Thursday, December 22, 2011

a simple request

Dear ESB

I am a long time fan of your blog, although I never thought I'd be writing to you. You seem to be able to help your readers with the most awesome dresses, rings and other advice. I don't mean to gush but you really are a fairy godmother.

I know you'll be able to help me because you are just that good.

I am planning to get married next Summer and as I'm a girl in my thirties, I should have an envy-inspiring wedding. I really think I have wasted the last 30 years by not planning for this event.  I am going to marry the most awesome guy - he's handsome, funny and runs a business making educational toys from reclaimed timber. In his spare time, he plays the drums in a band and volunteers for animal rescue. He's 6'1" and has the cutest beard.

My dress is made of fair trade, organic, carbon neutral hemp (no polyester please) in an 80s punk style. Also, there is lace, lots of lace. This is vintage, which I picked up on a (carbon-offset) trip to Belgium. I will be three months pregnant so this will help conceal my baby bump. I also have some awesome vintage killer heels that stop my dress looking like a monstrosity. I was originally thinking barefoot, but that limited my choice of wedding venue due to the risk of needle-stick injuries in public parks or beaches. Also, it would make me look really short next to my guy.

My outfit, hair, makeup, rings, venue, menu and invites are all sorted. I just need you help for one little part - I haven't found the groom as yet. I'm not too picky, other than the criteria above. 

Thanking you in advance

Your Biggest Fan

PS good luck. 

PPS ok I'm taking the piss but I think this is probably a simpler task that some of the requests that crazies send to you


You know the old saw: You'll never find the guy until you've planned the wedding.


Photo: Jessica Lange + Sam Shepard by Bruce Weber for Vanity Fair, 1984

happy happy happy, you guys. i'll see you in the new year!


  1. awwwww :) i know a guy that fits the bill, and he's single.

    but, are you willing to be a hobby farmer in veroqua, wi? because his passion is using draft horses for farming and logging.

    he also plays the banjo and has a great singing voice.

  2. Can this "bride" please start a Peanut Free Mom-esque twitter account??

  3. OH my.

    All I have to say is this: I am sad that Sam and Jessica have split up.

  4. hahaha I love that Tonia has offered up a guy

  5. i think she's marrying joe. awkward.

  6. this person will wear your skin around.

  7. Finally, a real request.

    *bow to the subitter.*

  8. I'm so thankful for the crazies out there. They make me feel normal.

  9. Wool and Misc ... "it puts the corsage on the lapel."

  10. hee hee. i'm just being naughty. good luck finding Mr. Right. :-)

  11. i miss you already.

    p.s. hands down, top three best dear esbies EVER.

  12. thank god this was a goof. i was starting to really hate this bride half way through.

  13. hahahaha. best post I've seen here yet.

  14. Loved this. Made me giggle. I was getting ready to start a rant.