How do you know you have what it takes to make a marriage?
My guy and I have been together for a few years, live together, got a kitty, the works. We've recently been through a series of big changes (me graduating, us moving away from my country for my job, him struggling to find work in the new place), and were planning to get engaged when we'd settled in and he found a job.
However, out of nowhere I started having these big doubts. I felt so guilty and scared for a couple of days then did what I always do- I talked to my guy about it, thinking that we'd discuss things, he'd make me feel better and then I'd stop having doubts. I explained where my worries were coming from: that every time something bad happens (I've had a few family deaths early this year) he doesn't know how to support me because he almost always wants me to tell him what to do/say; when we have fights/issues we don't know how to compromise because he gets emotional and irrational, I get angry, and we end up fighting until we get sick of fighting and make up; when my depression is really bad he can't deal with it and gets angry because he does't know what to do. (I know that looks like I bombarded him with all that but I didn't). Anyway, he denied that there were any problems and changed the subject. Then I got angry and he got upset. We did sit down and talk like adults for a while but didn't get anywhere constructive and this morning he's pretending that nothing happened.
Despite all this, I keep telling myself that we've got this far and have been mostly happy, we've got through some really massive fights, so that must mean we have something to build on, right? And when things are good, they're really good. He's sweet and kind and funny. He's so good to me even when I don't deserve it. We have the same sense of humour and fun. My family adore him.
Is that a strong enough foundation to build on? Can we work through those problems or are our personalities when things are bad just never going to work?
I keep swinging between two thoughts: that maybe I'm just having a crisis because of all the big changes in our life recently; or that maybe all the upheaval has woken me up and made me realise we're not right for each other.
I want so much to make this work, I just don't know how (or even if we can) and I've not eaten for days because of all this stress. I really hope you can give me some wise married lady advice.
Hungry and confused.
PS sorry for the terrible grammar/punctuation. I really am very hungry.
There is no magic formula for marriage, lady. You REALLY have to trust your gut.
In this case, I think your poor gut is talking loud and clear.
Photo by Jonathan Levitt