Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Crashing with presents


Dear ESB,

I'm a crasher's +1 next weekend and I need a gift.

My best friend has been traveling the world for the past few months and is currently in Australia. He has decided to come back early and surprise his sister at her wedding. I'm his +1. Now, obviously as an attendant to this wedding, I will be consuming their alcohol and eating their food (aka $ spent on me), so what's something I could get as a repayment? My friend is at a 12 hour time difference and relatively cut off from communication (apparently there's not much wifi in the outback).

Since I don't know their registry, what's something that says, "Hey, thank you for the crab-stuffed chicken and the booze. Sorry you didn't technically invite me."? The bride and groom are pretty cool, like music, and are pregnant.

Thanks,
Uninvited +1


*****

You mean besides a salt bowl? (My favorite lucky wedding present of all time.)

I hate to give you the BORING answer, but wait until after the wedding. You don't need to bring a gift with you, and you can sleuth out where they're registered while you're there.*

HAPPY WRAPPING by Emma Hässel & Lina Salén
______________________________

*wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee look at me! i'm still answering etiquette questions!

48 comments:

  1. ESB you are so much kinder than I am. For my response would have been: 'Whaaaa? Crashers do not get to bring guests'.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm concerned for your date's sister and future spouse and if there will be enough food for you guys if they aren't expecting either of you to attend.

      Also google their names. A lot companies sell their couples' registry info to Wedding Chanel, which comes up in search results. I'm none to pleased that it happened to me, but maybe it helped someone.

      Delete
    2. caterers ALWAYS make enough food for wiggle room.

      Delete
    3. You are assuming the wedding is going to be catered then. What if they are DIYing it?

      Delete
    4. Yeah, except when the brides' brother crashes, it's a little different than just some rando who said no on the rsvp card and changed their mind. I would move mountains to get my own brother fed on my wedding day if he wasn't supposed to be able to make it. There's no effing way I'd care that he brought a +1.

      Delete
    5. thank you, Ms K. THANK YOU.

      Delete
    6. also, if you are DIYing it, and you're going to make your portions THAT exact, you need to rethink your strategy. that is, if you don't want to end up royally fucking yourself. trust me, jacqueline... i catered weddings for years. i know this shit.

      Delete
    7. I'm with Ms K and Celia. There is always extra food. Always. And it's her BROTHER!If a bride got mad over this, then she must not have much on her mind.

      Delete
    8. Fair point Celia.

      Delete
  2. Admittedly, this is a way more interesting etiquette question than "who do I let pay for my destination wedding".

    My first thought was "uhhh crashers don't get +1s" but since it seems to be the bride's brother, this is probably a weird exception, as he was probably actually invited. Essentially, the only crasher is the +1.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Also, I know it seems slightly creepy but if you know their first and last names you can usually find their registry by googling. Or you can go to the usual suspects (C&B, Macys, BB&B) and enter a name to see if they pop up. Um, yeah. I hate phone calls so much that I'll internet sleuth to avoid it.

    And you can definitely wait till afterwards.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. also: you don't want some dumb cousin to spoil the surprise!!

      Delete
    2. wait, i just realized she really can't send a present BEFORE the wedding. she wasn't invited, remember? that would be weird.

      Delete
    3. Oh shoot. The surprise part!

      Don't buy a gift directly off the registry then. Your name will show up and they'll see it beforehand.

      Registries as are bad as dumb cousins.

      Delete
    4. while we're talking about registries, i'd like to give a several-years-later tip of the hat to the guy who registered at amazon for his imaginary wedding to j.lo. guy, you were (and probably still are) amazing.

      Delete
    5. also, i think some dumb cousin should have a twitter account. okay, fixed that.

      Delete
    6. ahahaha @somedumbcousin <3

      Delete
  4. cash money. impersonal? sure. practical? absolutely.

    being from a Mediterranean culture, cash in the card is the only way to go for us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SHE DOESN'T EVEN GO HERE

      Delete
    2. Relax, esb. It's a cultural thing. Have you never seen the Godfather? I know it's common with Italian, Greek, and Portuguese families (I would guess Spanish, too).

      Delete
    3. Is ESB against giving money at weddings? Or is she saying that the people who write in don't usually apply this kind of logic to things?

      Delete
    4. speaking for every Italian and Cuban... ever... cash in a white envelope. To think thats not the norm is ignorant

      Delete
    5. Same with Chinese families, except it's cash in a red envelope. Totally a cultural thing.

      Delete
    6. Just give money. Simple and easy. What is wron with that? Who doesn't like cash?

      Delete
    7. What about cash money and a salt bowl?



      (I just want a fucking salt bowl)

      Delete
  5. Also, please tell me he told their parents to expect you two. I'm sure she'll be so thrilled to see her brother that she won't care if he messes up the seating chart but it might put you in an awkward position of having no seat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I came here to say this. It's the brides brother so obviously she'll be super excited to see him, but I hope he's told someone that he's coming and bringing a +1. Surely the parents can keep a secret.

      There will be no shows, so I'm sure food & seats will work out, but I've seen many a bride get bitchy AT the reception about no shows and extras, even if they're people they really really like.

      Delete
  6. She's going to be unbelievably happy to see her brother, but I have intense anxiety thinking about not planning for those two extra people. I hope they have a low-key seating/food arrangement.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm thrilled for the bride that her brother can now attend (and what a great surprise). I think it's totally crappy of him to foist another guest on his sister, though. Why can't he come on his own?

    I know this isn't helpful to the OP, but really, it's pushing the limit of common decency. One person you can squeeze in between mom and dad. But, two people?

    At the very least, bring a card to the reception, apologizing for being a surprise and saying 'gift to follow, didn't want to ruin the surprise!'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh ok. After reading OP's clarification, I take back my anal retentiveness and just want to say, yes OP you are being thoughtful and I'm sure you'll be a great guest, even if you're caught in the middle of a sort of awkward sitch. That said, I now fully agree with Amanda M, including card/gift strategy. I just don't understand people like brother here who bring friends (even if best friends) as uninvited +1's. I think it's rude to the couple who might have wanted to invite other people on their own accord who they feel more connected to and didn't crash... I guess the whole concept of uninvited crashers bothers me. It was annoyed when people did it for my wedding and I cringe when I hear about it for others'.

      Delete
  8. Why hasn't anyone mentioned yet how irritating and fucked up it is that she's all like, "how do I repay you for the food and drink," "thanks for the chicken and booze," etc etc....?!?!

    If you really think that's all there is to it, why the F are you going... I mean crashing?? Do you even care about these people who are getting married? Assuming that you do even a little bit, since they're your best friend's sister and all, then you should be giving a gift because you want to. Not just to repay them for your being an *attendee* (not attendant, god forbid). If you're crashing, they might not get charged extra for your food anyway, since that may already be built into the budget.

    AGHRHGH

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yikes, I think she was being tongue in cheek there!

      Delete
    2. Huh? I think it's actually pretty nice that she's thinking about "repaying" the expense of being an unexpected guest. Nowhere does she say she's not grateful to attend the ceremony; she's worried about being a burden, which I think is a conscientious concern. And, agreed with Ms K, it was totally a tongue-in-cheek statement anyway.

      Delete
  9. ^Yikes

    Whoops on the attendant thing. That was dumb.

    To clarify, his dad knows we're coming - but no one else. I considered just skipping since he'll have such a blast with or without me. But I think it's sweet that he invited me and I know he'll guilt me to death if I don't show up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Go, have a blast, buy them something rad after the wedding.

      Haters gonna hate.

      Delete
  10. Yeah, I'm not so sure about this +1 for a crasher situation. I'm not so sure about a best friend as a +1 even if everyone knows about it way in advance (with an exception if the invited guest will know no one other than the couple getting married), so I feel like that makes this even more potentially awkward ...

    ReplyDelete
  11. The crasher is crashing because it's his SISTER. Uninvited+1 is going because the crasher is her BEST friend. His dad is on board. I don't see why there would be any issue at all with this. She's clearly going to be a thoughtful and graceful guest.

    I second people's suggestions to just google their names, starting maybe with Macys and Crate & Barrel. You're a good friend.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Since they're a music-loving couple, I'd send them a pairings box from Turntable Kitchen and/or a sweet little cutting board and a cute card, after the wedding, of course, so you don't ruin the surprise.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I would be most worried that the bride reads this blog and now the suprise is totally fucked.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, no! I am overly anxious with all secrets though. The internets is a big place. I doubt she will find out.

      Delete
    2. Ha! Paranoid me was thinking the same thing. I'm the person who checks and double checks her phone before talking shit about a stranger via text message, as if I could possibly accidentally send the message to some random person whose number I most certainly do not have in my phone.

      Delete
    3. Lordy, me too, Lauren. Are you me?

      I thought only I was that paranoid. Also, I can't touch sidewalk crossing buttons with my hands. I use my elbow.

      Delete
    4. I don't even touch the button cause I'm too cynical to believe they work.

      Delete
    5. I don't get it... OP posted this on her blog (if you click on the link in her answer it'll take you there). Wouldn't her best friend's sister be likely to read that blog? I mean, yeah, not EVERY bride reads ESB (some just haven't found her yet...) but if this is supposed to be a surprise, I don't understand her posting it on her blog...

      Delete
    6. I highly doubt the bride reads OP's blog. It sounds like she doesn't know them extremely well (or she would probably have a gift idea already and not be a +1). Don't know about you but I sure as heck don't read the blogs of my brother's friends.

      Delete