I never really thought I would ever be writing to you, but at this moment I feel so damn confused and don’t want my friends and family to weigh in because I’m embarrassed.
My husband and I have been together for about 6 years, married for 2. We met through work and quickly became BFFs... about 6 months into our friendship we started dating. He inspired me and made me feel amazing and I know I did the same for him.
We, however, had very different sexual pasts. I wouldn’t say that I was ever promiscuous, I just had a much more varied sex life (toys, positions, frequency, oral etc.) and he had a much more vanilla sex life. In the beginning of our relationship we had a very healthy sex life, nothing really rocked my world, but the intimacy we shared was enough to make sex awesome nonetheless.
When we decided to move across country something changed. At this point it’s probably pertinent to mention that he is in incredible shape (like he is one of the most attractive men I’ve ever seen). I, on the other hand, have always been told I was beautiful, but began to put on some weight. I went from a size 6/8 to about 10/12 (about 15 lbs)... Now at this point our sex life screeches to a halt and I notice and start mentally freaking out. We just moved across country, this is my best friend what the FUCK is going on???
Things started kind of slow - he would ask me if I had exercised at all when he got home from work, or he would start commenting on what I was eating. At first, I obliged him by answering because I thought he was merely curious... It became evident that curiosity wasn’t his motivation. Sensing he was having issues with the way that I looked - I brought it up and asked if the reason we weren’t being physical with one another was because I had gained weight... At first he denied it, but after several conversations over the next couple weeks he fessed up.
I tried to understand where he was coming from - he is in incredible shape, it makes sense that he would want his GF to take care of the way she looks. But then I started to get really fucking angry because I was feeling rejected and shitty. When we weren’t discussing sex, our relationship was/is great. We had fun, laughed, cuddled - but we weren’t being intimate. I can’t even count the number of times he and I had talked about it, but nothing really changed, things really just kept getting worse.
The constant criticism of what I put in my mouth or what I cooked or where we went for dinner continued, the sex was obsolete, and our friendship started to suffer. We blamed it on the move and the stress of our new careers, but the truth was I could handle all of that. What I couldn’t handle was feeling rejected and judged by the person I thought loved me for who I was. There is so much back story for why this was so hurtful to me and how paralyzed I felt, but seriously no one wants to read about my daddy issues...
Fast forward - he proposed, despite us having this very serious issue. I said yes, because I felt like everything else about him was amazing and perfect. We have been married two years.
We didn’t have sex on our wedding night. Or the next day. We have had sex less than 10 times in two years. We have fought like crazy (about this issue and ONLY this issue), and now I don’t know what to do.
To be fair, I have gained a total of about 30 lbs at this point, have made no effort to diet and have no patience and snap at him for asking/talking/mentioning anything about my weight and/or food choices. And am generally more edgy, critical and angry.
Last week we had, what I thought to be, a constructive argument that ended in us both understanding how we played a role in what happened. I, however, have changed. And although I warned him several years ago that if he continued down this road - I was going to resent him and that I didn’t know if I would be able to forgive him - here we are. And now I am depressed and sad - I smoke pot daily to destress. I hate looking in the mirror. I binge eat. And some days I just want to die.
I love him. And despite most of your readers probably wanting me to shoot him in the face - he is a good man. He still makes me laugh, cuddles me, rubs my back and I can tell him almost anything - and in the last couple weeks he has really made an effort to stop being critical. But there is still no intimacy and now I don’t know how or if I should get it back.
He has stated that for all those years he viewed my resistance to getting into great shape as a slap in the face, because he demonstrates how important it is to him and stays in shape and that it felt like I wasn’t taking his needs and desires into consideration. I feel like it’s really important that I mention that because I do see the validity in that statement...
But another part of me wants to shake myself. At this point I can’t even think straight - I go from completely agreeing with him to wanting to slap myself for being so weak. It’s been so many years of promises broken in this regard, but the times when this isn’t being focused on things are OK, not amazing, but OK.
The shitty part is - I would really like to be in good shape again. I miss feeling beautiful and not because some guy was telling me I was.
I wish I could live in the first years of our relationship again, because I miss him and I miss the comfort and safety I felt.
Please help me. I am mortified - I don’t know what to do. Is my baggage making me hyper sensitive? Is it wrong that I still so desperately want him to want me? Why is this so taboo feeling?
Thanks for “listening” + sorry for the long email. I didn't read it back, but I can't be crying at work right now.
GET IN SHAPE.
Not for him, for you.
Swear off pot for a year, get in shape and get yourself to therapy. Talk through those "daddy issues" you didn't want to get into here. There's something else going on with you.
On the one hand, this guy is a dick for not wanting to sleep with you just because you've gained weight…. On the other hand, there is nothing less attractive than someone who is angry + depressed + binge-eating.
There's something else going on with you and you need to work it out. Once you're in a healthier place, you can decide if Mr. Incredible Shape is someone you actually want to be married to.