oh shit it's a WEDDING ETIQUETTE GRENADE

Dear ESB,

I've just today had a wedding reception etiquette grenade thrown at me and I don't know what to do. I'm looking to you for your grand wisdom!

The situation: An old friend of mine and his girlfriend split up around the time that I was asking for addresses to send Save the Dates (about 9 months ago). I asked if he was certain he didn't want a plus one in case things changed between them and he said no, he definitely, definitely did not. They've been on and off for years so at that point I pretty much disregarded what he said and assumed they'd be back together. Months later I sent him his invite proper. When he didn't get back to me long after the RSVP date I got in touch to chase him and again asked if the situation had changed and if he needed a plus one. He said no, it was unlikely it would change as it had been 6 months. So I made the decision to pass his notional plus one to another guest...

You can see where this is going right? Fast forward to today and he sent an email to me and our wide circle of friends to announce that not only are he and his ex back together, but that they are also engaged. Whilst I'm happy for him, I'm also kicking myself for not keeping his space free. I feel like a small voice is singing 'told you so' inside my head. 

He hasn't said anything about my own wedding yet, but at some point we'll have to acknowledge that she hasn't been invited. And we're going to have to have a very awkward conversation. I wish I could make room (I'm used to organising dinners and receptions for work, so I'm used to jiggling around seating plans and dealing with invitee crises!) but we simply have no room left to add another person.

Really don't know how to address this with him because his fiancée is so lovely and I don't want her to feel slighted. Or even to be reminded that for a while she didn't figure in the plans for not particularly nice reasons. 

Thoughts on how I can manage this pretty awkward situation would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance,
Not-so-good-with-confrontation Bride.

*****

All you can do is be upfront. (You're British, aren't you. So this will be a new experience.)

Call your friend and say “I’m so so happy for you guys. And I’m kicking myself for not saving you a plus one.”

That's it. End of dilemma. Grenade defused.


Edie Campbell by David Sims for Vogue Paris December 2013 via visual optimism 

Engagement Party Disaster

Dear ESB:

My fiance and I had an engagement party this past weekend, hosted by my future in-laws. It was a lovely affair, and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. Until the end...oh the end...

For some background: my fiance's younger brother has been dating his high school sweetheart, who we will call Dee, for seven years. My fiance and I have been dating just over two. When we got engaged, Little Brother and Dee promptly broke up. I always suspected this was because she was angry that I received a ring before her. They eventually got back together, and are now engaged themselves, and planning a wedding for six months after ours. We are in our early thirties; Little Brother and Dee in their early twenties.

Back to the party. As the night wound down and drinks begin flowing freely, a friend of mine asked Little Brother and Dee about their engagement. When my friend learned that they had dated seven years prior to becoming engaged, she asked if they had ever gone through any breakups or setbacks. Dee responded, with a giggle, "Well, there was that one time." Having always heard there was more than one break-up, I said, "One time?" I knew right away I shouldn't have said it, but it had already flown out of my mouth.

The response was apocalyptic. Dee stormed about for about thirty minutes, telling everyone that I was a bitch, my fiance (her future brother in law) was an asshole, that we were disgusting, rude, horrible people and she hated us both. I tried to apologize, as I did not intend to hurt her with my flippant, thoughtless remark, and she waved her finger in my face, calling me a rude bitch and saying that she hated both me and my fiance.

Her parents finally picked her up and the party ended soon after.

I am traumatized and humiliated by this event, and certainly do not want someone who hates us and thinks we are disgusting to be present at our wedding, but I do not foresee a way we cannot invite her without causing huge family drama. 

How should I proceed with this? Wait for an apology that I am certain will never come? Just forget her name on the invite? Take the high road and let it go?

Thanks!
A Disgusting, Rude Bitch

*****

The Bad News: You have to invite her. You know you have to invite her.

The Good News: Girlfriend was blackout drunk. She'll never remember what happened.




Collage via Jamala Johns. Anyone know who made it??

Can I Uninvite My Dad?

Dear ESB,

First, I would like to say thank you for bringing humor and snark to the wedding planning process. I probably shouldn't admit that I read around 7 wedding blogs a day but yours is always the first. I'm hoping that you will have some advice for me. 

My dad left when I was young, stopped paying child support and overall just kind of sucked at the whole being a dad thing. I was angry with him for most of my teens and early twenties but I decided that the anger was really only hurting me and that I needed to accept him for who he is if I'm going to have him as part of my life. Since doing that our relationship is okay, not great. Long before I was ever engaged I decided that I would have my mom (who is awesome) walk me down the aisle for my wedding but I always dreaded having to tell my dad. However, when the time came I pulled up my big girl pants and we went to lunch and I told him how I felt. It was a good talk and he was supportive of my decision and even offered to give me a small(ish) amount of money to help with the wedding. He also asked for a father daughter dance and I agreed. 

Fast forward 8 months later, my wedding is only 2 months away and he has given me a quarter of the money that he promised and has overall been avoiding me and flaking out on any plans. I confronted him about it and he apologized but said that my grandmother (his mom) and my stepmom are "pissed" about the wedding and that is why he hasn't given me the money and has been avoiding me. We had lunch shortly after and he explained that my stepmom basically doesn't think that I deserve any money from him (I guess that's why he never paid child support). At this lunch he told me that we would have dinner with my stepmom to work things out that that he would definitely give me the money. 

Now it's two weeks later and nothing has happened and he's basically avoiding me again. It really isn't (and never was) about the money but now I sort of feel like I keep giving him chances because we really could use the extra money for the wedding. My sister and my mom want me to cut all ties with him and uninvite them to the wedding and my fiance is starting to be on the same page. I'm torn, can I just uninvite my dad to my wedding?

Sincerely,
Daddy Issues?

P.S. The amount of money is basically enough to cover the cost of attendance for the 6 members of his family. 

*****

Do you want to sever all ties?

Do you want your dad out of your life FOREVER?

He's clearly not the one holding the checkbook, and also he is a complete wuss, and that sucks.

But if you rescind their invitation to the wedding you will just be validating what your stepmother has told him all along: you don't deserve the money.


TAVI by Petra Collins via Pamela Love

Dear ESB (from a harassed bride yay)

Dear ESB,

I'm in a shitty social situation. My fiance is very friendly with lots of people from his work, and we end up hanging out with various coworkers at least monthly. I've known most of these people for a few years now.

A month ago, we were out at a bar. My fiance was talking to one cluster of people while I was with another -- which consisted of two couples, one being two acquaintances of mine, the other, a coworker (let's call him Z) and his girlfriend.

We were shooting the shit, when I mentioned this odd fact that I've been in a few family bridal parties recently, while my fiance was not, despite these weddings being on his side. Z, who may have been drunk (I couldn't quite tell), immediately responds with, "Well yeah, look at you: You're stacked! [My fiance] not so much, but who wouldn't want you in their pictures?" Z then continued to laugh with the other dude in the group about my body. 

I obviously told my fiance, who was fucking horrified. We haven't talked to them since, but avoiding them forever is inevitable. We were going to invite them to our wedding, but we obviously don't want to anymore. Z has since invited us to a few intimate social events so I'm not sure he understands that his "joke" was not acceptable.

What do we do? Do I need to lighten up? Can we just passive aggressively not invite them? Does my fiance have to confront Z? For what it's worth, Z's girlfriend is super great.

Thanks for your advice.

*****

I know I'm about to get shit for this, but: Lighten up.

If this is the ONE TIME this guy has said anything offensive to you, chalk it up to too many beers and let it go.

If it happens again, however, don't let him off the hook. Tell him "That's not how you talk to a lady." (And then you can cross him off the list.)


Elina Mitrofanova by Tatiana Leshkina for Spleen via coup de foudre

Guest List Advice, for the love of god!

Dear ESB,

I'm a new reader to your blog and I appreciate your sage and brutally honest advice. I'm having a hard time with this one, so I figured I'd give this a shot:

My younger sister rushed into her wedding back in December 2012. The guy she married is a young, has-a-temper, soon-to-be-career-military guy, and their impetus to wed was likely due to his future relocation to the West coast. My sister did most of the planning in secret, didn't involve our family which was quite hurtful, and was generally a defensive ball of fire the months before her wedding. My Mom and I asked if she was really sure this was the guy she wanted to be with, which my sister of course told him about this, and he proceeds to berate my Mom with text messages in the middle of the night (real stand-up guy). Needless to say, he's not well-liked among my family, and we're not well-liked by his. Her ceremony was held at a chapel on an army base, and her reception in a hotel basement ballroom.

The week before her wedding, I get a text message from my sister that says her fiance is wary of having me at the wedding and that I need to call him to smooth things over. I told my sister that I didn't particularly want to speak with someone who has a clear anger management problem, and if needed to speak with me so badly, he could come to me himself. I come to find out that he's already called the army base security to let them know that I was to be arrested on sight. Not wanting to be arrested on a military base, I was essentially being told I couldn't attend my sister's wedding. My sister, unable or unwilling to convince him to change his mind, couldn't do much, so I stayed at the hotel to catch up on my wine drinking while the rest of my family went to the chapel. Since my parents financed most of the reception, I was allowed to attend that, although my sister didn't speak with me the entire night. Nor for months after that, despite calling, texting, and emailing. My sister and I are still trying to patch up our relationship, months later.

My fiance and I waited to get engaged until her wedding was over to avoid claims of spotlight-stealing. Now that we're planning our wedding, we've come to that sticky point on our guest list. We want to invite my sister, but I don't particularly want to have her husband attend our wedding. My fiance seems to think our wedding would be a great way to extend the olive branch; I think its a horrible idea and think its a waste of money for him to bad-mouth me and my family, get super-drunk, and pick fights with people. How do we resolve this? And how can I invite my sister without him showing up?

Thanks for any advice you can provide. I'd appreciate it.

*****

EXTEND THE DAMN OLIVE BRANCH.

Be the bigger person.

Turn the other cheek.

&c.



Your sister is married to this guy. You can't just not invite him to family functions for the next 50 years.

AVA SMITH BY ALEXANDER NEUMANN FOR FLAUNT #127 via Visual Optimism

The Special Snowflake, again

Hi ESB,

I just wanted to write and thank you, and your readers, for your great advice about my "special snowflake" sister/MOH and the +1 dilemma. I did what you suggested (pulled my head out of my ass and invited the boyfriend). My mother told me that she thinks I'm a bitch who needs therapy "for putting my sister through such trouble" and the grandparents were less-than-thrilled, but my sister was happy, and all was well. I felt better, sister felt better, things were good.

Then he got sick and missed the wedding and reception anyway.

Win/win?

Anyway, thanks for your advice. It put my mind at ease knowing that I made my sister feel better, and I needed input from somebody outside my immediate circle.

Sincerely,

All's Well That Ends Well

*****

WIN/FUCKING WIN

Sophie Vlaming by Klaas Jan Kliphuis via café au lait

Is it possible to revoke a wedding invitation?

Dear ESB,

I just found your blog and have been reading it for hours. You are amazing. I wish I'd looked for wedding advice before the wedding was already half planned but hindsight is 20/20.

So I realized pretty quickly while reading that I have broken one of your golden rules. We invited some people to our wedding that we really don't want to be there. Most of them politely declined, some did not RSVP at all, but one couple with a newborn baby (who will be about 1 year old by the wedding date) excitedly accepted our invite. Back story is that we know this couple through a group of mutual friends that we used to hang out with more in the past before they all started having babies. To be honest we have never really liked them much but they were always involved in parties/events/other weddings of our mutual friends so when we were drafting our guest list we included them, not really thinking it through. We've never even really hung out with them on a one-on-one basis. I think we just got overzealous with our invitations. We also figured that since they would have a fairly new baby (their first) that they wouldn't want to attend because the wedding is out of town, they don't own a car, and live a pretty budget lifestyle so we didn't imagine them springing for a hotel room and bus tickets or a rental car and all that.

So until today we hadn't really thought much more about it other than to comment every once in awhile that we wish we hadn't invited them because they are tedious to talk to and we are worried they won't get along well with our real friends. This morning one of our mutual friends told us she was surprised to discover recently that she had been de-friended on facebook by the female half of this couple. We laughed at the weirdness of this. Since the baby they have been pretty aloof and not really interested in hanging out with any baby-free friends of theirs. Nothing weird had happened, she just one day noticed this woman had stopped showing up in her feed. There had been no falling out, she just randomly dropped her. I jokingly said, wouldn't it be weird if she de-friended my fiance and I too, even though she is planning on coming to our wedding. We all agreed there is no way she would do that. I just had a look on facebook when I got home and discovered both my fiance and I have been de-friended too. WTF?

I know facebook friendship is a terrible indicator of actual friendship. I'm not a particularly avid facebook user at all which is why I never noticed she defriended me at the time. Honestly I kind of hate everything about facebook. BUT, I'm actually super weirded out that she would de-friend us in a virtual sense but still plan on coming to our wedding. Part of me sees this as an opportunity to somehow un-invite them, or at least check in with them to see if they are still planning on coming since they seem to not be interested in maintaining a virtual friendship with us anymore. But I can't decide which I'd rather avoid more, a confrontation with them now, or having them actually attend and take up 3 seats at our wedding (er... wait... does a 1 year old get a whole seat?) What do you think? If I did talk to them about it do you have any advice on what I should say?

Should I just shut up and concentrate on more important things like what shoes and accessories I am going to wear with this dress? I'm thinking these or these. I'm quite tall so not into wearing heels higher than 2". Plus the wedding is outdoors so flats or wedges would work best. I kind of want the shoes to be a statement so am unsure if the LF ones are enough. I can't really spend more than $350. Would love to know what you think about all of this. Also please (duh) avoid using my name if you post this lest my non-friends discover I am gossiping about them on the internet like a total asshole.

Love your blog and will continue reading your entire back catalog now...

*****

I know I rant about how you should never invite anyone you don't want to hang out with. And I mean it. 

BUT. The truth is, you will be so deliriously happy running around in that RAD DRESS (which, you should totally get the LF wedges, nobody will see them anyway) that you won't even notice these two duds and their dud baby.

It's not worth the bad karma to uninvite them.

Riddle me this

ESB, 

My fiancee and I are getting married in a private ceremony with only our immediate families in attendance and then later on hosting a brunch reception for friends and additional family. We're paying for the wedding ourselves and as such, parental involvement stays at a minimum. While this was an intended consequence of our choice, I still want to be respectful of mine and FH's parents and not shut them out from the planning process and day entirely. I sent my parents our guest list last week asking them if there were any strong objections or additions they'd like to make to the list, while keeping in mind our limited space.  

My mom called to say they approve of the list, all is well...except she wants to know if they can throw another party the day after our wedding for "those who want to celebrate but were not invited." I did not turn her down immediately because she was so extremely careful to remind me that it's totally up to FH and I, they don't want to be in-law-zillas, etc. Basically, she wants to have a "casual-yet-tasteful picnic" in the suburbs where she gets to invite her friends and the extended family I left out.  

It's crazy though, right? I mean I think those people will be offended and very aware of the fact that they got a consolation picnic. Especially if my mom's invitation has anything to do with "celebrating the wedding of..." I imagine they will feel obligated to get a gift and yet they do not get to come the real party. 

(not to mention I've no interest in spending the day after my wedding anywhere other than our fancy hotel suite)

I want to be thoughtful and considerate of my mom but methinks this is asking for trouble and confusion on the parts of the b-list guests. 

It's a bad idea, right? 

*****

Right.




Sidebar: I feel like my job here 90% of the time is just to encourage you guys to follow your instincts. Which I'm cool with. Though the times when I get to say NO YOU'RE CRAY are a lot more fun.........

Where have all the CRAZIES GONE? And the cunts? I haven't had a candidate for MMOHIAC in ages.



Related: I've really been missing the anonymous comments, but I enabled them for like five seconds last night and the spam IMMEDIATELY started flowing in. So, yeah. No.

Photo: Shalom Harlow by Steven Meisel for Vogue (March 1994) via tamera via Vanessa Correa

My sister is a special snowflake

Dear ESB,

My two-years younger sister, who is also my Maid of Honor, is a special, slightly psychotic, snowflake. She got married, years ago, and I was by her side as her MOH for her big day, and did all of the stuff that goes along with that title. That marriage ended, and about a year later she got married again (to a guy I had never met). Once again, I put on my big girl pants and did the MOH thing, including flying to the other side of the country with 2 months notice to throw her a bachelorette party and watch her get married all over again. One year later (fall of 2012) she was divorced again. I was there for her from courtship to demise in both instances.

Currently, I am preparing to get married in July (and have been engaged for about 2 years). My sister is my MOH (I didn't consider anyone else, as I have only one sister and my family would FREAK if she weren't IT) and she has been absent. To say she doesn't give a sh*t about any of it would be an understatement; she hasn't asked about the wedding in months. 

She, of course, has a new serious boyfriend whom she wants to bring to the wedding, and I told her no. Not only do we not have enough room, but I really don't want this guy (whom I've never met) at my wedding. My entire family will, of course, be present and I know that if she brings this new guy, so soon after her second divorce, the family will spend the entire night whispering about THAT. She told me that if she's traveling all the way to my wedding (which is taking place in the city where I currently live, in another state a fair distance from hometown where she still resides) she thinks she should get to bring him. At which point I told her that if she doesn't want to come without a date, then she shouldn't come.

We are barely on speaking terms, now, but she's still planning on coming and says "it's no big deal" about new boyfriend, but I know better. I also know you're always telling brides to invite only who they want there and not to care about the rest of it, but I'm having a really hard time NOT freaking out about my sister throwing a hissy fit at my wedding because she doesn't have a date.

Sincerely,
Scared of my sister

*****

You know your sister is flaky, but you ask her to be your maid of honor ANYWAY, and then you get all pissy when she acts like a flake?

If you don't let her bring a date, your whole family will feel sorry for her and whisper "Poor thing, she's already been divorced twice." What do you want them to talk about? YOU and how gorgeous you look in your dress? That takes FIVE SECONDS.

Blame Spring 2013 via Fashion Gone Rogue

The moral of the story is....always listen to ESB

Dear ESB,

This is not a question, but a word of warning to any bride who doesn't heed your wise words about not inviting people to your wedding who you don't really want to be there. 

During university I had a tight-knit group of great girl friends, and despite the fact we all moved across the world after graduation we have always stayed on each other's radars. There was one girl who was always on the fringes of the group, because, well, she was pretty annoying. Very bright, but really competitive (particularly with me), judgmental, intense and uptight. The kind who always wants to know what your new X cost, or how much you weigh, or how obscure the band you were listening to was, so she can try to one up you. She didn't seem to actually like any of us, yet she was kinda always hanging on to our group, just sulking and judging. After university, she got a boyfriend and moved out of the country and no one in our group really heard from her again. 

Flash forward five years, to this past year, and I'm getting married to my rad partner on the other side of the world. My awesome friends from university are all traveling from different countries for our wedding, and it is the first time since graduation we will all be together again. Despite the fact that I don't really want the girl there, and against ALL YOUR GOOD ADVICE ON THE MATTER (and against the rest of my friends' advice!), I felt bad for not including her and decided to send her an invitation. What's the worst thing that could happen?, I rationalized. She probably won't even come, and, if she does, I'll just have to see her that one night and then probably never hear from her again! Right? 

But come she did, as annoying and judgmental as ever, and fresh from a break up with her boyfriend. And she went straight for my new husband's lovely, shy brother. 

After just one very drunken weekend together, and a lot of long distance phone calls over the last five months, this girl and my brother-in-law just got engaged this week. (They still live on different continents, but as I said, she is intense! And apparently has a very charming phone manner? I don't know, I don't get it.) I'm trying to be happy (?) for them in that abstract way you're supposed to be happy for your family, but, selfishly, I just can't believe that I am now going to be related to the most annoying person I've ever met. 

The moral of the story is: don't invite people you don't want to come to your wedding. Or you might end up related to them. AND ALWAYS LISTEN TO ESB.

Sincerely,
Very Sorry I Didn't Listen

(For the love of god, if you post this please don't put my name since my future fucking sister in law will be wedding planning soon!)

*****

Wow that is not how i expected that story to end


Image: Aimee Song courtesy of The Coveteur via Allie Stefan

Is it horribly tacky.....

I never thought of myself as one of those brides who would get myself into a situation that I would need your advice. Turns out, this sh*t is hard!

I am from a small town in East Texas, moved to the big city of Austin, met a man, and left small town life behind. Now that we're planning a smallish wedding here in Austin, my complicated family life that I thought I left behind is coming back to bite me. You see my mother and step father were married most of my life, my mother passed away when I was 20. I have since distanced myself from my step family, mostly because of my asshole step dad.

It has always been my dream to have a small wedding with just very close friends and family. In order to do this, we are only including family that we see on a regular basis and that have been instrumental in our lives. Hence the step family just did not make the cut.

Now, my mother's wonderful group of girlfriends are coming together to give me and FH a shower/engagement party type celebration in my hometown. I am so grateful to these women for still thinking of me enough to to this. However, being form a small town the hostesses are friendly with my step family and will surely be discussing the upcoming party with them. It's not that I don't want them to come to the shower, only that I have heard that you should never invite people to a shower that you do not invite to the wedding. I have thought of calling them up and letting them know that our wedding is going to be very small, but we would still love the opportunity to celebrate with them by having them at the shower.

I am complete ogre when it comes to social etiquette. I am rarely offended by anything, therefore have a tendency to offend others unknowingly. Is it horribly tacky to invite people to a shower/wedding related party who are not going to be invited to the wedding?

Social Piranha

*****

Yes.


Photo by Diana Scheunemann via Franziska HOLZER

It's never bloody simple.

Dear ESB, I have a dilemma.

I shall set the scene for you first: 

We are getting married in 6 months time in an idyllic country church in a small village in Somerset where my FH grew up. The reception will be held on his parents' substantial rural gorgeous property (think thatched farmhouse, extensive grounds and gardens, large barn for dining). We are deliriously, happily in love and looking forward to celebrating with 80ish of our close friends and family.

I was going to have zero bridesmaids, I'm really anti-traditional wedding protocol and there will be no speeches just music, dancing and lots of alcohol. The thought of a hen do makes me want to curl up and die. I am a recently retired (read turned 30) DJ and the sight of an L plate and a veil entering the club is ensued by an icy grip on your heart as you come to terms with the knowledge that at some point in the night you are going to be asked to play something truly, truly shit. BUT I do have some wonderful friends and FH has a three year old well behaved niece so I have myself a wedding party...plan number 1 failed. Included are my two best friends, my two teen cousins and said small one. This is when I started to spiral into difficulty, even though we both wanted this to be as simple and easy as possible- it never bloody is.

The father of one of my teen bridesmaids is my ex-uncle, through a now-broken-up marriage. To put it bluntly, he is a twat. A BMW driving, twice bankrupted, wife-beating, lying, cheating, charming, troublemaking, double glazing salesman. My Aunt is still in close contact with him (WHY), as is (obviously) his daughter- who thinks he is a saint and doesn't know the half of it. Now they expect it as a given that he will be invited- I mean what the fuck??? Why on earth would I want the man who had a punch up at his own wedding, and started a fight at my other aunts wedding at my own sacred nuptials- the guy has a track record.

My Ma hates him and is on my side. My FH's parents are amazing, seriously fucking brilliant refined gentle country people and I love them and never want to expose them to this low-life. But my Aunt is Sicilian and can be really scary and hold a grudge and I have visions of her pulling my cousin out the wedding if I don't comply. I've tested the waters and talked to other members of my family, stating that there is no way I'm having him there and they have stuck up for him saying he's changed and is cool now. He is not, I saw him a while back, he was drunk and unpleasant, but not as bad as I remember.

Now I'm starting to think maybe we should just invite him to avoid all the tension (as I said my Aunt is fucking scary and should keep him in line) do I risk it just to have an easy life?

Right now I'm burying my head in the sand and concentrating on the smug, warm feeling I get when I remember that my dressmaker, who owns a little vintage shop in a nearby village and whom I stumbled on by chance, just casually dropped into conversation at my last fitting that she has worked for both Galliano and Dior. This is a way better feeling then the former.

Yours Faithfully,
Dirtylittlerockgirl

*****

Come on, littlerockgirl. Did you lose your backbone when you turned 30??

Don't invite the twat.

Photo by Cass Bird for Muse Magazine

Happy Tuesday

I thought you might enjoy this Amy Adams for Band of Outsiders shoot. 

I'm a sucker for polaroids. Always.

Also: There's a new Dear ESB over on 100 Layer Cake! (It's been a while. Let's hope they don't eat me alive...)

If I invite The England Sister do I have to invite The Heroin Sister?

Dear East Side Bride,

I am in a pickle.

An old high school friend told my older brother that if she was invited to our wedding then she would POSSIBLY come. She lives in England. So when I was making my guest list, I was for sure she wouldn't come because it's so far. HOWEVER, their parents are invited to the wedding because they are family friends.

I would just add her and wager that she wouldn't come after all (we don't have a ton of space for extra guests) BUT the truth is that back in the day, her sister and I were closer. The sister became an on and off heroine addict. And we haven't really been in touch since very much. So, I don't feel super cozy adding in the England sister without adding the heroine sister. Because quite frankly, I don't want a heroine addict at my wedding. And what if they make a whole family vacation of it.

Can't I just pretend my brother didn't tell me this and that the parents are the family representatives?

What do you think?

*****

If only she were a "heroine" addict. How much more palatable that would be....

Listen, I don't get this thing where you guys invite people you don't rly WANT at your wedding because you're betting they won't make it.

Only invite the people you actually want to hang out with.

Stella Tennant & Marte Mei van Haaster by Mario Testino for Vogue UK September 2012

Just getting started.

Hi ESB,

Long-time reader, first-time writer. My boyfriend of 2 and a half years proposed last week in Ireland. I'm ecstatic, and would love to be married in June of 2013.

The biggest conundrum I'm facing right now is where to have this event: My parents and extended family are all from Oklahoma, but I was raised in Brooklyn until High School when their divorce was finalized and I moved back to OK to be with my Mom and stepdad. My fiance is an Irish Catholic West Point graduate from Yonkers, NY. His whole family is either in Ireland, or within 45 minutes of West Point. 

We both agree that a wedding in the Catholic Chapel at West Point would be beautiful. It would mean a lot to him, and it would also honor his service and put our (foreseeable) future (as he will deploy and we will move around quite a bit in the next 15 years) in perspective for my family. And as we'll have people coming from Ireland, and friends from D.C. (where we are), it'll be easier to convene everyone right outside of NYC.

I have to admit though, it stings a little that my family will have to travel for this event, but his (immediate) family will not.  

No matter where the big event is, I really want to exchange vows and celebrate on my grandparents' property in Oklahoma. One generation up, my grandparents have set a lovely example for me in what marriage, commitment and family should be. I spent every summer there as a child, even before I moved there for H.S. Originally, I was thinking we could just do a hippie ceremony with family and friends that wouldn't be able to make it out to West Point, and then do the big shindig in NY.

But then I started pricing things out. My Mom and Stepdad are very generously giving us 40,000. I can put in another 10,000 (fiance and clan are handling the typical groom's family stuff - the rehearsal dinner etc). My Father is sick, and may not be able to contribute anything. To my shock and horror, $50,000 seems to buy extremely little in the Hudson Valley! Going with the conventional rule of only spending 40% on the reception, we have our pick of tacky bridal factory places -- and that's about it. Why spend that much for such a cookie-cutter experience??

As for what we originally envisioned, we want to boogie all night with our nearest and dearest (capping it at college friends and extended family puts us in the ballpark of 200 or so guests). Live band, open bar for the Irish folk (who apparently always drink wedding venues dry), with really heartfelt touches throughout. We also hoped for a rockin Irish rehearsal dinner, and lovely day-after brunch.

I'd be over the moon with a wedding at my grandparents' house - but I know how lovely, important and convenient West Point is. Even my parents in Oklahoma are worried about having the big celebration there - as Irish family and DC friends might not be able to come. 

Please help me make sense of all of this! A feast for 25 in NY, and big celebration in OK? Bite the bullet on the tacky stuff because that's the most convenient?

Yours,
Confused.

*****

Dear Confused,

Welcome to wedding planning! It sucks.

First off, don't go with the "conventional rule" about anything. Who says you should only spend 40% of your budg on the reception? The same ppl who think you should spend 10% on flowers, 10% on attire, and 10% on a wedding coordinator.

YOU CAN SPEND YOUR BUDGET HOWEVER YOU WANT. Spend 40% on booze if you want to.

But I can't answer the where question for you. You and your future husb need to sit down and make the hard decision about which location means the most to the both of you. Either way, wherever you do the thing, there will be friends/family members who just can't make it.

Did I mention wedding planning sucks?

xoxo,
ESB

Lover's Eyes locket courtesy of The Met via c ktnon via Michiko M + even*cleveland

I don't like my friend's soon-to-be husband

Hi ESB,

My old friend (haven't seen her in a while) from college is getting married and is inviting our mutual friend (my girl bestie), myself & my fiance to her wedding. I don't like her soon to be husband, he smokes too much weed and drinks too much, he makes her life a constant soap opera (police problems, extended family issues, etc) and has done for 6+ years, it's the primary reason we don't see each other often anymore.

I don't want to invite him to my wedding (in the future) (just her) so can I just decline my fiance's attendance to her wedding and rock up with my best friend to our mutual friend's wedding and just not invite him when I get married? Is that really a no no?

*****

Doesn't matter if you don't bring your fiancé to her wedding. If you don't invite her (NEW) husband to yours, you will have some explaining to do.

Are you prepared to tell her you don't like her (NEW) husband?

Photo: Adrianna Glaviano via all the mountains

Can you ever say "I'm sorry I didn't invite you to my wedding?"

Hey ESB,

I'm one of those annoying ask-your-opinion-more-than-one-time people, but (to butter you up here) I did take your advice last time, and I could really use a dose of no-nonsense. I emailed you about the royal wedding inspiring me to purchase a fascinator, and thank you for talking me out of that one. It was terrible. I went with a headband from Twigs and Honey, which I loved. Our wedding was imperfectly perfect, and almost a year later, I am so happy with the memories... except for one thing.

We were strict with the guest list. It was the terrible combination of wanting an intimate wedding, coming from a huge (80+) family, and paying for it ourselves. As a result, it was only family and our close friends, but everyone was invited a guest. We bent the no-family-friends rule for one couple, the parents of a bridesmaid whom I have known forever and who are very close to me. 

We did not invite one couple that used to be close to my parents, and, in ways that I did not appreciate, still are close to my family. We used to have holiday dinners with them, but I haven't personally spoken to them in years. However, over and over again, they pop up in my life, always supportive, gracious, and lovely, and I immensely regret not extending the invite. I feel bad, and I'm not a sentimental, guilt-laden person.

To make matters worse (and this is where I blush, even as I write this), an old friend's mother threw me a bridal shower in my hometown and invited some old family friends, even though they were not invited to the actual wedding. (For the record, she wasn't invited either, and said she would make it clear that our across-the-country wedding was a family only affair). 

Hindsight 20/20. I would have nixed the shower because it made me feel awkward to be celebrated by people I didn't invite and I'm not sure the 'family only' bit came through. Ugh. The couple in question came to the shower (including the husband, who crashed the lady only event by sweetly saying, "No way I was going to miss seeing you and saying congratulations!"), were nothing but gracious, and even gave me a bit of money in a card. Did I mention they are great people? Which makes me feel worse. This is my one wedding related regret, and I have a pit in my stomach whenever I think of them or hear their names mentioned.

ESB, how do I say :Sorry, I should have invited you to my wedding?" or do I shut my trap, swallow my guilt, and don't bring it up?

*****

Send these lovely people a wedding photo (I CAN'T BELIEVE I SAID THAT I NEVER SAY THAT) along with a little note to the effect of: "I just wanted to tell you both that I missed having you at the wedding. I wish we'd allowed ourselves to be more flexible with the guest list."

Then let yourself off the hook.

Photo: Laure de Sagazan

blah blah MOH, blah blah guest list

Hello,

I wrote a year or so ago regarding my man taking too long to propose and you told me to chill the fuck out or ask him already. I did neither, although it was sound advice. So this past weekend he finally did ask me and we are very excited to move on with our lives. I am not even sure what kind of wedding we want yet, but we do know a few things, including that we don't want a bridesmaids or groomsmen. My main reason is that traditionally my sisters are always each other's MOH, and I don't want my sister to be mine! I am the last to marry, so I would be really insulting her if I don't ask her, but I have several girlfriends that I am much closer with. I think secretly she would hate the task too, but would dutifully do it. I was her MOH, and I hated it and she was a horrible bride. So is the only solution to just not have a wedding party at all? If so, who signs the license?

A little background info - my man and I have been together for 9 years and have a child, home, and dog together already. We just want a big fun gorgeous party. I don't want a bridal shower and we are not registering for gifts or any of that. 

A second, related question is - how do we get out of inviting aunts, uncles, and cousins that we never talk to? Do we just invite everyone and not worry about it or can we say only our best friends and close family are invited?

Thanks! 

*****

DO YOU EVEN READ THIS BLOG??

You people make me tired.

1. Ask whoever you want to be your MOH and/or sign the damn license.

2. Yes, you can say that only close friends and family are invited. (SEE, YOU DO READ THIS BLOG.)

Like you're going to follow my advice anyway. Who are we kidding.


"B u r n t" by Robert Wun via Clik clk via lucille {m}

obsessing over the final numbers

Dear ESB,

My fiance and I are getting married very soon. We are getting SUPER excited, but I have a really strange guest list situation that I need to resolve. When we made our list months ago, my fiance included a couple who are his friends from undergrad. These friends live in Texas and the wedding is taking place in Chicago.

Among their group this couple is NOTORIOUS for saying that they'll be somewhere and then inexplicably not showing up. In fact, when they replied yes for our wedding another friend made the comment, "Don't believe them." Our final number is due to our caterer on Friday, and we would really like to avoid paying for people who are unlikely to actually show up. Last night my fiance asked what their travel plans are so we could decide to include them or not. They said they're planning to make the 20 hour drive, but they don't know when they're traveling, whether they'll take one or two days for the trip, and they have no reservations at a hotel or plans for lodging.

We think there's a less than 10% chance that they're actually going to follow through and be at the wedding. We all know that it's expensive to host a wedding, and we had to make some hard decisions about our guest list, so I think the difference of 2 people is significant enough to think about.

So here's my question: What do I do? Do I take them out of the final number, even though they say they're going to come? That doesn't seem ok to me. Can I include them in the final number, but invite a couple of other local friends at the last minute in the event that they decide to bail? Is that rude to the last-minute guests? Or just deal with it?

I'm not going to lie, I regret the decision to invite these people over other friends, but I'm wondering what's acceptable now that we're dealing with this situation.

*****

Include the flakes in your final numbers (obvs) and prepare to be pleasantly surprised if they show.

Now go write your fucking vows. This is not something you should waste your energy on.

Photo: Zuzanna Bijoch by Catherine Servel

Crazy Pseudo-Sister-In-Law-To-Be Is Making Me Crazy

Hello ESB,

I read your blog daily, and I was hoping to never have a problem that would rise to ESB-level, but unfortunately I wasn’t so lucky. I will try to be as brief as possible.   

My FH is from New Zealand. He has a younger brother, "Mike", who is 34.  Mike has been with "Emily" for at least 7 years (they have lived together for that long). They are not engaged, and I don't think Mike has any plans to propose (a whole different topic completely). When I first met her last year in Auckland she immediately vented her frustration with not being engaged and told me she planned to propose to Mike on Leap Day (2012). However, in January, my FH proposed to me. Emily never proposed to Mike. And FH and I are happily in love and planning our wedding. Unfortunately, I am Facebook friends with Emily.

She posted this as a status update after I had posted an engagement photo of FH and me on Facebook (her status postings are in blue and are only altered to change the names of people referenced):

May 18
It's amazing how someone (or a pair of people in this instance) can burst your bubble so much that you give up on your own hopes and dreams...sad but true

Now, let me say she is overall a pretty negative person, so posts like this are not shocking. But I couldn’t help but realize the timing of the post, the “pair” reference, etc. I mentioned it to FH and while we assumed it was in reference to our engagement photo, we tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. I forgot about it and went on with my life. 

Then a week later, she posted this as her status update:

May 28
Yes, I'm hoping that one day Mike and I will be able to take time out to enjoy life a bit before we're too old to move! I keep reading people's status updates and think, shit, where do people find the time and money to have fun (this includes going out for dinner or coffee for god's sake let alone going away for the wknd, going overseas, entertaining, etc. etc.??) Jealous much, fuck yeah! It's tak...ing me a lifetime to save to go to a family wedding in LA (my first time overseas - voluntary) - It's very, very likely I may need to forfeit that cos I'm still too fucking poor!! Never mind study loan shit. Prostitution has been an option for many, many years, but I'm still struggling with the concept to go ahead with it...and Mark would kill me. Donations to the "Emily Fund" very welcome.

and

Hey Linz - thanks for the feedback - I can see where you're coming from :) But firstly, I'm too old and ugly to be fluttering my eyes at punters to earn $$, secondly I am working (part-time while studying full time) but business is shit wit...h the current econmic market, thirdly, our internet costs are a flat rate per month despite how much I use (which isn't too much at all) so happy days, and finally, I do get to spend time with family and friends every now and then which is absolutely great, but I miss being able to go out for dinner/coffee/anything once in a while or being able to buy something nice without having to consider how I am going to live (survive) for the next week. I never buy clothes, and I haven't even had my hair cut or coloured in over 7 years to save $$. I do it all myself - that's why I look so shit. One day I'll win lotto and hopefully get a well-paying job, too!! ;) Postive thinking mate, I'll get there!!! :)

This one caused me to be somewhat angry because she’s complaining about having to save for our wedding in LA (Los Angeles), and I'm like, don't do me any favors. But, I also felt sorry for her becuase she's having to save for our wedding, so I bought a New Zealand Groupon for a dinner and was preparing to email it to her. P.S. Mike owns his house in Auckland, and they are not poor. Let me also say Mike is also on Facebook, and I have yet to confirm whether he has seen all of these crazy posts.

Then prior to my sending the Groupon, and just after I had posted about 30 engagement photos on Facebook, she posts this as her status:

May 31
I know, I know, jealousy makes you nasty - but come on! If you knew the circumstances, you'd so be backing me on this one!! Yet another kick to the guts! Pity it's extended family doing the kicking - perhaps it's time for a revist of the mid-life crisis I had earlier this year... :( 

This is pretty much when I got actually angry/annoyed. I am kicking her in the GUTS? I talked to FH and told her that she is crazy, and I really didn't want anyone at our wedding that isn’t happy to be there and happy for us. He agreed that she’s crazy.  He says her whole family is crazy, and we have to treat her like a person with a disease. Long story short, even though his parents, my FH, and I all think she’s a bit crazy and rude, we are still supposed to invite her to our wedding (per my FH). FH is convinced that she won’t come because she either can’t afford it or just won’t want to be there (weird that Mike wouldn't buy her ticket, but again, not my issue). I don’t want to take that chance! But, I gave in, and said I wouldn’t deal with it for now. 

Then she posted this as her status today:

11 hours ago
I need to remind myself that I should never envy others because everyone has their own life (and shit to deal with) and you never know what's gonna happen in the future. (just trying to justify a jealous reaction to certain things and, naturally, to a wedding coming up next year... *^&#^*(@(*$*(@(^(@*) I need to remember to love & appreciate what I have now and stop comparing my life to others (a ...heavy burnden I've carried from my high school years of comparison and competing - YUKKY memories, but true, hence the reason I hate my RGHS years!) BUT, life is what you make of it - I am happy now, and I have genuine people in my life who love me for me, so that's all that matters. Ok, had my rant. Thanks for reading/listening! Have a good weekend peeps xx

So, now I’m just at a loss. FH is still saying we need to treat her like she has a disease. I’m wondering why if she’s so off her rocker that Mike is with her. He’s a good looking, nice, smart guy. And this is just unbelievable. 

So here’s my question: I know she’s obviously very disturbed and super unhappy with her life. But I'm also incredibly affected by this behavior. I just don’t think I can let this go and have her show up at our wedding and put on this attitude. Plus, she'd be at EVERY event because she's "family," and Mike is a groomsman. FH doesn’t want me to say anything to provoke her. Also, our save the dates are going out next week, and I cannot imagine the backlash from that. 

What can I do? What should my FH do? How do I get him to do it? What do I do with the Groupon? Any Kiwi-readers want it?

Thanks much

*****

Your FH is right. You have to invite the crazy lady.

Hide her damn updates, and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ease up on the engagement-photo stream.

NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT MANY ENGAGEMENT PHOTOS.

Photo by Herring & Herring