sorry, but you're not invited to the *ceremony*

Dear ESB,

I'm the MOV for a friend's wedding and I have a question with respect to the ceremony. The bride wants to have her ceremony on a balcony at the hall where the reception is being held (ceremony at 5pm, reception at 6pm). The balcony is small and won't hold all the guests so she wants to only invite close friends and family to the ceremony and plans to do this by word of mouth.  

I think that people will be confused and maybe even offended if they don't get invited to the ceremony. I told her if she wants to have a smaller, more intimate ceremony to do it on another day prior to the reception.

Is it okay to have a smaller ceremony the same day as the reception and just not invite all the guests?

*****

yeah, no. that's rude.

you can have a big wedding or you can have a small wedding, but you can't have BOTH. not at the same fucking location.

p.s. wtf does MOV stand for? maid of valor? matron of videography??


kati nescher in miu miu, shot by patrick demarchelier for vogue uk (february 2013)

The best is the enemy of the good.

I procrastinated writing about my wedding for ESB because I wanted to write something perfectly awesome, but there are no such words to encapsulate everything I want to say about it. Thankfully Jessica Schilling did one hell of a job with the photos, so they do most of the talking.

I had many of the same struggles all brides have with their weddings, but it was the first (god willing, only) time for me, so of course it felt like I was the only person dealing with xyz. That being said, I highly recommend working full time and being a full time grad student while planning your wedding. You find that you have no time to be indecisive. My mantra became "The best is the enemy of the good."

For instance, we didn't give much thought to how long it would take for the various parties to get down the aisle versus the songs playing. We just cut that shit about 30 seconds into each song (the dudes - "Going the Distance" from the Rocky soundtrack, the ladies - Neutral Milk Hotel "In the Aeroplane...", and me/my parents - Bach's Cello Suite #something - 1?) with no fancy fading. Sounded kind of hilarious and half assed in retrospect, but world did not end! Laughed a lot instead.

We did this low-ish budget style (for LA at least) but spent a much higher percentage on our officiant than most wedding budgets will tell you to. We hired Gina Zimmerman - the one wearing a glittery shawl and harem pants blessing our marriage site with sage - and it was one of the best decisions we made.

Knowing we had way way WAY too much going on while wedding planning meant we wanted to make sure the one part that actually mattered - the ceremony - was exactly what we wanted. Gina came to our home, nestled up with our cats and listened to us for hours one evening so she could write extraordinarily beautiful things for the ceremony about us, the partnership we have, and the partnership we strive towards. It was totally, completely awesome.

I totally expected to be a crying mess during our vows etc, but it took till our first dance (The Breeders - Off You) for me to totally lose it. And lose it I did! Makes for fun pictures.

Photos by Jessica Schilling. Check out tons more images of Erin & Mike's totally, completely awesome wedding (along with dets about location &c.) over here.

♥ ♥ ♥

Me: super nervous about getting married, being centre of attention and want to grab a few minutes alone with the boy prior to the wedding ceremony. 

Him: magical, super romantic moment pictured of seeing me for the first time walking up the aisle. 

Can there be a happy compromise??

*****

Just don't do fucking First Look photos, whatever you do.

Dear ESB: Pls help me write my vows

Oct 4, 2011

I love your blog. I wish I had found it sooner before I went through the stages of wedding planning....(excitement, inspiration, planning, sticker shock, disbelief, anger, a sense of failure that I don't want to craft every (or any) part of my wedding, then just relaxing about it and realizing it's our awesome party and nobody's judging it). I could have gotten to the end part faster.

Anyhow, my FH and I are getting married next month, we've planned a laid back, backyard-dinner-party-after-a-short-ceremony type wedding in a rented mid-century-modern house in Palm Springs. Most all of it's planned to the extent it's going to be, except our vows. Neither of us are religious, our friend who's a bit of a ham is marrying us and while I want to keep things lighthearted I also want to convey the gravity of what we're doing.

We have no idea where to look for inspiration on vows. I've only found cheesy inspiration through my internet searches, I'm not sure where to turn to. My FH is very quiet by nature and while I'm more of a talker the idea of standing in front of 60 people and saying the most important promise I'll make gives me HUGE stage fright. I tear up during a good movie montage I'm sure I'll be a wreck walking down the aisle.

Where can I find inspiration for simple, short, sweet, heartfelt vows? Everything but this has already been planned and this is the most important part. We are kind of winging the day-of stuff since it's such a small, casual event but I don't want to be winging out wedding vows because we couldn't find anything we thought suited us. Any ideas or direction-pointing would be SUPER appreciated!

*****

Jan 4, 2012

whoops i guess i blew this one.

how did it go?????????????

*****

Haha! Thanks for getting back to me. It went great! 

It was pouring rain and it let up for a few minutes so we all ran out in the backyard and had literally a 3 minute ceremony before it started pouring rain again. That day was a huge lesson in not being able to plan everything out to the smallest detail like the control freak I am and having it turn out awesome no matter what. 

Instead of a backyard dinner party we crammed everyone under the carport and although it sounds weird it was so intimate and beautiful. 

PS...being married is WAAAY more fun than being engaged.

XO

*****

What was your favorite vow?

*****

This is what we said:

I, Jason - take you Beatrix to be the wife of my days / the companion of my house / the friend of my life /
We shall bear together / whatever trouble and sorrow / life may lay upon us /
And we shall share together / whatever good and joyful things / life may bring us /
With these words / and all the words of my heart / I marry you / and bind my life to yours.

The last sentence was my favorite part, I totally had to keep it together just to get through it. 

Proof once again that you guys don't ever actually need my help.

♥ 

(Photos by Alders Photography)

Should I have the warm + fuzzies for my wedding officiant?

March 14, 2011

Hi ESB,

I'm getting married in two months. Neither my fiance nor I are religious and have decided a JOP/judge is the way to go for our officiant.

My question is, for non-religious brides, are you supposed to feel a connection to the officiant? I've met with one very nice officiant who has a calm voice, an authoritative presence and excellent reviews from past brides (found online, not on his personal website). But I don't have much of a rapport with him. I'm sure he'll show up on time on the day of and make the ceremony feel official, special even, given his reviews online.  But I'm wondering, should I have the warm and fuzzies for him? Or is it normal, especially when having a non-religious ceremony, to feel a little more distant from the person officiating your wedding?

Any advice is much appreciated!
Confused in Chicago

*****

May 11, 2011

Yipes, I'm late writing to you. Any updates?

*****

May 21, 2011

Hi ESB!

Greetings from the land of newly returned honeymooners! I can't tell you how happy I am that I never have to plan a wedding again for the rest of my life. (And that includes if fate deals me a bad hand and I get divorced/widowed. Screw wedding planning. I'm eloping next time.)

So, in short, I can tell you that you absolutely should have a rapport with your officiant (although warm fuzzies are not required). I can also tell you that it will matter very little how your officiant looks or acts on your wedding day. Because you really will not notice.

In the end, I listened to my gut and called a few other judges in Chicago. The first judge I talked to wasn't available on our wedding day but was incredibly nice and friendly, and I immediately felt better just talking to him. He recommended another judge, who I talked to on the phone and was personable and professional. He was available on the day of, he didn't suggest anything about a sand ceremony, unity candle or giving roses to every important female in the room (gag me with a spoon) and once we booked with him he sent us a secular wedding template for us to consider for our ceremony. We tweaked it, edited it, added in the vows we'd already picked out, and writing our ceremony together one sunny afternoon in April is one of my favorite memories about the wedding preparation process.

I never met our officiant in person before the wedding day. Before our ceremony, he arrived early, met separately with myself and my husband, gave us pointers on where to stand, got the wedding license and his remaining payment, and headed out to the ceremony area. He did an excellent job, he had a great voice, and he even threw in a sweet addition at the beginning of the ceremony that really set the tone. But ultimately, my eyes were on my man, my future husband, the whole time. He and I just stood there grinning at each other, having the most romantic staring contest - we couldn't take our eyes off each other (see attached photo - one of my many favorites from the day). Once we were pronounced husband and wife, we ran for the nearest private space and had several quiet minutes alone. I never even said goodbye to the officiant, who slipped out after the ceremony, simply because he knew his job was done and we were fine.

So, yes, it's important to feel a rapport with your officiant. Don't book someone you don't feel comfortable talking to or that you don't like the idea of speaking to all your friends and family for 10-15 minutes. If they give you pushback on anything you really want - including a template of the ceremony - look for another person. But also don't worry about the day of - your focus will so not be on the person wearing judges robes, priest robes, etc. It'll be on the only other person in the room dressed as awesomely as you are, grinning like a fool.

Signed,
Contented in Chicago

*****

Speaking of wedding officiants... It felt like the right day to publish this one.

If our minister is ordained online, will the wedding be legal?

Hi ESB,

I'm sorry for only ever asking you questions about officiants, but this aspect of wedding planning has been the most problematic. I'm in a bind. The wedding is just over 3 months away and I found out yesterday that I am officiant-less. My family friend who was a former pastor had qualms about performing a non-religious ceremony. I understand, I get it, but now I need an alternate. We had a possible back up plan who was okay with performing a non-religious ceremony but it turns out that since he is a Deacon, he can only marry people in a church. We are having our ceremony and reception in a bar/restaurant. It's too late to change the ceremony location.

I like the idea of having someone I know officiate the ceremony. I was considering asking a long-time friend to get ordained online but this article made me question the legality of doing that. In addition to the legality issue, my friend isn't used to public speaking, so I'm not sure how he would hold up in front of a crowd.

What do you think I should do?  Do you or your readers have any recommendations for good NYC area officiants willing to perform a non-religious ceremony? If I have to go with a stranger, I'd at least like said stranger to come highly recommended...

*****

You're wise to be cautious. I know of two couples were "married" by friends this past year in the great state of Los Angeles and discovered weeks (or months?) later that the marriages were not in fact legal because said friends did not manage to mail the damn licenses in on time or fill in the correct zip codes.

It may not be brain surgery, but apparently it is almost as complicated as registering a vehicle with the DMV.

Anyhoo. Can anyone recommend a good NYC officiant?

Stella McCartney Resort 2012 via Tobacco & Leather

Can I put my niece in the wedding but not my nephew?

Dear ESB,

I am torn about having children in our wedding party. My fiance and I love kids and want some in our wedding, but what we don't want is a whiny child irritating us right before we walk down the aisle. 

My nephew is 4 and rather shy, also kind of whiny. I love him whole-heartedly, but worry that he wouldn't want to walk down the aisle for a crowd of 250. On the other hand, my niece (from my other sister) is not shy and will totally wow the audience. Then there are four others who we feel we can't exclude. And so now, to forgo any baby-drama, we are considering x'ing out all the nieces and nephews who may or may not enjoy this wedding day duty.

Okay, so my question is: Can I have one, but not the other? Will my sister be totally hurt if I exclude her kid? Do I just get over it and let him be in the wedding? Do I have all of them - six total?! Help!

*****

Uh, YEAH your sister will be hurt. You've gotta use all the kids or none of them.

Keep in mind, they can still hang out and be cute and shit without butting in on the ceremony. (See: The above photo Chau sent me from her Houston wedding.)

If I were to get married now...................

from Gracie of woolgathering & miscellany

If I were to get married now... I wouldn't change a whole lot.

Frankly, I'm glad I got married young and poor, otherwise I'd probably be stressing about booking The Flashdance, blog-worthy floral arrangements, and wondering if I'd get to be on ESB. It was perfectly imperfect.

That said, here are some things I would do differently now: 

1) Not wear a dress made from flammable material, rather this hot little Ann Demeulemeester number above (shoes and all).

2) Forgo the stripper satin red opera length gloves and don these white versions of my black Hermes bracelets.

3) Wear these (incredibly affordable) MiniCyn diamond-like studs. I'm very picky about jewelry and tend to wear the sh*t out of a few simple pieces. It's hard for me to add new staples, but French designer MiniCyn has somehow worked her way into the regular rotation.

4) Would've tried to spruce up the dive bar a little. Perhaps with some DIY Confetti System inspired adornments & definitely some white catholic religious candles with personalized labels.

5) Made this Digby & Iona diamond signet ring my wedding ring. It comes with wax to seal your letters with! I plan on getting it now anyway.

6) Would've had Neil Hamburger perform our marriage on stage instead of just performing stand-up at the reception.

You are the bread and the knife

Litany

You are the bread and the knife,
the crystal goblet and the wine.
You are the dew on the morning grass
and the burning wheel of the sun.
You are the white apron of the baker,
and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.

However, you are not the wind in the orchard,
the plums on the counter,
or the house of cards.
And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.
There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air.

It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge,
maybe even the pigeon on the general's head,
but you are not even close
to being the field of cornflowers at dusk.

And a quick look in the mirror will show
that you are neither the boots in the corner
nor the boat asleep in its boathouse.

It might interest you to know,
speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,
that I am the sound of rain on the roof.

I also happen to be the shooting star,
the evening paper blowing down an alley
and the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.

I am also the moon in the trees
and the blind woman's tea cup.
But don't worry, I'm not the bread and the knife.
You are still the bread and the knife.
You will always be the bread and the knife,
not to mention the crystal goblet and - somehow - the wine.

Billy Collins

I think this poem would make a great reading for a wedding ceremony. It has such a terrific, dry sense of humor and then BAM! The last bit just slays me.

If you happen to have a three-year-old on hand to recite it, so much the better.

(Image by Christina Richards Weddings; Words via even*cleveland)

who's going to walk me down the aisle...?

Hey ESB,
 
I'm a new reader and I have to say, I adore your blog. All of the comments and responses are so heartfelt and REAL. Which is what prompted me to write to you about my own wedding blahs.

My family is very complicated. I was adopted by my maternal grandparents when I was two years old. I met my biological father when I was fifteen. Since then, he and I have formed a very good relationship. He's actually selling his house to me, which has been in the family for 7 generations, and he's giving me a killer deal. He's very calm and level headed about things and I'm proud of the bond we have formed.
 
However, my mother and my aunt HATE him. They don't realize that people can change and that he's not the person they knew 25 years ago. They bad talk him constantly in front of me, even though they have not spoken with him in ages. It's very awkward for me and I usually just wind up looking down at my nails, hoping to get sucked into a black hole. It doesn't help that he recently married a woman that went to high school with my mom. Somehow, this affects my mother.

To make it even better, I never really lived with my mom. I lived with my grandparents until my grandfather died and then I tried to live with her, but she sent me to live with our horse trainer in Ohio during the summers and during the school year, I stayed most nights at my friends house or would do what I called the Ping-pong, which was wake up at her house, go to school, my aunt pick me up that night, I spend the night there, wake up at my aunt's, go to school, my mom would pick me up from school....you get the picture...until finally, my aunt and uncle asked if I would just want to live with them.

So, to me, I have 4 mom's- my biological mom, my grandmother who adopted me, my aunt who raised me from 15-18, and my step-mom. And I have 3 dad's-my biological dad, my grandfather (who passed away when I was eleven or twelve) and my uncle.

I'm dreading the awkwardness of my wedding. My fiance's family is complicated too, but they all suck it up and get along and are adults about things.

And I'm mainly worried about who's going to walk me down the aisle. Do I ask my uncle who has been there for me since I was a baby? Or do I ask my dad who has been there for me for going on eleven years and has done everything he can to be a good dad since I've met him? Do I ask them both and deal with the awkward vibe passing between them? Do I apologize to both of them and walk myself down the aisle?
 
This whole situation is really bumming me out. Please help!!

Thank you,
Alicia*

*****

Lady, I say you've got two options:

1. Walk down the aisle your very own self** (or on the arm of your intended). Simple. Badass. Done.

2. Ask who you want to ask. And ask the other guy to give a speech. That way they will both feel important and dad-ish.

Under no circumstances do you owe anyone an apology. 

In fact, if your mom gives you any more shit about your dad I suggest that you remind her she was the one who had a fucking baby with him in the first place.

Love,
ESB 

(Photo by Lukas Wierzbowski via Design For Mankind) 

*I made up a name again. This is some heavy shit. Plus it's fun to make up names. 

** I went this route because frankly neither my father nor I wanted to perpetrate the notion that I was his property to be "given away." But I will spare you the synopsis of my undergraduate English thesis.

***UPDATE: Christina doesn't think she's an Alicia. And she has a blog. And she said she doesn't mind if I link to it.***

on adding pizazz to the wedding ceremony

 

Dear ESB,

I have no wedding crises needing resolution, but I would like your input on a ceremony tradition. My husband and I do not have any little kids in our families. I'm fine with having the minister or members of the wedding party pass us our rings, but some dippy, sentimental piece of me wants a flower girl to dress up and throw petals. We own cats, but that wouldn't fly. My grandma has arthritis. My mom has miniature schnauzers that would steal the show, but my husband isn't a big fan. Any ideas or creative methods of ring presentation? Or interesting bridal processional? I don't need my wedding video YouTubed and acknowledged by Anderson Cooper, but some pizazz would be fun.

-Liz

*****

I don't have any sentimental feelings about flower girls. Maybe because I had to be a flower girl when my dad married my stepmom and I didn't think it was fun. I didn't particularly like the dress the bride had custom-made for me and I thought it was torture to stand up there while the grownups droned on and on. As for bringing pets down the aisle, god help us. I mean, if you are really really attached to your dog (and esp if she happens to be fabulously photogenic) then fine. But for the love of god don't borrow dogs.

The point of a wedding ceremony is not to have "pizazz." The point is to SAY YOUR VOWS TO EACH OTHER. It will be lovely and amazing and moving and overwhelming. You don't need pizazz.

p.s. You have seen hipster puppies, yes? Thx to Blah, Blah, Blahg for spotting this killer shot.

Personalizing a Catholic Wedding

You guys, I need your help. Vanessa emailed me with this dilemma:

i'm having a catholic wedding - not our first choice, but we have to make our families happy as well - and part of the ceremony is they place a "unity cord" (in the shape of the figure 8). the ones that i've seen used in our culture's weddings are rope-like or rosary-like looking, which i'm not too keen on.

i was wondering if you can suggest something that we can do that aren't so ugly (i mean, rope? to what, hang ourselves with?) or too religious (fiance and i are not really religious, i mean, we have our own way of expressing our beliefs).

When H-town and I were in the early stages of thinking about our ceremony, I got excited about the Mexican wedding tradition of a lasso made of orange blossoms. (You can read about the tradition on this assy website, but be sure to mute your computer before clicking through.) Apparently orange blossoms symbolize fertility and happiness, though my thought at the time was to ask my aunt to use flowers from her garden.

We didn't end up doing it, but I still like the idea. Has anyone done something similar? Or do you have other suggestions to offer?

I searched high and low for a good photo of a floral lasso, but no dice. I def wasn't gonna post this.

finding love in the everyday

Go directly to yesterday's Words To Read When You Wed on A Practical Wedding.

And not just because Meg and Amanda gave me a shout-out.

Title and image courtesy of scissors paper glue

What the f* do I read at my wedding?

Amanda is doing a words to read at your wedding series for A Practical Wedding, and the first installment is up today.

I love her choices because they are unexpected. And personal.

That's what I find moving in a wedding ceremony. If it gets too flowery I tune out.

p.s. Please don't think I'm not paying attention to the inaug today (for example, George HW Bush's fur hat). I so am. But you all are so far ahead expressing the joy, I'm happy to soak it all in.

(Image: Toast via first milk)

one more from Winnie the Pooh

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered.

"Yes, Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."

After deliberating over several Pooh quotes, H-town and I settled on this one to begin our wedding ceremony.

I have a habit of saying "Hi" out of the blue even if H-town and I have been sitting next to each other for hours. I also like to whisper even when we're alone together. I'm definitely the Piglet in the relationship.

(I smiled all over when I saw that Peonies and The Boy included this Pooh quote in their ceremony.)

Image via Paul Pincus

Marriage advice from pooh

“If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.”
-- Winnie the Pooh

I'd love to use this quote in the ceremony. Or have I gone off my rocker again?

(Image courtesy of IntangibleArts)