Aug 20 2:18AM
So I have been reading for awhile but never really needed to write until now, since most of the planning has been done by other people (I know, lucky me). My wedding is in exactly one week and I feel like a zombie. Everyone is way more excited than I am and expects me to be over the moon, but I just can't find it anywhere in me to even fake it. This has been going on for over a month now, I thought it would go away as the date approached but no luck.
Some details - I was living in the US (until a week ago) and am currently trying to finish grad school which normally sucks all my mental energy. My FH lives in Paris and the plan is to live with him and work on my thesis from there until I am done. I used to live with him in Paris, the move is of course a big one, but I've done it before. The wedding is actually in Rome, because that's where his family is, so I have a bunch of friends and family coming from CA and then he has a huge family (who did most of the planning before we finished saying 'we're engaged' - although my parents jumped in and helped quickly). The wedding itself should be great - I'm not so worried about the details and I don't have any misconceptions about how 'perfect' things should be, etc. I originally wanted to do it next spring when I know I would be finished with many years of grad school hell, but his family and my family convinced us to do it sooner (our gramma's are getting old). I agreed, got a little stressed about it again recently, but I think I'm over that.
I should also mention that getting married was mostly my idea. My FH is somewhat against the idea for political reasons, but since we are from two different countries we don't have much of a choice. Since the engagement he sort of took over the planning and got excited about everything, so I know there is no resentment there on his end. Actually - he is great. I'm super super super lucky. In fact I remember talking to a good friend about 2 months ago about how lucky I have felt in this relationship because of how well things work.
My problem now though is that I have developed some sort of amnesia.... I remember saying that, but I don't remember how it feels. I don't remember how anything feels. I don't care about the wedding anymore, I don't care that I am in Rome, I don't care about moving to Paris, all I want to do is sit in a pool with a drink in my hand or run off to some island far away and hang out at the beach. It's hard to talk about because I know the whole thing sounds like a fairy tale and I should be so super happy and excited.... I'm not sure if this is some sort of adrenal fatigue from grad school (for those of you who haven't experienced a PhD program, it's like getting repeatedly punched in the face and trying to keep working and smile through it). I WAS excited about it before. I haven't changed my opinion on my FH. He's awesome. I was hoping when I arrived in Paris and saw him again after 3 months all of this would go away, but it hasn't. Has anyone else gone through this at all? Part of me is scared, which I know is normal, but the rest of me is completely blank.
Any advice would be helpful at this point. Our families have planned a super fun wedding for us, with several other parties before and I really would like to enjoy everything - I have no idea what happened to me.
Aug 20 11:39AM
Are you IN LOVE with him?
Aug 21 12:58AM
Yeah, I am.
That's all that matters. Don't beat yourself up about enjoying the stupid wedding.
Gemma Ward by Craig McDean for Vogue Italia February 2005 via Mari M