Monday, December 14, 2009
Dear ESB: I was a total bitch
So i was just going through some of your old posts - I'm bored at work, and you always have rad pictures to entertain me - and I found this one.
To begin with, my answer is "no i never thought about it, which I think is why it stressed me out to the nth degree trying to plan a wedding in 6 months".
But my question to you is about how you say in that post "But I definitely saw a side of myself that startled me on occasion." and what that means. Because that is how i think of my wedding planning and especially the week before the wedding. I made some extremely stupid decisions and acted completely out of character. (I was a total bitch.) And now that it's all over and 9 months have passed I still feel pangs of guilt about how I behaved.
For example, I was so stressed and overwhelmed and frustrated that it reached the point where my mother didn't even talk to me on the day of the wedding until right before the ceremony. And 2 weeks after the wedding my best friend said "you're so lucky i fucking love you so fucking much, because you were a fucking nightmare".
Is this what you meant, or similar to what you went through? And if so did you feel guilty after it all and how did you resolve it? I'm not assuming you were as bad as me.
Don't get me wrong, i loved our wedding, and from the moment after I took my first step down the aisle everyone, including me, had a huge amount of fun (i have photos to prove it, including heaps of my mum with a massive grin on her face).
I just feel a little sad about how much of a shit i was.
I had more than a few moments I'm not proud of.
During the cocktail hour(s) I screamed WHAT ARE THOSE DOING HERE?! when I noticed that someone had "helpfully" brought bottles of water over from the rehearsal picnic and plopped them down on the bar. Obviously beverages were supposed to be drunk out of mason jars. (This was not the Speidi wedding, mkay?) A friend calmly stepped in and stashed the waters, though not before I tried to get behind the bar myself, nearly snagging my dress on a nearby bush.
I won't even go into the retarded fights H-town and I had during the planning phase.
But no, I didn't feel guilty about my behavior after the wedding was over. You shouldn't either. As a wise lady once told me, "Float it down the river of zen."
And maybe frame a photo of you and your mum from the wedding to give her as a christmas present. Preferably with one of those massive grins on her face.
Image from Ariana Page Russell's Skin series via me melodia