sparing you an excruciatingly boring chat with the TOMS Customer Happiness Team.]

On Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 4:04 PM, K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:

The other two girls love their shoes. and I love mine and Dxxxxx loves them on me with my dress. I know you don't like them, but if you're not even giving my style a chance and I hate to say it, but it's my wedding and my vision and I'm getting insulted by these emails.

Give me a chance to think about things because it was one of the things I really wanted for my wedding - a decision I made months ago (actually I was originally going to wear my Chuck Taylors but opted for the ivory Toms). They are not your style, I understand - but they are MY style. Please stop trying to force me into this decision because it's not your taste.

And please send a picture so that I can see and decide for myself. Thanks.

On Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 4:02 PM, Vxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  wrote:

of course they look good with the wedding dress, tons of brides wear with long dresses with comfortable shoes because with a long dress you don't see the shoes anyway. lol.  

i'm glad the other girls like their shoes with their dresses when they tried them on.  it's funny mine took soo long to arrive at the bridal shop though- they seem to have gotten their dresses pretty quickly as I thought i was the first to order the dress - remember when we thought the navy color was different & you had to let the others know? oh well. 

in any case, you asked me for my opinion about the shoes, about the dress, and about the shoes AND the dress and i took the time to give you an honest answer. 

i'm sorry you feel insulted by my honest response and additionally by my suggestions for possible back-up plans in case the other girls had any of the same feelings as i thought an honest explanation, followed an offer to help in contingency options if needed was far better than simply stating "the shoes on their own are great, but put it with the dress and you get that 'just got out of the locker room at penn state; navy towel wrapped around & blue cozy slippers' look; you just need a navy turbie twist for the hair!".   i certainly was not just going lie and say something like; "oh ya, i just love them, they're wicked cute...they're gonna be so comfortable...and they look so good".  Sorry, but that would be a blatant lie and I just can't say that.  I expect that when i ask someone for an honest opinion in my life that i think i can trust they could give me an honest answer - that's why I ask for their opinion in the first place.

OF COURSE it's your wedding Kxxx and it is and has been your vision. please don't get/stay defensive and emotional or misinterpret my feedback:  i'm not trying to force you to do anything- you merely asked my opinion, and i gave you my truthful answer along with further explanation, in earnest.  if you don't like my opinion, simply don't ask me for my opinion. 

it's your wedding, you should have what you want, your style, your vision, the other girls should also have what they want and love.  i'm totally happy for you and with all that and as long as you are happy that's all that matters.. if you really already know everything you want for your wedding and planned these shoes as your "vision" long ago, then why even ask??   it seems your decision has been made and you don't need a picture from me that would help you decide anyway.  in any case, since the other girls already love their shoes with their dress and are also convinced they are great, i'm sure they'll have much more fun sending pictures back & forth with you as I have very limited time and I dont even have a facebook account... you can all decide among yourselves - i'll do whatever you want - it's your wedding.  but, please don't ask me for my opinions anymore: just keep me in the loop. thanks!

On Jul 10, 2012, at 7:59 PM, Kxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:

V  -

It's not that I was insulted because of the options you gave - It seemed parts of your email contained failed contempt where you called them "granny" and "boat" shoes. I was also insulted when you told me you couldn't send a picture because xxx and the boys were laughing at you, making fun of you due to the combination of shoes/dress that I chose. I know they are not your style, and you can give me your opinion - but there is a better way to do so than through insults.

I definitely did not appreciate that you contacted Toms about their return/exchange policy before I could even make a decision. I have to look at the wedding from a whole perspective and one pair of shoes that might not be your favorite may fit into the theme. The girls love the shoes; however, they do not have their dresses yet to try them on so I (and they) are curious as to how they look. It would help me decide whether or not to change the shoe color/fabric etc. if I could see what it looks like.

I can tell by your emails that you do not like the combination, but I don't know whether or I not I like it without seeing it. You could have been more tactful in how you approached telling me your opinion, you were very hurtful and it upset me quite a bit.

I am asking that you send a picture so that I can make a decision and so that we are not making last minute changes. I've been planning this wedding with people long distance for months. You have no idea how difficult it is to coordinate long distance with no one locally to help. Since you are the only person who has seen the combination, getting back feedback that basically says "you did a shitty job and you suck at planning your own wedding and your taste level is sub-par" is extremely hurtful and in no way helps me continue to plan this wedding or make a final decision on this matter.

If I had a picture, I might completely agree with you - I am counting on my bridesmaids to help me out with this; but I cannot not blindly have decisions made long-distance. It's been stressful enough getting all the information out. If you are unwilling to send a picture than I am at a loss and might have to go with the original shoe especially if the other girls don't receive their dresses until much later. At which point, I won't be able to change anything. So it's not just keeping you in the loop - I need your help and snide opinions aside, it would be helpful if I could see what it looks like.

If you could please send a picture, I would appreciate it. It would be keeping me "in the loop". Thanks!

Kxxxx

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: Vxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Date: Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 8:14 PM

Subject: Re: Tom's Shoes Online chat re: returns/exchanges - option for ya! :)

To: Kxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kxxxxx, my opinion on what the shoes look like with the dress have no bearing on how you are planning your wedding overall.  I think you are overreacting quite hastily and rudely to my feedback and taking it way too personally and in turn taking it way out of context and beginning to implicate every other aspect of your wedding planning. Im not lying when the boys said "boat" and "granny" to describe the shoes and I won't apologize for their comments either nor my honest opinion about the shoes with the dress as they nor I were not trying to make insults either, merely observations of what the shoes looked like to them because we are ALL entitled to our own opinions.  I get it Kxxxxx- it's your style, not mine, not th bridal shops, not the boys, nor xxxs, nobodys, its yours- u are unique- that's perfectly fine!!! Again though, If you don't want to hear my opinion then don't ask for it and if you ask me for my opinion and you don't agree with it don't FLIP out against me and every aspect of your wedding planning and style and who knows what's next...

Im not sorry for my own opinions, that would be dishonest, but I am sorry that all of my communication you feel you need to perceive as insult and it is really unhealthy.  I'm quite shocked that you are upset that I contacted Tom's:it was only a preliminary inquiry to find out how difficult any kind of an exchange *might* be *if* we needed to go down that route after you expressed it would be a hassle for u at this point my only intent was to try to take some load off your shoulders: I did not give them your name nor any other details that would have related Kxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx's order to the purchases made at Tom's therefore it still stands as a simple general inquiry to their general process.  I still see no harm in that- again, u need to understand that I made no decision for you, only provided you with additional information to HELP you make YOUR OWN choice.  If you want to choose to be upset about that, then you are overreacting and turning this entire situation into something it certainly isn't just because you're mad that I don't like the shoes. So what. Get over it- I'm the one that has to wear them not you.

*****

APPAREL FOR YOUR WEDDING DOES NOT COUNT AS A BRIDESMAIDS GIFT. 

Also: Toms suck.

Do you even read this blog??

please convince me to have my wedding

Hi ESB.

FH and I are having a very small, intimate wedding. We rented a big house in the woods, invited immediate family and a few dear friends to spend 5 days with us, housing / food (we'll cook) provided. Less than 20 people. At some point we'll do a small ceremony outside with FH's dad officiating and then have a hopefully affordable catered dinner on the deck and party all night. It's exactly what we wanted.

Except, my immediate family... are kind of assholes. Very, very tiny things regularly set them off. Last week, after discovering FH and I had taken down an online video of us giving wedding details, and my mother was outraged when she went to show it to someone and it wasn't there. This prompted her to say "she didn't even want to come," she "doesn't want me as her daughter," and "all I care about is her paying the bill." My sister seconded this with a lecture about how selfish I am to, and this is a quote, "rob (my family) of the dream wedding (they've) always had for me." She expressed that I have "stolen" from her the opportunity to be in the bridal party with "the dress" and place of honor in front of 300 people. She says it's not fair. (And no, she's not 12.  She's 22.) She's MOH, by the way.

Obviously, this really, really hurts. But to be honest this isn't outrageous coming from either of them. My mother has a terrible temper, she flies off the handle, and she says whatever she wants. By next week she will have gotten over/completely forgotten it. My sister is The Drama Queen. Several months ago she said she wouldn't come because we didn't give her a +1. (And no, she is not in a relationship.)

Please believe me that I am a strong, communicative person (despite my family, and thanks to years in therapy) and if I didn't know that trying to calmly express to them that this is a day about love, and intimacy with a few close people (based on expenses, not the desire to exclude extended family, etc) would only backfire into more vitriol from them... I would try. But this isn't how they operate. This is a cycle I am familiar with. Small issue, explosion and nastiness spewed all over me, and then they get over it and it just "never happened." Trying to defend myself (at all, evenly calmly and apologetically) only results in a longer, more drawn-out blow-out. All I can do is apologize (hollowly) and wait it out.

But. They make me so sad, and they hurt me so much. At this point, I don't want to have this wedding.

I want to go to the courthouse, do the deed, and move to the moon to avoid the anger eloping would cause. I don't feel able to finalize the catering bill that my mother is paying for, and/or all the other expenses we couldn't afford without help from my parents. She offers to pay (we never, never asked her to) but then says shit like "I'm only good for sucking her dry." It's a nasty, manipulative game. If I told her we would pay ourselves, she would be offended by that as well. It would be "shutting her out."

But FH is a supportive and strong darling and won't budge on the fact that we're having this beautiful wedding and it will be joyful and celebratory and my crazy family is not going to take that away from us. And he's right, I know. He is amazingly supportive and sweet. He is the family I got to choose for myself. But he has a darling mother and family, and probably can't accurately imagine what I feel like. I am just an adult child who wants my mother and sister to be sweet and happy for me.

I guess I was just hoping for some encouragement. I need you and your readers' spunk and support to help me put this in perspective. I need to get back to a place where I am excited to be having this beautiful, tiny wedding in the trees with my dearest friends, and yes, my immediate family. Because I do want them there. They are, after all, my family. But right now... I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there. With FH. And no telephone.

*****

HAVE YOUR WEDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And for fuck's sake, stop apologizing to these people.

You can't make them be happy for you. No matter what you do. Haven't you been over this with your therapist??

Kate Moss by Juergen Teller for Vogue (December 1994) via Maia McDonald via Sasha Darling

blah blah MOH, blah blah guest list

Hello,

I wrote a year or so ago regarding my man taking too long to propose and you told me to chill the fuck out or ask him already. I did neither, although it was sound advice. So this past weekend he finally did ask me and we are very excited to move on with our lives. I am not even sure what kind of wedding we want yet, but we do know a few things, including that we don't want a bridesmaids or groomsmen. My main reason is that traditionally my sisters are always each other's MOH, and I don't want my sister to be mine! I am the last to marry, so I would be really insulting her if I don't ask her, but I have several girlfriends that I am much closer with. I think secretly she would hate the task too, but would dutifully do it. I was her MOH, and I hated it and she was a horrible bride. So is the only solution to just not have a wedding party at all? If so, who signs the license?

A little background info - my man and I have been together for 9 years and have a child, home, and dog together already. We just want a big fun gorgeous party. I don't want a bridal shower and we are not registering for gifts or any of that. 

A second, related question is - how do we get out of inviting aunts, uncles, and cousins that we never talk to? Do we just invite everyone and not worry about it or can we say only our best friends and close family are invited?

Thanks! 

*****

DO YOU EVEN READ THIS BLOG??

You people make me tired.

1. Ask whoever you want to be your MOH and/or sign the damn license.

2. Yes, you can say that only close friends and family are invited. (SEE, YOU DO READ THIS BLOG.)

Like you're going to follow my advice anyway. Who are we kidding.


"B u r n t" by Robert Wun via Clik clk via lucille {m}

My BrideZilla Moment

Dear ESB,

I've debated whether or not I should ask you (and your lovely commenters) this because I'm afraid I already know the answer. But I'm so torn about it!

I kind of.... hate my sister/moh's girlfriend. I've NEVER told or even hinted at this. I mean, she makes my sister happy and SHE loves her so why the hell should my feelings about the gf matter? They don't! I've also recently learned that a lot of my family doesn't either. Both my parents, my other sister, my groom, several close friends... we're all on the same boat of dislike but have never breathed the tiniest word about it. Partly because it isn't our place but partially because my sister is really sensitive/get REALLY offended REALLY easily. But I don't know how to emphasize how unlikable she is! My mom, who never talks bad about anyone, calls her a manipulative liar! In the past she's lied about things just to cause drama between my sister and I. She baby talks ALL the time! She always butts in advice when no one has asked! When she gets drunk she becomes super rude and will pick fights with anyone, my sister included. Then they bicker in front of everyone making us all uncomfortable. She even really inappropriately flirts with my fiance! She just doesn't understand how to properly behave at least 75% of the time.

To cut to the chase, the gf's presence irks me so much that I want to figure out a way to ask my sister VERY politely to not get ready with us pre-wedding. OF COURSE she's still invited to the actual wedding, just the morning hair/makeup/familypre-bonding time. But the gf is SO used to be included in all family events even sister-days.

I'm worried that 1) asking will offend my sister SO MUCH that it'll ruin or make the wedding day super awkward and a thousand times worse than if I had just sucked up and let the gf hang around. 2) Asking will reveal my well hidden complete dislike of the gf and strain the relation between my sister and I.

I don't know what to do! Do I continue to grin and bear it to keep an already established peace and not upset any balances? Or do I let myself have a selfish moment, possibly mar a relationship, possibly ruin my wedding with my sister mad at me, and have my dream wedding morning with JUST my sisters and moms?

- Walking on eggshells

*****

Be selfish. It is YOUR fucking wedding.

(Is this the answer you were expecting??)

Do I call her to tell her she's *not* my MOH?

Hey ESB,

Here's the deal. My sister and I have never had a good relationship, and it's deteriorated rapidly since I got engaged (not sure if there's causation there but I wouldn't rule it out). My question of whether or not to include her in the bridal party out of duty or tradition or whatevs has been answered by you already with (I'm pretty sure) a resounding "Fuck that shit."

[Editor's note: YEAH, LADY!]

Now my question is this: FH and I are getting ready to start actually planning our wedding, like booking a venue etc, and I will probably start assembling my maids soon. Do I call my pseudo-estranged sis and explain gently why I've decided not to ask her to be a b-maid, or do I just let it play itself out? She's certainly not above calling me to demand why she hasn't been asked to be maid of honor yet (oh yeah, she'll expect to be my MOH).

I'd appreciate the input.

-Troubs in Sister-land

*****

I do not have a sister. The ways of sisters are utterly foreign to me.

But.

I say DO NOT call her to explain. Wouldn't that just be rubbing it in her face? (I mean, you wouldn't want some guy to call you up and explain why he's not asking you out, amirite??)

Luke by Tio Guim Zarraluki via The Jealous Curator

Marriage Intervention?!

Dear ESB,

My sister is engaged. While this should be a really happy time for her, it isn’t. All of her closest friends and some of our family have vocally declared that they do not approve of her fiancé. Actually, “do not approve” doesn’t do it justice – they think he’s a world-class asshole and that she has temporarily lost her mind for even considering marrying him.

However, our family has never witnessed anything from him that set off any red flags for me – he seems to love her enough to put up with mountains of bullshit, and she seems happier and more relaxed than I have ever seen her. Yet, her friends have labeled him “rude,” “abrasive” and “controlling,” but they can’t give any solid examples of things he’s done. It has gotten so bad that her life-long best friends have held an intervention to try to convince her not to marry this guy.

I am really confused, because he seems like a nice guy to me. He can be annoyingly obnoxious, but I haven’t sensed any real meanness. But the fact that her friends hate him so much has made the family start to second guess him too – we don’t know him well and hardly ever get to see the two of them together (they live abroad, so actually NONE of the people involved in this whole thing really know him at all, including her friends). But, then again, these girls have been her very best friends for almost 30 years!  If they are all raising hell about how terrible this guy is, it has to be for good reason, right?

So what are we (the family) to do? My gut reaction is that she is a grown woman, and she is going to marry who she wants. I think it is CRAZY for family or friends to try to interject themselves into this or to try to change her mind. And I honestly trust her judgment more than I trust her friends’ perception of her relationship. She has never been one to put up with crap before, so I just can’t imagine that she’d still be marrying this guy if he was as bad as her friends say he is.

Am I right?  Should we just support her in whatever choice she makes, or does the fact that her very best friends vehemently hate this man and think he is bad for her mean that there has to be a problem?

*****

Call up one of your sister's friends and ask her point-blank: "Is there something you know that I don't know?"

Unless this guy is abusing her, it's your job to be all YAY! and WEDDING! and IF YOU'RE HAPPY I'M HAPPY!

She's gonna marry who she wants to marry. If you express unwarranted disapproval now there's no way she'll confide in you if anything does go wrong.

Photo by Steven Klein for Interview

TGITSFRIDAY!

There's a juicy one over on 100LC for you -- Can I get married in my sister's dress?

SPOILER ALERT: Once again I am more evil than the cakelets.

Nina Ricci Fall 2012 via this is glamorous

My little sister is trying to upstage me

Dear ESB,

I've already tweeted at you about this, but I decided it was time for some straight up no-nonsense ESB advice.

So, my younger sister and I do not have the greatest relationship in the whole world, but we are ok most of the time. I didn't ask her to be my bridesmaid because that's not really her cup of tea and also it just didn't really occur to me. But I thought it would be nice to have her involved in the wedding so I asked her to be my witness to our marriage. It was important to me pick someone close to be my witness and I hoped she would honoured. She told me she was.

I have subsequently discovered that my sister is planning to wear a full-length, very pale grey evening gown to our daytime wedding. I am rather upset about this. I think that, at my wedding, I should be the only one wearing a full-length, pale-coloured dress. Moreover, it is a daytime wedding, and everyone else will be wearing smart daytime outfits. She will stand out, which I presume is her intention.

If I hadn't asked my sister to be my witness, I would be pissed off yes, but ultimately would decide that if she wants to make a fool of herself in front of all of our friends and family, by attempting to upstage the bride, then that's her problem. But I did ask her to be my witness, and I feel her decision to wear a pseudo-wedding dress to my wedding, shows that she is unsupportive of me and my marriage, not to mention self-absorbed and self-aggrandising, and if that is what she is going to do, I don't want her to be my witness.

I am not sure what to do. I have written to my sister, explaining that, for various reasons I feel her choice of outfit is unsuitable (I was I hope, tactful and diplomatic) but have had no response. Should I tell her that unless she wears something else I will have to ask someone else to be my witness? Should I just let it go for the sake of family unity and to reduce drama? I feel this is my usual tactic with my sister - just let it go, but this time...I dunno.

Thanks, as ever ESB, I know you will cut to the chase.

*****

I was just about to tell you to suck it up when I remembered I always get the sister ones wrong.

So I emailed my lady Celia (the big sister of all big sisters) to ask if she would offer her two cents. She sent back A WHOLE DOLLAR'S WORTH:

Hey there, Older Sister!

Me thinks the best way to approach this is to give you some no-bull shit, sisterly advice. So, let's pretend for a minute that I am also your sister; your older, wiser sister who's already married and been through all the drama of planning a wedding and dealing with her own sister brouhaha. Here's what I'd say to you...

1. You asked your sister to be your witness, in other words, NOT IN YOUR WEDDING PARTY. Totally fine. Being your sister doesn't mean that she automatically gets to be a bridesmaid, or even win the coveted MOH role. That being the case, just like you can't control all your other guests' attire, you most certainly can't tell your sister what she can or cannot wear. You do have every right to voice your opinion and suggest that she wear something else, but ultimately, it's her decision. You may think that "everyone else will be wearing smart daytime outfits," but unless your wedding will be a spread in some J. Crew catalogue, there's always going to be one jerkface who shows up in jeans and a Hawaiian shirt. That's the guy that should be embarrassed.

2. I'm assuming your sister hasn't responded to your email because she thinks you're overreacting a bit, and you kind of are. BUT, in your defense, you're planning YOUR WEDDING, and what's wedding planning without a little insanity mixed in? Everyone gets wrapped up in the madness of creating the "perfect" day, and it's hard to not let something like your sister's outfit make you go batshit crazy. She also might not be responding because she's wondering why the f*ck you EMAILED her regarding this matter. She's your SISTER. If you can't grow a pair and CALL her to give her a piece of your mind, then who can you do that with? That's exactly what sisters are for. They're the only people we can unleash the fury on and know that all will be forgiven in the end. You should be taking advantage of this. Please note: voicemails and text messages also don't count.

3. I know a lot of brides are scared of someone stealing their thunder at their own wedding, but unless she shows up in your exact gown, wearing a veil with her hair all did, holding a bouquet, and walking around with that natural bridal glow, there's no way she'll upstage you. Your guests are there to see YOU, and everyone else will just fade into the background. You think this girl* stole the show? Nope, she most certainly did not.

4. I keep going back to the part where you say that your sister's decision to wear a "pseudo wedding gown" means she's "unsupportive of [you] and [your] marriage". That's kind of a weird thing to say. Umm, call me inappropriate, but I'm getting a gut feeling that this whole situation has very little to do with a dress, and a whole lot to do with some other underlying issue. Maybe *that's* what you should be talking to little sis about. But, revoking her role as your witness is childish and way uncool. It's not like she's some girl you went to junior high with who's all of a sudden gotten on your last nerve. Friends come and go, but little sisters are forever.

All the psychoanalysis aside, here's my REAL advice to you: If come wedding day, you're still so preoccupied with this pale grey dress, then you're missing the WHOLE point of your wedding and what it truly means. You're committing yourself to the person you love in front of all the other people you love most. Not to get all hokey pokey on you, but it will be the most amazing, mind-blowing experience of your life. Believe it or not, all the pinwheels, fabric photo booths, or even inappropriate formal gowns worn by clueless sisters in the world can't even come close to touching that shit.

xo- Celia

Hello Coachella Photo: Daniel Kincaid, Styling: Alexandra Sherman, Model: Chelsea (Photogenics), Makeup & Hair: Sunnie Brook Jones for fashion lane via PAPERFASHION via Jodie Askyou via because im addicted
______________________________

*I have a feeling that linking to the royal wedding is making ESB cringe, but I love her like a sister, and pushing buttons is what sisters do best. ;)

What do I give my secretly pregnant sister for her super secret wedding?

Dear ESB,

I need a rockstar gift idea for my secretly pregnant sister's secret wedding. Superduper secret, like her man and I are the only ones who know about it. Being the only one there to celebrate, I'd really like to present them with something fabulous for the occasion. Any ideas?

*****

I haven't exactly been batting a thousand with the sister posts,* so I asked two of my favorite bloggers-who-have-sisters to field this one.

Lauren said:

first, friar lawrence, congratulations on being the +1 at a secret wedding! from this i infer that you are both trustworthy and awesome. were i you, i'd give the happy couple either A) something that'll stick with them forever or B) the complete absence of things.

if A's your route, i suggest you offer to go out and spring for matching tattoos to commemorate the day you're all sharing. seriously. they don't have to be big or visible, just on each of you for good; nothing says "i've got your back forever" like "i've got this on my back forever."

if you're more of a B, i think you should give them a day that's complete from start to finish, no input needed. they've been making decision after decision for this secret wedding and secret pregnancy - engagement and conception force you to have opinions about and make calls on a frightening array of things - and could probably use some "don't worry, i've got this one." book them a dinner someplace they'll love, a room in a hotel that will treat them right (whether that means making them feel like serge and jane or making them feel like wills and kate), and a day of something they've talked about wistfully. if you happen to be an oil magnate, throw in some plane tickets so all of this can happen in a place they've been meaning to visit.

(psst: A.)

Celia said:

Lucky you! If I had only had one other person at my wedding, I would have also chosen my sister. Seeing as she's pregnant, and this super secret wedding is a tiny celebration, I'm assuming that your sister and her fiancé might be on a bit of a budget. If I were you, I'd hire the most badass photographer in town to document every special moment and all the sweet details of the day.

You don't even have to reveal your rockstar gift before the wedding. Just arrange everything with the photographer before the big day, and have him/her show up to surprise the bride and groom. Not only will they have gorgeous photographs of what will most likely be one of the best days of their lives, but your sister will also have great professional pregnancy photos. Trust me, when you're pregnant, you're kind of desperate for beautiful and tasteful pictures of yourself. 

And the cherry on top? Not only will this be a great gift for them to cherish forever, but it's something that your future nephew/niece will treasure too.

(Image via Vejde Gustafsson)
______________________________

*Celia pretty much schooled me here and here.

My sister is a WEDDING BASHER

Dear ESB,

I'm in need of a bit of help. And the people I usually turn to are, in fact, part of the current problem.

You see, I got engaged many months ago, and am now about 6 months out from the wedding. When it came time to decide if I was going to have bridesmaids, the answer was an automatic YES, and I asked my wonderful sisters, as well as a dear friend. Shortly after I got engaged, one of my sisters also became engaged, and her wedding date was a few months before mine. I was thrilled for her! I was excitedly looking forward to planning together, and bouncing ideas off of each other, as both of our weddings will have some traditional and many non-traditional aspects.

However, it has been anything but. She has been bashing all of my ideas from my shoes, to my guest list, to my choices in general! She yelled at me when I mentioned a signature drink to cut down on liquor costs, saying it was her idea and I stole it from her. She made fun of me when I mentioned that my fiance's nephew would be our ring bearer, saying ring bearer's are tacky, and in turn, make a wedding look tacky. And she's been criticizing my decision about having non-matching bridesmaids. There have been more, but we'll just stop at 3 examples.

First, I'm pretty sure she does not own the rights to having a signature drink at weddings. I'm also pretty sure she wasn't the first one to come up with the idea. Second, I'm not the biggest fans of children in weddings either. Mainly because it is sad to see a poor kid stuffed into a tiny tux carrying a satin pillow. My fiance really wanted his nephew to be apart of the wedding, as it was very important to him. It's his wedding too. But we BOTH want the nephew to be comfortable, and, basically, just run down the aisle before I go. No tuxes, no satin pillow. And finally, I wanted my bridesmaids to like what they are going to wear on the day of the wedding. I did say it should be a dress from J Crew in any shade of blue; I thought it was the best of both worlds. I get bridesmaids in great little blue dresses, and they get to pick what style and shade best suits them. But it wasn't good enough for her, and she promptly decided to tell me non-matching bridesmaids will look silly, and I should force everyone to wear the same thing.

On top of all of this, she bashes all other weddings (including mine), and says all weddings are stupid and tacky. Except hers. Because hers is the most special of special. Not only that, but she's wrangling in my other sister (who loves everything and anything about weddings), to go along with her opinions.

Now, I don't want to kick her out as a bridesmaid; I chose her for a reason. I love my sisters very much, and I value their opinions. But what I don't like is being told my wedding ideas/plans are silly and tacky, and I should do BLAH instead. I decided not to tell her anymore plans/ideas because I'm sick and tired of being made to feel my wedding sucks.

She is constantly berating me about wedding plans, even if I don't tell her anything. What should I do?
 


Many thanks,

- bummed-out bride

*****

Um, yeah. I'm pretty sure Martha Stewart coined the phrase "signature drink" in 1987.

Here's the thing. Almost every bride is seized with the bizarre conviction that the way she is doing it/did it is the right way/only way to do it. It's like there's some piece that snaps loose in their brains.

Try stroking your sister's ego. Tell her how much you loooooooooooove the stupid dress she picked out for all of you to wear. How cool you think her dumb wedding's going to be. Etc.

But don't FOR AN INSTANT feel like you have to justify any of your choices.

(Photo of Audrey Tautou via Anj Ali)

Dear ESB: Should I tell my sister about her venue's sordid past?

here's the story: middle sis is getting married almost exactly a year from now. she's awesome but touchy, to put it mildly, and is extremely sensitive to drama between family members: she hates our stepmother for something that went down with our mom six years ago, for example, and our stepmother isn't invited to the wedding. a number of aunts and uncles won't be there, either, thanks to other dramas (and to the fact that sis and her fiance are paying for the wedding themselves, and it's going to be fairly intimate).

sis isn't especially wedding-y, and i thought it would take a while for her to settle on details. not so! she and fiance have already found a venue they both love and have locked in a date. here's the thing, though: unbeknownst to either of them, said venue is a former convent at which our mean aunt the former nun was cloistered. (she was kicked out of the order, which is...another story.) ANOTHER of our aunts ran away from home as a teenager and stayed at that same convent for a little while.

i find those details creepy and kind of cool, but i can imagine a sensitive someone planning to get married there could feel differently; wedlock cranks up superstition for some people. do i tell sis about her venue's past? if so, when?

*****

Tell her. NOW.

Otherwise some drunk uncle who is invited to the wedding will leak the story at the reception. (Or she'll find out ten years later, which would be even worse.)

Image via Life in Lomo

Should I let my sister ruin my wedding?

Dear esb,

okay, so. I have two best friends, as in, since we were little girls bffs. I've already been moh for one, and the other is engaged (but a looong engagment, so wont even start planning until after my wedding) and has already asked me. It's all great and fine, they are my two best friends, and I would have them in my wedding even if I wasn't in theirs. But here is the problem, I also have three little sisters. I am very close to the middle one, and I really, really, want her to be in my wedding party. The youngest is only 12, so she is a bit young, I'll just put a flower in her hair and have her show the grannys to their seats or something. But the older one... sheesh. We fight all the time, we are not very close, and I really hate to say this about my own sister, but she is really, incredibly selfish. Like, to the point that she will bitch and moan about dresses, flowers, hair, and the wedding would become ALL about her. Add to the fact that I don't want four bridesmaids (it just seems too many, and too weddingy, and like such an awkward number) and I just don't know what to do

I could just have my two bffs, and none of my sisters. But then I miss out on having the sister I do want. But I can just imagine the argument when not-nice sister finds out I'm having cool sister and not her. I broached the general subject of not-nice sister maybe not being a bm, and she threatened to not even come. I think she was joking, but still. She will flip if I tell her Im having cool sister but not her. But is that a reason to have her? I don't think so? The man will have his two brothers, and then as many of his good friends as required, so I can't even use that as a way out. 

Is it rude of me to not have all my sisters? I feel absolutely terrible, but I just KNOW my sister, and I KNOW she will make it more, not less stressful. What should I do?

thankyou..

*****

I'm an only child, so the whole sister thing is completely foreign to me… But FUCK HER.

Stick a flower in her hair and give her a non-bridesmaidal job to do, just like the twelve-year-old.

Wedding planning is stressful enough when you're surrounded by your favorite people.

(Image via TOBACCO&LEATHER)

Dear ESB: Do I take the money from my former step dad?

My former step dad (father of my younger bro & sis, estranged) has been trying to make amends with my mom who has harbored years of resentment towards him due to child support non-payments and such, my extremely hard-headed stubborn sister (and moh) who has harbored years of resentment towards him due to abandonment issues, and my easy going affable brother.

I think he made some headway with my mom and brother but my sister refuses to talk to him. Since you are very astute you know I am getting married and while I don't agree with his actions of the past I tend to overthink things and see my wedding as not only a celebration of my dude and I declaring our love and commitment with our nearest and dearest, but also as an opportunity to reunite my hugely complicated family and maybe get past some disagreements and estrangements thru communal celebrating and crab cake eating.

I'm not delusional, I know that that's a tall order and I won't feel that my wedding has failed if that doesn't happen, but I've seen it happen before and I think my family is ripe for some Lifetime worthy hugfests.

Having said that, when this father type found out I was getting married, he called me and sent me a check. A pretty big check. Like, a third of our low-budge So-Cal DIY self-funded wedding budget's worth.

So. I was planning on inviting him anyway until my sister responded with a chinook of chilliness.

Do I:
a) take the money and send him pictures which he told me was enough being fully aware of how my sister feels about him and the situation
b) send the check back out of principal
c) try and convince my sister to at least listen to him try to make amends?*

* there is a distinct chance this will not happen. Seriously, my sister is the most stubborn person I have ever met.

ps i forgot option d) invite him and make her suck it up.

*****

d) Invite him and make her suck it up. I couldn't have said it better myself.

It's your wedding. And whether or not this man is your father by blood, he had a hand in raising you.

p.s. You probably shouldn't say anything to your sister about that hugfest you're hoping for. Just get em all there and see what happens.

(Photography by Keiron O'Connor for Jalouse via tobaccoandleather via Le Fashion)