Wednesday, March 2, 2011

My best friend, the C-Word.

Feb 7, 2011


I hope you know I completely adore your blog. Humongous, ginormous fan. Anyways, on to the question, no?

My fiance and I moved 1000 miles away from home in Chicago almost four years ago and, naturally, some of our good friends kind of fell off. We're great at keeping in touch, promise, but 1000 miles will do things to friendships...just hard to stay in touch. Anyways, I kept in great contact with my best friend of almost 7 years back home, we've seen each other on every trip back home and have talked on the phone 2-3x week since I moved. We've been sending each other birthday gifts and what not - you get it, we've been in touch. She was just telling me the other day in a bit of a sad day that no one gets her like me and I always felt the same.

I called the other day and she was asking about the wedding...wondering if she was invited. What?!? Invited?! Hell yes, girl...actually, we just made the decision not to have a wedding party because I's friends would be really butt hurt if he had to choose a best man and we don't want anyone to have any obligations, just come as you are....but I did want to ask if you would be our witness and be my best woman nonetheless? She was silent.

I spoke up again: "You don't have to do anything, just be there while I get ready and what not..."

"So you want me to plan your shit for you?"


"That's what you're saying, right?"

Inside, of course, I was screaming "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUU" but instead, I'm reconsidering and thinking of kind of loosening up the reins on that friendship and letting it run its course into whatever possible destruction it seems to be taking me toward.

What would you do? Was it an unreasonable request on my part?

Sell it to me straight, ESB.


Feb 28, 2011 (10:29am)

Any new developments??


Feb 28, 2011 (10:34am)

We've talked recently and she hasn't brought it up again. She doesn't like talking about the wedding at all and I'm feeling a bit of a cold shoulder and brush off. My main question at this point is, do I have the right to choose another or not to have a Maid of Honor at this point, even though I've already asked? Is it rude to ask someone to be your MOH if you're not going to have them stand or take on any responsibilities? Did I take all the fun out of it?


Thanks, ESB.


Mar 2, 2011 (now-ish)

It's YOUR WEDDING. If your friend is bumming you out, you have the right to let her off the hook at any point. 

I don't think she's pissed about the MOH duties (or lack of duties). It sounds like there's something else going on. Maybe she's having trouble dealing with the fact that you're getting married? Your happiness is making her unhappy? But you can't let her drag you down.

I have been slammed with my-bridesmaid-is-acting-like-a-cunt emails in the past week. Total bummersauce.

Photo by SAGA SIG


  1. huh? maybe it's just me but I totally don't get why she'd be pissed off about that... you get all the good things about being best woman but you don't have to take on any boring organizational stuff... or am I missing the point here?

  2. If you have been best friends for that long, PICK UP THE PHONE AND TALK TO HER ABOUT IT.

    Sorry for the capital letter bomb, but seriously, you can't tell your best friend that she hurt your feelings?

  3. Sounds like she's being a bitch because she wants to be an official bridesmaid or maid of honor, not just a witness. I don't think you did anything wrong. If a friend asked me to be her witness/honorary best woman (minus any of the organizational nonsense), I'd be thrilled. THRILLED, I tell you.

  4. What the hell is "what not"?

  5. Ok I really don't get what there is for her to be pissed about... you mean she gets to have the role at your wedding without all the responsibility and financial cost? BOOYA... but clearly something is going on.

    I say either talk to her about it and try to work it out...


    Just say, I'm getting a sense that you're not into the MOH thing... so nevermind (although with more tact than that)

    Sidebar: "bummersauce" is my new favourite word!

  6. thanks for bummersauce, definitely not just another wednesday.

    i second the wondering about something else going on...maybe being blunt and asking her exactly what is going on and why you've been getting X, Y and Z feelings from her, will help things along? maybe she has a reason why she doesn't feel she can take on the role of moh? who knows...

    letting people off the hook is an awkward and weird conversation but also such a mental and emotional relief. the lasting effects of potential frienship loss can be/are difficult to deal with, so definitely consider that before making a decision.

    last summer i had a completely disconnected bridesmaid - i felt she had little to zero interest in anything wedding related. she was going through personal stuff, and i potentially wasn't much of a support as i was busy planning a wedding, finishing grad school and working full time...point being, i didn't approach the subject for months, until one week before the wedding i hadn't heard from her in over a month - no idea when she was arriving etc.(none of my bridesmaids lived in the same city)...and i finally boiled over and let her off the hook...actually my words were "if this is too much for you, don't worry about it".

    i feel awkward telling this story becuase there is so much detail reality, our friendship had been waning for nearly 2 years...but I hope you get the gist.

    anyway, the person who had been my best friend for nearly 17 years didn't come to the wedding, she didn't worry about it...and we haven't spoken since. i frequently think about the friend i lost...i feel guilt and sometimes wonder if it was worth my case the friendship probably ran its course.

    all that to say...speak up before things go too far.

  7. I'm confused all around. There must be more going on here than you've said.

    If you guys are such good friends, and obviously you are because you've put so much work into a long distance friendship and you wanted her to be your best lady, why can't you suddenly share your feelings with one another? I know weddings do weird stuff to people, but you need to put the wedding on the back burner for a minute and talk to her. Don't focus on the wedding in your conversation with her, focus on your friendship. Find out how she's feeling. Tell her how you are feeling.

    It could be any number of things that are causing her to suddenly recoil — the easy thing to jump to conclusions is jealousy, but it could it be that she's worried your marriage will interrupt the friendship, or she doesn't like your future husband (if my friend was marrying a guy I didn't approve of, I'd have a hard time being a witness to that marriage), or maybe she's had bad experiences being a bridesmaid before and doesn't realize that this one will be different.

    All this is to say you need to talk and be honest with one another. I really am flummoxed that you are so willing to let this relationship suddenly go without trying to work though this. If she's been that great of a friend and you wanted her to be your witness just a short time ago, the friendship deserves you trying to reach out and mend this issue.

  8. she with the questionMarch 2, 2011 at 8:50 AM

    thanks for answering, ESB and thanks for the comments. i suppose a little background would've helped a bit. neither of us are the wedding-y type people, i have always hated being a bridesmaid and MOH but i've done it with a smile the whole time because it's the right thing to do when someone asks, you know? she's the same way. she's 21, not into weddings, hates marriage, is semi-condescending to our relationship...i should have probably known better than to ask her, but she was my best friend. and we both used to be like that..making fun of those assholes in happy relationships while we were such a mess.

    i'm with anonymous above that our friendship has been silently waning for a while and maybe i've just noticed or am trying to cling to something by bringing her into the wedding.

    thanks for the advice. feeling much more clarity right about now.

    sorry about anyone else going through cuntly bridesmaid acts as's never fun and for the record, now that i think about it, i would have loved being let off the hook for a few weddings i've been in.

    thanks again.

  9. i needed bummersauce today. thank you. glad to read that 'she with the question' is finding clarity, gotta love esb.

  10. Going through similar stuff right now. This week I have realized more and more that some people, as close as they are to us, just DON'T GIVE A F*CK about our weddings.

  11. I don't know why you BFF is acting funny, but mine did the exact same thing when I got married (We also did the no BM's thing). Actually when I called to tell her I was getting married she replied "I'm pumping gas now, can I call you back?" and never did...

    So, yeah. It's a total bummer.

    Eventually she kind of got back to normal. But never all the way back, and you just have to deal with it. Sorry.

  12. I have a friend who recently asked her best friend to be her matron of honor and the girl said: "Can I have a week to think about it?" If you need to think about it, you shouldn't be the matron of honor is what I'm thinking. Bitches be crazy.

  13. @Erin - I actually think that's better than someone committing to something that they're unwilling to follow through on.

    @OP - I agree with the posters who said to call your friend and talk it out. I learned the hard way what can happen if you don't.

    Good luck.

  14. You know, some people are rad at life and shitty at weddings. Some people, the other way around. Better to have a friend who's good at being a friend, but not into being a bridesmaid, right?

  15. You kind of knew what you were getting into - I mean she isn't into weddings... Now you are getting married, which in her eyes might make you a bit of a hypocrite.

    And I know we "brides" get super excited, but really for most people it is just another day... If you love her and want her to stand up for your day, accept her bitchiness - OR - scratch the whole idea all together... Either way - talk to her about it, in person!

  16. she with the questionMarch 3, 2011 at 9:39 AM

    @Meg - YES. I agree. We didn't care about a wedding party in the first place...maybe all this blogging has taken its toll on our perspective.

    @Elle - It's true. She told me once she initially thought it was weird that I had given up on the whole thinking marriage is weird thing...but once she met him and I explained that you can't just dig in your heels on life, she agreed and thought it was awesome, she said at least. Talking in person is a little tricky since she lives across the country now...but yeah, we have some talking to do. Thanks.

  17. yeah, yeah, I read the email but seriously.


    my day just got really, really good.

    ps-life rule: don't have friends who don't make you feel good. especially at your wedding. it sucks that you even have to go there, though. my sympathies.

  18. Wow, reading all this is sounds so familiar to me, I'm going through something similar. But first I wanted to comment on how totally down right mean your friend's very first reaction was when asked (invited) to be your witness. She doesn't have to DO anything, just be there (because, hellO) you care about her friendship that much. If she's got something up her craw, she's should be able to user her "big girl" words to express that without pooing all over what is kind of a pretty neat honor - sans the work detail! Your explanation for not having bridesmaids were thoroughly reasonable.

    There are issues in every long lasting friendship and I hate to say it, but female friendships can get really complicated. If there are resentment issues at work here, again, you're both adults. My position is, the person with issues, needs to step up like an adult and leave the passive aggressive stuff for children yet here you are left guessing.

    I'm getting married next month. And it's true - bride-to-be or not - we must all be sensitive to each other and make special allowances for our good friends. I know mine have for me! I'm in a 29 year long friendship (if it's that at all now) and I can say, it's gotten pretty tiresome letting the sensitive, fragile, resentful and usually angry best friend/MOH run over me because she's "so fragile."