Friday, August 23, 2013

ugh


So

My best friend of 25 years got married in June, I was her MOH, I tried so hard to please! I feel like I went above and beyond, her wedding, shower and bachelorette party were all awesome, I would even go so far as to say it was absolutely perfect.

She had a very long engagement, three years, we thought she was never going to get married! Until... I got engaged!

Back story- my FH and I have been together for 14 years, I always said I never wanted to get married and so I never thought he would ask.

Until he did!?!

So of course I said yes, I am a very offbeat girl and I am going very traditional with my wedding, crazy but it's what I'm digging! I wanted to get hitched before turning 30. I kinda felt like she should get married before me as she got engaged before me. Not wanting to wait to pick a date we kinda agreed that I would get married later in the fall as she always wanted a June wedding. I set my date in September after getting engaged in July. As of January she still had not. I had always felt overwhelmed and stressed out that she said she wanted to get married that summer and still had not gotten a dress or set a date or ANYTHING. Meanwhile I had a date a dress a caterer a photog... I digress...

I feel like she didn't even want to get married, it was like pulling teeth. I would try to be uber helpful and work on things to inspire her to no avail. When she finally set a date I was ecstatic! Ready to help all I could, I knew it was going to be an amazing wedding! She was not an easy person to please. I tried my best. I planned an awesome girls weekend and threw her a beautiful shower. I did her hair and makeup for all of her events I spent a ton of money on her gifts, I helped her with everything she would allow me to, I really would have done anything for her! I can't tell you how many nights I cried over how terrible she made me feel, she accused me of not helping her. I never let her know how bad I was hurting, I didn't want to ruin any of her experience, I would just apologize profusely  During her parties etc she would always make snide comments about how I was next, I just let it go not sure how she meant for me to take it...

I hoped that after her wedding things would improve! I had never heard of a MOHzilla...

Lets just say it hasn't, her husband is also in our bridal party, he is worse than she is! She didn't come with me to try on dresses, I was there for her. She didn't come to my bridal portraits, I did her hair and makeup, picked up her flowers, followed her around making sure she wasn't shiny and made her laugh the whole time thru hers. I ordered my bridesmaids dress the day she chose it, it almost didn't make it here because she waited so long, so of course she waited to the last second to order for mine, it's going to arrive the week before the wedding.... I am trying to remain positive but it is a losing battle. The day that my FH wanted to go look at suits (we decided to buy them they cost 80 bucks! Sweet Perry Ellis modern fit suits that they can keep for 80 bucks!) he asked that I go. My MOH's husband gave me attitude about being there, he was very short and snippy saying things like "can we get this show on the road!" I tried to ask him what was wrong and I wrapped my arm around his shoulder to hug him and he pushed me away and said "you need to talk to your friend" and stormed off... Needless to say I cried the whole way to the suit shop. Is it really too much to ask for people to be nice and positive?

So far my MOH has been bitchy and snippy about having to plan my shower and party. She has figured out a place to stay for free which is ok but she said "you know because I am still so broke from my wedding" to which I replied " honey I am still broke from your wedding!"

My FH and I have decided we should have eloped and that after we are married we don't need our friends. We four used to hang out every Thursday Friday and Sunday, now I am lucky if I get a phone call....

I am sure that this will only get worse, the good thing is I am on top of my game and until the week I get hitched I don't think I need to do anything except for buy booze and save money!

If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this I would love to hear it.

Super Sad Bridey Bird

*****

Just so we're clear: You are the MOHzilla in this sitch, not your friend.

SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GET MARRIED

SHE WAS CRYING OUT FOR HELP

And, um, I hate to break it to you… But I think perhaps they have already split up. Like the man said, you need to talk to your friend.


Carolina Thaler by Laurence Ellis for Amica, September 2013 via COUP DE FOUDRE

51 comments:

  1. Dun Dun Duuuuun...

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  2. I'll comment as if I don't think the OP is a little cay cray...

    Nothing in here states the OP's besty is the type of person to be the perfect MOH. It sounds like the OP was the perfect MOH. But her besty isn't. So where's the confusion?

    Just because you, OP, wanted to be the perfect MOH, going far above and beyond for your friend who was a bride and wanting to make everything perfect for her - doesn't mean she is willing to the same. And maybe, just maybe your (let's assume blatant) expectations of her behavior are pissing her off. Because she just freaking got married in June and now you want her to give just as much of a sh*t about your wedding? Get real. Give her a break. And if she's truly being a sh*t friend, kick her out of the wedding. But for godssake, stop whining about it as though its super confusing that someone doesn't want to wipe your nose for you while you get you bridal portraits done.

    P.S. bridal portraits? Really? Grow up.

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    1. What ARE bridal portraits, anyways? Like, you get dressed up in your wedding dress in advance to get pictures taken of just you because the wedding is your special day? Jeesus.

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  3. Have the direct conversation, ask her what is wrong. If it is something that can be fixed carry on. If not, give her an out and get them out of the weddingl party. You don't actually need her for anything, and it will only get worse.

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    1. Right? Better to go to these things alone than to bring someone who makes you feel shitty about everything.

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  4. Since the OP says she is under 30, I feel like all these people have been friends or dating for a really long time given their presumed ages. This isn't related to anything she said, just pointing it out because to me, the ages in this letter read like a word problem.

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    1. Right? Friends for 25 years - I want to get married before 30 - Been with my guy for 14 years...

      Wait a second - is this like that teen show where the kids went to school on a cruise ship? Maybe all these people are friends/have been dating for so long because they're trapped at sea and only have a small pool of people to choose from.

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    2. Ryan Gosling was on that cruise ship. I wouldn't be crying if I was on that cruise ship. I also would have picked Ryan Gosling.

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  5. The first 800 paragraphs of this thing are an exercise we can all benefit from: when you are pissed about something, write it down, get it all out, you might feel better. But then take a breath and think, is this really that big of a deal? What is important here? You don't need to send it to a blog to find out.

    Then I get to the end and it seems like her friend actually might be going through something serious and personal*, and she is all "we should have eloped, just me and FH sitting in a tree"?? Um, girl. Talk to your friend. Weddings make us all a little crazy, but your friendship for your whole lives must have gone through changes before, and it can probably make it through this one too.

    * which, IMO, is probably not that they split up, just maybe one of the very standard fights that couples have in the months after they marry? It is an intense time.

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  6. I don't know. ESB could be right, since the guy did say "you need to talk to your friend" rather than "please have a talk with my wife" or even refer to his wife by her name...

    But I also think the OP could be facing a legit falling-out situation. This sort of thing can happen if the married friend suddenly managed to warp into the wedding-hysteria-competitor who pushes away loads of friends after the big day.

    Note that OP said she is lucky if she gets a phone call from this friend anymore. It also sounds like the friend was already edging the OP out of her life with withering comments even before her own wedding. What is the OP to do then -- especially if the friend really didn't want to get married, or was making some cry for help, but perversely also didn't make herself *accessible* to the OP for any advice? (Not that it's solely the job of the OP to do all the help either, the friend needs to give too if she wants to keep the friendship going).

    I think that sometimes people - possibly like the OP here - who look well-organized, on the ball, and to have a nice "life package" etc, etc, can get shunted by friends who really need to do some of their own soul-seeking. People like the OP may look super-strong, but they may well be super-sensitive and super-generous too. It does happen.

    So another reading of this post might be that the OP handles life more openly and directly than her married friend did. The OP probably also addresses problems *as they arise*, which is far more healthy (imho) than procrastinating, waiting for them to fester, and finally pushing friends away.

    I'd place my money here on the real mismatch being between the approaches to life followed by the OP and the married friend. They're so different that you could even call the OP out for worrying about the organization of her friend's wedding, which, to be fair, really was not her job and could have been offputting to the friend.

    And if I could place a second bet, I'd even wager that the married friend and her husband are most probs head over heels for each other. Why not? For all we know, that guy could have let himself be led blindly down the garden path of his wife's own petty politics??

    But since these are just bets, and, at the end of the day, there doesn't seem to be enough info on hand to make a full call on this post, I'd lean towards giving the OP some benefit of the doubt. I hope her wedding is gorgeous and that her married life to follow gets better each passing day. :)

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    1. "They're so different that you could even call the OP out for worrying about the organization of her friend's wedding, which, to be fair, really was not her job and could have been offputting to the friend."

      YES. offputting is understating it. that shit would have really pissed me off. Maybe your friend is hurt/pissed/annoyed/whatever that you have reduced your friendship down to your respective roles in each other's weddings, or that your expectations for YOUR wedding bled over into your expectations for HER wedding. Weddings are some stressful shit for everyone, so maybe you should cut the girl some slack.

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  7. Did you guys know that Todd Wilkins and Jessica Wakefield had an affair while he was dating Elizabeth and subsequently got married?! [I found this out while trying to concoct a SVH joke. Ah, well--cruise ship kind of best me to it, anyway]

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    1. There was a recent serial series that came out about them being adults-- it was crazy fun to read.... and I didn't even really love that series growing up.

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  8. I feel like 99.9% of the issues people write to ESB about would all be fixed if people were able to just talk to their friends. As someone in the stages of planning her wedding I would have a full blown panic attack if my MOH called me all of the time to plan/schedule/ask if I'd looked at dresses yet etc. Maybe the friend didn't need OP to be her surrogate wedding planner, maybe she just needed her to be her friend. And it sounds like she needs her to be her friend now. OP and the friend need to have a conversation where no one talks about flowers or blotting papers. It sounds like all you guys have talked about (perhaps for years) is weddings and that makes for a pretty sucky and dull friendship. Unless literally the only thing going on in your lives are these weddings in which case that's probably a big part of the problem too.

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    1. ugh, yes. I always get my shit done, but it has to be on my own time. If someone was constantly on my back about decisions and progress, I'd straight up lose it and probably start avoiding them entirely. Asking me to do something 20 times is the quickest way to get me NOT to do it, which I rationally understand is immature, but it's how my brain works.

      Not everyone is a go-getter with color coded list of pre-dated decisions to make. I know sad bride is trying to be super *up beat!* and *easy going!* and *positive!* but all I see is Tracy Flick.

      Taaaaaalk toooo yooooouur friennnnd

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  9. One of my hugest pet peeves are people who do favors so that you will owe them one in return. I have a friend who does this constantly...she is over-the-top generous, always stepping in to help and doing things no one would ever expect her to do and never asked her to do, and then will remind you of her "generosity" FOREVER and constantly hint that you owe her something. She gets super pout-y if she asks for a favor and you can't do it for her, and will whine, "Gee, I thought you'd jump at the chance to help me like I helped you." I no longer let her help me with anything if I can help it! SO ANNOYING. All this is to say, your friend might be inconsiderate but you are part of the problem here! Talk to her and find out what the deal is. And most of all, stop doing things for people just so you can turn around and demand the same from them!!

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    1. Bingo! This letter reeked of, "I did ALL this work for her wedding and she won't do the same amount for ME - WAAAAAAAH!"

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    2. I really suspect that this is what's going on here.

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  10. what the hell are bridal portraits?

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    1. Something my mom went to Olan Mills for in 1985 after getting her hair frosted.

      Also, to OP: self-awareness, party of zero.

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    2. They can also be a cultural thing and are big in China, where it's fairly common to go to a photographer's small shop and wear one of their hire-able gowns for the shoot. For people with salaries lower than you'd ever want to imagine, these shots may be the one-time chance they have for any kind of "expensive do". Not saying this is what the OP is doing. Just saying there can be more to these things than meets the eye.

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    3. Cool to know. Thanks, anon!

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    4. They're also really big in the South. Some newspapers only run wedding announcements the Sunday after a wedding, and feature a bride's bridal portraits in them. And bridal portraits are typically displayed at the reception.

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    5. @Anon 1:18 - exactly. Southerner here, and I know a ton of women who had bridal portraits, some of which were displayed at the wedding, in enormous gilt frames surrounded by flowers. I kind of love it, but opted for the open bar instead.

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    6. oh man, "bridal portraits are typically displayed at the reception". YIKES.

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  11. This letter is a cautionary tale about marrying the guy you started dating when you were 15. It clearly stunts your emotional development.

    -LM

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    1. AMEN SISTAH. AMEN

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    2. When I did that math, I was like, WHAT?

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    3. AGREED.

      Obviously there are exceptions, but people who have never spent a day single as an adult tend to lack life experience.

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    4. As someone raised by two people who began dating when they were 14, I can confirm that this totally, totally happens. (It made the divorce in their 40s awesome, too.)

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  12. Whoa whoa stop.

    You frog marched your buddy into getting married because you felt that she needed to get married before you.... because she got engaged first and you didn't want to have to get married even though you never wanted to get married in the first damn place?

    Listen to yourself. I'm sorry to puppy pile on, but you didn't have to wait for her to get married. That's not a requirement. Grow up.

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    1. I totally agree that you don't have to wait for anyone else to get married, no matter when they got engaged/who they are etc, but this friend surely wasn't 'frog-marched'. I'm sure she and her husband made the choice to get married themselves, and if they didn't then more fool them.

      God knows what went on in this whole scenario though.

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  13. Can someone get this bitch a xanax?

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    1. exactly! I thought I was the only one who read the stream of consciousness and though "psych help"

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  14. I think:

    1) People are different. If one person likes organising events and getting everything done with plenty of time to spare, and somebody else is a more spontaneous, getting things done at the last minute kind of person, it doesn't mean they can't be friends, but it does mean they are going to take a very different approach to being a maid of honour. She needs to accept that.

    2) If her friend is like me at all (I'm very into leaving things to the last minute, and my own wedding suffered for it), she is probably sick and tired of even thinking about weddings and will probably not have the energy to help in all the ways that OP helped her. Plus, she has a whole new marriage to take care of.

    3) (and most important) She needs to sit down and talk with her friend. Ask her what is going on and then listen. Actually take the friend's husband's advice and talk with her. There could be something completely unrelated to weddings happening in her life or something really easy to come to an understanding about.

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  15. Jesus christ, these comments read like a scene from Heathers. You bitches are ruthless.

    OP: if my best friend spent a year of our friendship being sulky, withholding and passive-aggressive, I'd be sad too. But honey, that's what this is about - your friendship, not your weddings or your respective bridezilla quotients. You need to put your expectations for your wedding (and her part in it) aside right now because they honestly have nothing to do with your troubles. Your friend is angry with you and you need to find out why. Otherwise, no matter how many times she blots your face or how much money she spends on your gift, it really will ruin your wedding. The thing that's hanging heavy between you two will be there at the end of the aisle and it will make you feel terrible.

    Your wedding is just one day in your very long life, my sweet and, while the marriage does matter, the party does not. Don't get it twisted.

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    1. What, you didn't read the header?

      Did you also not read the letter?

      "My FH and I have decided we should have eloped and that after we are married we don't need our friends."

      Why be nice to someone like that? Ish.

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  16. "I always said I never wanted to get married and so I never thought he would ask.

    Until he did!?!

    So of course I said yes."


    This is crazy. Seems like the first person you need to communicate better with is yourself.

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  17. Maybe your friend just doesn't give two hoots about weddings and planning them. I hated planning my wedding. It would have stressed me out to have a friend help with everything and then expect me to do the same. Could she be annoyed by all the expectations and is just handling it very very badly?

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  18. Somehow these letter writers (sad bride, crazy SIL bride, sparkly MIL bride...) always come off as jerks, even if their complaints are probably somewhat legit. I always end up siding with whomever the LW is pissed at.

    OP, that sucks that you're having issues with your best friend right when you want her to be super excited for you. She is probably not going to help out with your wedding shit.

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    1. Agreed. These letters all tend to be very badly written with missing information.

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  19. In my experience, friendships from early childhood (cough, and boyfriends/FH) don't last forever.

    I know there's plenty of people that can say otherwise, but the people you befriend when you are five often grow into much, much different people as adults (though perhaps not the case here). I grew apart from all of my childhood friends by the time I hit high school, just sayin'.

    If you're already making plans to ditch your friends post-wedding (dick move, why wait?), perhaps you need to examine WHY you are even friends now. Is it because you genuinely enjoy one another's company, share the same values, are intellectually matched? Or is it out of long-term obligation or lack of better options? Have you even explored to world, moved away, gone to college? A little perspective in the form of life experience can lend a helping hand to the hard act of breaking up with old friends (which is admittedly pretty hard to do).

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  20. OP. It sucks when you and a life-long friend aren't on the same wavelength. It's tough and it's easy to get really wound up about. But you have to take a step back, read all the above comments, and TALK TO YOUR FRIEND. Maybe you guys have grown apart? maybe you won't be such good friends in the future? maybe this is a blip because they way you have each dealt with your weddings and wedding expectations are different (and incompatible?!. Who knows. But while you will get a lot of hilarious, straight up advice writing to ESB, the best thing you can do is find out what is going in your friendship and what is going on with your friend. Once you have all the info you can make any big decisions you like. Deciding now that you won't be friends anymore but only after the wedding is out of the way, but without talking to her about it first? that is a dick move.

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  21. Jesus. That was not a well-worded comment. Sorry team.

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  22. Rule of Thumb:Buy a gift and never expect anything back... even a thank you note. That also includes favors. Makes life happier.

    Also, if your friendship has lasted 25 years and you guys have been keeping score about who is the better friend that is really shitty.

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  23. This post/problem gave me a nosebleed. Clearly the OP is OCD, clearly the bestie resented all her hovering and bagdering, clearly the bestie is exhausted from the ordeal of having OP insert herself at such high levels. Did the bestie even WANT any of that? Was she even asked?

    Talk to your friend and and stop keeping score (as per little miss deb).

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