Sunday, August 21, 2011

Dear East Side Bride: I feel numb

 
Aug 20 2:18AM   

So I have been reading for awhile but never really needed to write until now, since most of the planning has been done by other people (I know, lucky me). My wedding is in exactly one week and I feel like a zombie. Everyone is way more excited than I am and expects me to be over the moon, but I just can't find it anywhere in me to even fake it. This has been going on for over a month now, I thought it would go away as the date approached but no luck.   

Some details - I was living in the US (until a week ago) and am currently trying to finish grad school which normally sucks all my mental energy. My FH lives in Paris and the plan is to live with him and work on my thesis from there until I am done. I used to live with him in Paris, the move is of course a big one, but I've done it before. The wedding is actually in Rome, because that's where his family is, so I have a bunch of friends and family coming from CA and then he has a huge family (who did most of the planning before we finished saying 'we're engaged' - although my parents jumped in and helped quickly). The wedding itself should be great - I'm not so worried about the details and I don't have any misconceptions about how 'perfect' things should be, etc. I originally wanted to do it next spring when I know I would be finished with many years of grad school hell, but his family and my family convinced us to do it sooner (our gramma's are getting old). I agreed, got a little stressed about it again recently, but I think I'm over that.

I should also mention that getting married was mostly my idea. My FH is somewhat against the idea for political reasons, but since we are from two different countries we don't have much of a choice. Since the engagement he sort of took over the planning and got excited about everything, so I know there is no resentment there on his end. Actually - he is great. I'm super super super lucky. In fact I remember talking to a good friend about 2 months ago about how lucky I have felt in this relationship because of how well things work.

My problem now though is that I have developed some sort of amnesia.... I remember saying that, but I don't remember how it feels. I don't remember how anything feels. I don't care about the wedding anymore, I don't care that I am in Rome, I don't care about moving to Paris, all I want to do is sit in a pool with a drink in my hand or run off to some island far away and hang out at the beach. It's hard to talk about because I know the whole thing sounds like a fairy tale and I should be so super happy and excited.... I'm not sure if this is some sort of adrenal fatigue from grad school (for those of you who haven't experienced a PhD program, it's like getting repeatedly punched in the face and trying to keep working and smile through it). I WAS excited about it before. I haven't changed my opinion on my FH. He's awesome. I was hoping when I arrived in Paris and saw him again after 3 months all of this would go away, but it hasn't. Has anyone else gone through this at all? Part of me is scared, which I know is normal, but the rest of me is completely blank.   

Any advice would be helpful at this point. Our families have planned a super fun wedding for us, with several other parties before and I really would like to enjoy everything - I have no idea what happened to me.


*****

Aug 20 11:39AM

Are you IN LOVE with him?

*****  

Aug 21 12:58AM   

Yeah, I am.

*****

That's all that matters. Don't beat yourself up about enjoying the stupid wedding.  

Gemma Ward by Craig McDean for Vogue Italia February 2005 via Mari M

24 comments:

  1. I diagnose this as a hideous case of grad school brain. I was effectively catatonic when I turned in my thesis. I hadn't bathed in days. My hair was sticky and gross. It was so bad that my very loving boyfriend demanded that I shower before I went to drink a bar dry, which is what I desperately needed and ultimately did.

    Don't be so hard on yourself. They should seriously start an 'it gets better' campaign for doctoral candidates.

    - Dr Anonymous

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  2. Also you're MOVING COUNTRY to BE WITH YOUR PARTNER while FINISHING YOUR PHD. I did the exact same thing, save for the getting married part, but when you move as a 'trailing spouse' (ick) you basically get married without any of the fun. Don't underestimate what a crazy time this is for you.

    - Dr Anonymous

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  3. I can completely relate to this. I'm two weeks away from the wedding day, and 10 tens away from my Master dissertation deadline, with PhD applications in and interviews popping up everywhere. I've had to be really honest with my (and his) family and tell them that while I'll be 100% there on the wedding day, I really don't give a f*ck about flowers or confetti (or really anything wedding-related) right now. We're having a wedding cos we want to be married... it's just crap timing cos of 1000000 other things... I feel numb a whole lot of the time, and a big part of that is simply emotional, mental and physical exhaustion. The only silver lining is that the only alternative to how you feel right now is probably a mix of panicky-stress!

    Good on you for admitting you feel like this though, but I really don't think you're alone/strange/abnormal for feeling that way.

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  4. Yeah girl, anybody who tries to be in grad school and getting married is INSANE with stress. Just being in grad school with everything else in your life calm & peaceful can still put you in the nuthouse. You're numb because you're stressed, you're doing something incredibly taxing mentally and physically, and you're embarking on a major life change. Remind yourself that, compartmentalize your marriage from your work, and focus on your wedding when the day comes.

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  5. ESB has nailed it. As long as you're in love with your man, you don't have to be in love with your wedding.

    Even without grad school, I spent the weeks leading up to our wedding wondering if I was making a mistake because I didn't feel more excited. In the end it came down to knowing that I was in love with my husband and promising myself that if I felt any hesitation on the day I would call it off, no matter how much of a dick that would make me! I didn't call it off. I did get excited, and I still love my man.

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  6. It's the grad school fatigue. Hang in there, and if you have any time (or can make any time) indulge in some exercise to fix your brain chemistry a little. Be kind to yourself. Yoga helped me a lot in grad school, with the mental recharging in the face of overwhelming thesis related anxiety. I hope it can help you too.

    Good luck.

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  7. Grad school sucks. I am handing in my dissertation later today. Already, just knowing that is true, my life is about a million times better than it was last month. It's too bad this is clouding your wedding, but I really wouldn't take it as a comment on whether you should be getting married.

    Sounds like your folks are in charge of everything. Can you actually just sit by a pool with a drink for the next week? It sounds to me like that's the best course of action if at all possible.

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  8. Maybe you have this:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/21/magazine/do-you-suffer-from-decision-fatigue.html?scp=1&sq=DECISION%20FATIGUE&st=cse

    I feel totally over my wedding, but I had to do most of the planning. I blame it on that. Mines in a month. And at his families, feels kind of like his thing which is funny because he didn't want t get married either. I always thought I'd be pampering myself before the wedding and I'm just working my butt off to pay for it. Thanks for writing, I don't feel completely alone.

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  9. Actually, I've been there. It happens to me when I get super stressed out - I just kind of shut down and start going through the motions. It goes away when the whole situation is over and done with, but it's definitely weird and a bit unsettling.

    So, in a word, don't worry. You'll come back :-)

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  10. You sound exhausted. I was in a very similar position, got married in France with family from all over including US, and we actually live in Switzerland . . . my advice would be to start cutting things that aren't important, take fish oil supplements, and just make it through the wedding. Weddings are nice, but it's just one out of your whole nice life with your FH - so if you don't have the emotional energy to hype it up, who cares? You have a lifetime of hyping up holidays and anniversaries together when you have more time and energy to devote.

    Good luck sister!

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  11. I've felt this way before, shortly before moving to the south of France to spend the summer in the ocean with a drink in my hand. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't happy. I saw a doctor and he said to stop taking my birth control pill asap. I did and the depression lifted. Not saying you have the same issue, but going to see a doctor might help.

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  12. You're exhausted. I've never been in grad school, but I frequently work 100 hour weeks for months on end in a very stressful job, and this is exactly how I feel at the end of a project. Make rest a priority this week. Visit with less people if you have to, eff the seating charts, eff the manicure, whatever. Sleep as much as you can. Find a pool. Lie in bed. Enjoy the day as much as you can, but don't stress over it. If you're feeling numb on the day, big whoop, you'll plan something special for the two of you when life has settled down.

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  13. Heyo,
    All the advice about grad-student fatigue on top of wedding-planning fatigue rings true, but I would add is that, if the feeling of not caring, no pleasure, yadda yadda, continues for more than a month, make a doctor's appointment. Big life changes are tough, and you're going through a bunch of them: be careful that depression isn't the end result.

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  14. Don't beat yourself up - it's a stressful time. I'm and old married and Mom of three - sometimes I look at the entire family and say,"What the F did I do?" :) Exhaustion, expectations, money, moving, marriage - you're tackling a whole lot in one fell swoop. Think of a gray Sunday morning in Paris, croissants, a new husband to lounge with, read the paper, sip strong coffee - it will feel like home.

    Congrats, ESB.

    K

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  15. If you're SURE that you are in love with him, you do want to marry him, and that this is what you want in your life, then EXACTLY what ESB said. For completely different reasons, I was having similar feelings about my wedding day.

    My best advice is to have zero expectations, and you just might end up having a blast. And if you don't, you've got the rest of your lives together!

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  16. I agree that is this does last (or has lasted) longer than a month, please talk with a doctor or counselor about it, if you are able. The stress and fatigue sound like definite causes, but the symptoms sound so much like depression to me.

    It's likely temporary & just due to the HUGE life changes + finishing your PhD, but depression (if that's what it is) isn't something to mess around with. A doctor or counselor can help you to find healthy coping mechanisms, or possibly a low dosage of something to help you through the stress.

    But most of all, don't buy into the "if you want to be happy/excited, you will be." Sometimes, for some people, it's just not physically/mentally an option. And that's not your fault, but there are things you can do to counteract it.

    Good luck! You deserve to take a bit of time to relax & enjoy your fairy tale.

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  17. The question here is (assuming you are still over the moon for the fiance) if you can afford to take some time away from dissertation to enjoy the wedding. I know that when I got my PhD I spent several large chunks of time "researching." Which was really code for "lounging."

    I got married during a similar time line and I finally decided to just set aside my project while I enjoyed a couple months leading up to the wedding. If you can do it, by all means - I would bet that after the wedding events are over, you also find you are doing better work.
    -that bitch from Germany

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  18. I just want to send you empathy and sympathy - I think you're right in suspecting that grad school hell is at the heart of this. I'm also currently trying to wrap up my phd and your description is spon-on. I think it's also all-consuming and can seep into every corner of your life. Sometimes I feel like cancelling everything that's not phd because when I'm doing other things I'm just thinking about how much work I have left, how I'm getting behind etc. I had those feelings about my wedding too sometimes (and was in love and wanting to be married) but in the end you have your wedding, you enjoy it in your own way, and then your phd is still waiting for you at the end, and you've only taken a few weeks away from it really. Also, for me the post-wedding period was really nice, the happy calm after all the wedding craziness, so maybe you've that to look forward to and don't need to reproach yourself about how you deal with a wedding (in the middle of a phd and an interntional move). Bon courage x

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  19. Hey Everyone - this is the original poster here....Thanks so much for all of your helpful comments. I feel very slightly better already...Actually as soon as I wrote the email to ESB I felt slightly better. Now I'm in kind of a lazy state (some friends are in town, but no family yet - which is GREAT) but that all changes tomorrow.
    To whomever suggested I take a break from my dissertation - good advice - Last week I actually emailed my adviser and people I worked with and told them I was completely checking out for 3 weeks and they were all fine with that, which was a HUGE relief. I suggest something like this to the other people who are in a similar situation -- I think a wedding is probably one of the few excuses/reasons for which they are willing to let you off the hook.

    Anyway - I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one going through this. I figured it was normal, I just didn't know how to deal with it. It's too late to see a therapist since I'm in Rome already - although I almost went like 3 times before. I've been running...that's basically the only exercise I can do for now. Like I said - slightly better...I have 5 days, so I'll just hang in there and forget about what I am 'supposed to' be doing.
    Merci encore!

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  20. I agree with just about everything that's been said here, and I wanted to second Emily's idea to take some fish oil (or krill oil, which is more concentrated). It's been shown to improve PMS, depression, arthritis, and a bevy of other health issues. It's really helped my sister manage her depression and anxiety, even while she was going through a bad breakup.

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  21. My friend used to call it 'study dumb' -that numbness, distraction and lack of presence. It's probably just grad school. Sh*t, when I was handing in my thesis all I wanted to do was get so wasted to the point of throwing up (I didn't end up throwing up but was otherwise right on track). But seriously, who in their right mind wants to be painfully throwing up? In my present state I cannot imagine ever wanting to do that. But I did want that at the time. Oh yes, I wanted it badly. I wish I could say you'll enjoy your wedding, but who knows. I was in such a catatonic state through grad school that my memories are a little jumbled up. I definitely have memories, but the strange thing is that I can't put them into a timeline in relation to one another. Stress and lack of sleep have strange effects. Now I'm planning my own wedding, which is also stressful. I can't even imagine the cumulative stress between grad school and wedding planning. Thank god you've got people planning this thing for you. Show up, have a drink (or a few) and you'll start to loosen up and enjoy yourself. In the meantime I think you should try out some yoga - it's done wonders for me.

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  22. The week of my wedding my right hand went numb. Literally. I was an undergrad at the time. I'm sure if I had been a PhD student I would have been in a coma. 4 years later I'm still so in love and happy to be with my guy and I can feel my right hand completely.

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  23. *I hope you're able to fully snap out of it and savor the day of your nuptials. *

    my fingers and the tip of my brain are beginning to go numb after reading this and all the comments.
    I really hope my overworked grad school brain doesnt get a case of the apathetica. It seems like being so overly in wedding mode is a mega happiness killer.
    I vow to avoid the internet 1 week before my wedding.

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