Wednesday, July 30, 2014

WHAT'S IN YOUR BAG? Emily Gould edition.

Remember that series* I started last summer and then sorta just lost interest in....?

Welp, Emily Gould tweeted a STELLAR ENTRY this morning. Clearly I had to post.

*Inspired by a douchey "What's in your Clare Vivier bag?" series that seems to have disappeared. 

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Miamify my wardrobe

Dear ESB,

I am moving to MIAMI in the fall for work. I read your fantastic guide to the city and am so so excited for the food, the beach, Wynwood, speaking Spanish, and a new place.

But. I'm nervous, too. I have moved around a ton and always found a great community and made a great life, but this is going to be worlds apart from the Midwestern and East Coast cities where I have spent my whole life. 

My fear of moving is manifesting in the particular anxiety that I don't know how to dress in Miami (I don't think I will have much use for the oversize sweater/short skirt/wool tights outfits that I have perfected). 

I get that fixing my clothes isn't going to resolve the larger problem, but humor a girl. I have a bit of a bonus coming my way soon -- if you were going to spend about $500 to update your wardrobe for such a move, what would you get?



WHO SAYS the right wardrobe won't fix everything?? I would never make that ludicrous claim.

Since I have not once set foot in Miami, I brought back the badass Caro, our resident Miami expert....


The key to being happy while living in Miami: Live like you’re on vacation. Or at least pretend like you’re on vacation as much as you possibly can. I.E. Go to the beach, drink Miami Vices, wear shorts everywhere.

My six tips for MIAMI-fying your wardrobe:

1. Neon is a neutral. Over here it’s summer year-round, which means you can wear color all the time. Ever since neon arrived at J.Crew, I’ve been keeping these shortst-shirts in heavy rotation.

Editor's Note: Stock up! That shit is on sale.

2. Always bring a sweater. Miami air conditioning is not subtle. Find a goes-with-everything cardigan [also on sale] you can leave in your purse because the transition from 90F to 65F every single time you walk into a building isn’t something your body acclimates to all that quickly.

3. Always have on hand: emergency flip-flops and emergency heels. After-work thunderstorms and after-work happy hours are equally likely – you should be prepared for either. Keep a pair of flip flops in your purse to protect your work flats in case of tropical weather, and a pair of black pumps in your car to switch into once you get to the bar.

4. You need at least one dependable clubbing/bar-crawling outfit. Bar-hopping starts at 11:30 PM at the earliest and everyone outside of Wynwood will expect you to wear heels. I default to colorful stilettos and a black minidress I bought at Forever 21, but if I had money to burn I’d go with this BCBG body-con dress [sale sale sale].

5. You need two bathing suits: one to look cute in and one to tan in. And if you heed my advice about living like you’re on vacation, you’re probably going to wear them out pretty quickly.... so consider your tanning bikini an investment. I like the bandeau tops from Victoria Secret because they’re not egregiously expensive and even though they have that fun strappy back detail they don’t actually leave horrendous tan lines.


6. Frizz-EaseBecause the humidity is real.


And a few updated Miami recommends because my lady Caro knows how to live......

Eat: Butcher Shop, Khong River House, Swine, Uvaggio.

Drink: Broken Shaker (it’s permanent now, and still awesome), The Reagent Cocktail Club, the Martini Bar at the Raleigh Hotel, Wynwood Brewing Company, AC’s Icees.

(Image via Freehand Miami, home of the Broken Shaker)

Be Merry: Spend a day at the Standard, go get cinnamon buns at Knaus Berry Farm, check out the new art museum, rent some kayaks, host a bbq at the beach.

Just because you’re living like you’re on vacation doesn’t mean you need to pay vacation prices for your booze. Find reasonably-priced craft beer without driving to BFE (“Butt-Fucking-Egypt”, aka Kendall, aka, really really far) at: this gas station, this unassuming convenience store, this other unassuming convenience store. And this gas station has a tapas restaurant and an imported wine selection with great priced.

In my original post, I told you the wonders of Publix (cookies, pastelitos, etc), but now that you’re going to be a local, you need to know about PubSubs. Publix Sub Sandwiches: you can order them online ahead of time at most locations now, and getting a chicken finger sub to pair with a cucumber-lime Gatorade and some chilled pinot grigio for a day on the beach is nirvana. Trust me. They put chicken fingers IN THE SANDWICH. You’re welcome.

Finding parking on South Beach takes the same sort of blind faith ancient cultures put into rain dances – believe there will be parking and it shall appear. Be patient. Also, be sure to download the PayByPhone parking app – you can add more time directly from your phone and if your address is local you'll save 20%.

No one is on time anywhere.

Probably because they’re looking for parking.

But don’t take public transportation, seriously. That stranger who punched my friend in the face on the train, he’s punched other people now.

Uber is still not available, but UberX and Lyft are operating illegally anyway and staying true to the city’s time-honored tradition of ignoring most vehicular-related legislature (using your turn signal is widely regarded as a sign of weakness).


Image at top: Zara S/S 2013 via Style Pantry (Maybe more Palm Springs than Miami? Miami style scares me a little, you guys.)

Friday, July 11, 2014

The Accidental Cougar

Dear ESB,

This is not a wedding question. . . yet. But maybe you can advise. 

I'm in love with a man nine years my junior (I'm 32. He's 23.) I had no idea he was so young when I met him. I acknowledge this is absurd and can't possibly work out. But. I think I need someone else to tell me that. Can you knock some sense into me?

Or else tell me about your best friend who did the same thing and it magically worked out and they are still madly in love 20 years later? (HAHA)

the accidental cougar


Are you in a hurry to get married and have kids and shit? Has the subject come up?

For now: ENJOY THE SEX and try not to think too hard about the future. (I'm more concerned about him being 23 than being nine years younger. But he won't stay 23 forever.)

Photography by Brendan Freeman / Styling by Katy Lassen / Makeup by Isamaya Ffrench for Used Magazine AW12 via HUNGER TV

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

i found your wedding booties

dieppa restrepo at bona drag

don't they look so buttery soft?

the black version is pretty jammin too

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

holy shit yes!


Half off at Pour Porter, the original where-do-the-cool-girls-shop

(Thank you, Rachie!)

Three weddings, one dress?

Dear ESB,

I have three weddings this year, without any overlap in guests, so I'd like to find one fantastic outfit that I can wear to all of them. They are:

1. August in a rose garden in Anchorage, Alaska, no matter the weather. Reception in a restaurant.

2. August on a mountain summit in Boulder, Colorado, no matter the weather. Reception in a field with diy tables made out of wood pallets.

3. October in a low-key but classy beach club at a Ritz Carlton in Florida.

Actually, typing that out makes me think that one outfit might be a stretch for all three, so maybe one for the first two is more reasonable?

I'm a size 8, can get away with no bra with the right material, with a budget of about $400.



How bout The Reformation's Lumen Dress?

Racy enough for Florida, romantic enough for a rose garden, way too chic for Boulder but WHATEVER you can bring along a polar fleece.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Help ASAP!

Thu, Jul 3, 2014 at 8:25 PM

Long story short.

My bridal shower was 2 weeks ago. My MOH spent 3 hours after it talking about her horrible marriage, and the 3 hours during about her "new miracle baby" (she had an iud and it "fell out") and how she "almost died" in labor. I haven't heard from her since the shower. I want to demote her.

I actually want her to not come because she brings her iPad everywhere. And this is her weapon of showing off her baby to my guests. Not so bad, except for I'm going through fertility treatments, so it hurts my soul.

I found out she's on oxy (again), so she's been lying to me about that.

If her husband is so horrible and abusive (I don't think he's as bad as she says) then I don't want him at the wedding.

I don't get a lot of "me" time and parties because I have social anxiety. So she was the center of my shower, but I don't want her the center of my wedding.

When she was pregnant I spent hundreds on her baby gifts and parties and went to all of her ER visits (I am on disability and a full time student and worker) so it was expensive for me. She didn't get me a gift (not a big deal, but she makes 4x what I do per month), so I found it odd.

Can someone help me quick? Wedding is mid-August.


Fri, Jul 4, 2014 at 12:40 PM

How bad is the drug abuse? Are you worried she'll have a meltdown in the middle of your wedding?


Fri, Jul 4, 2014 at 1:44 PM

I'm worried she will have an "allergy attack" or "not feel well" and the ambulance will need to be called. Or she will try and whip out her iPad to show baby pictures to everyone. Apparently at the bridal shower she didn't stop talking about her own wedding and pregnancy and baby at all. 

We're going through fertility issues so her baby talk at my shower really upset me. Every time I try to call her she's "napping."

I'm thinking of hiring someone just to babysit her. 


It sounds like your friend is very unhappy. Maybe she's raving about this miracle baby because it's the only good thing going on in her life. Maybe she's trying to convince herself it's a good thing.

Either way, I bet she has no idea she's hurting your feelings.

Write her an email. Tell her everything you just told us. (Or: Send her a link to this post.) Gently request that she LEAVE THE FUCKING IPAD AT HOME.

And then, yes, hire a babysitter.

Image by Ernesto Artillo

Thursday, July 3, 2014

It's bridesmaid season!

[Oof yipes I can't post this photo]


Like many before me I need help with shopping. I've been asked to be a bridesmaid in my brother's destination wedding in Hawaii. I've attached a copy of the bridesmaids dress (sorry, I have no idea how to find it or link to it). 

[It's Wtoo™]

I'm the blue color on the far left. This is the necklace my sister-to-be wants us to wear with it.

She is leaving the shoes up to us which is where you (hopefully! Please?!) come in. I have terrible taste but I seem to know when others have good taste and could really use your help or your awesome readers' help. 

The wedding will take place on grass and I plan to dance so no heels dear god please no heels. Or wedges unless they're baby ones. Other than that I'm open. Sandals? Flats? Like every other bridesmaid on the planet I'd love something I could wear and love well after the wedding.

Thank you so much for any guidance you may have!


I'd go with a simple flat sandal, like these two-tone Seychelles.

Something that says "Yeah I know this dress blows, but FUCK IT WE'RE IN HAWAII!"

Bonus: They're on sale. (Shop size 6 through 8.5 here, size 9 over here)