family woes

Dear ESB,

Where do I begin....I've been with my guy for 6 years now. Love him. We are a great team. His family on the other hand is getting more and more drama filled. I am an only child, so when it came time to pick people to stand up for my at our wedding I decided on 3 girls accordingly…him on the other hand has a step-sibling, half-sibling and full sibling. We took a month to think about our "wedding day" and who we envisioned standing up there with us before we asked everyone. He wanted his 3 friends...no brothers. He isn't close with his brothers, he is much closer with the guys he asked to stand up for him. I am down for that, whatever makes him happy is cool with me. 

Here is the kicker...we are 3 months away to the big day and his brothers are pissed. I don't understand why: a) they didn't say something way sooner and b) they assuming that because they all share the same last name they are entitled to be in the wedding? My man received a text from one of his brothers saying that I am controlling, and that he has zero say in the wedding (which could not be farther from the truth...I am pretty laid back with this whole wedding thing.) 

Instead of blowing up and ripping his brother a new one for that snide remark, I went for a run. I figured the brothers can work it out. It's hard enough on me that his step-mom isn't my biggest fan (for reasons unknown to me?!) She spreads all these nasty rumors about me, and then acts so dumb when I find out (hello...people talk...a lot...I will find out.) 

It's going to be awkward enough at our wedding because we have the mother of the groom, the father of the groom and the step mother of the groom (who from what we hear stole the father of the groom from the mother of the groom 22 years ago...it's messy as fuck.) Then we have my side of the family that is like My Big Fat Greek Wedding..but we are German. I hate the fact that I am going to look across the room and see two brothers who will be pissed at me, and potentially a step-mother-in law who doesn't like me either. 

Here is my question, was it wrong for us to not ask the brothers to be part of the wedding? Or are they acting entitled because of their last name? I mean, it's not like we have a golden ticket to the promise land and they can't come. 

Cheers,
Only-Child Bride 

*****

Fuck that shit.*

Don't negotiate with guilt-trippers.

Wouldn't you rather see two pissed/pissy brothers across the room than STANDING UP THERE, NEXT TO YOUR HUSBAND?

Love,
Only-Child Blogger

Anouck Lepere by Steven Pan for Interview Russia March 2012 via Fashion Gone Rogue
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*I could set up an auto-reply for every single Dear ESB that just read: "Fuck that shit." But it wouldn't be as much fun, would it?

What do I give my secretly pregnant sister for her super secret wedding?

Dear ESB,

I need a rockstar gift idea for my secretly pregnant sister's secret wedding. Superduper secret, like her man and I are the only ones who know about it. Being the only one there to celebrate, I'd really like to present them with something fabulous for the occasion. Any ideas?

*****

I haven't exactly been batting a thousand with the sister posts,* so I asked two of my favorite bloggers-who-have-sisters to field this one.

Lauren said:

first, friar lawrence, congratulations on being the +1 at a secret wedding! from this i infer that you are both trustworthy and awesome. were i you, i'd give the happy couple either A) something that'll stick with them forever or B) the complete absence of things.

if A's your route, i suggest you offer to go out and spring for matching tattoos to commemorate the day you're all sharing. seriously. they don't have to be big or visible, just on each of you for good; nothing says "i've got your back forever" like "i've got this on my back forever."

if you're more of a B, i think you should give them a day that's complete from start to finish, no input needed. they've been making decision after decision for this secret wedding and secret pregnancy - engagement and conception force you to have opinions about and make calls on a frightening array of things - and could probably use some "don't worry, i've got this one." book them a dinner someplace they'll love, a room in a hotel that will treat them right (whether that means making them feel like serge and jane or making them feel like wills and kate), and a day of something they've talked about wistfully. if you happen to be an oil magnate, throw in some plane tickets so all of this can happen in a place they've been meaning to visit.

(psst: A.)

Celia said:

Lucky you! If I had only had one other person at my wedding, I would have also chosen my sister. Seeing as she's pregnant, and this super secret wedding is a tiny celebration, I'm assuming that your sister and her fiancé might be on a bit of a budget. If I were you, I'd hire the most badass photographer in town to document every special moment and all the sweet details of the day.

You don't even have to reveal your rockstar gift before the wedding. Just arrange everything with the photographer before the big day, and have him/her show up to surprise the bride and groom. Not only will they have gorgeous photographs of what will most likely be one of the best days of their lives, but your sister will also have great professional pregnancy photos. Trust me, when you're pregnant, you're kind of desperate for beautiful and tasteful pictures of yourself. 

And the cherry on top? Not only will this be a great gift for them to cherish forever, but it's something that your future nephew/niece will treasure too.

(Image via Vejde Gustafsson)
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*Celia pretty much schooled me here and here.

My sister is a WEDDING BASHER

Dear ESB,

I'm in need of a bit of help. And the people I usually turn to are, in fact, part of the current problem.

You see, I got engaged many months ago, and am now about 6 months out from the wedding. When it came time to decide if I was going to have bridesmaids, the answer was an automatic YES, and I asked my wonderful sisters, as well as a dear friend. Shortly after I got engaged, one of my sisters also became engaged, and her wedding date was a few months before mine. I was thrilled for her! I was excitedly looking forward to planning together, and bouncing ideas off of each other, as both of our weddings will have some traditional and many non-traditional aspects.

However, it has been anything but. She has been bashing all of my ideas from my shoes, to my guest list, to my choices in general! She yelled at me when I mentioned a signature drink to cut down on liquor costs, saying it was her idea and I stole it from her. She made fun of me when I mentioned that my fiance's nephew would be our ring bearer, saying ring bearer's are tacky, and in turn, make a wedding look tacky. And she's been criticizing my decision about having non-matching bridesmaids. There have been more, but we'll just stop at 3 examples.

First, I'm pretty sure she does not own the rights to having a signature drink at weddings. I'm also pretty sure she wasn't the first one to come up with the idea. Second, I'm not the biggest fans of children in weddings either. Mainly because it is sad to see a poor kid stuffed into a tiny tux carrying a satin pillow. My fiance really wanted his nephew to be apart of the wedding, as it was very important to him. It's his wedding too. But we BOTH want the nephew to be comfortable, and, basically, just run down the aisle before I go. No tuxes, no satin pillow. And finally, I wanted my bridesmaids to like what they are going to wear on the day of the wedding. I did say it should be a dress from J Crew in any shade of blue; I thought it was the best of both worlds. I get bridesmaids in great little blue dresses, and they get to pick what style and shade best suits them. But it wasn't good enough for her, and she promptly decided to tell me non-matching bridesmaids will look silly, and I should force everyone to wear the same thing.

On top of all of this, she bashes all other weddings (including mine), and says all weddings are stupid and tacky. Except hers. Because hers is the most special of special. Not only that, but she's wrangling in my other sister (who loves everything and anything about weddings), to go along with her opinions.

Now, I don't want to kick her out as a bridesmaid; I chose her for a reason. I love my sisters very much, and I value their opinions. But what I don't like is being told my wedding ideas/plans are silly and tacky, and I should do BLAH instead. I decided not to tell her anymore plans/ideas because I'm sick and tired of being made to feel my wedding sucks.

She is constantly berating me about wedding plans, even if I don't tell her anything. What should I do?
 


Many thanks,

- bummed-out bride

*****

Um, yeah. I'm pretty sure Martha Stewart coined the phrase "signature drink" in 1987.

Here's the thing. Almost every bride is seized with the bizarre conviction that the way she is doing it/did it is the right way/only way to do it. It's like there's some piece that snaps loose in their brains.

Try stroking your sister's ego. Tell her how much you loooooooooooove the stupid dress she picked out for all of you to wear. How cool you think her dumb wedding's going to be. Etc.

But don't FOR AN INSTANT feel like you have to justify any of your choices.

(Photo of Audrey Tautou via Anj Ali)

Dear ESB: Should I tell my sister about her venue's sordid past?

here's the story: middle sis is getting married almost exactly a year from now. she's awesome but touchy, to put it mildly, and is extremely sensitive to drama between family members: she hates our stepmother for something that went down with our mom six years ago, for example, and our stepmother isn't invited to the wedding. a number of aunts and uncles won't be there, either, thanks to other dramas (and to the fact that sis and her fiance are paying for the wedding themselves, and it's going to be fairly intimate).

sis isn't especially wedding-y, and i thought it would take a while for her to settle on details. not so! she and fiance have already found a venue they both love and have locked in a date. here's the thing, though: unbeknownst to either of them, said venue is a former convent at which our mean aunt the former nun was cloistered. (she was kicked out of the order, which is...another story.) ANOTHER of our aunts ran away from home as a teenager and stayed at that same convent for a little while.

i find those details creepy and kind of cool, but i can imagine a sensitive someone planning to get married there could feel differently; wedlock cranks up superstition for some people. do i tell sis about her venue's past? if so, when?

*****

Tell her. NOW.

Otherwise some drunk uncle who is invited to the wedding will leak the story at the reception. (Or she'll find out ten years later, which would be even worse.)

Image via Life in Lomo

Dear ESB: Do I take the money from my former step dad?

My former step dad (father of my younger bro & sis, estranged) has been trying to make amends with my mom who has harbored years of resentment towards him due to child support non-payments and such, my extremely hard-headed stubborn sister (and moh) who has harbored years of resentment towards him due to abandonment issues, and my easy going affable brother.

I think he made some headway with my mom and brother but my sister refuses to talk to him. Since you are very astute you know I am getting married and while I don't agree with his actions of the past I tend to overthink things and see my wedding as not only a celebration of my dude and I declaring our love and commitment with our nearest and dearest, but also as an opportunity to reunite my hugely complicated family and maybe get past some disagreements and estrangements thru communal celebrating and crab cake eating.

I'm not delusional, I know that that's a tall order and I won't feel that my wedding has failed if that doesn't happen, but I've seen it happen before and I think my family is ripe for some Lifetime worthy hugfests.

Having said that, when this father type found out I was getting married, he called me and sent me a check. A pretty big check. Like, a third of our low-budge So-Cal DIY self-funded wedding budget's worth.

So. I was planning on inviting him anyway until my sister responded with a chinook of chilliness.

Do I:
a) take the money and send him pictures which he told me was enough being fully aware of how my sister feels about him and the situation
b) send the check back out of principal
c) try and convince my sister to at least listen to him try to make amends?*

* there is a distinct chance this will not happen. Seriously, my sister is the most stubborn person I have ever met.

ps i forgot option d) invite him and make her suck it up.

*****

d) Invite him and make her suck it up. I couldn't have said it better myself.

It's your wedding. And whether or not this man is your father by blood, he had a hand in raising you.

p.s. You probably shouldn't say anything to your sister about that hugfest you're hoping for. Just get em all there and see what happens.

(Photography by Keiron O'Connor for Jalouse via tobaccoandleather via Le Fashion)

Dear ESB: Our siblings SUCK

My fiancee and I have terrible siblings. We don't want them in our wedding parties. Tradition says we have to. As husband-elect, I feel it's my duty to maintain the peace between our merging families. My fiancee and I don't want my sister (who is 2.5 years older than me and has been living with her boyfriend longer than I have been dating my fiancee so she's already pissed her little brother is getting married first) as a bridesmaid; she's controlling, mean, belittling, and downright unpleasant. My brother-in-law-to-be is married with two kids and one on the way and could give as much of a shit about being in the wedding as he does about my fiancee and I. Is there a way we can keep the peace and honor them or appease them in some way but keep them out of our wedding parties? I know it's our day, etc, but a full-on snub would result in years of grudges and hurt feelings. What can we do?

*****

First of all, fuck tradition.

Does your older sister really want to pal around with your fiancée and feign interest in centerpieces and (god forbid) help plan the bachelorette party? Of course not. Her feelings will be hurt for two hours tops before she realizes how lucky she is not to have to wear the damn dress.

And you already said your brother-in-law won't give a shit.

So who actually does give a shit here? The moms?

I would say give each of your siblings some other role in the ceremony. Ask em to read a poem/light a candle/play the flute. Whatever. But if they really suck that much...

(diamond dog shot by a desert fete on her sweet old minolta)