Tuesday, March 1, 2011

If the officiant is a family friend, do we have to pay him?


Dear ESB,

I am getting married in October and we recently asked a family friend of mine to officiate the ceremony. He is a former pastor, and he has been a close friend of my family (like, comes to Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners kind of close) since before I was born. He officiated my parents' ceremony, as well as my cousin's, and he seemed very happy and touched when I asked him to officiate our wedding. 

After I asked him, however, I realized that I have absolutely no idea what I should pay him! My fiance and I live and are getting married in New York, and he is in California. He had said before I was engaged that he and his wife would fly to New York in a heartbeat to be at my wedding. I wish that I could be like, "I'll pay for your plane ticket and hotel, and here's a generous gift!", but we honestly do not have the money for that.

What do you think is appropriate? Do I need to pay for his hotel and airfare, even though he would have come anyways? Or should I simply get him a nice gift? And if so, what amount would be appropriate to spend? I am at a loss here. Thoughts?


*****

Be totally upfront. Tell the guy "I wish I could offer to pay for your travel, but it's just not in our budget." And ask him if there's a standard honorarium he's accustomed to receiving.

Chances are he'll pooh pooh all that, but you'll feel better if there's no ambiguity.

And then, yeah, buy him a present. Something more fancy than a candle but less spendy than a car.

(Image courtesy of Harper's Bazaar via Laurel Thompson via Fashionising.com)

19 comments:

  1. As usual, ESB is dead-on. Such a wise one, that one.

    Theatre tickets.

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  2. Is he still affiliated with a church? You could make a donation to his parish, or to another cause that's important to him.

    And while it sounds cheesy and impersonal, a nice pen (like a Cross or Waterman) is actually kind of a cool gift for the person who will be signing your marriage certificate.

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  3. we didn't even give our officiant (my godmother, a superior court justice) a gift. what boors we were! then again, the wedding was technically a sham.

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  4. Ours was a close friend, too. He refused to let us pay him, but he's a writer and loves to read, so we got him a gift certificate to Powell's Books in Portland. He made a trek with his wife and loved it.

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  5. We paid our family-friend/officiant $100. She didn't ask for payment, but she did make a three-hour drive. We simply handed her an envelope after the reception. It felt right to us. Hope this helps!

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  6. You are well on your way to becoming Miss Manners Ms ESB.

    (that's a compliment. btw)

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  7. Maybe pick up his hotel room bill, if that's in the budget? And include a sweet note and a treat in the room, so it's waiting for them?

    But any small gesture will suffice, if it's thoughtful. And I think that if he is currently a pastor then it's good form to make a donation to his church. (But I have no idea what the amount usually is - I would guess $100 but maybe I'm cheap).

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  8. gift certificate for a nice dinner with his wife. I like the theater tickets idea too.

    And/or I would pay for the hotel room.

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  9. I agree with ESB.

    We paid ours in whiskey, but that probably won't do.

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  10. Yep. And the present needs to be particularly personal, to recognize your friendship with him.

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  11. ESB is totally right, I think a thoughtful gift goes along way...

    We had a close family friend marry us and Kiwi (who runs a custom men's clothing co. with his brother) made him two custom dress shirts, one of which he actually wore to the wedding :)

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  12. An family friend did ours. It didnt even cross my mind to offer to pay him (he would have been a guest either way) but I gave him a nice bottle of his faveroit tipple and a gift voucher for a bookshop.
    It was amazing having someone who knows you and loves you officiate. I've been to a few weddings and thought wow this celebrant doesn't know these guys personalities at all! One even got the brides name wrong... 5 times! Owch!! So remeber to be thankful that you are lucky enough to have his help! All the best!

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  13. Fancy wine usually works. Even if you're broke, you can find a cute or witty bottle for cheapish.

    PS@ esb - cute header. Why do I always notice first?!

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  14. @nikki it's true! you're the first one again!! and it was lauren's idea, really. i kept thinking she'd look for it.

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  15. We had a family friend do our wedding as well (actually, my BM's dad, who is a judge), and we gave him and his wife a generous gift certificate to their fave restaurant.

    ESB's advice is perfect. (Not shocking!)

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  16. I believe a typical officiant's fee is between $200 and $600, depending on the size of the wedding and the length of ceremony/amount of preparation required. If he won't give you a number for the honorarium, shoot for somewhere in there.

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  17. I think it depends on the religion/denomination, but our officiant refused payment even though she wasn't a close friend or anything. We made a $250 donation to her church which she later told me went to buy a prescription for a poorer parishioner. My father is also a minster, and only takes donations to the church when performing ceremonies. Since this guy isn't affiliated, I would ask about a donation to a charity in his name AND since he was making such a trek, some nice token of your appreciation for him to appreciate while in NY.

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