The Accidental Cougar

Dear ESB,

This is not a wedding question. . . yet. But maybe you can advise. 

I'm in love with a man nine years my junior (I'm 32. He's 23.) I had no idea he was so young when I met him. I acknowledge this is absurd and can't possibly work out. But. I think I need someone else to tell me that. Can you knock some sense into me?

Or else tell me about your best friend who did the same thing and it magically worked out and they are still madly in love 20 years later? (HAHA)

love,
the accidental cougar

***

Are you in a hurry to get married and have kids and shit? Has the subject come up?

For now: ENJOY THE SEX and try not to think too hard about the future. (I'm more concerned about him being 23 than being nine years younger. But he won't stay 23 forever.)


Photography by Brendan Freeman / Styling by Katy Lassen / Makeup by Isamaya Ffrench for Used Magazine AW12 via HUNGER TV

Bangable hair

Hey ESB,

I am in the process of ending a relationship. It was great, until I realized he's a total player and the connection I thought we had was really just my imagination. The sex was amazing, but I have learned the hard way that physical chemistry can be deceptive. Just because his hands knew just how to touch me, his arms just how to squeeze me hello, and his huge dick how to give me multiple orgasms doesn't mean it was done with care. It just means he knows the right moves. And he's using them on a handful of other girls on the nights I'm not with him.

I have long hair (below boob length), which I know is a turn on for most guys, and especially for this dude. He made me feel so potent and sexy, and I think I kept it long for that reason. I've been wanting to cut my hair since before I met him. It seems like now is the time to go for the messy, dirty, I don't give a fuck bob I've been craving. But I hate to admit... part of me worries about not being bangable with short hair.

I know I need to "own it" and that confidence is sexy, but come on, confidence is fickle. I also know hair grows back, but that always takes forever. What if I cut my hair short and look like Lena Dunham on a bad day (but without her sense of humor)? What if I look like a soccer mom? Why do I feel tied to some male expectation of sexy?

I am so ready for a change. Help convince me to say fuck it and just do it. And if you have any other tips, I welcome them with open arms.

*****

Start off slow. You don't have to get a shaved-up-the-back-of-your-neck bob. You can get a messy, sexy, Alexa Chung bob. A Karlie Kloss for Iro bob (see above). A fuck-it, bed-head-y whoever-this-is bob. (Be sure to bring photos to your stylist.)

But do it! Cut it! Cut your hair!

Cut it just to prove to yourself that you are damn sexy with WHATEVER HAIR YOU PLEASE

1. Cut your hair.

2. Buy a killer pair of jeans.

3. Go read The New Yorker at a hotel bar and allow some lonely gentleman to buy you a martini.

4. Go home alone, feeling smug.

4a. Or not! Get on tinder and find yourself some strange!

Great, now I want a bob. (Alexis, are you reading? Should we give me #3?)

Photo: Claudia Knoepfel and Stefan Indlekofer

I'm 90% sure I need to leave my husband

Hey ESB,

I've seen you facilitate some killer support and advice for real life shit in the past, so here I am writing to you. I'm 90% sure I need to leave my husband, and I could really use a cheer squad/push.

I won't bore you with the details, but we do have a young child. My husband is my best friend, and I want him in our lives forever, but we don't feel like a couple anymore. We've had some horrible times, and have been in counselling for months, and have made good progress. But, I'm exhausted, and I feel like half a person around him, and I just want to get out. It's hard to, because lots if what we have together is great. There's a lot of love, and I know how much harder my life would be as a single mum, how long I might have to put my ambitions on hold. In light if this, it feels like I'm being selfish or immature to want to leave.

But, last night I found myself confessing to an almost perfect stranger that I wanted to leave my husband, and I don't think I deserve to be unhappy enough to do that. It wasn't a drunken confession either, by the way. Neither of us had a single drop.

Can somebody just tell me that I'll make the right choice and find the right words, and that it will all work out ok in the end? Please?

- Desperate Housewife

*****

You deserve to feel like a whole person. And: Your kid needs a mom who feels like a whole person.

Tell your husband what you just told us.


Inversion Series by Anton Bundenko

What if some people don't "just know"?

Hi, ESB. 

I'm writing with a quandary that's been rolling around in my head for a while. I'm in a great relationship. He is supportive, funny, kind, handsome and all of that. We have a relationship well founded in trust and support- no questions there. We've been together for five years and have shared a home for most of that time.

Of course conversations eventually turn into questions about marriage. It isn't a huge "must do" for either of us. I would at some point like to have a celebration of love and families coming together but nothing even close to the whole cupcake-bride-with-a-big-expensive-string-of-events.

A week ago we had a really good but hard and honest conversation. We both admitted that we see so much compatibility but lament a sometimes meh sex life and aren't entirely sure if we are each other’s "the one.” We both expressed our frustration about not knowing and anxiety about whether we are the kind of people that ever might "just know.” A lot of people say they had that feeling before getting married. And I'm sure for some people it is true, but isn't there also a leap of faith a bit? If we were to break up would we just be throwing the baby out with the bath water? I've never been one to believe that marriage is the final destination or an easy time. Inevitably there are things you compromise on. I have a partnership that is mutually dependent and supportive. I love him, I'm attracted to him and I love sharing my life with him.... but what gives about knowing about "the one"? 

I'd love it if people shared how they know/don't know/knew/thought they knew/never knew they found a partner for life.

Thank you!

*****

Fuck "the one."

Is sex important to you? Is a meh sex life a dealbreaker? For either of you??

Because if it ain't working now, marriage won't fix it.



p.s. I posted a similar dilemma here. And Dan Savage has a lot to say on this subject -- listen to his podcast, I beg of you!!!

Image: Ernesto Artillo

Real Talk (semi-wedding related. but real.)

Firstly, I want you to know that no matter what you write or post about; weddings, style, life, snarky pointed mocking retorts, I (and a whole slew of other fantastic powerful ladies) will continue to read with gusto. [Editor's Note: YOU GUYS ARE GONNA MAKE ME CRY]

Secondly, I am having a major life crisis that neither therapy or friends can advise me with complete raw honestly, and although I haven't written a "Dear ESB" about it, I have read other letters with somewhat similar root situations and comments with valuable information which have helped me along my way. These letters from desperate women are possibly their last stop before making a major life-altering change, and there's something about the community you've built here which fosters that. I would like to think I would never let myself get to that place, however, at this juncture I am at my breaking point. 

I’m engaged to, in an ideal world my ideal mate, the guy who if you told me I'd be with forever when I was younger I would have shit myself.. but he's not who I thought I was getting. The person I thought he was when we met is not the person I am with now, and possibly I am not who he thought I was too. 

We had a quick moving-in and a quick engagement, but we've now been engaged for about a year, and due to extenuating circumstances I haven't started planning the wedding. Friends all around are getting married and dating and in love with their partners, and I am just meh for myriad reasons. Everything is just.. almost right in theory, but just not quite right. The idea of us together is better than what we actually are.

I have been in several significant relationships, he has been in few. I am a bit younger, he is approaching 40 and very ... well very much an "old habits die hard, you won't teach me any new tricks, I'm a peter-pan kind of stubborn person" man-child. 

We are both in creative professions and work odd hours which leaves little time and regularity for dates, regular plans, etc. We both maintained that we had never been in love before being together. We were friends for years before becoming romantically involved. We were both heavy drinkers when we met years ago, he has since cleaned up completely (no alcohol/smoking/drugs) and I still imbibe occasionally, but his sobriety has been a crutch which allows him to willingly avoid social and community engagement with myself and friends (not going out on New Year’s, leaving weddings early, avoiding dinner parties). 

We currently live in Chicago, where he has no friends or community, and I have old history. He has made no effort to meet people, find his own community, etc. citing that we are only here temporarily so why should he bother. 

When we started having some problems we went to therapy together (both he and I have been seeing therapists separately prior), but after a few months, our therapist doubled his rates, and although I thought we were making progress, we kind of haven't put in the effort to find a new one. 

And here's the big thing that I an't get over: A few months ago a stone fell out of my engagement ring. It's a family ring, fairly old, so not totally unexpected. As it's kind of an awkward every day ring anyway, we had talked about getting me something smaller for every day wear..  He took it in for repairs, and I forgot about it. 

One night a few days later (three days before our anniversary of our first date), I was planning to meet some newly-married friends for dinner at the restaurant where I work (my partner had never been to this restaurant in the 12+ months I had been working there despite my asking).. I asked if he would join us. He said no. He then walked into the other room, came out with a box in his hand, and said "if you're going out, you might as well wear this." All casual like.... 

It was a gorgeous ring, similar in style to mine but smaller, more appropriate for every day. It was exactly what I wanted. I asked "where did you find this!?" he said "I had my eye on it for weeks and finally got it at the place I took the other ring for repairs!" 

We tried it on but it was too small (which I thought was strange because he knows my ring size and if he had been planning on it for weeks then why not get it resized, right?) so I asked if I could wear it around my neck tonight so I could have it on, and then we would take it to get sized tomorrow.. 

His response was... well basically he was astounded that I was still planning to meet the friends, thinking instead that I would just stay home with him. I was astounded that he wouldn't want to go celebrate with friends who were just married. The argument escalated, and it came out that he had just found the ring by accident the day before (which is why he hadn't sized it properly yet) and that he was planning on giving it to me for our anniversary days later, I was baffled why he would give it to me in such a casual way, feeling almost like he just didn't feel like I was giving him enough attention by wanting to go out that night so he gave me the ring early to keep me home. Selfishly. 

I never went out with the friends that night. 

I wore the ring until mine was repaired and then I took it off, put it back in the box, and explained to him that every time I looked at it I just thought about the bizarre and strange way he gave it to me, and that it would be really great if he could find a more loving way to give it to me so that the energy attached to it was more.. LOVING. 

I don't need anything special.. It could have been wrapped up in a Christmas present. It could just be a quiet moment in our home. It could be on a walk or in bed for all I care, just not "... you might as well wear this.." I know we were already engaged but it just seems so lazy. 

For all the other problems we have I think stem from laziness. Or at least a lack of effort on his part to build a life with me that is engaging, inspiring, and full. I don't need to be perfect like one of those couples who have engagement portraits done or blog about the bread they just made, but I live a passionate life and I feel like I've lost some of that passion since we have been together. My friends have noticed it, my family has. The ring is symptomatic of a larger problem, and it just happened to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. 

I believe on some level that I love this man, I love the potential he has within him that I truly believe he is unwilling to tap into because of his depression, anxiety, sobriety, or laziness. We all have problems and I suffer from some of the same ills. I am not martyring myself, nor am I blaming him for everything. I'm just wondering how much of this is me being crazypants and how much of this is something I am unwilling to be OK with for the rest of my life. I don't feel like I am the best version of myself when I am around him. 

Maybe that's my answer. 

Anyway, I don't know if you will even publish this and/or if you even are still going in this direction on the blog or whatever blah blah blah.. I just.. I don't know. I think I just wanted to write this all down to see if it made more sense in black and white. 

It doesn't, BTW. 

so yeah. sorrryyyyyyy

*****

The ring part, whatever. You can’t throw it back at him and demand that he give it to you LOVINGLY. That’ll never work.

The guy part? Drop him right this very sec.


Collage / GIF by Ernesto Artillo

The Engagement Is Off

Hi ESB,

I wish I was writing to you with questions about how to handle a horrible FMIL or a dress dilemma. Unfortunately, after a 6 year relationship and then a year of being engaged, my fiancé called off our wedding.

Backstory: We had started dating when we were 17 years old during our senior year of high school. We made it through 4 years of long distance (we went to different colleges, states apart) during which one of those years I spent studying abroad in Europe. Throughout our relationship, we grew up together as we both grew into adults and I continued to fall in love with him, and I truly believe he continued to fall in love with me. Even after all is said and done, I don’t doubt what we had was real. I returned home after college and we could finally begin living our lives together. About two years later, he proposed.

We didn’t have major cracks in our relationship. We had broken up twice during college, but I sincerely chalk those up to being young and trying to juggle a serious relationship, all the while figuring out who you are. I knew what our issues were but I always believed our strengths outweighed our weaknesses. But of course, there is a reason we ended up where we are. Sadly, it turns out he was not the person I thought he was. When life got even remotely difficult, he chose to run away instead of deal with things. When I first started dating him in high school, his brother once came up to me and said “you know he lies, right?” Since I was a little thrown off by the bluntness, I laughed it off. It took me seven years to realize it was not a laughing matter.

So my question is—how do you pick up the pieces once it falls apart? How do you start to untangle where your relationship ends and you begin? After seven years I feel as if my identity is so intertwined with his. I figured your no nonsense attitude might help a bit.

Best,
The almost-bride

*****

I brought in an expert on this one. An anonymous reader/writer who has been through the same wringer.

Welcome to the tribe, dear heart. You will know us by the trail of super-depressing Tumblrs. 

May I say first that I think you have done the most difficult work of all: the parsing of the good from the bad in your relationship, the keeping of the sacred. Three years out of my epic breakup and I'm still struggling with that. But bitterness is easy. You have a wild, open, generous heart. This is an immense gift. 

As for advice, shucks. I don't know. One of the worst things people said to me was, "Well, at least you weren't married!" This made me want to punch faces. Loss is loss. Sure, we all know there's a hierarchy, but it doesn't help to be reminded of it. You had made the decision to be with him. That's enough. 

On the other side of the coin, one of the best bits of advice was this: He is not as capable of being in the world as you are. (My therapist told me that. You should get one, if you haven't already.) Coping with life, all of life, all of its glorious messiness, is a serious skill. You have that. He doesn't. Your world will be richer because of it.

You will be told, and often, that you can now do all the amazing, single-life things you have always wanted to do—chop off all your hair! move to New York! get a tattoo! get a cat!—and you should do all these things (I did), or whatever else your disastrously bloody heart tells you to do, but the difficult thing to reconcile is that there is likely no part of you in your new life that could not have existed in the old. Some relationships are stifling and restrictive, yes, but it doesn't sound like yours was. The truth is that you were not set free; you were abandoned. No amount of dancing alone across the moonlit beaches of Thailand will make that any less true. What you can do is embrace the things that make you YOU and dig deeper into them—not because you couldn't before, but because you need to put something in that space. All the wine tasting classes in the world won't fill it completely. Likely nothing will. Accept that this is a permanent wound. You didn't get the wedding ring. You got an empty apartment and some white-hot pain. There is nothing you could have done or can do to change that. So you put one foot in front of the other. "No feeling is final," Rilke said. And all the weird, brave things you love or think you might love or hope to someday love, the yoga classes and knitting socials and, eventually, dating apps and shy flirting on subway platforms, are at the very least moving you away from an old feeling, and into a new. 

Last, finally, always, the most important: Hold your friends close. Now closer still. Squeeze them until you think your body might melt into theirs. Aren't they the best? They really, truly are. 

I'm so sorry. 

(Enormous hugs to you both)

Karlina Caune by Victor Demarchelier for Antidote Magazine via wool&misc

I'd rather eat glass

Dear ESB

Clearly I adore you, since I have never tiptoed near marriage and yet read your blog like an obsessive preteen. You are my guru, and as such, I'm hoping you can guru me out of this. 

To sum up: I spent 8 years with a guy who, 3 years ago now, decided to go suddenly sociopathic. He stopped coming home at night, stopped taking my calls, and put a pin in things, finally, by sleeping with his best friend's girlfriend. We haven't spoken since I fled the city where we lived. 

It was ugly. And despite the time that has passed, I'm still trying to figure how it's possible to know someone and then not know them in such a violent way. I'm getting better, but I'm still single, and it doesn't feel nice to think about. 

Here's the rub: Since we were together for so long, I became very close with his family and especially his younger sister. As the ex ceased speaking to both me and her during his meltdown, she and I became even more enmeshed. I love her deeply, and in some ways I took over the role of older sibling. And now she's getting married. 

I knew this was coming, and had sort of prepared myself for the thought of looking super hot and taking some banging date and going to the wedding and celebrating her and the love she's found and letting it all wash over me, but when I got the Save the Date, I could feel my heart in my mouth and wanted to puke it out. Suddenly, the reality of being at a wedding with his whole family and seeing him - with the best friend's girlfriend, who is now HIS girlfriend - felt pretty much like a worse alternative to eating shards of glass. 

And so - what to do? I hate the idea of not being there. I hate that I could make the day dramatic. I hate myself for still letting him have this control. I hate that he is taking one more thing away from me. I hate the thought of disappointing her. But when I imagine myself in that space, I want to crawl under the earth. 

Guru? 

*****

It's okay not to go.



Iggy Azalea by Harper Smith for Paper Mag (October 2013) via Fashion Gone Rogue via kelly edmonson

A not-quite-wedding question

Hi, ESB,

I'm a fan of your blog, but I'm not planning on getting married anytime soon. At least, I thought I didn't want to.

In the past few months, I've gone to boring-ass wedding showers and a couple of weddings that seemed overly elaborate and definitely expensive. It's kind of turned me off to the idea of weddings and all of the hoopla that comes along with it.

My parents were very happily married for 30+ years (until my dad passed away a few years ago), and they set a great example for what I'd want if I ever did get married. And I used to want to. As I've gotten older, though, with shows like "Say Yes to the Dress," I've felt more wishy-washy about it -- after the wedding and the party and all of the thank-you cards have been sent, you're... still together. Maybe a new last name, definitely a lot of paperwork. People say it's different when you're actually married, but I'm just not understanding.

On top of that, my boyfriend doesn't think he wants to get married. (And I think he is my "person.") He quotes the "50% of marriages end in divorce" thing. And his parents are still married, but only because they're pretty religious and don't believe in divorce -- you can tell they just coexist and tolerate each other. He doesn't understand why your "partnership" has to be recognized by the government. I get that, but I also sort of get that it's more than that. I just can't explain to him what makes it so great, because I can't explain it myself.

I know there's a middle ground between foofy weddings and nothing at all, and I know if I did it I'd want to wear a reasonably affordable yet awesome wedding dress and just have a huge party with all of our friends and family that we actually like. Can you (or any of your readers) tell me what's so great about it, and help me form an actual opinion?

Thanks so much,
Wedding Waffler

*****

If you don't see the point and he doesn't think he wants to --> DON'T GET MARRIED

Yeesh.



File this under non-problems. (Just below "The cat barfed on my dress.")

Tavi by Christophe Kutner for Metal Magazine #26

If he's not ready, why did he PROPOSE?

Hi,

I've been reading your blog since I planned my friend's wedding two years ago, now I'm finally engaged.

My boyfriend proposed last month while on vacation. I want to start planning the wedding. He said doesn't want to have a wedding because it is outrageous to spend so much money on one day. I want to set a date (even if it's 2 yrs from now) but he says we have to save. What are we saving for if we just go to City Hall? 

He says I'm rushing. After crying about it, I told him I want to have a wedding, he says okay but still is annoyed anytime I bring it up and says to give him time. If he's not ready, then why did he propose? I'm confused and sad.

Backstory:
My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 yrs. Yes it's a long time but we got together a month before I turned 18 so a good 6 of those years don't count. We don't live together. I was adamant about this since I was young and wanted to learn how to be alone. Did not want to live with someone until we were at least engaged. No kids. We are the longest relationship we know but most of his friends have kids, all of my friends are married with kids. I did not pressure him into wanting to get married (he will agree with this.) We will not get much financial help from family as we both make way more than our parents.

I was completely fine with our long-term relationship but I do not want a long-term engagement. We've discussed this. I am currently I'm in limbo until he says he is ready. I feel like a fraud wearing this ring. Every day someone ask me about a wedding and have to lie that we are taking our time to save but I really don't know why we are taking our time. We took the "next step" but nothing has changed.

*****

Ladyfriend, you've been with this guy for TEN YEARS and you don't have the guts to ask "Why did you propose if you're not ready to get married?"

I suspect he wants to live with you. (Or: Sleep with you. Are you sleeping together??) His next step is maybe not the same as your next step. But you'll never know until you ask.


Camille Vivier for AnOther Magazine via Bird Production

Seeking: a red dress that will blow his mind

Okay, so! I have been a faithful daily reader of your blog ever since my sister got married a couple of years ago. I had perfected my role of older, unattached cool sister. I was interested in researching as much as I could about how to be a Maid of Honor, even though the subject frankly was not at all interesting to me.

But something kept me coming back to this blog. And six weeks ago, out of complete nowhere, I met my match.

Everything is beautiful, everything is perfect, except for the fact that he lives in DC and I live in Des Moines. We have planned a trip to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks. The theory being that it would be wise to continue to get to know each other on neutral turf.

My issue is simple: I need to buy a dress that will blow his mind when I step off of the airplane. It needs to be red, and it needs to be relatively form-fitting in the ass area, and it also needs to not be so tight in the armpit area that it shows pit stains, which will certainly emerge due to my excitement and the climate.

I promise that when all is said and done I will show the wedding money shots that I am of supreme confidence will follow. I just need some direction, some shopping help. I am prepared to work it like I have never worked it before. I just could use a little input.

*****

SLOW DOWN, LADYPANTS

There is no need to work it so hard.

Have lots and lots and lots of sex (Vegas is good for that) but don't even think about marrying the guy until you've tried living in the same city first.





Okay, rant over. Who feels like shopping??

Marion Cotillard by Ellen von Unwerth for Tatler (June 2010) via Fashion Gone Rogue

I found his secret sex toy stash

Dear ESB,


My fiance and I have been together about five years, engaged for five months. We just bought a house together about a month ago and plan to get married next year. Earlier in our relationship, it became apparent that his sex drive is much stronger than mine. I do enjoy sex and have had the best sex of my life with this man, I just don't initiate as much as he'd like. I always get into it once we get going, but it's rarely ever my idea.

We've talked about this a few times, though it's hard for me to discuss without getting emotional because I end up feeling like a failure as a woman and a sexual being. I think it stems from some old insecurities of mine. He really can't stand it when I get very emotional, so sometimes he avoids topics he knows will set me off. At one point I thought we weren't compatible enough in terms of sex drive and he'd never propose and we'd eventually break up. But he did, and he also stopped commenting on my lack of initiation.

So recently we've settled into a routine of doing it first thing most mornings, aka not my body's favorite time to be intimate to begin with. I roll with it as enthusiastically as possible. He always seems to enjoy it and is very complimentary, especially when I give him a blow job (often).

Anyway, I was packing for a trip recently and found his secret sex toy/lube stash under a couch. Specifically, it was a butt plug. I'm not that weirded out, because I know even straight men like stimulation there, but I'm hurt that he was keeping a secret in our house, and I'm back at the feeling of failure because I'm obviously not fulfilling all his needs and he doesn't feel like he can share this with me. I have been really busy lately with work and other stuff, but we do it about four or five times a week. I know he masturbates and watches porn sometimes when he's alone, which doesn't bother me, but for some reason this strikes me as a more serious need. Am I overreacting? I am not sure how long he's had this, but it would have been harder to hide it in our apartment, which was smaller.

Should I confront him about it? Ignore it and keep with the status quo, which meets my own needs? Put my finger there next time we're doing it and see how it goes? (I think I would be open to more experimentation along these lines...) All other aspects of our relationship are awesome.

xoxo

*****

I'd open with "Hey, I found your butt plug!" 

No, really. I bet he wanted you to find it.

Play with the butt plug or don't play with the butt plug. The butt plug is not the problem. The problem is "the status quo," as you put it, which sorta meets your needs but also sorta has you doling out blow jobs every morning when you'd really rather be asleep.

You love this man so much you're willing to go above and beyond in the sack (4 or 5 times a week is a LOT for most couples, trust) and he loves you so much he's willing to squelch his desire for you to initiate, but resentment will build up eventually. On both sides.

What are these "old insecurities" of yours? Have you tried talking to a therapist?

Maybe this is something you can work through, or maybe (surprise!) you two are just not sexually compatible.

But please don't commit to Mr. Libido -- for life -- while you're "feeling like a failure as a woman." Please. A ring will not make everything all better.

Amours Boudin II by Fabian Souche

Please Help Me.

Dear ESB,

I never really thought I would ever be writing to you, but at this moment I feel so damn confused and don’t want my friends and family to weigh in because I’m embarrassed.

My husband and I have been together for about 6 years, married for 2. We met through work and quickly became BFFs... about 6 months into our friendship we started dating. He inspired me and made me feel amazing and I know I did the same for him.  

We, however, had very different sexual pasts. I wouldn’t say that I was ever promiscuous, I just had a much more varied sex life (toys, positions, frequency, oral etc.) and he had a much more vanilla sex life. In the beginning of our relationship we had a very healthy sex life, nothing really rocked my world, but the intimacy we shared was enough to make sex awesome nonetheless.

When we decided to move across country something changed. At this point it’s probably pertinent to mention that he is in incredible shape (like he is one of the most attractive men I’ve ever seen). I, on the other hand, have always been told I was beautiful, but began to put on some weight. I went from a size 6/8 to about 10/12 (about 15 lbs)... Now at this point our sex life screeches to a halt and I notice and start mentally freaking out. We just moved across country, this is my best friend what the FUCK is going on???   

Things started kind of slow - he would ask me if I had exercised at all when he got home from work, or he would start commenting on what I was eating. At first, I obliged him by answering because I thought he was merely curious... It became evident that curiosity wasn’t his motivation. Sensing he was having issues with the way that I looked - I brought it up and asked if the reason we weren’t being physical with one another was because I had gained weight... At first he denied it, but after several conversations over the next couple weeks he fessed up.

I tried to understand where he was coming from - he is in incredible shape, it makes sense that he would want his GF to take care of the way she looks. But then I started to get really fucking angry because I was feeling rejected and shitty. When we weren’t discussing sex, our relationship was/is great. We had fun, laughed, cuddled - but we weren’t being intimate. I can’t even count the number of times he and I had talked about it, but nothing really changed, things really just kept getting worse.

The constant criticism of what I put in my mouth or what I cooked or where we went for dinner continued, the sex was obsolete, and our friendship started to suffer. We blamed it on the move and the stress of our new careers, but the truth was I could handle all of that. What I couldn’t handle was feeling rejected and judged by the person I thought loved me for who I was. There is so much back story for why this was so hurtful to me and how paralyzed I felt, but seriously no one wants to read about my daddy issues...

Fast forward - he proposed, despite us having this very serious issue. I said yes, because I felt like everything else about him was amazing and perfect. We have been married two years.

We didn’t have sex on our wedding night. Or the next day. We have had sex less than 10 times in two years. We have fought like crazy (about this issue and ONLY this issue), and now I don’t know what to do.  

To be fair, I have gained a total of about 30 lbs at this point, have made no effort to diet and have no patience and snap at him for asking/talking/mentioning anything about my weight and/or food choices. And am generally more edgy, critical and angry.

Last week we had, what I thought to be, a constructive argument that ended in us both understanding how we played a role in what happened. I, however, have changed. And although I warned him several years ago that if he continued down this road - I was going to resent him and that I didn’t know if I would be able to forgive him - here we are. And now I am depressed and sad - I smoke pot daily to destress. I hate looking in the mirror. I binge eat. And some days I just want to die.

I love him. And despite most of your readers probably wanting me to shoot him in the face - he is a good man. He still makes me laugh, cuddles me, rubs my back and I can tell him almost anything - and in the last couple weeks he has really made an effort to stop being critical. But there is still no intimacy and now I don’t know how or if I should get it back.

He has stated that for all those years he viewed my resistance to getting into great shape as a slap in the face, because he demonstrates how important it is to him and stays in shape and that it felt like I wasn’t taking his needs and desires into consideration. I feel like it’s really important that I mention that because I do see the validity in that statement...

But another part of me wants to shake myself. At this point I can’t even think straight - I go from completely agreeing with him to wanting to slap myself for being so weak. It’s been so many years of promises broken in this regard, but the times when this isn’t being focused on things are OK, not amazing, but OK.

The shitty part is - I would really like to be in good shape again. I miss feeling beautiful and not because some guy was telling me I was.  

I wish I could live in the first years of our relationship again, because I miss him and I miss the comfort and safety I felt.  

Please help me. I am mortified - I don’t know what to do. Is my baggage making me hyper sensitive? Is it wrong that I still so desperately want him to want me? Why is this so taboo feeling?

Thanks for “listening” + sorry for the long email.  I didn't read it back, but I can't be crying at work right now.

*****

GET IN SHAPE.

Not for him, for you.

Swear off pot for a year, get in shape and get yourself to therapy. Talk through those "daddy issues" you didn't want to get into here. There's something else going on with you.

On the one hand, this guy is a dick for not wanting to sleep with you just because you've gained weight…. On the other hand, there is nothing less attractive than someone who is angry + depressed + binge-eating.

There's something else going on with you and you need to work it out. Once you're in a healthier place, you can decide if Mr. Incredible Shape is someone you actually want to be married to.

Sasha Pivovarova in Commes des Garçons by Peter Lindbergh for Numéro #67 (October 2005) via Catbird + fuckyeahcommedesgarcons

sometimes I want it from someone else.

Hey ESB,

I'm writing to you super anonymously because this whole topic makes me nervous. Well, more embarrassed than nervous.

I want to get other people's advice on fidelity.

I've been married for 2 years, and love my husband. He is freakishly smart, extremely compassionate, and is a seriously handsome devil. But sometimes I have dreams about other men. Not hot sex dreams (I wish), but dreams where another man "likes" me, we make eyes at each other, he's crazy about me but we don't touch, or he writes me love letters that drive me crazy, like cheesy Nicholas Sparks shit (I've never read any of his books, but admit I watched The Notebook). I wake up the next morning and wish my husband made me feel that same way that these anonymous men do in my dreams. Sometimes he does. God, this is embarrassing to even write out.

Back in reality, I occasionally have crushes. Most women do. But for the first time in years (my husband and I dated for 11 years before getting married), a crush reciprocated and asked me to hang out, standing a little too close for comfort. I stammered some nonsense about not being able to, but didn't say I was married. It was hard to spit those words out. I can't say I wasn't tempted to pretend I was not married. It feels so good to be wanted.

My husband is into me, loves me, tells me I'm sexy, grabs me out of the blue, but sometimes I want it from someone else.

How do other people deal with these feelings? Do you shove them way down inside and hope they go away? Do they think of other men when having sex with their husbands? Do they have affairs just to see what another man feels like? Can people flirt harmlessly?

I know I need to tell my crush I'm not available, but it's hard closing that door. The most selfish parts of me want to keep up the ruse for the attention, the affirmation, the thrill. Like I said, embarrassing.

Thoughts from the pack of snarky women out there? I appreciate all of your input and experience.

*****

I'm pretty sure I can safely say that 30-90% of married women have similar feelings at some time or another. Not just the crush part. The "sometimes I want it from someone else" part. Doesn't EVERYONE have those feelings at some point? Human beings weren't built to be monogamous.

That said, I don't recommend that you run out and have an affair. If you want to go down the monogamish road you need to discuss it with your husband and get his permission. You'll have to decide if the wanting-it-from-someone-else is, as Dan Savage would say, a "deal breaker" for you.*

The alternative is to flirt. And, yes, there's such a thing as harmless flirting. *Hot* harmless flirting, even, which can fuel your fantasy life and liven up the sex you're having with your husband. (Feel free to think of other men during that sex! Or to imagine your husband is a different, cheesy, Nicholas Sparks-y man.)

Again, just don't deceive or mislead anyone. You really do have to tell that guy you're married.

And now.... I'm eager to hear from the peanut gallery. I've enabled anonymous comments today, for obvious reasons.

Arnaud Lajeunie via Kroutchev Planet Photo via PCKSHT

______________________________

*Do you listen to Dan Savage? Everyone should listen to Dan Savage.

Dear ESB: How do I make this stop??

Met the couple a week ago. They are both great, really. 

But. I sit down and the woman sits next to me at every chance. Then, at a new place I think I pick a tactically advantageous seat to avoid encounters, but she sits next to me again. She hooks her leg around mine, I try to get free, but can't without making it extremely obvious to her fiancé across the table, so I hold still and sweat. 

She continues to invite me to events (her place tonight with the others and distant excursions) and I just try to ignore the whole thing to keep the peace. 

How do I make this stop while not blowing up all the friendships involved?

*****

This woman is clearly trying to get caught.

All you can do is STAY THE FUCK AWAY.


Fragments de Mémoires by Alfredo Figueroa, Alexandrine Gingras Slater, Benjamin Lafaille and Samuel Rivoir via Fucking Young!

Did your mother boycott your wedding? (UPDATE!)

There was a wedding! And it was nice! Everyone attended and there wasn't a single bit of drama (at least not during the wedding)!... *sigh* IDK, I'm glad it's finally done. So much stress has been lifted and I never want to play armchair psychologist to anyone ever again. I took a lot of what was said in the comments of the original post and it essentially scared/inspired me to inject some tough love into this whole thing.

So! The guy in this wedding has changed quite a bit over course of the last year and a half. Most of us still think he's incredibly weird but after a brief breakup my friend has gotten her mind together to make sure he knows she's not going to let him take advantage of her. It took some getting to know him, which I was extremely not thrilled about, but I learned that he was not as bad as I first thought him to be (whatever, he turned my friend into a robot). Don't get me wrong, I still think he's controlling and manipulative (he whined and turned into an angry, dictating child to get his way about some things and I understood why my friend is so passive sometimes!) but I can't do more than I've already done to make things better because I know if I pushed my friend like her mom did all that time prior to the wedding, she would have shut everyone out again, had a secret wedding, probably get pregnant, and be posting baby's 1st photos right now with no one knowing wtf happened.

It took loads of getting things into perspective for everyone. It was remembering what Anon 3:15, Rhubarb, and Madison said that really kept me focused. Thanks for posting the original email because it helped me then and it helps me now. Relationships have been repaired, lives are on a better track, and it was a regular, American wedding in which the florist nearly ruins the day instead of the family.

Signed,
A Stress Free Me


*****

It's so unlike me to brag.... But I have, like, REALLY GREAT READERS.

Photo by Ilva Heitmann by Markus Pritzi for Sleek Magazine via Fashion Gone Rogue

umm, did I miss the memo

Hey ESB

Soo, let me preface with the - I love your blog and never thought I'd be writing to you, but here am I.

My man and I have been together for 2.5 years and have begun (he has begun, not me) the discussions of marriage etc. In between trying to keep me from leaving the room, while he makes these noises, I have managed to establish the following :

 - he wants to get married sooner, rather than later
 - he'd like a couple of kids
 - he is not religious, but wants me to convert to his religion
 - I am not religious, but I don't want to convert for many varied reasons, I don't want kids, I am open to marriage

I have sinking feeling I know the answer to my issue. I possibly just want to hear from someone completely and utterly independent, because its going to suck big time doing this to someone I love, but if our ideas of the future are so different there doesn't seem to be a point in prolonging the agony.

Also, I'm Australian, white as a ghost, with very liberal parents and he is a Pakistani Muslim, with the world's most traditional family background. Although he is the black sheep of the fam, he is the oldest and I have watched him, since his father's death last year, slowly returning to traditional ways and values. We did have a super big argument a couple of months ago about the future, which ending with him saying "but my fucking family expect us to get married, you have to convert and do this."

Any thoughts, or should I keep hitting myself in the head while I try and keep studying for my law degree and working full time.

*****

Rip off the band-aid. (And soon.)

You and I both know this ain't gonna work.


Sojourner Morrell by Arnaud Pyvka for Marie Claire Italia March 2013 via Visual Optimism

another dress request

Dear East Side Bride, 

My best friend is coming to visit me in New York (from Glasgow) and I'm convinced he is the love of my life. 

In the last two years that I've known him, he's been my very best friend; he fell in love with me while living with his live in girlfriend and soon his feelings were reciprocated. After a messy night, he broke up with his girlfriend and he and I realized that this feeling we shared, regardless of how young we were, was something uncommon that was meant to be seized. 

I have since left England (after completing my BA at the school we both went to in London) and he has been kicking ass at his job in Glasgow. He is coming to visit in three week and I want to propose. Despite a history of disenchantment and cynicism, I know he is the man that I not only want to spend my life with, but is the only person I can see myself having children and growing old with. 

That being said, I think we will be having a city hall wedding in NYC (my hometown where I currently work) and I want a killer dress. I've never been much for ceremony but I want to look good at the casual event that will be our wedding date. I'm tall and a size 4 and love structural, unusual pieces and have about $800 to spend. Asking for help from you and your diligent readers in finding the perfect dress. You always seem spot on. 

Love, 
Unexpected young bride

*****

GRAB SOME WOOD THERE BUB

Right now you should be concentrating on having lots and lots of sex with this guy. Maybe dipping your toe into *living together.*

Marriage isn't going anywhere. Marriage will still be there in a year or two (or FOUR) if you still feel the same way.

Michelle Williams by Willy Vanderperre for AnOther Magazine Spring/Summer 2013 via Visual Optimism

Help! I changed my mind!

Dear ESB,

I'm a longtime reader and lurker.

How do I tell my partner of six years that I've changed my mind about marriage? I've been very against it, but now feel "ready." He wanted to get married (eventually) early in our relationship. However, I am certain that all my talk against it has not only convinced him it's something I'd never want, but also convinced him it's not something he wants either!

Something subtle but important has changed after our many years together. This "traditional" choice has crept up on me, and is now something I value and want to share together. I think it makes sense to make it "official" legally, and I'd even like to have a tiny wedding--or elope.  

What's the best way to approach him about my change of heart? I want to be fair and honest, but I am terrified of judgment and rejection after so many years of loud refusal on my part.

And, if we do, how do I tell everyone else? I feel a barrage of "I told you so"s coming.

Help!

Sincerely,
Formerly smug mindchanger

*****

Here's what you say to him: "Will you marry me?"

Here's what you say to everyone else: "We're getting married." (I hate to disappoint you, but no one will actually be that shocked.)

Photo by Imaginale via Caitlin

Marriage is no walk in the park (the follow up)

Dear ESB,

you may or may not remember me from my looooooooong e-mails full of problems. :)

Like this one and the more dramatic...

Now I will keep it short and just say: thank you! 

When my marriage ended (because it did end) and I was too ashamed to talk about it to anyone in real life, you and your readers gave me the push I needed to take action. Or not to take action. I let go... Because you can not be married to a person that doesn't want to be married. All my thoughts about marriage were about "making things work even when it's really really hard" and "being there no matter what." So I felt like a complete failure in marriage. But slowly but surely I don't anymore. Because marriage does not mean hanging on to my husband when he was so unhappy and desperate to get out. So... I let him go before things got out of hand. 

Now I can think of our wedding day as one of the most beautiful days of my life. We tried, but it didn't work out. And that's really sad and really hard. But also real life.

Thank you again for your spot on advice. 

X

*****

xoxoXXXXX


Image from "Skeletons in the Closet" by Klaus Pichler via kidchamp. If you're into taxidermy (and who is not into taxidermy??) you can see more over here.

No Brooklyn/Wisconsin Wedding After All...

Hi ESB-

I wrote to you a while back and you gave me excellent, excellent recommendations for my Wisconsin wedding party in Brooklyn. Perhaps you remember. Unfortunately, he walked out on me a month ago for a younger woman, which was three weeks before the wedding. Not to air our dirty laundry or anything, but I would like to let everyone know how courteous both Love & Brain videography and reBar were in returning deposits and wishing me well.

In the ultimate of ultimate revenge/karma/serendipity, the day that word got out about the cancellation, I was offered a job teaching for a study abroad program on a cruise ship next summer. My summer will be spent cruising the Med, and spending 4-day free-for-all trips in Morocco, Turkey, Greece, Italy, France, Malta, etc. etc. You get the picture.

So, I am looking to you for two things from you and your readers (and I hope that no one minds that these are strictly ANTI-wedding needs):

First, and most importantly, swimsuits. I have recently become a size 2 (for the first time ever down from an 8!!), so I would like to wear my first bikini, and I need to be absolutely vicious! The options that I like so far are: Shakuhachi [pictured above] and Plhi, and I would like for it to be under $100 (grad student income).

Second, I'd like to pool some ideas from your travelling readers about inexpensive MUSTS in my port cities (listed here). I also plan to spend a week in England before the trip begins.

Any and all advice is greatly appreciated.

*****

I know you aren't writing in for a pep talk or anything but FUCK THAT GUY AND YOU ARE BETTER OFF. I know you know that.

On to more important things. That Shakuhachi bikini has been sold out ever since Amy Merrick wore it in Tulum........... But I actually dig the etsy one. And I appreciate that Size I is rated to fit a 4-6. (Because, from one woman who has gone through the post-breakup-awesome-weight-loss thing to another, you may go up to a 4 pretty quick. Which is NOT a bad thing.)

So much love to you, lady. Keep on kicking ass.