Thursday, June 30, 2011

My unhelpful fiancé refuses to hire a wedding planner


Dear ESB,

I am in the middle of a crisis. I am a full-time student who works full-time and I am attempting to plan an intricate themed wedding, because my fiancé insists on having a faerie forest wedding. Strange? I know. I am fully behind it, if it is done well, and the only way I am going to be able to pull this off well is if I have some help. My fiancé has no real creativity or organization. All of my bridesmaids are out of town. I would like to hire a wedding planner, for partial planning services to give me a hand to make this event NOT A DISASTER.

Problem? My unhelpful fiancé refuses to have a planner because some random web reviews on planners gave him the impression that ALL planners are useless.

How do I get him to seriously consider this?


*****

Is this a trick question?

Tell your fiancé that if he wants a FAERIE FUCKING FOREST WEDDING he'd better hire someone to plan it for him.

Iris Egbers by Daniel Sannwald for The Sunday Times Style via John Paul Thurlow + Trendland 

51 comments:

  1. I thought the same thing, she must be joking.

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  2. Don't have a faerie forest wedding. Don't be those people. Just fucking don't.

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  3. But yeah, this kinda sounds fake.

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  4. This is my favorite forest wedding of all time:
    http://www.verhext.com/ever-after

    It CAN be done without a planner. But you DO need help. So, your bridesmaids aren't around... what about other friends and family members? Your future mother-in-law? (Mine was a godsend.) You will need to divide and conquer. Plus, I found: People like helping out! Donating their talents as a wedding gift to you. Our friends played music, baked the cakes, took photos; it was a group effort. Good luck! xo.

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  5. Am I the only one more concerned with the relationship issue here, and not the "faerie forest wedding" theme?

    eek.

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  6. @chesapeake seconded, heartily. "my fiancé has no real creativity or organization," and he's "unhelpful" - yikes.

    there's a superfantastic nick paumgarten piece in this week's new yorker on online dating; it touches on a million interesting sub-subjects, and one of the ones i found most intriguing was on an eharmony-commissioned study that looks at the ways in which couples interact when they tease one another, and the significance of the epithets they choose. methinks the researchers would not have high hopes for faerie forest's future.

    unrelated: a different set of researchers in the article found that the question most likely to predict whether or not someone will have sex on the first date is, "do you like the taste of beer?"

    science,
    LMO

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  7. This is my favorite wedding of all time: http://blog.shelleypaulson.com/?p=2728 (ceremony) and http://blog.shelleypaulson.com/?p=2753 (reception). I am pretty sure they had a planner.

    It sounds like what you're taking on is WAY over both of your heads. Get a planner for sure, but interview the heck outa them and make sure the one you hire is totally down with your vision and has the right connections to make it happen...not every planner out there can pull off what you're going for. Some are much more traditional, so proceed with caution!

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  8. What city are you in? Maybe we can recommend a kick a** planner!

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  9. @lauren- thanks for the article! Fascinating stuff, really. My parents always had a rule that there was no name-calling in their relationship, and there was no trash-talking of each other to other people. Their marriage has had its share of difficulties, but I've always felt these were good rules of thumb. This is why I like watching House Hunters, my husband and I feel like we can get a good read on a relationship based upon how the couple interacts with each other during the highly stressful house-finding process. Voyeurism at its best.

    As far as this letter goes, this has NOTHING to do with determining whether wedding planners are unhelpful or not.

    My take, based solely (of course, because what else do I have to go off of?) on the info given in the letter: He either wants to heap stress on his fiancee for whatever reason (likely as a matter of control; **WARNING BELLS**), and/or he wants to delay this wedding but cannot come out and just say that. Because a man would rather eat glass than admit that he wants to delay/end a relationship (not saying he necessarily wants to end the relationship in this case).

    I'm not going to recommend a wedding planner. I'm going to recommend some premarital counseling. Best thing you could invest in, because if the communication between you is augmented by counseling, then the wedding planning will not be an issue. Because wedding planning is never the issue, really.

    Also, if he can spend all that time on the internet researching wedding planners, why can't he research PLANNING THE DAMN WEDDING? Answer: because this isn't about the wedding planner. Just wanted to hit that point home again.

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  10. You two need to work on the relationship problems before the wedding problems. If you can't plan a wedding together what makes you think can survive real problems when they present themselves in the future?

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  11. @chesapeake & @lauren have hit this one on the head. If this letter isn't fake (which it kinda sounds like it is), then it's sending a different kind of warning signal altogether.

    That aside, we've about what the writer has on her plate (which, is definitely too much to take on planning a wedding all by herself), but what does "unhelpful fiance" have going on? Is he also a student holding down a job? Is he working several different jobs to allow the writer to stay in school? Does he do nothing all day but research shitty wedding planners online and whine about his dream faerie forest wedding? Who knows.

    Regardless, if he has time to make an opinion, he has time to help. If he doesn't have time for either, then his opinion on whether or not to hire a wedding planner doesn't really matter.

    This letter paints a mighty unflattering picture of "unhelpful fiance." I'd put a hold on wedding planning altogether until the couple has a healthy image of one another.

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  12. baaahahaha. that alliteration makes for the best advice ever.

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  13. Faerie Forest Wedding? I'm shocked a guy would suggest this as a theme...

    Our wedding planner has been the best money we have spent on our wedding. She is helpful and does shit I don't care/know how to do. Seriously I gave her the colors and general feel of what we would like to do and she has tied everything together seamlessly.

    I'm going to give your fiance the benefit of the doubt and just assume that you were too frustrated to adequately describe your fiance's role in the wedding. (If this is not the case - seek relationship help, not a wedding planner)
    Sit him down and explain the many benefits a planner can bring to the table - you might find these out by just calling around and talking to several. And explain how he/she would help to relieve you of a ton of stress, so that you can focus on school/work/preparing for marriage....

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  14. am i the only one who thinks it is strange that this guy is insisting on a faerie forest wedding? i mean... what?

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  15. People who don't care to do something themselves don't get an opinion. People who have strong opinions can either do, or pay for someone else to do.

    Your fiance needs to choose, and you need to figure out if this is a pattern, because that shit will get OLD, fast.

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  16. yikes.

    I've been spelling it "fairy" my whole life

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  17. Things that are wrong here:

    1. Does faerie wedding planning really count as a crisis?

    2. Please define what a faerie wedding "done well" looks like vs. one that's not "done well"

    3. Your fiance is making decisions based on a few random web reviews?

    4. Unless you live your LIVES as faeries in the forest step the eff away from a faerie forest wedding. If you do lived a themed lifestyle, then by all means proceed. But frankly, if he wants a faerie forest wedding, then you should, by default, already have a shit ton of faerie stuff lying around your house and within your community to pull this off easily.

    @ESB Tell these people to stop lobbing softballs at you if they don't want you to hit it out of the park.

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  18. girl, if you do this time as told he will expect you to do it every fu**ing time. so: no.

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  19. Laughed until I cried. Thank you.

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  20. These comments are the best. Off to read LMOs article recommendation.

    Relationship issues aside, if you feel like you need a wedding planner, you probably do.

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  21. Thing is.... isn't coming up with the concept pretty creative in itself? I don't really buy this whole "oh well he's got no taste" line. What I think is that you're a wee little bit of a control freak and you don't want to hand him any real element of control over the wedding's aesthetic details... why? He's so dumb he won't organise enough seats or an indoor contigency? He'll choose tacky or cheap looking stuff? Won't do things YOUR WAY? You know the whole "wedding" thing is more about commiting to a partnership than including artfully DIY'ed/vintaged/distressed details.... right?

    Anyway, what I think is he wants to do it, this whole "planners are shit" line is an excuse because you've taken over his concept and now he can sense his opinion will be completely railroaded if/when someone else is involved. So point him in the direction of some good sites (you know the drill, APW, alosangeleslove, 100layercake, ruffled, that other pretty one... what's it called?), check with him the practical bases are covered, then chill. Let the man give you a wedding, you don't *have* to organise it at all.

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  22. As funny as I think this is, I completely understand your dilemma. My fiance proposed right when I was trying to work on my dissertation proposal, prepare for two international conferences, pass a logic and language exam, and move 1000 miles to my home-town to be with him. Suddenly I was expected to plan a wedding from 1000 miles away with very little help. My FH was oblivious to how difficult it is to plan a wedding and why his timing was so poor. A very rocky start. I was furious at him and frustrated that we couldn't afford someone to plan our wedding.

    Although my fiance was unhelpful initially, over the past months he has become very proficient at working with all the details of the wedding and taking on his fair share. My fiance is also not the most creative person - that stuff was left up to me - but he has been great at figuring out logistics, how to get our marriage license, sound equipment, renting kegs, making a playlist, etc. A few months ago, I looked at my huge wedding to-do list, divided it in half and gave it to him. He's doing great.

    I think it helps if the other person has concrete tasks, e.g. do a price comparison for beer and find out how much we need and where to get it. My FH was NOT helpful when I wanted him to help me visualize the experience of our wedding, or more general things like that.

    And as for a faerie wedding - if it's important to both of you, go for it! We are incorporating Star Wars and philosophers into our reception theme tastefully - I write with a smile knowing that everyone is going to mock me for that - because he's a Star Wars nerd and I'm a philosophy nerd. Wedding planning has many boring and mundane details (linens, silverware, dinner mints, seating charts, etc.) so why not have some details that make it more entertaining? That is unless you have no interest in a faerie-themed wedding. Then you repeat ESB's advice word for word!

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  23. @nicole - thank you, but my wedding had a planner. I worked my bum off to get all that made, and my fiancee was doing 50% with me, as well as friends - there's no way that wedding would have happened if i was in school and working full time. It barely happened just with a full time job and a team of friends and family!

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  24. Though also it makes me die a little inside to get lumped into some renn faire thing or whatever. It's just a wedding at my house.

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  25. @tamerajane THANK YOU. (your wedding was in no way a faerie fucking wedding. i promise.)

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  26. Best comment thread. Or Baest coeamment threiad?

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  27. you lost me at "faerie" and "unhelpful". this is pure DRAMA. i'm sorry, but no, just NO to this whole wedding. i was going to school part-time, working full time and located hundreds of miles away from my wedding site last year and let me tell you...you NEED a planner. but first, it sounds like you need a real "faerie" that does premarital counseling.

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  28. You guys. Go easy. I'm a newlywed who planned my wedding while in graduate school and working. Let me tell you, it was not a walk in the park. At times it felt isolating, no one could do any of it for me. It would have been MUCH better to hire a planner.

    So I see this letter to ESB as a cry for help. Maybe this couple is still working out the kinks of communicating while planning their wedding. (doesn't everyone have that experience?) Maybe he is dismayed by all the DECISIONS and the MONEY and the stuff about weddings he doesn't really get. Maybe she is having a hard time admitting to him exactly how much work it all is, especially the school part. We shouldn't jump down their throats about getting premarital counseling just because they had a rough conversation about whether to hire a planner, which perhaps this message is a product of. She just needs some external validation.

    So even if all the readers can't get behind the aesthetic, at least we can pull together and say this: hiring a planner who gets you and your needs is a great idea. Your academic and professional performance are worth it.

    Also: have a good honest conversation with your fiancé about what he wants out of a wedding, the theme, how much you guys will spend, what he feels he can contribute, and what you see as the masterplan. Just getting both of you on the same page will feel really good. Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

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  29. @tamerajane - When someone says FOREST wedding, I think of your amazing wedding; I thought she might find it inspiring.

    My husband and I had a super-small outdoor wedding. We couldn't afford a planner, but our friends and family (especially my mother-in-law) really pulled through and made everything happen for us.

    Those were my points to the bride. I didn't mean to offend you in any way. xo.

    p.s. I don't really know what a "fairy" wedding is. So, there's that.

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  30. Ultimatum: Hire a planner or ditch the faerie forest wedding. (My opinion? Forest, yes. Faerie, NO OMG)

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  31. @ KT Bang on.

    We talked, we've come to the agreement that we ARE going to get a planner, we're interviewing a bunch this week. Because he was uncomfortable with the planner we had (I thought) decided on, his reaction was to say planners are useless.

    As the girl who sent this in I can seriously attest that it is all true, and the man seriously wants a faerie forest wedding. I have only myself to blame, becuase I thought it was a great idea for seriously awesome engagement photos, and now he wants the entire wedding that way. If it were his choice, it would be this: http://www.kissthegroom.com/2009/06/the-faery-wedding/ . Not what I want. Period. I've already had to find a way to talk him out of wearing wings for the whole occasion.

    Anyway, success, planner in hand I will work my way towards a faerie wedding that hits more on glam royalty (in the forest) than children's birthday party.

    (and for those of you who wondered faerie/ fairy, I'm speaking like dark mythical Brian Froud, not tinkerbell)

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  32. So I am the fiancé in question from this article and I guess the first comment I have to address is that this is not fake. It is however presented vastly out of context.

    First my fiancé’s full time student status is only 0.5 credits away from part time student, so its not as heavy of a load as it might appear. Second, as a few of you were graceful enough to offer me the benefit of the doubt, I am just as busy as she. I am a full time student (full course load) and work 20+ hours a week. The problem here is that she is a speed reader and I am not, so she often finds herself with much more free time on her hands then me.

    Second, we have a two year engagement (I asked her to wait until we graduate to hold our wedding) so that in theory would provide us with enough time to successfully plan an extravagant wedding without all the stress.

    Third, I am not the unhelpful fiancé that I have been painted to be. As several of you have pointed out, the "bridezilla" personality has emerged and the opinions and ideas that I offer are "not acceptable" or are just "silly". For any of you reading this that are currently married you may appreciate the insufficiency/weakness that your husbands felt during the planning stage. As a man, we have a limited colour pallet and we have little design sense. We are organizing, logistic, and doing creatures. Sometimes is the better for a mans ego and his relationship to just let her do it than risk large arguments. I need to state however that I have offered countless times to assist with planning and organizing of the wedding but told that I don’t know what she wants and how she wants it done, or that I have poor creativity so there is no point in me helping. I have assisted with countless other things such as rallying together friends and strangers to help us win our wedding photos (a $4000 value) as well as I am organizing the entire stag and doe by myself. So this unhelpful fiancé is simple not as unhelpful as originally presented.

    Finally my issue with the wedding planner is primarily the cost. As mentioned we are both students and since we are paying for the wedding ourselves the budget is very tight. Despite this I am giving in to the very pricey other items that she has requested such as expensive chair rentals and expensive photographers (this was before we won it) and a VERY pricey décor budget. Once again I had another very expensive item pushed in front of me and told we had to pay for it. I was offered no choice in planners and as pointed out I felt that this very expensive planner (who was offering very little for the price tag) was just going to de-rail our budget further and give my opinion even less value. I am not against the idea of a planner in general, but I was against the idea of THIS planner and A planner in general for the amount we have left to plan for the wedding (since about 60% of everything has already been taken care of/organized). I could not see the value in a planner when we needed one only for décor, especially for the prices being presented.

    Anyways, I just felt that my side of the story should also be presented so that people can pass accurate judgment over the situation

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  33. Ugh, so much whining! You guys should just sign up to be on an episode of Rich Bride, Poor Bride and be done with it.

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  34. Wow. Premarital counseling. Now. If you need to come to a BLOG to air your differences (and boy, are they different) and basically malign and contradict each other, you need to also air your differences to a professional. End of story.

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  35. oh, sadness. did my comment get deleted? was it too dirty? it's ok if it was.

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  36. Just got stressed out and I'm not even involved. Whew!

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  37. wow. i just read the fiancé's side and i'm in tears... and i'm not even the one who's engaged to him. :/

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  38. it just got so daytime-talk-show sleazy in here, i love it. i dub this drama "faerie springer."

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  39. @lauren - FAERIE SPRINGER! YES!

    you know, the groom went into a long "explanation"and he still didn't even explain his insistence on the faerie wedding.

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  40. The only redeeming feature of that "faerie" inspiration shoot is the goddamn actual owl. Cruel maybe, but badass.

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  41. this shall go down in history as the best comment thread ever.

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  42. on a positive note, the astral-travel honeymoon is free.

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  43. @celia - like braisinghell said, baest coeamment threiad evarr

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  44. "As a man, we have a limited colour pallet and we have little design sense. We are organizing, logistic, and doing creatures. Sometimes is the better for a mans ego and his relationship to just let her do it than risk large arguments."

    This makes you sound like an unbelievable jerk. Boys are from Mars blah blah blah blah blah sexist garbage.

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  45. HAHAHHAHAHA FAERIE SPRINGER!!

    Seriously, you two. The details are just details. Weddings are about JOINING YOUR LIVES TOGETHER BECAUSE YOU LOVE EACH OTHER SO GODDAMN MUCH. You could skip all this stress and bullshit (and save your relationship) if you start planning around that theme, instead of faeries.

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  46. @nikki @braisinghell shitballs. and here i thought i was being all *original*.

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  47. Dude,
    Bad form on trying to jump in. Just talk to the woman you LOVE and fix this.
    For future reference; when you see a firing squad don't volunteer to stand in front of the target, it is bad for your health, lead poisoning for sure.

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  48. "I've already had to find a way to talk him out of wearing wings for the whole occasion." Holy shit.

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  49. i want to see him get married in wings...
    i would kick my fiances ass if he posted a comment on a blog like the above instead if talking to me. seems like this is all out of hand, but hey if he wants to dress like a fairy and she doesnt. maybe they should have a think about it for a while before continuing plans.

    - louise

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