tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post1451307275521754871..comments2023-11-04T00:52:56.076-07:00Comments on east side bride: I love him but am I setting myself up for disaster...?esbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00215882729011442570noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-54452925302040671672011-07-11T22:10:56.385-07:002011-07-11T22:10:56.385-07:00kids don't want to live in Pensacola.
side ...kids don't want to live in Pensacola. <br /><br />side note: my sympathies all over, because I moved with a guy from Orlando to South Florida, and I still think I'm not over it. it's only a 3 hour drive, but gawd, I miss everyone & everything up there.<br /><br />that said, I have found a career & friends and a life down here, as well as my husband-to-be. we visit O-town often, and are getting married there, so he's good with compromises. I'd love to move back, to really live many other places than South Florida, and although I don't know that my fiance would ever bring up moving, he's never taken it off the table, either. <br /><br />if location trumps the love, then I think you already know what you have to do.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-53842185622270039192011-07-06T16:39:28.573-07:002011-07-06T16:39:28.573-07:00You probably won't decide to leave until YOU h...You probably won't decide to leave until YOU have convinced yourself, but I'll weigh in -- it's better to go for your life goals. Maybe he'll see you being happy and successful elsewhere and want to join you. If not, it's his loss, you'll be off being happy.Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12327712541492010519noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-72283552480646051692011-07-06T09:23:44.833-07:002011-07-06T09:23:44.833-07:00I'm from Pensacola, hun. I moved out of there ...I'm from Pensacola, hun. I moved out of there for the same reasons you described. It's beautiful, but there just isn't any real-money career potential down there unless you're involved with they Navy base. Sad, but true. <br /><br />If you're wanting something more out of life than a retail or tourist -related job...P'cola just isn't the place. I haven't lived there in over 10 years now, but still visit family. And after Dennis/Ivan...I've watched it go further downhill. It's only just coming back & that's only slight. <br /><br />Like so many others above have said, if you & your fiance are that different in your future goals...it will lead to resentment. <br /><br />If you want something different now that you can't get in P'cola, how much harder do you think it will be to pursue those goals in another 7 years? And if there are kids involved down the road, it will only make it that much harder...Kathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06813635122214177297noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-1213449424798109932011-07-06T03:02:53.875-07:002011-07-06T03:02:53.875-07:00Flip a coin. Not because it gives you the answer, ...Flip a coin. Not because it gives you the answer, but in that short second while it's in the air, you 'll know the side you're hoping it will come down on. :-) xThe 'Bridestock' Weddinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16824671866097558420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-27594863703648477782011-07-05T18:31:25.900-07:002011-07-05T18:31:25.900-07:00I agree with a lot of the comments above - I was i...I agree with a lot of the comments above - I was in a similar situation with a long-term boyfriend a number of years ago now. He decided he wanted to move to a different state (four hour flight away) to do further study, he wanted me to move with him, but I didn't want to sacrifice my job, friends, family and everything I loved about where I lived to move somewhere I didn't want to be. We broke up when he left and then less than two months later was in a much better and healthier relationship. So much happier now.Alinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-25850541767877678722011-07-05T16:46:50.353-07:002011-07-05T16:46:50.353-07:00There are some things missing from the post, no? L...There are some things missing from the post, no? Like if you guys have fun together, if you get each other and can NORMALLY compromise and make things work on other topics. My fiance gets scared of job hunting and moving and things like that too...but there's a strength in being able to carefully and gently show them that there's nothing to be afraid of and that it's possible...I don't know, I don't know the whole story. It sounds kind of like you're harboring mixed feelings about him not having a career as well...so maybe some talks need to happen on a couple of fronts before then.lizziehttp://loveyourway.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-7103453687400875572011-07-05T16:25:51.478-07:002011-07-05T16:25:51.478-07:00It sounds like he needs a wake up call so sounds l...It sounds like he needs a wake up call so sounds like you need to just be honest and blunt with him. If that doesn't work, well it's time to get out if moving out of this town is really important to you.<br />Seven years is a long time so it's not going to be easy to walk away from this relationship (obviously) but as everyone says, I think you know that the issue will just be delayed for 6 years and it will only be harder to walk away.<br />Good luck!SJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11638931178712128465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-16859301887871114732011-07-05T15:08:12.532-07:002011-07-05T15:08:12.532-07:00Two weeks ago I ended a four year relationship wit...Two weeks ago I ended a four year relationship with a guy I really really loved because we want different things out of the next two years (I want to travel, he wants to skip to security & a Real Home). It's been the best decision I made since choosing to date him. On this side of a break where all the explanations were a variation of "sometimes love isn't enough; sometimes you want different things out of life," everything is great. No longer do the decisions I make affect anyone but me! I can travel wherever and he won't be miserable, either in a long-distance or as a reluctant travel companion. I can get what I want out of life and he's doing much better, too, getting just what HE wants.<br />Do it, dear. Perhaps he'll show up at your four-hours-away door in six months; perhaps you'll already have another gentleman who loves your new home, too, and perhaps you'll just be so content being a single lady you'll say "so long" anyway. But if you don't make this move now, you're going to regret missing out on the opportunity of that life you want.<br />Wishing you strength & good vibes!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-71465112278740738662011-07-05T14:49:01.813-07:002011-07-05T14:49:01.813-07:00Ditto all above-- I really like anon @ 12:19 -- im...Ditto all above-- I really like anon @ 12:19 -- imagine the alternative Flora-bama-you in the 6-7 years you discussed. If you'd rather be that person than the you-closer-to-your-sisters-living-life-in-a-town-with-more-going-on-than-beautiful-beaches, then stay. Or, if you find yourself hating everyone's advice here, stay. But if any part of you has any dread about becoming that Flora-bama-you -- make the move. Or transition, as someone described above, and then make the move. I firmly stand by the belief that who you marry should make you feel 110% and ultimately makes you a better person, or strive to be that better person -- Maybe people think differently, but it doesn't sound like your guys does this for you, or will do this for you. Good luck, whatever you decide.Carahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06244090954291868660noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-73663352960101282712011-07-05T13:21:37.981-07:002011-07-05T13:21:37.981-07:00show him this postshow him this postHollyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14167156568343112162noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-17963756740989855842011-07-05T12:56:09.938-07:002011-07-05T12:56:09.938-07:00move on, darling. as hard as it may be. don't ...move on, darling. as hard as it may be. don't box yourself in.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-90955067891268860162011-07-05T12:19:45.746-07:002011-07-05T12:19:45.746-07:00Move on...without him. I was in a similar situati...Move on...without him. I was in a similar situation - dated a guy for seven years and had plans to move after graduate school, with him of course. He was always vague when I'd bring up 'the move,' although he did say that he would when the time came. I was pursuing a career, and he was what I'd call a 'floater' in life. He didn't have a decisive direction that he was moving towards. Guess what? When it came time to make the move, he just couldn't do it. So I moved without him. I was heartbroken at first, but now I'm loving life and am so glad that I made the move and so glad that I'm not still with that guy. I loved him at the time, but now with hindsight I can see how different we were, and even more so, how different the things were that we wanted in life. I shudder to think that there's another me in an alternative world that stayed and married the guy. Because I know that me would be miserable - unsatisfied and stifled.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-37735217178735115552011-07-05T11:54:38.714-07:002011-07-05T11:54:38.714-07:00Yeah, this sounds like a no compromise situation. ...Yeah, this sounds like a no compromise situation. Everyone's deal breakers are different, so you might as well find out up front. Tell him that staying where you are is a deal breaker for you, ask him if moving is a deal breaker for him. If it is, you guys are done, as sweet as it's been so far. There isn't any way to rationalize a deal breaker, so no matter how calm and collected and adult you both are, it's over, as sad as that may be.Rachelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10211797571405802312noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-24003447843357792762011-07-05T11:26:30.637-07:002011-07-05T11:26:30.637-07:00Staying with him in that town is a recipe, as othe...Staying with him in that town is a recipe, as others have said, for stewing resentment down the road. It would not do either of you any favours. He needs you to make it totally clear how serious your need to leave is. And if it has been spelled out, and he still refuses, then... there's nothing you can do to fix this. As others have said, it's heartbreaking when break-ups happen for these reasons, where no one is an asshole, but if there is no way forward for you to both lead fulfilled, constructive lives together in the same direction, then it's not the right relationship for you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-90408391210540891852011-07-05T11:09:25.846-07:002011-07-05T11:09:25.846-07:00Down the road you'll be in your late thirties ...Down the road you'll be in your late thirties or forties. The romance isn't always going to be there unless you do your best to keep the fires alive. However, since you'll be so sad about never leaving this town, the idea of romancing your husband will be laughable, at best. You will be so resentful and so sad and you will be one of those people you feel sorry for in movies -- the ones that let their dreams die. DON'T DO IT. If he is this way now, imagine how he'll be when the bloom is off the rose....Colleenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10555677225543413982noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-11379725415268534122011-07-05T10:58:34.579-07:002011-07-05T10:58:34.579-07:00I agree with Rob.
The thing is, unless the job y...I agree with Rob. <br /><br />The thing is, unless the job you describe him currently having is his dream job, there doesn't seem to be anything necessarily tying him to this place. I'm sure he understands that where you want to be is only 4 hours away from where his family is, but if he doesn't, say so. And start visiting your sisters more, together, so that this place you want to move to isn't unfamiliar to him.<br /><br />Then, once you can, move. With or without him. <br /><br />Beyond location issues, the way you describe his current education/occupation level doesn't make it sound like you necessarily have the same life-goals. These are both things that can become larger issues down the road. They don't always, but from my perspective on the other side of the US, it already sounds like location isn't the only thing you're starting to be bothered by.Anahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05872777527351120288noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-41594206162891202692011-07-05T10:49:13.310-07:002011-07-05T10:49:13.310-07:00Wanting the same things out of life, in my opinion...Wanting the same things out of life, in my opinion, is one of the most important ingredients in a marriage. I don't really see how it could be a successful marriage without this element...it's like baking a cake but forgetting the baking soda; it's still technically a cake, but it doesn't rise, and turns out looking like a pile of crap.<br /><br />You can't/shouldn't force someone to be something or do something that they're dead-set against. And it sounds like either way you go with this, one of you will end up resenting the other one. I would highly recommend taking a break and going in your own directions for a while. If it turns out that you can't live without one another, then the way to resolve the issue will present itself, and it will be a choice that you come to together and therefore won't be ridden with resentment. <br /><br />Good luck! I know first hand that this ain't easy! But it's not worth settling. Live the life you imagined! Don't wake up 10 years from now and realize you're unhappy and it's too late to change it.Toniahttp://www.ittybittyimpact.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-80943210415243872062011-07-05T10:29:13.855-07:002011-07-05T10:29:13.855-07:00I had (sort of) a similar problem: my honey of alm...I had (sort of) a similar problem: my honey of almost ten years now does not want to get married, considers us already married, etc etc etc. I had done screaming, cajoling, teasing, pressuring, not pressuring...and one day we were talking about it AGAIN and I just said calmly, "Look, I want to get married and you don't want to get married. We're at an impasse. And it's okay, but someday I am going to get tired of it and it's not going to work anymore." We are getting married. I wish I had better advice than to just echo everyone above that you need to live your life for you, but listen to them. But I wanted to tell you what I said that seemed to work to get him to understand that I wouldn't put up with his nervousness forever.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-54859993618351988572011-07-05T10:20:01.430-07:002011-07-05T10:20:01.430-07:00staying put is a recipe for resentment and regret....staying put is a recipe for resentment and regret. you already know what you want to do, you are just too scared to do it. if i were in your shoes, i would save my pennies and sublet a place close to my sisters for a month or two. this would serve 2 purposes: 1) it would show your fiance that you are serious about this, and give him the chance to come with you (but on a schedule that suits him and his needs (job, etc)) 2) it would also help you figure out if moving is actually the answer (sometimes we mistake general unhappiness with our life choices for wanderlust ... like, "if i only lived in New York/LA/Paris i wouldn't have these problems" which of course is crazy). just a thought. good luck.17 beats.https://www.blogger.com/profile/13010462456433196213noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-50753126370520216372011-07-05T09:54:30.115-07:002011-07-05T09:54:30.115-07:00I agree with ESB, but what I really came here to s...I agree with ESB, but what I really came here to say is that I need to own whatever it is B is wearing in that photo.Kerryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09431830624497683795noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-18075463875811698932011-07-05T09:40:19.877-07:002011-07-05T09:40:19.877-07:00oh, girlie! i didn't have to read past, "...oh, girlie! i didn't have to read past, "My fiancé and I have been together for seven years and he refuses to move", to know that this is a recipe for disaster. don't sacrifice what you want out of life; you will grow to resent/hate him for it. the right person will want the same too, or at least be able to compromise with you.Celiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05922091596290930281noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-85401145374615667382011-07-05T09:26:29.339-07:002011-07-05T09:26:29.339-07:00i broke up with my high school boyfriend because i...i broke up with my high school boyfriend because i knew we didn't want the same things in life even if he couldn't see it. it was hard and ha wanted to know what "he had done." the truth was nothing. but six months later i started dating my husband and i'm so much happier, we want the exact same things and we work together to make them happen.Mrs.Peacockhttp://queenswood.tumblr.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-21401456483490258162011-07-05T09:23:22.443-07:002011-07-05T09:23:22.443-07:00You have been with him and wanted to move for 7 ye...You have been with him and wanted to move for 7 years. He doesn't want to move, has stayed put, and you have....STAYED TOO. Why should he bother with moving, you obviously aren't in a hurry to move and I'd say there is a good chance he doesn't believe you ever will.<br />So, tell (and actually start the process) him you're moving and if you want him to tag along tell him he is welcome, but you aren't going to support his ass. He'll either come with you or he won't. If he doesn't do you really want to be marrying some guy that doesn't want to live where you are?<br />He thinks you'll never move, and you think "someday" he will. One of you has to take action and from the sound of it, you will be the only one capable of doing that.Robhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06761422201906206218noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-9228644689633769832011-07-05T09:04:51.563-07:002011-07-05T09:04:51.563-07:00I wouldn't be so quick to dump him, but I woul...I wouldn't be so quick to dump him, but I would be quick to have a this-is-it-either-something-changes-or-I'm-out talk with him. Depending on the type of conversations you've had with him in the past, I'd suggest boiling it down to the fact that you need to move and that if he's not willing to budge, you will have to leave alone. If you've already presented the ultimatum-esque situation, I'd say you need to do what is best for you regardless of how you feel about him. Ultimately, if you ignore your own needs for his, chances are you'll end up resenting him and that doesn't equal a good relationship, obviously.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6468279200135971946.post-4860211913960585472011-07-05T08:42:09.602-07:002011-07-05T08:42:09.602-07:00What Vivian said. He's not a bad guy, you'...What Vivian said. He's not a bad guy, you're not a bad guy... you just want different things. <br /><br />To paraphrase Dan Savage, it's not a failed relationship, so much as a nice relationship that that has come to its natural conclusion.<br /><br />It will be easier to break with him now than later (when more time has been invested, etc).<br /><br />Break up with him.Samhttp://nightlarke.livejournal.comnoreply@blogger.com