Tuesday, August 30, 2011

EAT, or go to my best friend's wedding?


My best friend is getting married and she appointed me and her sister as maids of honor. The wedding was supposed to take place next Summer, which gave her and everyone involved plenty of time to save and plan, etc... She and her fiance have now decided to basically elope and get married at city hall with just very close family and friends invited. They will have a photographer, and will be holding a reception dinner at a low key, trendy place. The reason they decided to go this route is to save money and take a large amount of stress off of their shoulders. I love my best friend dearly and I absolutely adore her fiance and they are such an amazing couple. I want her to be happy no matter how she decides to tie the knot. Here's my dilemma...

The newly proposed wedding is in 8 weeks. I live clear across the country and cannot afford the hefty price tag of the flight. I have to eat and support myself! I could save up for it seeing as I have 8 weeks, but the flight will only get more expensive. My best friend said that they could try to work half of my flight into the budget, but me being who I am, told her that that wouldn't be necessary. It's important for me to be there for her and I really want to experience that day with them, but it's going to be so painful to my bank account. And I can't help but think that this day has lost some of its emotion involved, I mean, what's the rush? If they changed their minds once they could do it again potentially. And I'm using my last two vacation days which would allow me to be home for 3 days.

When I think about what she means to me and how much fun I know I will have, I am positive about the whole thing, and I don't care if I starve for two weeks. But when I think about it realistically, the money, the time, the fact that she doesn't really need me there anymore, it makes my decision impossible! Everyone that I have asked says that I should just tell her the truth, that I can't really afford it, and that it's a lot of money and effort to come home for just a few days. But my heart is telling me that I should go, and be there for my best friend no matter what.

What should I do?!

*****

Dude, it's your BEST FRIEND?

That's what credit cards are for.

Photo by Todd Hido via Charles Hall + photokaboom

49 comments:

  1. be honest with her. if she offered to pay half then let her. She will want you there.

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  2. 2nd on the credit cards bit. I hate them. Really really hate them. But for me, being there for my friend would be worth the interest.

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  3. Agree you should take her up on her offer. Paying for half your plane ticket probably seems like a bargain compared to paying for a catered dinner for 200 guests anyway.

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  4. Why not take some money from your friend as a loan, and pay it back when you can--like by the original wedding date that you were planning on. Then charge the rest.

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  5. This actually happened between myself and one of my bridesmaids. She would have been sacrificing her money and her vacation time. I would have loved for her to be there, and I know she would have loved to be there. But at the end of the day it is *the brides* day...and if it is going to cause any type of distress (financially or otherwise) for a wedding party member, its really just best that they not come.

    Your wedding day (and the days surrounding it) are such a whirlwind of excitement and adrenaline---if she had dropped the dough on flying to Minnesota for my wedding I would have likely felt horrible when I looked back and realized how little quality time I actually could have spent with her during her stay.

    What meant more to me were the messages and emails I got from her leading up to and following my wedding. She was there with me every step of the way. <3 Best of luck.

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  6. I am getting married next month. Several not-extremely-close friends can't / aren't coming and I am very disappointed. If it were one of my best friends I would be devastated, and, frankly, a tad pissed off.

    I kinda can't believe you'd consider not going.

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  7. Not all of us have credit cards!

    If you have one, charge it. If you don't then you're either going to have to level with her or ask someone close for help (if you REALLY can't afford it).

    It sounds to me that you don't like the sacrifice you have to make last minute when you thought you had a year to save.

    I gotta say that I couldn't imagine not being at my best friend's wedding.

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  8. absolutely GO. you will regret it forever if you don't.

    and their seemingly rash decision to have a more intimate ceremony sooner does not AT ALL indicate ANY emotion was lost. in fact, i believe it's the exact opposite. it's such a brave decision to forgo the traditional route and go with your heart- and include ONLY your nearest and dearest, not your parent's coworkers and your second half uncle. if they want to get married right this second, awesome for them.

    you're the best friend, and in it for the long haul- borrow from family or put it on plastic!

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  9. I personally don't have a credit card and I plan on never having one (EVIL, EVIL LITTLE THINGS!!!) If this were me, I would call my best friend and explain that the trip would not have been a problem if I had had a year to save, but since the date has been bumped up I am now in the position of not being able to afford the airfare.

    Tell her you disregarded her previous offer to help pay for the trip because you really wanted to make it work without her help, but that unfortunately it's not panning out how you had hoped and you are wondering if the offer still stands.

    Pay her back for it, though! And don't bother with a wedding gift other than a card- your time and money getting there is plenty!

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  10. Yeah, You've got to be kidding. She's your best friend? It's inconvenient for you? Lame. Make it happen.

    -Colleen

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  11. I see both sides of the arguement. I recently went cross country to a friend's wedding in Washington...I spent a LOT of dough to do that and didn't really get to see her. I did have a blast seeing a bunch of old friends though. Since it's a smaller wedding I'd say don't go...save your money and vacation time. She will understand.

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  12. My best friend didn't come up to NYC when we got married, and I didn't mind. We sort of eloped, though. Regardless, she and I will celebrate (with our husbands) at some later date, and it will be wonderful. That's how we roll -- she lives far away, and I don't expect her to drop everything for me. I know that plane tickets and hotel fare are expensive ... it would upset me if she went further into debt for me. (She already has substantial credit card debt.

    You're in a tough position ... good luck with your decision. :-/

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  13. With esb. 100%. Life is short. These events are rare.

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  14. Lady love, I am ALWAYS broke. Always.

    Food shows up. Believe me. Buy the damned ticket and never look back. You'll never get these adventures back.

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  15. ESB is right. I know logistically it doesn't make sense to sacrifice so much for someone else, but what are your best friends for if not that?

    Like Hillary, I had some pretty important people missing from my big day, and I don't think I'll ever forget how hurt I was that they didn't make it work.

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  16. DO IT. I flew to Ireland for a week from Australia for my bestie's wedding and I'd do it again.

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  17. Have to agree with others here. Life is short, and you'll certainly regret it if you miss her big day. Not to mention that your best friend is bound to be really bummed too. Get your ticket, and then go on a serious spending freeze (and take up the offer from your friend if it's really necessary).

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  18. Go. You won't regret it.

    Also, to follow up on what Holli said: By no means does having a smaller wedding in a shorter amount of time mean emotion has been lost or that she doesn't need you. She and her fiancé made a tough decision to buck trends and do what feels right to them. Be there for her. My husband and I ditched our plans for a year and a half engagement and decided to get married in three months, instead. Our wedding was this summer, and I was so, so grateful that the important people showed up. Having a shorter engagement and smaller party meant we were able to focus on what was important — getting married! — and actually spend time with the people who came so far to be with us. Best decision we could have made.

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  19. Is your friend more like Hilary/Melissa or 17 beats/Dani?

    Don't put yourself into debt if your friend is completely and honestly cool with you not being there. IF she will suffer long term feelings of pain and devastation due to your absence, then yes, that is what credit cards are for.

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  20. Picture yourself a few years from now, looking back on it will you want to say, "Man I had such a great time at my best friends wedding!" or "I'm so glad I didn't go to that wedding and save a couple hundred dollars."

    Dude, It's only money. Friendship is way more important. Charge it. Life is just too short.

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  21. Let her pay for half!! She gets that it's a sacrifice for you or she wouldn't have offered. Your going would be a much greater gift to her than your being too proud to allow her to help pay your way. I don't think there's anything unusual about her budgeting in some travel expenses for a maid of honor! If half doesn't cut it, then that's a different story, but PLEASE don't not go because you don't want her to chip in for your plane ticket.

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  22. Agree with the last caller. Suck it up, ask for help. Then say goodbye to the food money.

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  23. This whole scenario is actually happening to me right now except I'm the bride.

    At the moment with 3 months to go, she has dropped the bomb..and made the decision to not come to my hens night - what you call "bacholorette" party. She is also potentially not coming to the wedding. For financial reasons..

    So, I demoted her from MOH to BM (her idea) to take the pressure off her and since realised that our wedding day is OUR wedding day, yes she is my best friend and I'd LIKE her to be there but don't NEED her to be there. It's about me and future hubby.

    Let her pay half, get over yourself and go OR don't go and if she is the best friend you say she is, she should understand. This is life.

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  24. Your friend offered to pay half your fare, she clearly really wants you to be there but also understands that it's difficult for you. Tell her the truth! And seeing as you planned on saving up for it for a year maybe ask her if instead of paying half she could loan you the whole plane fare and you can pay her back by the original wedding date.

    I put myself under severe financial pressure to go to my husband's best friends wedding as he's also a good friend of mine. It was a small wedding with only immediate family and 10 of the groom's friends there. He really appreciated us being there and I have never regretted it. As it's a small wedding you will prob see far more of the bride and groom and they will want you there all the more than if it was a big do

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  25. I had several very close friends who now (most inconveniently!) live on the other side of the world not be able to come to my wedding- and very nearly my best friend, though her circumstances changed at the 11th hour.

    I would have felt EXTREMELY uncomfortable if they had gone into debt trying to make it to Australia from England - or in the case of my best friend, jeopardising her rapidly-expiring US visa (and thus her career prospects) by leaving then trying to re-enter.

    Wedding day was awesome, but ultimately it's one day out of the rest of your life with your husband. It was a super important day to my husband and I, and not having certain friends there was not going to alter that. We're visiting the England friends this year, and they've seen all our wedding pictures, and in reality I would have spent about 5 minutes talking to them at the wedding anyway as there were 150 other guests to meet/greet/hug/thank. Like someone else already mentioned, my best friend in the US was very much involved in the wedding planning via emails and texts, and so even if she hadn't been able to make it I still would have felt 100% supported. It was awesome that she could make it in the end, but only because she was able to get her visa renewed - I would have felt horrible if she mucked up her visa just to come to my wedding.

    Going into debt to go to a wedding is insane.

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  26. Go!

    If your friend has offered to pay half then let her. It's clearly important to her that you're there, which is more important than the saved cash.

    They ditched the big wedding for cash reasons but also so they can be surrounded by the people most special to them and I'm sure the financial saving can go towards making sure those people are there with them.

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  27. You will regret not being there.

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  28. if you are as great of friends that you would be a maid of honor for her then she should understand. I live 6 hours from my bestfriend and was unable to make all her wedding events including bachelorette party, 2 bridal showers and and when they all got massages and nails done together and she was absolutely fine with it. That is what best friends are, understanding and loving. Thank god Hillary et al. are not my friends. And don't forget that your friend changed the date to save herself money and stress, and now you are getting the stress of having to spend the money.

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  29. Sounds like you will regret not being there, but if you reallllly cannot go and pay your rent/eat (like not even rice and beans from the bulk bins) then you really need to swallow your pride and explain that to your friend and accept her offer to help. "Can't afford it" means a whole slew of things to different people. If you can put it on a credit card that might be expensive but fine. If you won't be able to pay the minimum payment on that credit card bill, then it ain't fine.

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  30. I'm getting married in 10 days and am confronted to a lot of those issues. One of my friend being unemployed told me she couldn't make it to the wedding. I offer to pay her ticket (from belgium to France it's really not that bad). But she didn't let me and choose to ask her parents, as a b-day gift. I'm so relieved she's coming!

    It might be stupid as it's just one day but with the stress and emotions linked to wedding planning, I tend to get quite dramatic with all those things. Therefore if my best friend was to pull out only because it's bad timing financially, I would be very hurt.

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  31. Talk to your friend again. She's your BEST friend. She's probably seen you drunk and naked at one point - there's no reason you shouldn't be able to talk about money.

    As a former bride, if one of my BFF's had come to me and said she couldn't afford the trip, and it meant enough to us to have her there, we would have put it on OUR credit card. No questions asked. On the other hand, if it was someone we could have lived without having there (and we did have those), we would have graciously accepted the fact that she couldn't be there.

    But if I had been left out of the decision, I would have been really hurt. So just talk to her and figure out what it means to BOTH of you.

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  32. One of my best friends just got married in the south of france. I left (ohio) thursday and came back the following monday (yesterday). I am getting married in 6 weeks and I am broke. Despite the fact that it made me uncomfortable, i agreed to them buying my plane ticket. I traveled for 30 hours and was there for 30 hours. I still spent $700 on hotels, train tickets, taxis, parking, etc. I can barely open my eyes right now at work. I had to take unpaid time off. YET...

    I am so so so so glad that I went. I loved every one of those 30 hours. Accept her offer to pay for 1/2 and go. You will not regret it. I promise.

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  33. I wouldn't advise you to go into debt for your own wedding, so I'm wary of saying you should just charge the ticket.

    Swallow your pride and talk to your friend. She only offered to help you with the ticket because she loves you and really wants you there. Wouldn't you do the same for her if you could? So let her be your friend and help you out.

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  34. If she offered to paid, then she wants you there. And if it's going to be a small group, you'll have a lot of quality friend time. And if you were going to be one of the MOH's at the original wedding, then she clearly wants you there.

    This is one of those moments why they make frozen burritos and ramen. Charge the flight, live simply over the next 8 weeks, even let her pay for half of it, and go to this wedding!

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  35. I don't love the idea of putting things on credit cards. It's just not a good habit to get in. But I liked the person up the comment ladder who mentioned a friend who got the fare as a birthday gift. If you have family in a financial position to help you, maybe that is a good way to go- see if they will loan you the money with the original wedding date as the due date, or if plane fare could be the next 4 christmases.

    Also you could probably do a whole lot of babysitting/dog walking/house painting in 8 weeks. Ask your extended network if they know of anyone one who would be grateful for that. Old ladies who need mail sorted and want someone to read them a book, and take them to the mall, etc. Telemarketing- it's horrid, and you will hate it, but I only did it for 4 days and walked away with about 600 bucks.

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  36. Oh man! This is a wedding blog, so don't expect too many "weddings...meh!" vibes over here. But I would echo the folks who say to accept the help, to stretch (not place permanently, mind you) your own finances into the red zone, and to just go, dammit. If she was having a baby or getting divorced, you'd go - so go for the happy wedding day, too.

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  37. Thanks so much to everyone who gave me feedback! I really appreciate it. And to answer some questions. No, I don't have a credit card :/ But yes I can reach out to my family and just live very very simply until then. In the back of my mind I knew I would go, how could I miss such an important event for my friend and for myself. I've never had any doubt in my mind that these two are a match made in heaven and I can't wait to share that experience with them! Plus, I know she would do the same for me :)Again, thanks to all who gave honest opinions, you helped make my decision set in stone.

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  38. I agree with the ESB! Credit, borrow from a friend, family etc. Think about it... when you look back in 10 years will you regret swollowing your pride and asking for help or missing your best friend's wedding?

    It took me 2 years to pay of the trip etc for my best friend's wedding in Cuba. But I don't regret it one bit!

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  39. For what it's worth, I missed a really good friend's wedding a couple of years ago, and I still feel bad. I should have been there.

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  40. Love this - the whole time I'm thinking, ummm put it on a zero interest credit card girl.

    Go get one if you don't have one.

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  41. Pro Tip: raid the snack cart during your flight hope for some extra provisions.

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  42. HOME, NOT HOPE. DAMN TYPOS.... MY COMMENT STILL STANDS.

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  43. My nan (who is, admittedly, slightly batty at times) often says 'there are no pockets in a shroud'. And she's right. Money isn't that important really.

    So listen to my batty old nan and get yourself to that wedding.

    D x

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  44. Hahahhaha does Batty Nan have a blog? I would read that.

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  45. Um, yes, you have to go! Just because it's a smaller deal doesn't mean that she needs you there any less! You might even say she needs you more. She's boiled it down to the people that mean most to her, and you are clearly one of them.

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  46. THANK YOU, east side bride! Finally. As a bride in her late 20s, I keep hearing this from some of my "closest friends" who've had ten months to figure out their finances while my fiance's buds seem to be there at a moment's notice. Point is, as much as the financial side sucks, what is life for if we can't celebrate big life-changing events like this with those we are closest with? Also, I'm sure you'd want her at your wedding (assuming you're not already married) when that day comes.

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  47. glad this girl followed up with her decision- awesome.

    a little disturbed by so many women who don't have credit cards- or consider them evil? i feel like if someone dedicates enough thought to CC's to mistrust them (when in truth you're not trusting yourself with it), they should be smart enough to work them to their advantage & get money BACK.

    sorry just thought that was weird.

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