Jonathan's Badass Bachelor Party: BBQ, Paintball + Ceremony of Losing One's Nads

The cast of characters:

My brother-in-law Carlos, who is insane, was the demented SOB that planned the party. Although I had plenty of input. The guys who attended were the slime of the earth. The complete underbelly of society. My brother (Captain Jerk) and my soon-to-be-uncle-in-law (Father Costanzo), Luis "the Judge" Gonzales, my friends Tim, Joel, and Mario. Carlos brought a couple of his wacky friends, including a Japanese exchange student called James Bond who barely spoke English and turned out to be a mean shot with a splatter gun. 

The attire:

Those jerk-offs were not allowed on the van without a costume. I wore my bride-to-be's sparkle leggings, a Scottish tartan & a tuxedo top. My evening wear was inspired by a character I used to do back in my acting days. 

The activities:

BBQ breakfast, Paintball, The Ceremony of Losing One's Nads at my former bachelor pad. (It was a ceremony to give peace to my penis, one that marked the changing hands of control from myself to my wife.) Afterward, we headed to Tonga Room and to El Compadre. We ended the night at Sam's Hofbrau, as you do.

Photos by Melissa Ryan of Marble Rye.* (Check out more images from Jonathan's bachelor extravaganza here and here.)


*FYIZ: Melissa just launched a #WHYWEDTHEDESERT contest over on her site. If you're planning to get married in Joshua Tree (or might be persuaded to scrap your current plans in order to do so), she wants to take your photos for free.

Do I Have to Plan My Fiance's Bachelor Party?

Hi ESB, 

I've got an awkward situation... My fiance is in Australia, the wedding is in Portland, and I'm up here waiting for him. FH has three groomsmen: A brother coming from Australia, the Best Man from Canada, and my brother in California. We're going to have a bachelor/bachelorette party on the same night (different locations of course), two days before the wedding. It's the earliest day all our friends will be there, except the Best Man who can't arrive until the day of the wedding. 

Well, my ladies have got my end of things all under control. I know it's a bit squished, having the bachelorette party, then the rehearsal dinner, then the wedding, but we are a laid back group, and I'm not worried. I'm also putting shots of vodka in my morning coffee to help build tolerance for that weekend.

However, I'm out of sorts as to what to do for my man... He shouldn't have to plan his own bachelor party, but I sure as hell don't want to plan it either, that's just weird. But his BM can't make it, and the other two grooms know nothing about the area. Should I tell FH to work it out himself when he gets here (five weeks before the wedding), or make a list of awesome places in town and hand it to the FBIL and wish him luck?

Your wisdom is much appreciated.

*****

Stay the fuck out of it. The boys will figure it out.

Photo by Herring & Herring for Nordic Man via Design Scene

Does he really want to barf at his wedding?

Dear ESB,

I'm getting married next month, and my fiance is just now getting around to planning his bachelor party. His latest idea is to go out drinking on Friday night after the rehearsal dinner, and then get up on Saturday morning to go skeet shooting. Our wedding is at 5:00pm on Saturday.

It's going to be a really busy weekend, and I am worried he's going to be dead and exhausted by the time we're at the reception. He's the type of guy who's ready to go to sleep at 9 or 10 on a normal day. Of course he parties really hard when his buddies and his alcoholic father are around, so I am doubting his ability to resist their pressure to stay up late. I don't want his lack of sleep to catch up to him at the wrong time (i.e. on our wedding night). Plus, we're flying to Ireland for our honeymoon and I can't imagine how shitty he'll feel when he's battling jet lag combined with no sleep for days.

His best man is flying into Houston and staying with us for the entire week before the wedding. We're driving to Austin on Thursday. And Friday afternoon we're decorating the banquet hall, doing our rehearsal, then having a huge fajita cookout in the park with 60-70 people. The earliest he'll get to sneak off for his beer-drinking hooplah would be 8:00pm, and it's a thirty minute drive into town. Let's pretend that they have a super-calm evening of drinking beers and go to bed by midnight. He's talking about getting up at 7:30am on Saturday to eat breakfast, get dressed, and go skeet shooting. He would only have one hour to be able to skeet shoot before he needs to drive back to town, eat lunch, then go out to the venue to get the chairs (being delivered on Saturday), and set up a few other items. Then he needs to get a shower, get dressed, and be ready for pre-ceremony pictures.

My question is, 1) Am I being unreasonable to think he shouldn't go skeet shooting on our wedding day? 2) How do I get him to understand the hugeness of our wedding day and the importance of him being well-rested?

*****

Hasn't your fiancé seen Bachelor Party? Or The Hangover?

A bachelor party the night before the wedding is A VERY BAD IDEA. A few beers with his buddies: no problem. A full-on bachelor party (anything, really, involving the words "bachelor" or "party"): no way. He needs to get that shit out of his system at least a month in advance.

But. Dude wants to get up at dawn to go skeet shooting on his wedding day, fucking let him go skeet shooting.

You seem to have him scheduled within an inch of his life. Couldn't someone else pick up the chairs to give him a little breathing room?

Photo by Meg Wachter (thanks Amy!) via YIMMY'S YAYO and Happenstance