Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I love him but am I setting myself up for disaster...?


Dear ESB,

Help. I need some real advice. Not the sugarcoated crap I'm getting from my friends. But real, legit, honest feedback.

I live in a small town in north Florida just moments from Alabama. While we have beautiful beaches there really is not much else going on. I have never wanted to settle here and I have always dreamed of living somewhere else, especially when I have kids. I certainly do not want to raise them here. I have dreams of moving closer to my two sisters who are my best friends.

My fiancé and I have been together for seven years and he refuses to move. While I understand his qualms I just wish he would be open minded. He does not want to move far away from his family but seriously…where I want to move is only a four hour drive! And he is totally freaked about the type of jobs available somewhere else. FYI he currently is uneducated and working for my father with no future career possibilities in our current town. I would like to move in four to six years from now. That’s plenty of time to figure things out, right? I love him but am I setting myself up for disaster six years down the road if neither of us is willing to budge?

Every time I try to bring up the idea of moving we get nowhere in the conversation. He is rational, calm, and extremely level headed when we talk about stressful things, such as the possibility of moving. I’m starting to worry that we will be fine until six years down the road when I’m ready to move away. I would never want to push him into moving and I would never want to just give in and settle here and then end up resenting each other for it later. I am just unsure of how to handle myself. I can’t imagine life without him and I can’t imagine settling and raising a family in this Flora-bama town.

Stuck in Pensacola.


*****

Dear Stuck,

You've pretty much answered your own question.

You say "I would never want to push him into moving and I would never want to just give in and settle here..." (Which, good. You should never give in.) So are you setting yourself up for disaster? YES.

Break up with the poor guy now. Why stay with him for another six years when you know you want different things out of life?

xoxo,
ESB

Image: Beyoncé from Why Don't You Love Me” (2010) via W Magazine via Charles Hall

29 comments:

  1. give him an ultimatum?

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  2. I think you are ignoring the advice of your friends because you already know what you need to do: Leave. Seven years is enough time to get to know somebody, and if he has known about your desire to live elsewhere and hasn't bothered to prepare himself (education/work-wise) to do that, he has given you your answer.

    ESB is right. You know you need to go.

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  3. The hardest breakups (IMO) are the ones where life just takes you different ways -- would be much easier if he was some kind of jerk you could just hate. But life goals are no less important and I think ESB is right-- it's pretty important you go through this now and spare yourself the midlife crisis years down the road.

    That said, a breakup is a great catalyst to get your butt out of pensacola. Rip off the bandaid, know that you will see him again (anytime you come home if you want) and move. Get one of your sisters to set you up with someone ridiculously handsome and distracting and fun.

    Good luck!

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  4. First time poster, long time lurker...

    Might I just add, it's always so hard to leave somebody when there doesn't seem to be dramatic, explosive problems, but having separate ambitions is a deal breaker. I've had to do this several times, and I can assure you, you will KNOW that you've made the right choice almost immediately after you choose to go your own way.

    Be brave!

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  5. What Vivian said. He's not a bad guy, you're not a bad guy... you just want different things.

    To paraphrase Dan Savage, it's not a failed relationship, so much as a nice relationship that that has come to its natural conclusion.

    It will be easier to break with him now than later (when more time has been invested, etc).

    Break up with him.

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  6. I wouldn't be so quick to dump him, but I would be quick to have a this-is-it-either-something-changes-or-I'm-out talk with him. Depending on the type of conversations you've had with him in the past, I'd suggest boiling it down to the fact that you need to move and that if he's not willing to budge, you will have to leave alone. If you've already presented the ultimatum-esque situation, I'd say you need to do what is best for you regardless of how you feel about him. Ultimately, if you ignore your own needs for his, chances are you'll end up resenting him and that doesn't equal a good relationship, obviously.

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  7. You have been with him and wanted to move for 7 years. He doesn't want to move, has stayed put, and you have....STAYED TOO. Why should he bother with moving, you obviously aren't in a hurry to move and I'd say there is a good chance he doesn't believe you ever will.
    So, tell (and actually start the process) him you're moving and if you want him to tag along tell him he is welcome, but you aren't going to support his ass. He'll either come with you or he won't. If he doesn't do you really want to be marrying some guy that doesn't want to live where you are?
    He thinks you'll never move, and you think "someday" he will. One of you has to take action and from the sound of it, you will be the only one capable of doing that.

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  8. i broke up with my high school boyfriend because i knew we didn't want the same things in life even if he couldn't see it. it was hard and ha wanted to know what "he had done." the truth was nothing. but six months later i started dating my husband and i'm so much happier, we want the exact same things and we work together to make them happen.

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  9. oh, girlie! i didn't have to read past, "My fiancé and I have been together for seven years and he refuses to move", to know that this is a recipe for disaster. don't sacrifice what you want out of life; you will grow to resent/hate him for it. the right person will want the same too, or at least be able to compromise with you.

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  10. I agree with ESB, but what I really came here to say is that I need to own whatever it is B is wearing in that photo.

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  11. staying put is a recipe for resentment and regret. you already know what you want to do, you are just too scared to do it. if i were in your shoes, i would save my pennies and sublet a place close to my sisters for a month or two. this would serve 2 purposes: 1) it would show your fiance that you are serious about this, and give him the chance to come with you (but on a schedule that suits him and his needs (job, etc)) 2) it would also help you figure out if moving is actually the answer (sometimes we mistake general unhappiness with our life choices for wanderlust ... like, "if i only lived in New York/LA/Paris i wouldn't have these problems" which of course is crazy). just a thought. good luck.

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  12. I had (sort of) a similar problem: my honey of almost ten years now does not want to get married, considers us already married, etc etc etc. I had done screaming, cajoling, teasing, pressuring, not pressuring...and one day we were talking about it AGAIN and I just said calmly, "Look, I want to get married and you don't want to get married. We're at an impasse. And it's okay, but someday I am going to get tired of it and it's not going to work anymore." We are getting married. I wish I had better advice than to just echo everyone above that you need to live your life for you, but listen to them. But I wanted to tell you what I said that seemed to work to get him to understand that I wouldn't put up with his nervousness forever.

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  13. Wanting the same things out of life, in my opinion, is one of the most important ingredients in a marriage. I don't really see how it could be a successful marriage without this element...it's like baking a cake but forgetting the baking soda; it's still technically a cake, but it doesn't rise, and turns out looking like a pile of crap.

    You can't/shouldn't force someone to be something or do something that they're dead-set against. And it sounds like either way you go with this, one of you will end up resenting the other one. I would highly recommend taking a break and going in your own directions for a while. If it turns out that you can't live without one another, then the way to resolve the issue will present itself, and it will be a choice that you come to together and therefore won't be ridden with resentment.

    Good luck! I know first hand that this ain't easy! But it's not worth settling. Live the life you imagined! Don't wake up 10 years from now and realize you're unhappy and it's too late to change it.

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  14. I agree with Rob.

    The thing is, unless the job you describe him currently having is his dream job, there doesn't seem to be anything necessarily tying him to this place. I'm sure he understands that where you want to be is only 4 hours away from where his family is, but if he doesn't, say so. And start visiting your sisters more, together, so that this place you want to move to isn't unfamiliar to him.

    Then, once you can, move. With or without him.

    Beyond location issues, the way you describe his current education/occupation level doesn't make it sound like you necessarily have the same life-goals. These are both things that can become larger issues down the road. They don't always, but from my perspective on the other side of the US, it already sounds like location isn't the only thing you're starting to be bothered by.

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  15. Down the road you'll be in your late thirties or forties. The romance isn't always going to be there unless you do your best to keep the fires alive. However, since you'll be so sad about never leaving this town, the idea of romancing your husband will be laughable, at best. You will be so resentful and so sad and you will be one of those people you feel sorry for in movies -- the ones that let their dreams die. DON'T DO IT. If he is this way now, imagine how he'll be when the bloom is off the rose....

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  16. Staying with him in that town is a recipe, as others have said, for stewing resentment down the road. It would not do either of you any favours. He needs you to make it totally clear how serious your need to leave is. And if it has been spelled out, and he still refuses, then... there's nothing you can do to fix this. As others have said, it's heartbreaking when break-ups happen for these reasons, where no one is an asshole, but if there is no way forward for you to both lead fulfilled, constructive lives together in the same direction, then it's not the right relationship for you.

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  17. Yeah, this sounds like a no compromise situation. Everyone's deal breakers are different, so you might as well find out up front. Tell him that staying where you are is a deal breaker for you, ask him if moving is a deal breaker for him. If it is, you guys are done, as sweet as it's been so far. There isn't any way to rationalize a deal breaker, so no matter how calm and collected and adult you both are, it's over, as sad as that may be.

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  18. Move on...without him. I was in a similar situation - dated a guy for seven years and had plans to move after graduate school, with him of course. He was always vague when I'd bring up 'the move,' although he did say that he would when the time came. I was pursuing a career, and he was what I'd call a 'floater' in life. He didn't have a decisive direction that he was moving towards. Guess what? When it came time to make the move, he just couldn't do it. So I moved without him. I was heartbroken at first, but now I'm loving life and am so glad that I made the move and so glad that I'm not still with that guy. I loved him at the time, but now with hindsight I can see how different we were, and even more so, how different the things were that we wanted in life. I shudder to think that there's another me in an alternative world that stayed and married the guy. Because I know that me would be miserable - unsatisfied and stifled.

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  19. move on, darling. as hard as it may be. don't box yourself in.

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  20. Ditto all above-- I really like anon @ 12:19 -- imagine the alternative Flora-bama-you in the 6-7 years you discussed. If you'd rather be that person than the you-closer-to-your-sisters-living-life-in-a-town-with-more-going-on-than-beautiful-beaches, then stay. Or, if you find yourself hating everyone's advice here, stay. But if any part of you has any dread about becoming that Flora-bama-you -- make the move. Or transition, as someone described above, and then make the move. I firmly stand by the belief that who you marry should make you feel 110% and ultimately makes you a better person, or strive to be that better person -- Maybe people think differently, but it doesn't sound like your guys does this for you, or will do this for you. Good luck, whatever you decide.

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  21. Two weeks ago I ended a four year relationship with a guy I really really loved because we want different things out of the next two years (I want to travel, he wants to skip to security & a Real Home). It's been the best decision I made since choosing to date him. On this side of a break where all the explanations were a variation of "sometimes love isn't enough; sometimes you want different things out of life," everything is great. No longer do the decisions I make affect anyone but me! I can travel wherever and he won't be miserable, either in a long-distance or as a reluctant travel companion. I can get what I want out of life and he's doing much better, too, getting just what HE wants.
    Do it, dear. Perhaps he'll show up at your four-hours-away door in six months; perhaps you'll already have another gentleman who loves your new home, too, and perhaps you'll just be so content being a single lady you'll say "so long" anyway. But if you don't make this move now, you're going to regret missing out on the opportunity of that life you want.
    Wishing you strength & good vibes!

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  22. It sounds like he needs a wake up call so sounds like you need to just be honest and blunt with him. If that doesn't work, well it's time to get out if moving out of this town is really important to you.
    Seven years is a long time so it's not going to be easy to walk away from this relationship (obviously) but as everyone says, I think you know that the issue will just be delayed for 6 years and it will only be harder to walk away.
    Good luck!

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  23. There are some things missing from the post, no? Like if you guys have fun together, if you get each other and can NORMALLY compromise and make things work on other topics. My fiance gets scared of job hunting and moving and things like that too...but there's a strength in being able to carefully and gently show them that there's nothing to be afraid of and that it's possible...I don't know, I don't know the whole story. It sounds kind of like you're harboring mixed feelings about him not having a career as well...so maybe some talks need to happen on a couple of fronts before then.

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  24. I agree with a lot of the comments above - I was in a similar situation with a long-term boyfriend a number of years ago now. He decided he wanted to move to a different state (four hour flight away) to do further study, he wanted me to move with him, but I didn't want to sacrifice my job, friends, family and everything I loved about where I lived to move somewhere I didn't want to be. We broke up when he left and then less than two months later was in a much better and healthier relationship. So much happier now.

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  25. Flip a coin. Not because it gives you the answer, but in that short second while it's in the air, you 'll know the side you're hoping it will come down on. :-) x

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  26. I'm from Pensacola, hun. I moved out of there for the same reasons you described. It's beautiful, but there just isn't any real-money career potential down there unless you're involved with they Navy base. Sad, but true.

    If you're wanting something more out of life than a retail or tourist -related job...P'cola just isn't the place. I haven't lived there in over 10 years now, but still visit family. And after Dennis/Ivan...I've watched it go further downhill. It's only just coming back & that's only slight.

    Like so many others above have said, if you & your fiance are that different in your future goals...it will lead to resentment.

    If you want something different now that you can't get in P'cola, how much harder do you think it will be to pursue those goals in another 7 years? And if there are kids involved down the road, it will only make it that much harder...

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  27. You probably won't decide to leave until YOU have convinced yourself, but I'll weigh in -- it's better to go for your life goals. Maybe he'll see you being happy and successful elsewhere and want to join you. If not, it's his loss, you'll be off being happy.

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  28. kids don't want to live in Pensacola.

    side note: my sympathies all over, because I moved with a guy from Orlando to South Florida, and I still think I'm not over it. it's only a 3 hour drive, but gawd, I miss everyone & everything up there.

    that said, I have found a career & friends and a life down here, as well as my husband-to-be. we visit O-town often, and are getting married there, so he's good with compromises. I'd love to move back, to really live many other places than South Florida, and although I don't know that my fiance would ever bring up moving, he's never taken it off the table, either.

    if location trumps the love, then I think you already know what you have to do.

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