One of my dearest friends is in an abusive relationship. He is patronizing, condescending and rude. He's selfish and puts her and all women down. He once told her that she mooches off of him, despite her working full time and going to school at night. He is not a wallflower, so being around him is like being forced to be tortured (made fun of, judged, interrogated, just generally made to feel awful about yourself). On top of all this, my good friend's mother recently passed away. What makes me truly think he is abusive (verbally so far) is that he makes her feel guilty for being sad about losing her mom (whom she was extremely close to), as if he is put-out for "having to deal with her grief all the time." She lives in another city than all of her close friends, and they live together. I feel like he uses this death and her lack of close-in-proximity-friends to further isolate her. It's a terrible, terrible situation, and between all my girlfriends, we are just trying to be supportive and hope time will work this out.
The problem with time is that my wedding is coming up, and my friend is a bridesmaid. I don't want to see her boyfriend ever again in my whole entire life (he said some really offensive things to me, and it is known that I don't approve, but I also feel like he is SUCH a jerk that he'd be like "Oh I'm coming to ruin your wedding because you don't like me!"). I can't imagine my rehearsal dinner, with only a few close friends and family and their dates... which includes HIM. The problem is that he is so obnoxious, he's bound to offend me, my family, my friend, just basically make someone cry or really offend someone by being the overall bigot he is - he cannot just sit there and be pleasant and cordial. The wedding is in my hometown, and he won't know anyone except her (and a few other bridesmaids), and obviously I want my gals to focus on bridesmaidsy stuff - getting nails done, drinking champagne, etc., and I just KNOW she's going to be obsessed with his whereabouts, making sure he's ok in this town he doesn't know, and I wouldn't put it past them for him to just BE around. She'll also skip out of the reception early to just be with him, and I want all my best friends to be with me on my night.
She is so weak and vulnerable right now, I feel like if I tell her my concerns, she will back out of my wedding and maybe even lose each other as friends and she'll feel even more isolated. I absolutely adore this girl, despite her terrible taste in men. I feel very protective. I also turn to her for good life advice and just overall good times. I cannot imagine my life or my wedding without her. I feel selfish, but I chose all my bridesmaids so carefully, and I want them all to be there enjoying MY day with me. I want to be there for her, but I also want my special day to be not ruined by this dude. As in... he needs to not be there. HELP. Please!
-Bride With Good Intentions (I swear hate this d-bag for good reasons!!)
You have to tell her HE'S NOT INVITED. And tell her why.
It would be awful if your friend pulled away from you and missed your wedding, but she may have to hit rock bottom before she gets her shit together and leaves the asshole.
Photo by Craig McDean via Fashion Gone Rogue