My fiance and I have been together about five years, engaged for five months. We just bought a house together about a month ago and plan to get married next year. Earlier in our relationship, it became apparent that his sex drive is much stronger than mine. I do enjoy sex and have had the best sex of my life with this man, I just don't initiate as much as he'd like. I always get into it once we get going, but it's rarely ever my idea.
We've talked about this a few times, though it's hard for me to discuss without getting emotional because I end up feeling like a failure as a woman and a sexual being. I think it stems from some old insecurities of mine. He really can't stand it when I get very emotional, so sometimes he avoids topics he knows will set me off. At one point I thought we weren't compatible enough in terms of sex drive and he'd never propose and we'd eventually break up. But he did, and he also stopped commenting on my lack of initiation.
So recently we've settled into a routine of doing it first thing most mornings, aka not my body's favorite time to be intimate to begin with. I roll with it as enthusiastically as possible. He always seems to enjoy it and is very complimentary, especially when I give him a blow job (often).
Anyway, I was packing for a trip recently and found his secret sex toy/lube stash under a couch. Specifically, it was a butt plug. I'm not that weirded out, because I know even straight men like stimulation there, but I'm hurt that he was keeping a secret in our house, and I'm back at the feeling of failure because I'm obviously not fulfilling all his needs and he doesn't feel like he can share this with me. I have been really busy lately with work and other stuff, but we do it about four or five times a week. I know he masturbates and watches porn sometimes when he's alone, which doesn't bother me, but for some reason this strikes me as a more serious need. Am I overreacting? I am not sure how long he's had this, but it would have been harder to hide it in our apartment, which was smaller.
Should I confront him about it? Ignore it and keep with the status quo, which meets my own needs? Put my finger there next time we're doing it and see how it goes? (I think I would be open to more experimentation along these lines...) All other aspects of our relationship are awesome.
I'd open with "Hey, I found your butt plug!"
No, really. I bet he wanted you to find it.
Play with the butt plug or don't play with the butt plug. The butt plug is not the problem. The problem is "the status quo," as you put it, which sorta meets your needs but also sorta has you doling out blow jobs every morning when you'd really rather be asleep.
You love this man so much you're willing to go above and beyond in the sack (4 or 5 times a week is a LOT for most couples, trust) and he loves you so much he's willing to squelch his desire for you to initiate, but resentment will build up eventually. On both sides.
What are these "old insecurities" of yours? Have you tried talking to a therapist?
Maybe this is something you can work through, or maybe (surprise!) you two are just not sexually compatible.
But please don't commit to Mr. Libido -- for life -- while you're "feeling like a failure as a woman." Please. A ring will not make everything all better.
Amours Boudin II by Fabian Souche