Monday, November 14, 2011

my best friend's wedding

I know this blog is usually pro brides and grooms, but
I have a wedding to break up and I need to say it all with a dress.
your readers are cool with that, right?

so, yeah yeah. i know some of your commenters are gonna balk, "i shouldn't even go, if i don't support the marriage"
"glad you're not my friend" but let's be serious ladies, your man has women in his life he'd like to fuck and vice versa. you do too (if you'll cop to it).
so let's just get over the whole, sanctity of marriage for a second, and remember we also live by natural laws.

to keep this shit short. groom is a life long friend, who i love dearly - maybe not marriage, dearly - but
we at least should've hooked up in all the time we've known each other - never did (which of course, means whatever sexual subtext is btwn us, has never been buried)

BUT to be completely honest & objective, he shouldn't marry this girl. and it's not just me who thinks this, but many of his other close friends (and yes, male friends think this too).
the bride put on the full court press to get her marriage (she even gave him an ultimatum). and groom was raised a solid southern (slightly feeble-minded) christian boy, so he caved.
i know that the union is bullshit, but i'm not the type of person to tell someone, what they need to do - and force my will upon them.
if he needs the life lesson of stepping into this pile of merde, he's going to have to suffer the consequences, like any grown man who makes shat decisions.

but i will stand by him. in a big black motherfucking mourning dress.

i will smile at the bride, and when i dance with the groom, i'll have a knowing look on my face.
i realize this probably makes me out to be, all the disney villains combined. and i'm okay with that. i need to step into that chapel like an arctic breeze and freeze that bride cold.
my hope is that, he'll get one brief glimpse of the truth of this farce marriage, which will eventually be the seed of its future destruction. 

but anywho!

about the dress.
i don't know if it's an afternoon or evening wedding. but it doesn't really matter, cause i'll be wearing a big black motherfucking mourning dress.
i've got a good figure, but i don't want the dress to be ho-ish as much as i need it to be, death death villain doom-bringer (under $250) hah

please send me your most destructive


i'm on board with this, weirdly.

not with the whole breaking-up-the-wedding part, which is not rly what you're trying to do.

but FUCK YEAH with the wearing a death death villain dress while you're standing up there beside him.

would leather be too much??

it doesn't exactly say mourning.

how bout this Kimberly Taylor gown?

with a pair of doom-bringer pumps (obvio), it might be just the thing.

Photo at top by Victoria Zeoli via Dazed Digital

man i love this blog.


  1. I think what you need here is a hat. A black mourning hat with netting. Maybe not quite as veil-y as this oneso it doesn't look like you are trying to upstage the bride, something closer to this.

  2. This may be too va-va-voom with the open back, but the hood certainly helps you with the mourning feeling and you would look like a total badass

  3. What about the Kimberly Taylor dress with a hat (think Jackie at JFK's funeral) and evil high shoes with 3/4-length black gloves? (vintage, to crush down) Too much? It would certainly send a non-amiguous message!

    I actually love the first hat from @danae ... really appropriate here, message - wise. The second one is too prim.

  4. "i know that the union is bullshit, but i'm not the type of person to tell someone, what they need to do - and force my will upon them."

    But you are the type of person who will attend a wedding in a big weedy sack of a dress that screams I HATE THIS and try to draw down the wedding's attempt at good vibes?

    If you hate this relationship and are rooting for them to fail, that's hella lame, and yeah, you probably shouldn't go. Or you should at least make your point in a way that's less showboaty and more direct. Write him a letter, dial down your super-awesome/never-fucked (!!) friendship, and realize that if you are, in fact, friends, he's going to make choices that you don't like.

    And if you do actually attend the wedding, why not just get a teeshirt made up that says "I DO NOT SUPPORT THIS" and spend the whole ceremony chain-smoking on the steps of the church?

  5. I just can't understand the concept of showing up in a mourning dress if he has no idea that people don't approve of the union? Or does he know but it is just unsaid? I understand not wanting to assert your will or tell him what to do, but I would have found it very bizarre if a friend of mine had shown up in mourning and I had no idea why...

  6. I've gotta agree with Kaitlyn. Whatever message you're trying to send via the doom-and-gloom dress, your friend isn't going to get it. (Most men don't do subtlety.) And besides, if you really cared about him, you'd talk to him honestly and directly about why he's marrying this girl.

  7. this is just too hilarious. Love the ASOS dress via Chelsea. The hood is practically comical.

    Gloves might help bring it to the next level.

  8. I don't understand why you'll send an email to a blogger asking for help, along with concocting a "villainous" plan to wear black, but you aren't assertive enough to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with a guy you claim is your best friend?

    There's a saying in Texas: All hat and no cattle.

    And that's pretty much the vibe I'm getting here. And I'm with whoever said "He won't understand why you're wearing black." What's the point other than for a good story later? If you care about him, tell him the truth, then let him make the decision. Then wear the black if you really think it's a good idea.

  9. as far as the dresses go, the hooded one is out of this world. but i agree with a few of the other ladies--maybe you should have a sit-down chat with your friend or write him a letter if you feel so strongly about this. why wish a divorce on him when it's possible that he would reconsider getting married in the first place?

  10. The hooded one would be a win, but I have to say this sounds a little ridiculous. First off, because your comma usage is a mess. Second, because you are copping out by trying to say what you want with a black dress instead of just growing a pair, being the friend you claim to be, and telling him the truth. I agree with my Texas friend up yonder. All hat and no cattle.

  11. i'm conflicted about this because i like the challenge of finding this dress, but i think it is possible that you're too caught up in this and doing something you might regret.

    you're not going to break up a wedding with a dress. the most likely outcome is that you'll embarrass yourself and everyone will forget about it a couple of weeks later. at worst, you'll ruin their wedding and lose a friend (and also embarrass yourself). either way, you're drawing a lot of attention to yourself at an event that is not about you, so think about all possible outcomes before you do it.

    you know your friend so you could be right about this, but spend at least a little bit of time considering the idea that you might not be right about this and what that will mean for you if you do this dress thing.

    either way, as tempting as it may be to do this... it would be better and more effective to be a friend to your friend, not an asshole to everyone who actually buys into this wedding.

  12. There's no real message in black at a wedding anymore. I'm all for wearing a kickass black dress that makes you feel awesome. And if it's for you to make you feel better yourself and about going and having a good time at the wedding then that's cool.

    If it's about sending a message, the others are correct that it's unlikely to work. And if it does work then you're unlikely to stay friends with this couple (or even just the groom). If you actually look villainous people will just think you're cray cray and wonder why you're acting like the wedding is some kind of goth costume party.

    Also, the whole sexual tension that you perceive with the groom sounds troubling.

    Really, it just sounds like you have a big old crush on this guy and you're jealous.

    Jealousy is common. Jealousy also commonly results in regrettable behavior. Maybe reconsider exactly who is going to have regrets about this wedding.

    And lady, speak now or forever hold your peace.

  13. I really like all of these dresses, but I also don't really think that this will tell anyone anything about the marriage, I think it say more to people about YOU. No one is going to read anything into your message, they are just going to think that you are a little nutty, and rude. I actually don't see what is wrong with wearing black to a wedding. but trying to make a scene of yourself with some big statement on a day that people have put a lot of time and money into, whether you agree with it or not, is rude. If you need to tell the guy something, tell him.

    I have to say, though, I didn't understand why you felt the need to bring up the sex, or no sex part of your relationship with him. I kind of wonder if it is your feelings you are worried about here more than his well being.

  14. Sorry for your loss. You should've jumped his bones when you had the chance! Now it's time to step aside, and let him go. For better or worse, it's his decision; he's a big boy. I'm advising against "the talk," because his mind is made up. Moving on...

    You need a sex bomb dress, not a mourning gown. You want to look HOT, totally UNMARRIED and loving it. After all, his groomsmen are still fair game. Here are my picks for you:

    With Hearts in My Eyes Somer Dress

    Bing Bang and Holy Tee Column Dress

    Minx Cut-out Dress

    Or the Nova Lee Crochet Dress .

    Good luck! xo.

  15. this post should've been called 'F4BBMFMD'

  16. This isn't as complicated as you're making it. Take him out, screw his brains out, then wear a sexy non-ho dress to the wedding. He's a dude, we don't understand hints.

    If he turns you down you'll learn something about the wedding. If he screws you he'll learn something about the wedding.

  17. @nicole she said she didn't want to look like a HO

  18. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!? WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE A CHILD???? this is so inappropriate. i'm just going to be the crazy villain doom-bringer commenter here, since everyone is being so polite. if he wanted to have sex with you, he probably would've had sex with you. sounds like he had about five billion years to put the moves on you. get over it. HE IS MARRYING SOMEONE ELSE. who cares if you don't approve? it's not your wedding, so tone down the totally needless cruella deville needless drama and sit the fuck down. since you don't care about the sanctity of marriage, then nurse a cocktail, look at some comforting divorce statistics, and stay at home.

    i can't believe you say you're "standing by him." you're trying to ruin his wedding. not only is this DAY not about you, but his entire life is not about you.

    sorry that this comment is so aggressive, but YOU SOUND LIKE A NIGHTMARE OF A FRIEND.


  19. needless x 2...whoops.

  20. word, anon 8:33. i vote to bounce this one to MMOHIAC.

  21. Oh look, here's another cape mini for much cheaper.

    Or how about a tight black skirt with a burgundy lace top? No bra required.

    Also, love these Cheetah Jezebel pumps. Nothing says unrequited desire/desperate cougar like animal print. Plus there's the corset lacing to symbolize, you know, the ties that will bind your friend into sexual commitment to his wife, forever.

    Something with a train would be EVEN BETTER. Here's a black crush velvet dress with a little bitty train.

    Gotta wear red lipstick, of course. I recommend the MAC shade "So Chaud." Black nails, obvs.

    And last but not least, make sure to request the right song when you dance. "It's no good" by Depeche Mode is apropos, no?

  22. oh nos, what happened to the first part of my comment? it disappeared.
    oh well-- I can paraphrase:

    A link to to a more expensive cape dress on Bonadrag and al ink to some goofy lacy thigh highs on Nasty Gal, along with the comment that
    A) your point will be missed by the groom
    B) your point will be missed by everyone else, too
    C) if wearing crazy villain clothes makes you better able to cope with unrequited lust and your disapproval, then go for it. embarrass yourself or not. it isn't a wedding without shenanigans, right?

  23. what rob said. it sounds like you really want to fuck this guy, and you're panicking because the window is closing. do what you want, but you'll have to live with it.

    frankly, you sound a little immature, and this whole sitch sounds like a shitty rom-com, but what do i know.

  24. ps. i don't see how your wearing a sexy black dress is going to "freeze that bride cold". she sounds pretty self-centered, so i doubt she'll notice you.

    this whole performance sounds like self-important masturbation. if you really want to break up this wedding, GROW SOME FUCKING LABIA AND SAY SOMETHING.

  25. He will choose his future wife over you every time, nothing you do will matter at this wedding. It is not about you. The absolute best you can hope for is making a fool of yourself. Either don't go to their day or work on your attitude.


  26. @ Amy

    So true. Unless this is that god-awful movie Something Borrowed.

  27. If this guy is as much as a dumb-dumb goodie-goodie as you've made him out to be, shouldn't you have been able to seduce him already? (Am I right in picturing this guy is basically Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock?)

  28. This "freeze the bride cold" shit is ridiculous. Are you twelve?

    The wedding isn't about you, and you're not being a villain, you're being a baby. If you're so sure he's making a bad choice, wait for them to break up and swoop in to nail him. (Oh, will he not be quite so interesting then? Shame.)

  29. This comment has been removed by the author.

  30. Hang on..... isn't this the plot of "my best friend's wedding"?!

    God, I hate that film.

  31. Black is tired. Wanna make a real statement? Wear white!

  32. In TOTAL agreement with Anon@ 8:33AM. Official poster: Get over yourself. And, Jesus Christ, learn how to write. How old are you, 13?

  33. When ladies fight over a dude, the ladies don't win - no matter what the dress.

    That being said, when my first love married someone else, I wore camo and I still love myself for it (at his cousin's wedding - not his).

  34. You do realize you sound totally fucking batshit, right? Maybe he never fucked you because you're CRAZAAAAY?

  35. All that aside, the Sara Berman needs to be in my closet now, please.

  36. "and groom was raised a solid southern (slightly feeble-minded) christian boy, so he caved."

    does groom know you talk about him like he's a weak-ass yokel behind his back? it sounds like you don't respect him as a person or as a you don't have any right to say shit about who he decides to marry.

    sack up. talk to him, seduce him, etc...if he's so "feeble minded" you can talk him/fuck him out of deciding to marry this lady BEFORE the actual wedding and save everyone a lot of ass-ache.

  37. anon 8:33 said it best.

    and also, if you're going to be a total bitch at the wedding, I agree with anon 10:03--wear white, not black. everyone will get that message (which is so obvious from your email) which is "I wish he was marrying (or at least fucking) me!!!!"

  38. Dear Villainess Doom-Bringer,

    You sound like a real loser. Stop being such a jealous baby.

    All of Us

  39. If you feel this strongly that he is making a mistake you should talk with him about it, wayyyyy before the wedding.

    Its extremely unlikely that what you wear to or how you act at the wedding will affect if they get married that day. More likely it will make the bride, and possibly the groom, despise you and ruin any friendship you might have maintained with this guy.

    Be a real friend and bring up your concerns directly to him. Not in some passive aggressive way that won't endear you to anyone or have the results you want.

  40. Oh, one other note:
    If a friend or ex of my husband had shown up in a white dress to our wedding (and I thought it was a statement about our marriage) I probably would have brought it up to my husband and had him ask her to leave. And if he was uncomfortable with that (since hes a much nicer person than me and always sees the best in people), I would have done it myself or asked my sister to do it.

    On that day you don't want people around you who don't support you.

  41. You are hilarious. I recommend leather for sure, something dominatrix-y sells it.

  42. Hooded dress, with this to accessorise. Sends the message loud and clear.

  43. I love it when esb-ers get all riled up.

    Especially when they band together and call bullshit bullshit ... and then also supply the appropriate gear to boot!

  44. Favorite suggestions so far:

    1. Team Rob. try to screw him.
    2. Sit on the steps and smoke with the "i'm not for this union" t-shirt.
    3. Wear white.

    oh, also, obvs the best idea is to talk to him. obvs.
    maybe not the favorite in terms of entertainment value, but you're kinda looking for that bang for the buck.

  45. This letter is hilarious, some of you gals are taking it a wee bit too srsly.

    Here's another hooded dress I "hearted" it on Etsy ages ago which is strange because it's not really the kind of thing I would actually buy. Perhaps I had a premonition of this post? I like that the suggested accessories are either a cigarette holder or a cat.

    If you really want to freak her out, you should def wear a black veil no need to worry about subtlety there!

  46. Wow. Just wow. I had to read this letter to my husband for its sheer entertainment value. That said, these are obviously the ramblings of a lunatic.

  47. The long and silent pause after I read Anon 8:33 (it's like a Bible verse at this point) made me lol. And then I lol'd at the writer of this letter. Man, it's like an episode of Gossip Girl.

    You want to piss her off? Then wear white and get over it. Tons of people wear black to weddings. Jfc, some people, can't shit on their own.

  48. LOL I meant "Jfc, some people, can't do shit on their own." but that works just as well.

  49. I already added my snark and came back hoping to see some more hot dresses! I've been obsessed with this
    for a while now
    This Asos is a little insane but I dig the built in straight jacket look it has going on.
    And, just for fun, this is probably the craziest thing you could wear and still kinda pull it off. And by this I mean scaring the shit out of the poor bride.

  50. "i realize this probably makes me out to be, all the disney villains combined."

    No, it actually makes you sound like a pathetic psycho.

    "i need to step into that chapel like an arctic breeze and freeze that bride cold."

    I see, because it's all about you

    'my hope is that, he'll get one brief glimpse of the truth of this farce marriage'

    Hopefully, he'll be focused on his wedding, the wedding that seriously, no one held a gun to his head and made him go through with.

    Cross your legs and wait for them to get divorced. And shut the fuck up.

    ESB, I can't believe you condone this bullshit.

  51. @lauren would Steve be willing to accompany her to the wedding?

  52. please tell me you or at least one of his friends has told him that marrying this girl is a bad idea? or is this all meant to be conveyed with the black dress?

  53. um srsly? Eff the fashion dilemma, this chica bo-bica should not attend the wedding if she is so against it. Talk about a debbie downer capital B-otch. But if she can lighten up and realize it's not about her then I say she wears something fun, (not dark and depressing) I mean ya never know who your gonna meet at a wedding? maybe mr.or mrs right now will be there (what ever floats your boat).....and together they can dance the night away. she should prep herself for that instead of acting as the wedding grim reaper.

  54. but really, a good friend would have the heart to heart.

  55. I'm dying. Growing labia and bad comma usage! This one is gold.

  56. I "second" Rob's idea.

    And if you go to the wedding - wear Red, that's way sexier than black.

    So many people wear black to weddings, it doesn't make a statement. BUT red - bright, sexy, red - that makes a statement.

  57. Thank you anon 8:33!

    1. You are a really bad friend :(
    2. You sound toxic.
    3. Please have some class and stay home.
    4. Cry over your loss and find your own.

    **I feel sad for you. Envy sucks.

  58. i bet neither the bride nor the groom are going to notice/care what you're wearing that day (that whole "not about you" thing about that day, and all). they may look at photos and laugh at you later, but the married couple will be in their own bliss bubble that day. even people who secretly know they're doing the wrong thing seem to really enjoy their wedding day. that probably seems weird to you, doesn't it?

  59. Look- just sit down with the guy & have a drink & ask him how he's doing.

    If he is comfortable with you & trusts you, likely he will tell you the truth.

    If the truth is he loves the chick & is so excited to marry her you should either not attend the wedding or grow up & paste a smile on your face and support your friend.

    If the truth involves doubts and feelings of terror about marring his girl you should still (of course) support him, and maybe then get some other folks on board to help let him know it is ok to back out.

    But mostly: YOU SHOULD SUPPORT HIM. Like a FRIEND does.

    And lots of us have unrealized sexual chemistry with our friends. Didn't you ever see "When Harry Met Sally"???

  60. this totally sounds like 'my best friend's wedding.' that movie, btw, was essentially a romantic comedy, which usually means the main character gets what she wants no matter how unrealistic that may be. even so, julia roberts lost the guy at the end of that movie. just sayin'.

  61. You're a bit of a cunt.

  62. There is nothing cute or funny about this. Remember, karma's only a bitch if you are.

  63. Sad, pathetic and passive aggressive.

    This is the sort of thinking that might, might pass if you were 14 years old and some batch snogged your male BFF at the school disco, but in a fully grown woman? Oh dear.

  64. I can only assume you are really young. This MUST be a fresh out of college wedding? cause, honey it screams of you needing to get a life. get over it, you didn't get the guy. and believe me - he would have fucked you while he could, if he really wanted to.

    (they will laugh at you later in the pictures)

  65. anon 6:05 -- i thought the same thing. and good point about being the butt of a joke down the road. EEK.

  66. wait:

    "i need to step into that chapel like an arctic breeze and freeze that bride cold"

    HAHAHAhaha. Oh my god. My guess is that when you imagine this scenario, there is some bad-ass soundtrack playing in your head.

    Seriously, this is an excellent "the world does not revolve around you" lesson. Learn it.

  67. I can only imagine how much time you spent on this submission, trying to make it sound as bad-ass as possible. Sweetie, you are so completely delusional it's downright hilarious. You should probably inform people when they meet you that they need to clear all life decisions with you before following through.

    I'm sorry you vag is sad from the lack of action over the years, but he would have tried to fuck you by now if he wanted to; it's kind of how guys work.

    Good luck "freezing the bride cold" as everyone laughs behind your back/in your face at your childish antics.

  68. I have a bit of sap to add to all the snark. (I know I'm late with this comment, but I hope not so late that the author of the email doesn't see it.)

    I too used to revel and scheme in self-awesome bitchiness, and I thought I was very cute and amusing for it. Throughout high school and college I too thought I could shimmy into a profile like "all the disney villains combined" but actually... I was just Avril Lavigne, and you are too.

    It's okay, we all go through our personal growing pains, but I am saying out of all sincerity and kindness that this is silly, and you and your friends and your family (but mostly you) will be happier and cooler with a little humility, a little shift of focus from yourself to others, a little reality check.

    Don't be an Avril Lavigne. Be compassionate, be real with yourself, be respectful of the decisions other people have made about their own lives. I promise you will ultimately look, feel and be actually awesome.

  69. +1 Julie.

    speaking as a recently christened bride, I can tell you, I can hardly remember what anyone else was wearing (and just now noticed some pretty terrific shoes my bridesmaids were wearing now that pics are in). the bridesmaids, mind you, who were wearing black, mostly low-cut dresses. the hubs even had two groomswomen who are both married and probably wanted to jump his bones in high school and one who joked about "the sweet taste of adultery" the next night. OMG SHOULD I WORRY!?

    the bride and groom have so much going on that your petty stunt will mean nada.

    I'll use a phrase I first read here (yes, in ESB comments) and ovary up. talk to him. he'll probably storm off, and then if you've already bought the dress for the wedding, wear it to a drag show and drink your miseries away with a sympathetic queen. (okay, definitely a rom com script now.)

    but if you must be a couple of Disney villians (evil stepmother and Snow White's villainess come to mind), that Minx Cut-Out dress (a la nicole) is my choice. wowza.