Monday, February 7, 2011

Attack of the Wallowing BRIDESMAID

(Brought to you by the reader with the hairy-pitted maids...)

Dear ESB,

I'm getting married this summer and my Maid of Honor is getting married this fall. We were best friends in high school and since college and post college we've remained good friends but she went to a very conservative college and I to a very progressive college. We've become adults in different ways, so to speak, but we still love each other and enjoy spending time together. She's been totally oblivious to any MOH duties (not that I really care, it's just a wedding) but her general un-interest in all things 'my wedding' has been a bit surprising to me, since she used to enjoy talking/planning these kinds of things. My wedding will be fine. She'll show up, put on her dress and smile through it all.

Enter her wedding. We live on the West Coast and our families live in the Midwest. She's decided that she wants to get married at the tiniest church in the smallest town (population 25) in the middle of nowhere 4 hours from the town we grew up in. She's never been to this church but can't imagine getting married anywhere else since she has family ties to it. Fine. She can get married where she wants, it's her deal.

Now the complicated part, I'm a wedding photographer and have already turned down three wedding inquiries for the day before and two on her wedding date. I've gotten two inquiries for the day after her wedding and I'm going to book one of them, meaning I'll have to drive two hours to an airport to catch the 6:30pm flight back home so I can shoot the wedding the next day...meaning I'll see her ceremony and about an hour of her reception and then I'll have to leave. She kind of knows the extent of this but is unwilling to change the start time of her wedding to an hour earlier.

Tickets to this tiny airport run around $500 RT. I'll probably be traveling with my husband, so $1000 for both of us.

Is it worth it?

Wallowing Bridesmaid


You expect the bride to bump up the ceremony to make it more convenient for YOU to duck out early?

You realize you're being a total bitch, right??

(Photo of Tura Santana via TeenAngster)


  1. what esb said.

    And enter Anon....

  2. You mean you ACTUALLY asked her to change the time of her wedding? Not only is that ridiculously inappropriate, but I think it is awful that you plan to skip out early on her reception.

  3. + 1 ESB.
    If you cannot be fully presemt for your friend then do yourself and your friend a favor and back out as a BM, send your regrets and, if you feel so moved,a nice card.
    In fairness I think the OP is put off by her friend's aloofness toward her weddimg. BUT. Set the example, don't stoop to her level.

  4. Your response is why I read this blog.

    If she wants someone to hold her hand and tell her the friend's the bitch and not her check out The Knot.


    back to reading your post. had to get that out of my system first.

  6. Don't take the photography job. It's only one weekend. Or do, but don't expect a positive reaction from your 'friend' - and definitely retire from the Maid of Honour role.

  7. If it was me I wouldn't be her maid of honour, I think if you hold that place in a wedding it should be significant enough for it to be a priority. I understand you have to work, so maybe backing out. Would be for the best. If she's not mega into your wedding anyway then maybe it won't be a mega big deal.

  8. I'm going to throw an olive branch to wallowing bride on one point- as a wedding photog myself I know how extremely important it is to shoot as much as you can in the fall because winter is DEAD and you make no monies... Fall to a wedding photog is like tax season to an accountant.
    That being said, unless shooting one less wedding in the fall will send you into bankruptcy you should really try not to bail early on the wedding. I would support you leaving early if you had booked a client before your friend chose her date, but that's not the case here...

  9. LOL...great ESB response! I have to agree, who expects the bride to change the whole wedding so they can duck out early?

    If its really that important that you be there then go and either duck out early with no complaints or don't take the other job. If its not important to you, you might want to rethink the MOH / BM thing :S

  10. If the wedding you're going to cover won't pay for the ticket, then you shouldn't plan for that wedding the day after. what's wrong with the day after the day-after?

  11. LOL. Love ESB.

    WB - The situation sucks. Really. But - she is acting as your MOH, can't you just go and enjoy her wedding? I understand business is business - but can you live without that job? If not, if the job is that essential to getting the bills paid then skip the wedding.

  12. What ESB said is exactly what I thought when I read the "is unwilling to change the start time of her wedding to an hour earlier". Sounds kinda bitchy, Wallowing Bridesmaid. You can't expect someone to change their wedding start time for you.

  13. My brother-in-law got married a couple months before my husband and I did, and we were all in each other's wedding parties. Knowing ahead of time that we'd be preoccupied with our own wedding planning, we had a short and sweet convo with each other saying that we all should not take it personally if we all seem a bit distracted and can't focus 100% on the other couple's wedding. we wanted to be there for each other and fulfill our wedding party duties as much as possible, like throwing bachelor/bachelorette parties and stuff, but we all understood completely if some of those things weren't able to happen, too.

    It worked out swimmingly. No hurt feelers.

    I think clear and honest communication between you and your MOH needs to happen here. You need to explain to her that you need to make a living and can't go broke over her wedding, but that you are going to do everything within your power to be there for her as much as possible, and you expect the same energy and commitment from her.

    There should be a level of understanding/compromise on both your parts but also you should both be making a huge attempt to fulfill your obligation to each other. If the commitment is one sided, it won't be pretty.


  15. Who is this chick? Woe is you...
    I'm with ESB.

  16. What ESB said, as usual. And thanks for making me laugh.

    As a side note: damn you (and thank you) for posting that leather jacket idea. I'm getting married next week and just shelled out money for a leather jacket to go over my dress for the reception. Granted, it's not a black, bad-ass leather jacket (can't pull that off), but it's still awesome. Hopefully. I haven't received it yet. We'll see.

  17. @chesapeake pictures!!!!!!!!!! (i wanted to wear leather ankle boots and a leather belt with my wedding dress at the reception but my mom HATED the idea so i skipped it. i DID however wear a glow-stick necklace around my neck the whole night.) :D i was hoping someone would run with the leather jacket idea. you must share pictures!

  18. WORD. the world doesn't revolve around you, princess. YOU are having YOUR wedding this summer, 'member ?

  19. It's seems like the writer doesn't feel a closeness to the bride so therefore could really care less about being her MOH. Do the bride a favor and let her choose a friend who gives a shit for a position that should be a great honor and not a burden.

  20. You choosing to work the day after your friend's wedding is just that - a CHOICE that YOU are making long after the decision has been made about the date of the wedding. If it is too much of a financial burden, leave your partner behind - saves half the airfare and lessens the blow of a weekend without work.

    I know how it feels to shell out more money than you want to/can comfortably manage for a friend's wedding. It sucks. Know what sucks more? Having your wedding party ditch out an hour into your reception.

    Just sayin'.

  21. no wonder she's not really into talking about YOUR wedding. You're leaving hers EARLY??????? and then asked her to move the time just FOR YOU?????

  22. @T-Bone - You know, I was wondering if the chicken or the egg came first here. Is it, "Why am I giving up a weekend of making money that I need for my friend when she can't be bothered to give a crap about my wedding," or is it that the friend has checked out of her wedding because of the OP's 'tude?

  23. I have to wonder if people who write questions like this - which allude to their contempt with another bride - consider whether the other bride also reads this blog.

  24. Wait, this is the same woman who wanted to tell all her bmaids to shave their armpits? And now she's bailing on her MOH at her wedding? Ugh, can I just say that I'm glad this isn't my friend?

  25. i'm guessing she added in the part about the cost of the flights from the tiny airport because she'll have to fly out of there instead of driving and flying out of a bigger airport for time to make it back for the job? if so, is the job worth $1000? besides being rude to your friend, is it worth the money?

    we all suck it up for our once close but now a little distanced friend's weddings. i was the guestbook attendent at one (the B-list friend, as my dad referred to me the entire time). I burned my eye the day before, but I put in my contacts, smiled real big and asked people to sign the book they could clearly see without my assistance. we all make those sacrifices.

  26. You are unavailable to work that weekend. That's all. Or, isn't it better to miss the day before the wedding, arrive wedding morning and stay the whole day rather than leave early? Do you count the rehearsal dinner or whatever as more important than the wedding reception??

  27. It seems to me like if you go through with this, you're putting the nail in the coffin of your already strained relationship. Are you ready for this friendship to die? Then leave early/don't go. If you think this friendship has life in it still (and you never know, you may grow closer again as life goes on and you both continue to grow and change in ways you didn't expect) then suck it up, go, stay the whole weekend. Leave your man at home if $ is an issue.

  28. I totally agree. Go or don't go, but why the hell would you expect her to chacnge the time of her wedding for you?

  29. Hmmm ... selfish much?

  30. I've been married 2+ years, and you're the only wedding blogger I still read because of posts like this!!!


  31. From Wallowing Bridesmaid:

    Just to set the record straight -

    -my hope in posting this was to get useful advice about if it was worth going or not going, even if I were to have to leave early. Not to be called a selfish bitch. That's not helpful.

    -her wedding is not about me, but I want to be clear with her of the restrictions that are already in place as she plans her wedding, so she is not disappointed when I have to leave early.

    -Bride knew I had a $5,000 wedding the day after hers before she scheduled her date. this is the money that gets me through dec-jan-feb-march

    -Bride does not want to get married in buttfuck indiana - her parents do not want her to get married in buttfuck indiana either, they are actually quite upset - she has no solid reason to get married there, nor is she excited in the least about her wedding. She would be a perfect candidate for an elopement, but does not think outside the box, so it's not my place to tell her what she should do.

    -She doesn't know what a blog is, so I'm positive she does not read this.

    -The closest large airport is seven hours away

    -Her wedding day schedule is totally up in the air (she got engaged two weeks ago) and asked for my opinion in start time

    -you don't know the back story so all of the snarky bitchy comments are completely unhelpful.

    Offically unsubscribed.

    -wallowing bridesmaid.

  32. I'm totally shocked that Wallowing Bridesmaid knee-jerked with a defensive reaction instead of explaining to us the parts we missed. Really. Very shocked. /sarcasm

    OK, now that's off of my chest ...

    The way you wrote the post, it is as if you have known the date for some time, and you have been turning down jobs in anticipation of it, because you have already made that commitment. In fact, you also said, I've gotten two inquiries for the day after her wedding and I'm going to book one of them - this leads us to believe that it is not booked yet. So, which is it? You've turned down the inquiries because of your friend's wedding and now you're balking, or your friend's wedding is now cropping up a weekend that is tough for you because of these inquiries?

    She's never been to this church but can't imagine getting married anywhere else since she has family ties to it. - that makes it sound like she wants to get married there. Regardless, I don't think any one of us really commented on that part of it, anyway. It didn't sound like she and her family didn't want to her get married there, but the opposite. Again, which is it?

    Had you indicated that she only got engaged 2 weeks ago, our answers might have been slightly different. It reads as if you made this commitment a while ago and now are being wishy-washy.

    Now that we have more information, I can say this: You should tell her, "I would love to be there for you, but if it is in x town on y weekend, given the state of the economy, I just don't think I can be there for you. I really am depending on this income to get me through the winter. I don't want you to change anything just to accommodate me, but I'm afraid I cannot be there. I am sorry. Please let me know how I can support you leading up to the wedding." Maybe offer to throw her a local shower or bachelorette party or something, or offer to help make phone calls, whatever. (If you feel so moved to.)

    I would say, if decide you are willing to make the trip out based on these circumstances and she wants you there with her even if you have to leave early, don't drag your husband along - there's no need to spend the extra money if you can't even be there for the whole reception.

  33. I just don't think this question can be answered. No one knows the full relationship between the maid and bride. Is there lingering animosity between them (kinda sounds like it)? Has it built up around them both planning their weddings at the same time, so no one is getting the attention they want/expect? Are there adult differences (which she calls out) too great a divide for her to stand up in her wedding? Smetimes that shit happens, y'know. People change, it sucks, but it happens. I don't know, maybe there just needs to be a little more honesty between them.
    My 2 Cents. For what it's worth?
    We really have no idea.