he doesn't want babies after all.

dearest esb,

I just wanted first of all to say thank you, and even though you are an evil club of mean, hipster brides, I have thought of you as my friends, inspiration and source of much merriment in the last three or so years of my engagement... 

and here we get to the tricky part. My FH and I are parting ways. We are still very much in love and respect each other deeply, however, FH, or maybe I should say NFH (no-longer future husband), has decided he does not want babies after all. Which is something I can not compromise on in the least... This does in a way, make the whole decision a little easier... I mean it is not as if you can strike a balance and have half a baby.... but it does not make it any less complicated having to picture a life with out the soul mate I thought I would spend the rest of my life with... 

I try super tremendously hard to maintain a positive spin on this ... I am planning like a mo-fo... trips to Paris; a change of town; lots of galleries, wine bars and society after moving to a tiny Australian town with the man. But it is hard; hard to laugh when my awesome older brother tells me he's getting engaged to his amazing girl... difficult to keep smiling when the students at my school keep asking me when the wedding is and where their invites are (super sweet really)... tremendously complicated when I think of the plans and decisions we had made... (we had named our first born son in hypothetical land and talked about all of this before anyone thinks this was rushed into or glossed over.. the decision was recent and out of the blue..) 

and I could probably list one hundred or so more instances that make me falter in my daily flight, but it is not hard to visit ESB and giggle. In fact it is a daily check for me during some down time at work. I love the outrageous responses and questions. I like the catharsis and acerbic wit, the vicarious joy of yay or naying. It is one of the few survivors of what is at best a time of vast change and growth... and it does give me pause to keep looking ahead, yeah that dress is funky and flash, and there may be a day when I'm looking again, and to be honest to myself I hope so. 

So thank you for the smiles and glimpses of new

*****

Lady, I'm so proud of you. Both of you.

There would be fewer divorces if everyone did this kind of soul-searching before they tied the knot.

xoxoxxxxx.

Tiny Vipers by David Belisle via Claire Cottrell via jen causey
______________________________

Incidentally, did you guys see the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy on Thurs? I shouted at my TV: "THANK YOU, SHONDA!" when they depicted (onscreen, on network TV!) a strong, successful, married woman choose to put her feet up in the stirrups and have an abortion rather than carry to term a child she didn't want.

Her decision was of course complicated by the fact that her husband did want kids (something they didn't discuss before they got married).

Anyhoo.

Introducing the MOHAWK of wedding dresses

(I mean, if this one is the mullet.)

Ivory Serpent Dress by Lover at Bona Drag

intimates? nope.

Our Minnesota Groom Style Expert took the bait and emailed me a wee follow-up to this morning's post:

The problem with asking for sexaay intimates for men, superfluous vowels notwithstanding, is that it doesn’t really exist in the same form that it does for women (well, it does, but I’ve been to the markets for that category, and it definitely ranks as the most awkward series of appointments I’ve ever had).

In men’s clothing world it all gets classified as loungewear, and in that arena there are actually some pretty cool things. We deal with a brand called American Essentials that makes all sorts of robes and pants out of pretty nice fabrics. In particular, there is a collection of silk cotton blends that come in understated colors that I think are sort of what the initial inquiry was geared towards. There is also a British brand called Derek Rose that’s definitely a bit more stuffy, but they still make some really beautiful robes and other things. I also just found out about a pair of sister brands the other day called etiquette clothiers and united brief that actually sound sort of interesting. They’re new, so I don’t know if you can actually buy them anywhere yet.

Regarding everything else, there isn’t a shortage of cool socks, but I really don’t know how socks get sexy. And I think if someone is looking for sock garters, there will not be a lot of options available (It should be noted that socks made today stay up by themselves. Yay technology.) Instead of aftershave look for proper fragrances. I’m fairly certain, given the evidence presented in the store, that girls want their boys to smell like Carthusia Uomo. There are a ton of other options, so just be sure to avoid the fragrance counter at whatever mid-level department store and the gentleman in question won't smell like every other guy one should happen to smell.

And lastly, the Cannabis scent from Malin + Goetz is our best-selling candle.  It’s kind of amazing.

Sorry this took a bit - I got sidetracked imagining Max’s response. Let me know if you need anything else.

Best Regards,
Sam Fehrenbach

Sock + Sock Garter Porn courtesy of Etiquette Clothiers. (Clearly my reader is not the only one with a fetish.)

Seeking: sexaay intimates for a hipster boy

Dear ESB,

Where does a straight man go for some sexaay intimates? Undies, a robe, non-gross aftershave, maybe even some cool socks and sock garters (OK, sock garters are my thing, and he probably won't want to wear them, but still...)? 

I know everyone's definition of what constitutes "sexy" underthings is different, but you know the kind of shit your readers tend to like. Something that's not Hanes His Way, but that's also not a thong or a pair of over-sized purple silk boxers pre-scented with Axe body spray. Something that says he's scrubbed, stylin', and went out of his way to look nice for you. 

Are there one-stop-shop places for intimates for hipster guys, like there are for gals? Or is my man (and me too) SOL? 

PS: Honeymoon is in Hawaii so no super-heavy fabrics

THANKS, LADY!

*****

Sock garters are your thing?

Do the rest of you have bizarre fetishes i ought to know about??

THERE IS NO COOL PLACE THAT SELLS SOCK GARTERS.

As far as a one stop shop for hipster boys, Steven Alan is about as close as you can get. (And when you say "hipster," I assume you mean yipster, because hipsters don't scrub all that often. Obviously.)

Steven Alan isn't carrying pajama bottoms at the moment, which kills me because the pair I bought for H last year are SO BEST, but I assume their boxers are just as good.

And I like the sound of the manly apothecary items they carry, like Citrus/Ginger Sea Salt Spray + Sea Kelp/Clary Sage Bath Salt.

H is also a huge fan of Malin + Goetz, especially the Peppermint Shampoo, Cilantro Hair Conditioner and Bergamot Body Wash.

I really ought to buy him the Cannabis Candle ("addictive and sexy")!



Realizing I sorta didn't fully answer your question. Oh well. I got a little pre-Christmas brainstorming done.

Photo: February 12, 1909, "James Clarke, winner of Brooklyn Marathon, with others," 5x7 glass negative, George Grantham Bain Collection via Shorpy

1999, who knew??

I thought you might enjoy a few more images from Arthur Elgort's 1999 Vogue shoot that inspired this bride.

Pointy-toed pumps are happening again right now.

Which leads me to wonder... Would these Zara booties be too much with the Chanel knockoff? Er, HOMAGE.

+

Not to beat a dead horse or anything.

Audrey Marnay photographed by Arthur Elgort + styled by Grace Coddington for Vogue USA, March 1999 via Dust Jacket Attic

Hey Lady: I'VE GOT A CHART FOR YOU

Please note: this data was not gathered "scientifically." Also, I'm pretty sure the chart is not to scale.

♥

The Results Are In

65% of you DO NOT approve of this dress for a wedding (or period, really).

Shall we compose a letter to the ladies of Rodarte?

HERE'S A FUCKING DRESS FOR YOU

Dear ESB,

I'm having some trouble finding the perfect wedding shoes.

Just to give you the vibe of my wedding style (the big day is Jan 14, 2012), let me show off my dress and the ring I'm hoping to surprise my future husby with!

As you can see, this dress (which will be a true white) needs some knock-out shoes to go with it. Both the ceremony and reception are going to be held in an art gallery in Santa Barbara and the current plan is color blocking for the bridesmaids.

Anyway, I've attached a photo of some booties that Mary Katrantzou and Christian Louboutin recently collaborated on.

I think they would be perfect for my wedding, but I'm positive they're light years out of my price range. They're captioned as "digital print booties" so I suppose that's my first clue as far as how to get that look, but I'm pretty sure that will be impractical in my case.

Ideally, I don't want to drop more than $50 on shoes, though I would probably succumb to a $100 pair if they were that perfect. Both my fiance and I are artists, so hand painting a pair of shoes wouldn't be a problem as far as "coloring them in," but in my limited research I've seen ugly dyeable shoes, canvas shoes (yuck), and warnings of acrylic paint chipping off anything you try and paint. I'm having a hard time imagining fabric paint turning out like anything but a 3rd grade t-shirt.

Please help!

*****

Any crafters out there with bright ideas??

That dress is SO GREAT, I'd hate for you to ruin the effect.

Audrey Marnay by Arthur Elgort for Vogue US March 1999

Rodarte for Opening Ceremony

(If Yay!, get your pre-order in now.)

Seeking: ROYGBIV Wedding Flats

Hi ESB!

My best friend is getting married this fall and is looking for some rainbow flats. Her wedding colors are ROYGBIV and each of her seven bridesmaids is wearing a dress with one of those colors. She needs to wear flats because her FH is slightly shorter than her. We've tried to find flats on our own with little success, so I was hoping that you would be able to help us out!

Thank you so much!

PS. I almost forgot, she wears a size 10 and it would be nice if the shoes were less than $100... She's on a shoestring budget! Thanks again!

*****

I was all ready to tell you to tell the bride to GET OVER THE FUCKING RAINBOW THING when I found these multi-color glitter lace-ups by Anniel (available at Bird).

I mean.

Right??
______________________________
I'm crossing my fingers that she's a smallish 10 (I.E. a European 40) because they're out of stock in size 41. But larger sizes are avail in silver glitter over here.

Speaking of bags.....

Rumor has it Baggu is about to come out with a leather version of their signature bag.

I'd much rather have this lambskin version of a plastic bodega bag from Cast of Vices. (Complete with suffocation disclaimer and recycle logo.)

Via kidchamp

Dear ESB: Should I skip the necklace?

I'm stuck on wedding day jewelry.

I have the dress, which looks like this, except I think I'm going to take off that shoulder and the train during alterations. It should be noted that I look nothing like that girl - I'm 5'1, pale, brunette, and about a size 18.

I'm already wearing these, which I love, but I feel like there needs to be something else going on here. I'd love to wear a necklace, but I'm allergic to some kind of unidentified metal (technically I shouldn't be wearing those earrings, but my ears don't react anywhere near as badly as my neck does). So the necklace would either have to be 14k gold or higher, which I don't have the money for, or not metal.

Can you think of anything that would work? Or should I just skip the necklace entirely and go for a bracelet and something fabulous on my head?

*****

I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED ME THIS QUESTION.

You don't need a necklace, lady.

I saw a perfectly gorgeous bride on a wedding blog recently -- I won't call her out -- but her necklace was TOO MUCH. It distracted from the neckline of her dress and her, um, décolletage (what a douchey word).

Anyhoo. I bet you have a GREAT décolletage.

JANE PUTS STICKERS ON HER BIRKIN

Not to mention worry beads.

How fucking cool is this lady??

I don't want a BOSSY BRIDESMAID

Dear ESB,

Okay, so here's the deal. I'm getting married next summer, and my fiance and I have just started talking about our wedding party, and who we want to be a part of it. We both decided that it would be a sweet gesture if my brother is one of his groomsmen, and I'm totally fine with that. What I'm not fine with is making my sister-in-law (my brother's wife) a bridesmaid. The problem is, ten years ago when her and my brother were married, she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids, so now I'm feeling like I have to make her one of mine, just on principal.

On one hand, I feel like NOT asking her to be a bridesmaid would be insulting to her (she's the type to hold a grudge), and after my wedding day I could potentially have to deal with the repercussions of that.

On the other hand, if I DO ask her to be a bridesmaid, I will have to deal with her a whole lot more than I would like (she already lives in the same city as me). The reason this is something I don't want is because she can be manipulative and controlling, and tends to make situations more complicated than they need to be. On top of that, any time she's ever helped me with anything, even when I haven't asked, she never lets me forget "how great she is." I'm worried that if I ask her to be one of my bridesmaids, she's going to abuse her position, and end up bossing me around and telling me what I SHOULD be doing at my own wedding.

I'm just feeling so torn up about the whole thing. Of course my mother thinks I should make her a bridesmaid, because she thinks that although it is my wedding day, it's only one day, and I'm going to have to deal with my sister-in-law for the rest of my life. Also, my mother likes to point out that although my sister-in-law is a complete pain-in-the-ass, she really "means well" and does try to show me she cares, in her own way. This is all fine, except this isn't just any other day, it's my wedding day, and I don't want to have to deal with her crap!

Anyway, I could really use your no B.S. advice right about now. So lay it on thick, I can take it. Thanks for any help!

-Bride with no time for B.S.

*****

Give her a different, "very important" job that will keep her FAR AWAY FROM YOU.

Photo: Clémence Poesy by Ellen Von Unwerth

MAL Spike Ring

Seems like an accessory a mean hipster bride ought to have.

MAL via The Shiny Squirrel

Attention: All you exhibitionists

LPC + Maddie would like you to wear this over your BHLDN dress.

(I bet if you did Hart + Sol would even offer you a discount on wedding photography.)

While I'm posting sparkly things.....

How do we feel about these Glitter Heels from Zara?

They're finally selling shit online, so that's a good thing I guess.

via Megan Gilger via The Social Type

Seeking: The Unicorn of Engagement Rings

ESB,

Do you know of any great vintage jewelry shops? I’ve found Erstwhile, but any other recommendations would be most appreciated. I’m looking for an Art Deco, preferably rose cut ring.

Thanks!

*****

Funny you should ask... I've finally landed a vintage jewelry sponsor, and I could not be more stoked.

Badass + Modern + Antique = THE TRIFECTA

I emailed my guy at EraGem to ask which of his Art Deco rings are rose cut and he told me "the use of rose cut diamonds predates the art deco period. Art deco jewelry used predominately old european cut diamonds."

Such as:

Here's a (SOLD) example of a late 1800s rose cut ring from Erie Basin:

This would not have been an engagement ring.

Mike says, "Engagement rings weren't always a part of getting married. They seem to start about 1880s late victorian with old miner cut diamonds..."

Here's a (SOLD) example of a Victorian mine cut ring from Erie Basin:

And here's an Art Deco ring with a big ol' mine cut diamond from EraGem (also SOLD):

Mike says "I haven't actually seen an engagement ring with a rose cut center stone..."

The ring you're looking for may not exist.

Pictured at top: Vintage Estate Diamond Cluster Cocktail Ring

I Don't Want Him to Walk Me Down the Aisle

Dear ESB,

I'm getting married in November. My father and stepmother didn't speak to me for six years prior to my engagement because my stepmother interpreted a look on my face as "frozen" during a conversation we had about facials. My stepmother (who has been married to my father since I was two years old) is paranoid, narcissistic, and cruel. My father is loyal to her, however, so if she decides to shut someone out of her life, my father will shut them out too. Despite numerous attempts to reach out to them, they haven't met my fiance, who I've been in a relationship with for 4 years, and they haven't met our son, who was born over a year ago.

I sent them both a wedding invitation. My father told me that my stepmother won't come to my wedding because she "doesn't expect any relationship changes." I did apologize to her (for the perceived slight), and even asked my father for advice regarding how to make things right with her so that everyone could feel comfortable at the wedding. She wasn't interested in my attempts to reconcile though and has decided to just not come to the wedding.

In a recent email, my father said that he wanted to walk me down the aisle. I want my son to walk with me during my ceremony, and not my father, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. Should I set aside my feelings, and allow him the honor of walking me down the aisle? Or risk hurting him by walking instead with my son? I know traditionally the father walks with the bride, but our wedding will be anything but traditional.

This has been the most stressful part of my wedding planning so far, and I need some perspective. Thank you!

Signed,
If You Walk Away, I'll Walk Away

*****

Your dad forfeited the right to walk you down the aisle when he didn't speak to you for six years. And he hasn't even met your son? FUCK THAT.

Tell him you've got another plan.

Photo by Melissa Cowan

HI, my name is L------.

(click photo to view Gameboy, bong, etc. in greater detail)

I made a movie.

If you live in Vancouver or near Vancouver (or you've always wanted to visit Vancouver and f*ck it why not? you've got miles), you can come see my movie at the Vancouver Int'l Film Festival on Oct 7 + 10.

I'll be there. They're doing Q&A's after the screenings and I am frankly a little nervous about em so if a couple of you showed up and maybe waved NO CRYING banners, that would be rad.

Can I put my guests on a PARTY BUS?

Hi ESB,

Big fan of your blog. I definitely knew I'd be writing in at some point so I'm not even going to try to play it cool.

I am recently engaged and running into a little logistical problem. I am from a beautiful lake area in Upstate NY and would really like to be married up there. Unfortunately, it is an HOUR away from the nearest church that we can use, for religious reasons. The church is non-negotiable.

My thought, and the expense doesn't seem to be an issue, is that we would provide guests with a party bus to take them to the church from a hotel in my town, and then back from the church to the reception area, where cocktail hour would immediately start when they arrived. The party bus would serve beer/wine and have music for the ride up. I think we'd wind up renting two large buses and just cart everyone around that way. I'm wondering if you think that would be a huge pain to our guests!!

We love the church, it's beautiful, and we love our venue.... I've looked so hard already to try to find a place in between the two as a venue but they are all either booked or prohibitively expensive --- plus, we'd still be providing the buses the ride would just be a bit shorter. I am hoping you'll agree with me on this one, that a party bus equipped with alcohol and our awesome friends and family for an hour long ride will not be a big damper on the day, but give it to me straight... I really want everyone to have a great time.

Thanks for any help!!

-The Traveling Bride

*****

Don't assume that all of your guests will be willing/able to drink beer and wine. You really ought to have some whiskey on hand.

Photo by Grant Harder via Katey Dutton via Unruly Things

Porcelain Cucumber

According to {far 4} it "makes for a great arrangement with a porcelain walnut."

Which... they don't sell? wtf.

via PourPorter

Don't want this d-bag to ruin my special day

Dear ESB,

One of my dearest friends is in an abusive relationship. He is patronizing, condescending and rude. He's selfish and puts her and all women down. He once told her that she mooches off of him, despite her working full time and going to school at night. He is not a wallflower, so being around him is like being forced to be tortured (made fun of, judged, interrogated, just generally made to feel awful about yourself). On top of all this, my good friend's mother recently passed away. What makes me truly think he is abusive (verbally so far) is that he makes her feel guilty for being sad about losing her mom (whom she was extremely close to), as if he is put-out for "having to deal with her grief all the time." She lives in another city than all of her close friends, and they live together. I feel like he uses this death and her lack of close-in-proximity-friends to further isolate her. It's a terrible, terrible situation, and between all my girlfriends, we are just trying to be supportive and hope time will work this out.

The problem with time is that my wedding is coming up, and my friend is a bridesmaid. I don't want to see her boyfriend ever again in my whole entire life (he said some really offensive things to me, and it is known that I don't approve, but I also feel like he is SUCH a jerk that he'd be like "Oh I'm coming to ruin your wedding because you don't like me!"). I can't imagine my rehearsal dinner, with only a few close friends and family and their dates... which includes HIM. The problem is that he is so obnoxious, he's bound to offend me, my family, my friend, just basically make someone cry or really offend someone by being the overall bigot he is - he cannot just sit there and be pleasant and cordial. The wedding is in my hometown, and he won't know anyone except her (and a few other bridesmaids), and obviously I want my gals to focus on bridesmaidsy stuff - getting nails done, drinking champagne, etc., and I just KNOW she's going to be obsessed with his whereabouts, making sure he's ok in this town he doesn't know, and I wouldn't put it past them for him to just BE around. She'll also skip out of the reception early to just be with him, and I want all my best friends to be with me on my night. 

She is so weak and vulnerable right now, I feel like if I tell her my concerns, she will back out of my wedding and maybe even lose each other as friends and she'll feel even more isolated. I absolutely adore this girl, despite her terrible taste in men. I feel very protective. I also turn to her for good life advice and just overall good times. I cannot imagine my life or my wedding without her. I feel selfish, but I chose all my bridesmaids so carefully, and I want them all to be there enjoying MY day with me. I want to be there for her, but I also want my special day to be not ruined by this dude. As in... he needs to not be there. HELP. Please!

-Bride With Good Intentions (I swear hate this d-bag for good reasons!!)

*****

You have to tell her HE'S NOT INVITED. And tell her why.

It would be awful if your friend pulled away from you and missed your wedding, but she may have to hit rock bottom before she gets her shit together and leaves the asshole.

Photo by Craig McDean via Fashion Gone Rogue

our big day (from 17beats)

Greetings from your resident cranky-pants and kill-joy, 17beats !!!

You've been getting a lot of emails from women hemming and hawing about eloping ... or questioning if they should just scrap their over-the-top wedding plans and retreat to Vegas. Here's our story (and a bunch of pictures) about the wedding that we thought would never happen.

The whole event was almost completely spontaneous, which truth be told, is very US. It wasn't until 36 hours prior that I even contemplated getting a dress; I just figured I'd wear something I already owned. After lunch with a good friend, though, I picked out this little number on a whim. It was somehow flattering (a marvel when you're 4 months pregnant) and seemed like it could be worn again. Everything else -- the bracelet, the ring, the earrings, the clutch -- was part of my hoard of sparklies. I had planned on wearing some brown pumps, but switched to black that morning, as it was chilly and I needed to wear a jacket.

The entire day was easy-breezy. No hoopla whatsoever! D's best friend was the witness and the photographer -- we called him the night before. I am lucky enough to be friends with a florist, so the bouquet & corsage literally appeared on our doorman's desk that morning (such a lovely gift from a dear lady).

We got an early start, and bounced over to City Hall and did the deed IN UNDER TWENTY MINUTES, and then headed uptown to buy rings. The sales woman was over-the-moon excited for us -- apparently we were the first newlyweds she'd ever helped (in 25 years) and she just LOVED our "story." We celebrated with a divine lunch at the Modern, and a leisurely stroll through MoMA, something we never seem to have the time for. That was the whole idea of the day -- to have the date we always promise each other, but never do because of work/crowds/etc.

We came home and D surprised me with a "Happy Birthday and Wedding" cake from my favorite straight-out-of-1960 Italian bakery. It was filled with chocolate pudding and cannoli cream and was absolutely delicious. It actually said "Happy Birthday and Wedding" on the top in perfect florescent pink jelly-icing script, which I found endlessly amusing. (I think I forgot to mention that it happened to be my 30th birthday, and the day before the world was supposed to end... HA.) After some cake, we slow danced to Lou Reed's "Perfect Day" and I sobbed like the sentimental sap I evidently am.

But that's because it was a Perfect Day. People fawned over us and went out of their way to be kind. There were "Mazel Tovs," "Best Wishes," and handshakes at every turn. Without a reservation, we somehow scored a table at the restaurant in under a minute. Countless tourists took our photos, and ladies-who-lunch toasted us with champagne. A little girl told us we looked like a prince and a princess, and a security guard cracked Will and Kate jokes. Even though we wanted the day to be completely private and JUST BETWEEN US, we ended up sharing it with all of New York. It was magnificent.

I am overwhelmed with joy that you sent me these photos.

I love them love them love them. And I love your story. It's just what I needed to hear on September 12, 2011.

CHECK OUT WHITNEY DEAL, YOU GUYS!

Did you know she was secretly whipping up a WEDDING COLLECTION?

I did not know.

p.s. Whitney also happens to be one half of oh, darling!, one of my hella rad new sponsors. Does she ever sleep?? is my next question.

Seeking Flats: not blingtastic, not too blah

Dear ESB,

I have been having the absolute worst time finding shoes for my wedding in January. I would love to wear the most rockin' heels, but that is just not in the cards (read: chasing millions of kids all day and super lame knee that won't allow rockin' heels for more than an hour). So, flats it is!

I have been having the worst time finding rad flats that aren't something I could wear everyday and aren't the most blingtastic, could absolutely never wear again. My dress is super classic and I would love to find some navy or possibly purple shoes with some awesome accent to wear with it. If you or your fantastic readers could help me, I would be SO grateful!

Budget: Under $200 if possible, thanks!

*****

Rarely will you catch me recommending BOWS. But the Marais Maryjanes (pictured above) are pretty terrific.

These T-bar Flats are also rad.

Would you consider tan with gold studs?