Friday, December 2, 2011

The Pre-engaged...who need to grow a pair.

Dear East Side Bride,

You helped me solve this dilemma. (Thank you, the wedding is still on course for January and my niece will wear some sort of tailored pantsuit with... old school Air Jordans. Heels were Not Going To Happen.)

But now I write to you thinking-hoping-praying that you will tell me to grow a pair and speak up for myself before my own wedding shenanigans begin.

I am pre-engaged. Mr. Fabulous is one semester away from his masters degree and we plan to get engaged somewhere around graduation and marry shortly afterwards. So it's common knowledge that we are on a course for marriage. I dated a lot of losers previously, seriously *I* should start a blog. So I am ever so happy I met a man who makes me smile, all I want to do is marry the crap out of him and have his babies. 

In my dating years I befriended a woman who had dated one of my exes. The dude is long gone, but we became friends. When she married her own Mr. Fabulous she asked me to be her bridesmaid and I said yes. Something I regret it, because even though I liked her I didn't feel I was a super-close friend worthy of being a bridesmaid. I just don't feel a closeness for her and most of the time I'm holding her at bay while she invades on too much of my life. She's moved in on making my friends her friends and I just allow it because it's easier to let her have her way than to say no. Last year she declared she was going to plan my birthday party, and yes I allowed it to happen.

There's this constant comparison thing she does that drives me crazy. When our mutual friend had a baby she asked "How many times have you seen the baby?" She compares our weight loss, our hair... (the last time I saw her she had cut her hair short and regrets it... so several times during the evening she kept touching my hair and admiring it. Really lady!!!??) She wanted to see pictures of men I dated and commented on if they were good-looking and asked about how much money they made. If it could be compared, she measures it. Perhaps the root of this is that she dated the same loser right after I did and he screwed her over several times in a year while I just dumped him after a few months.

With this new relationship blossoming I began to take inventory of my friendships and distanced myself from her. I did not want her involved with the details of how good things are going. She became Really Offended that she was not one of the first to meet my new guy.... and things got worse when I told her it was because I was not interested in getting her approval. (See? I can speak up sometimes.) We're on ok terms now, but I'm always doing my best to avoid seeing her and sharing too much with her. I don't want to hurt her but I really want to bail on this friendship. 

Nutshell: she thinks we're besties, and we're not.

She asked if I was going to get married, and I answered her truthfully. Her next question, without skipping a beat "Can I help plan it?"

She's a powerful, bossy, get shit done kind of girl, and would most likely make a great planner/helper.... but I just don't want her involved.

Tell me how to maneuver this situation, and if you cuss a lot it would be really helpful. I like it when you do that.

Yours Truly,
Girl With No Cajones


Life is too short to waste ANY TIME hanging out with ANYONE you don't like.

We both know you've got a pair. So reach down, grab them, and tell this woman, "NO. Actually, Mr. Fabulous and I really want to plan the wedding on our own."

or "NO. I asked Ms. Somebodyorother to be my Maid of Honor, and you know how possessive she gets."


Photo by Ezra Petronio for self service magazine


  1. that bitch be CRAZY. she touches your hair?! get away from her. quick.

  2. on one hand, it's nice that she admires you. but esb is soooo right- life is TOO SHORT! hang out with people you like.

  3. I realized I usually only comment when I disagree with the advice given, so, for the sake of good blog karma (and because I do really like esb), I just wanted to say that I whole-heartedly agree with this advice. The last thing you want whilst planning your wedding is to be bossed around by someone you don't like. You KNOW she would be the biotch who makes you have a 6-tier wedding cake when all you really want is a donut bar.

    ~Stop Me if You've Heard This One

  4. What Celia said. Don't even get me started on hair-touchers. (I wish I were joking, I'm not.) Drop this girl like a hot potato (those things are seriously hot) -- life is way way way too short to waste time on one-uppers and people who do not make you feel good. Seriously. Because that's what friends do -- they make you feel good, and if someone doesn't do that (I mean in the warm-fuzzy-I'm-awesome way, not creepy or materially), cut them out.

  5. Totally agree with ESB! I had a "friend" like this. At the time when we were "besties," she actually cut her hair short, EXACTLY like mine, and she proceeded to sleep with not one but TWO of my exes. Eew. After the 2nd time I learned of the ex-fucking-factor, I ran away FAST. I stopped all communication with her, didn't return her calls, emails, FB messages. I didn't have "a talk" with her either. I simply CUT HER OFF, cold turkey. It was all too Single White Female for me.

    Also, am I the only one who is *slightly* concerned with The Fast-Track To Wedding Planning before the man has *actually* proposed. Why the rush? Let your man have his moment - then go into planning-mode. Just my two cents!

  6. I choose to end a friendship with a girl who viewed me as a bestie (the feeling was not mutual). I think laying down the law with one of ESBs comments will only have short term benefit, and also probably result in short to long term drams. Cutting her off may work, but some people are clueless and if she really views you as a best friend she will probably try in every way to connect with you to figure out what happened. My advice, break up with this girl. There is actually a lot of good information on the interwebs about ending toxic friendships. What I would suggest--call her or meet in person (not in writing), tell her that you were once close and there are a lot of things you appreciate about her but the friendship is no longer working for you, there is nothing she can do to change that, and you think it is best to go your separate ways. She will probably press for details (which wouldn't benefit either of you) or say hurtful things about you--just keep making the same points and take the higher road until the convo is over. This approach takes way more lady nads than ignoring her or saying how you feel about specific things here and there.

  7. Agreed! It sounds like not only are you *not* besties, but you don't even *like* her.

  8. esb= you are my hero.


    No that that's out of the way, grow a pair of labia (my new favorite phrase), find some tact and just tell her no, and that you already have that covered. And if she asks from now, you say yes b/c you want to get a head start. Lie, if you have to. Sheesh.

  10. @Nicole, I don't think she's fast tracking planning. The OP knows she's going to marry the guy and the "friend" is trying to get involved way ahead of the game.

  11. Is anyone else kind of picturing the absurdity of Rose Byrne's character from "Bridesmaids" with this? Except this woman sounds way crazier.

    Stand up for yourself. Easier now than after, you know, you're *actually* engaged. Cut off ties now, not for the sake of the wedding that actually isn't planned yet, but for your sake.

  12. weird friends be weird frineds.

    adios, weirdo.

    and honestly, it's better for her. optimistically, she'll start figuring it day....

  13. i think it's possible to be friendly with this woman without completely cutting her off and hurting her feelings.

    but it would involve moving to a new town and only communicating with a cheerful monthly email or random text.

    i think Allyson said it best with "adios, weirdo".

  14. I love Celia's comment. That hair-touching-thing is creepso.

  15. Does anyone else notice the Jennifer Jason Leighness? Any girlfriends who can help deflect the crazypants for you will be key.

    The hair touching seriously freaks me out.

  16. To be honest, I think you're the bitch. Who lets people think they their besties when they aren't? She actually seems to care about you despite your lack of a spine.

    So along with everyone else: you should break the friendship off, because she deserves a better friend than you.

  17. @Anon 12:05 HAIR-PETTER, IS IT YOU??

  18. Haha, no, I'm sure I haven't been petting any friends' hair. I just feel bad for this friend, she obviously cares about the bride and this girl is writing crap about her online.

    It all sounds a little over dramatic to me: getting upset over a friend asking to help with a wedding before she's even engaged. I have no sympathy for this ball-less bride.

  19. Nah, I actually think this is a person who is likely very aware of how her friend feels about her, and who insists on being over-friendly because it makes her feel powerful and alpha-dog in the situation, even though that's most a result of the letter writer's willingness to roll over and take it. Sometimes these women are fun to have in your life; often they become total emotional vampires.

    I would say take a hybrid approach: first, be brutally honest and tell her that she's come on way too strong and that you're not going to be including her in the wedding planning. Full stop. No wedding party, no DJ, no catering-tasting.

    Let the dust settle for a while and see how you feel about her; it sounds like she's a leftover friend, someone you're not sure you want to keep in your life, and some distance might make you miss her (aww) or be glad that you took your space.

  20. I'm the original poster...and I totally wasn't expecting the hair-touching to be such an attention-grabber. It happened the last time I saw and her and it did creep me out.

    Growing a pair of labia sounds like a great idea Miss Georgia, thank you!

    ..and to summarize what other comments I read so far: yes, I've been spineless and she does deserve a friend who likes her I know it's not me anymore.

    esb, you still rock.