Friday, July 19, 2013

FMIL Should Put Up or Shut Up


Dear ESB,

I'll just come right out and say it: my future mother-in-law is a cunt. Every step of the wedding planning process has been a nightmare dealing with her. When we picked our original date, she threw a fit about it being too soon and insisted we push it back by an additional 10 months. It was no skin off my nose at the time, so I agreed. Mistake. Pretty soon I got the feeling that that was a test I failed on who was really in control, as every decision I have made from there on out regarding the wedding has been met with resistance from her.

I initially wanted to get married in my hometown city; she protested that it was too far for the elderly members of my fiancé's family to travel. So we picked a new city, one that allowed for an equal amount of travel between both  of our families. I tried to sit down and discuss finances with her; although we agreed to roughly split things 50/50 between our families, she insisted she would only talk in depth about it with my parents in person (they live in my hometown city, over 1,000 miles away) and even then, only after we had already picked a venue and had some price points to present. Fine. We road-tripped to the city we'd picked and found a lovely chapel and reception hall, as well as a great caterer for the intimate event we had planned (70 guests total).

The deposit for the church is $500. The deposit for the caterer is $2,000. I suggested we split the $2,500 between the six of us (my parents, his parents, and my fiancé and I), and my FMIL is now refusing to put in for the deposit. She feels it is 1. too much money and 2. goes against "the principle" of the bride's family taking care of everything regarding the wedding.

She also feels like they shouldn't have to put down money because my fiancé's guest list is smaller than mine so they'll have fewer of "their" people there, and because they already have to pay clothes, airfare, hotel blocks, transportation for the family that is traveling, etc. (My list has exactly five people more than his.)

Here's an excerpt from a text she sent me:

"You have way more people than us & it's not fair that we have to come up w/ that amount for only a handful of people on a deposit, makes no sense... So come up w/ the $500 to secure the place & find some other caterers. Nothing else is to be discussed until we converse in person."

My fiancé's father is pretty much following her lead. She says my parents and I should either pay both deposits ourselves or book just the venue and get a cheaper caterer later. This caterer is all-inclusive (plated food, cake stand, tables, chairs, linens, silverware, glassware, beer and wine, servers, bartenders, and set-up/breakdown) for $4000; it doesn't get much cheaper than that, short of doing it ourselves.

My fiancé has tried reasoning with her but she won't budge. He said he's fine with he and I splitting the deposits with my parents, but I kind of want to just chuck the whole thing at this point and elope. My mother has also offered to gift us $3,000 for the entire endeavor to do whatever we want. Should we go for the elopement? How do we break that to his parents?

Sincerely,
My FMIL Is A Cunt

*****

You don't want her f*cking money. If you can't afford the wedding without it, then yes, you should elope.

Do the thing FIRST. Then breaking the news is easy: "We eloped!"

(Resist the urge to add: "Who's in control now, bitch?")



Marta Kowalska by Paolo Colaiocco for Kneon (Summer 2013) via COUPDEFOUDRE

33 comments:

  1. Totally agree with ESB here. Even if she paid up, you're just opening the door to more of her demands, but this time with money backing it up.

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  2. Seriously. She doesn't OWE you any money to get married, so if she doesn't want to give it for the things you want to spend it on, then you either should pay for it yourselves or move on to Plan B.

    On another note, she sounds like a first class douchecanoe. An adult that writes a text like that has serious control issues that I would do everything in my power to avoid contributing to.

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    1. YES. Took the word douchecanoe right out of my mouth. Elope or throw a wedding you can afford with control-freak FMIL's money. And if it were me I'd DEF be eloping because if you do things her way with this wedding, it sets a precedent for the rest of your marriage that you're willing to negotiate with terrorists. Once she knows this she will terrorize you forever. Take the reins right now and ride that pony into the sunset with your man! And then when you get home from getting married, throw a "we did it!" party in your hometown with your own money and your own peepes and if it's too far for FMIL to travel then too bad!!

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    2. *WITHOUT FMIL's MONEY! Not with. Definitely not with.

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  3. Elope! For sure! Have a photographer follow you for a bit, make some special memories with your dude, send out "We Eloped" cards if you want and call it a day. It's not about the money, this is ruining what is special about planning and executing your own wedding (obviously). Shit's not worth it.

    PS: Have a rocking party at home with your friends after you do it.

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  4. money is so often tied back to a control issue. definitely elope! you'll be so happy and just imagine all the drama you'll be skipping.

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  5. Elope! For sure! Have a photographer follow you for a bit, make some special memories with your dude, send out "We Eloped" cards if you want and call it a day. It's not about the money, this is ruining what is special about planning and executing your own wedding (obviously). Shit's not worth it.

    PS: Have a rocking party at home with your friends after you do it.

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  6. I'm usually inclined to err on the side of "oh but I might regret pissing her off someday," but ESB is 100% correct on this one. Have the wedding you want and can afford. If she's ignoring reason and just causing drama, don't bend over backwards to please her. Make sure FH is with you whatever you do, and best of luck spending holidays with this woman!

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  7. If you truly want to elope - then do so. But if what you want is your wedding done your way, then just cut her out of the equation. Have it when you want, where you want and you and your fiance pay for it using the gift of money from your parents and your own. Unless you're talking about marrying in a large city, you should be able to have nice wedding of 75-100 for $5000.

    It sounds from your description like you've given in to all her demands so far, which makes me think your fiance isn't as on your side as you claim. Because he should have already put the smack down on her for even asking you to move your date. Unless there was an understandable reason, it sounds like that was your first big mistake, but the fact that your fiance didn't bat an eye at it, makes me nervous for you.

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    1. Yes! I got nervous as well! Become a united front now before she's telling you how to baptize the kids and who to name them after. He's the one who should be fielding his mom's crazy texts...

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  8. If you're on board with eloping I say do it, but if it really is important to you that your friends and family be there (which is legit) then do something small that you can afford on your own. Then tell FMIL that you guys will pay for it which means you get to decide when and where it happens and who is invited. Also, this is totally a time when your fiance gets to say "Mom, you're stressing my future wife out. Any issues you have with the wedding get sent to me." What she needs to see right now is not that you respect her, but that her son supports YOU. Don't let her think she'll have as much say in your marriage as she seems to think she has in your wedding.

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  9. P.S. I've been obsessively reading this site to sooth my raging daughter-in-law beast. For anyone like the OP and me with in-law issues, the stories on here are both hilarious and terrifying. Warning - lots of misspellings.

    http://www.motherinlawstories.com/

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    1. I think that might be the most depressing website I have ever looked at in my life. Most of these women are suffering from emotional and psychological abuse and it makes me sad.

      "I let my toddlers go without shoes indoors in the summer. MIL got really mad at this, and said they need to wear very tight shoes to train their feet. She even called a doctor to try to get him to back her up. My husband's toes are gnarled from the shoe torture she put him through as a child."
      FUCKED UP SHIT

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  10. Elope if you prefer to elope and/or can't afford the other wedding.

    But, if you still want to have the intimate wedding, then it's fine to go back to your original plan. If she's not paying anything (and at this point I think that under no circumstance should you accept her money, because that will just make your life a living hell), then there's no reason to not get married in your hometown city (and if the difference is 1000 miles or 500, I don't think flying to one versus the other is going to make much difference to anyone older -- but always check with your fiance). And then do not include her in almost any of your plans. Just respond to the next annoying text where she complains with a "my plans seem to be in line with the tradition of a bride's family taking care of everything." (I HATE that "tradition" but she brought it up first.) Or say that it doesn't make sense to move the wedding to somewhere in the middle when she's inviting way less people. Basically, my advice is to act like a five-year-old because she clearly can't act like a mature adult and it will only stress you out to try to reason with her.

    But, if you prefer the elopement right now (and are confident you won't regret it), just do that. As long as your parents are being reasonable though, I would give them a heads up.

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  11. ELOPE! Whether or not FMIL gives you money in the end, it sounds like it's just going to go downhill from here.

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  12. Elope! I didn't have any of this crap to deal with but planning a wedding sucks! Turn it into an awesome elopement vacation!

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  13. Just be aware that deposits are the easy part of the wedding financing, paying the balances due to all the vendors at the same time and managing unexpected expenses is where it gets real. If it is hard now, know that it won't get easier. I would plan around your mother's money plus what you can contribute. And of course do what will make you happy.

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  14. If you want to elope, go for it. But if you wan't a wedding, don't give up on your wedding just because your MIL is a horrible human being & control freak.

    It sounds like you're left battling her largely on your own. What does your fiance say/do about all of this? It sounds like boundaries a la the Berlin Wall need to be drawn up, and your partner needs to do the heavy lifting on that front. (Otherwise it becomes about you tearing him away from her.)

    Are you guys thinking of doing pre-marital counseling? You might want to consider it, b/c this monster is going to be around for a while, and maybe you need some advice on how to minimize the damage she can do in your life.

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  15. OP here-

    Thanks for the advice, guys. Trust, there have been some pretty heated arguments between FH and I over whose side he's on here, but we've determined that whatever we decide to do, we present a united front on it and his mother can't sway us. When I initially changed my date, city, etc., it was more so because I wasn't married to those ideas in the first place (heh heh) than because FH didn't stand up for me. It didn't seem like something to argue over but now I wish I had because that obviously was an indication to her that she could walk all over me. Lesson learned.

    My fiancé has one sibling, a younger brother, so for all these years my FMIL has been the only woman in their nuclear family of Mom, Dad, and two kids. Their nature has kind of been to just go with the flow of her demands and acquiesce, so I think it's been an adjustment for everyone (FH included) having another woman around. He has a bit of a laissez-fare, 'that's just how she is' attitude but I've made it clear he needs to be 100% with me on this and as we move forward. So we're on the same page.

    Right now we're considering: A. Having the wedding in the 'in-between' city I chose (because I really did fall in love with the chapel), but inviting only close friends. Like 18 people, max. Then having an informal reception at a nearby restaurant and going bar-hopping woot woot. My mom's 3k can easily cover that.

    Or B: Having an 'awesome elopement vacation' (thanks, Mrs. Merrel lol) aka saying to hell with it, taking my mom's $3,000 and going somewhere AWESOME to hang out on a beach for a week and just do it.

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    1. Plan A makes me a little nervous because anytime you're excluding some people but not others, there can be trouble. Plan B mutually excludes everyone, AND sounds like an awesome time. :)

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    2. Plan B sounds awesome. And if FMIL gets pissy that she wasn't invited, you can remind her that no one was invited. Enjoy whichever option you end up picking!

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    3. Elopement vacation sounds amazing.

      If you elope, my suggestions are: Get at least a handful of proper photos. We have 3 cell photos from ours and it makes me a little sad. Get a bouquet - I know, seems kind of silly for an elopement, but when else in your life do you get to carry a bouquet?!

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  16. This is when FH needs to learn to say, "Mom, this is what FW and I are doing. Hope you can come and be a member of our family."

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    1. preach, rob. OP, take a deep breath, hike up your pants, and have the wedding you want. if FMIL wants the best for you and her son, she'll eventually fall in line; if she doesn't, you don't need that kind of static.

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    2. this is what my fiance did with his mom. she is also the mom of two boys. she was pissed with the following ideas: it being where we live, me not having maid dresses, not doing flowers and not having a bus (wtf woman, i am not made of money)... If she wants something its just, pay up or shut up. If she wants to be a cee-you-next-tuesday, then whatever... just make sure your FH knows that the paradigm of his life will be shifting to wife and not mom. And yes,i am marrying the biggest Momma's boy ever who, just today, i told him that he needs to tell his mom to follow the Golden Rule and "be nice or shut up."

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  17. Do not take her money, even if she throws it at you. It will never be worth it. Pay for the wedding/ elopement you can afford. (Of course a loving, no-strings-attached gift from your mom is lovely.) And stop texting with her! Let FH handle her and all of her crazy. I agree about the Option A excluding her causing drama- either do an even smaller (30-50 guests including her) to cut out the couple thousand you were expecting from her, or elope. It will feel so much more satisfying that you did it yourselves with no demands to meet.

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  18. I'm going against the "If you take her money, you owe her say in the wedding" thing here, but if you don't actually want to elope, I'm thinking you should somehow "let it slip" to her that you're considering an elopement, and see if the prospect of no wedding at all makes her any easier to work with. She going to be a huge pain in your ass and feel like she's owed something no matter whether you take her money or not. And if that doesn't work, yeah, go with option A above.

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  19. Let me add one more voice to the "don't take a single dollar from her!" camp. There is no worse feeling than accepting money from someone who doesn't give it freely and generously. UGH! Pretend that money doesn't exist, figure out a budget between yourselves and your parents, and move on from there. But make sure you do what YOU want! If you really do want a wedding, don't give that up!

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  20. She's a horror. And I'm 56, FWIW. She doesn't deserve to have her son marry you. Nobody in their right mind would so damage a lovely process and ceremony like this.

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  21. Under no circumstances should you take a single penny from your douchenozzle of a FMIL. So let's just forget about your FMIL. She should not be a factor in your decision unless she starts acting like an adult instead of a spoiled child (and even then...). But what about your mom (and dad if he's in the picture)! I'm sure they would like to see you get married. I know my parents would have been completely crushed if I had eloped. Also I would have missed the opportunity to see my dad cry when my brother-in-law did a reading from the Velveteen Rabbit (fucking priceless).

    Don't let your enthusiasm to avoid dealing with your FMIL make you forget about all the other people who really do matter to you and what they may want (not that this should overrule what you want, but I think it's an important factor). I absolutely wanted to elope (and wrote in to ESB about it), and in the end sucked it up and had the big wedding. And I'm so happy that I did. So many amazing memories. You really only get one shot at it.

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  22. Would love to see the look on your FMIL's face when/if you tell her you eloped. Heh. I bet she'll be furious. (Not that that's a good reason to elope. Still, doesn't mean you can't enjoy it a bit. ;)

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  23. I think everyone has said the same thing already but I'm going to echo it.

    Seriously, do NOT take the money! Money has strings attached, and it will only get worse later on.

    And also, sounds like FH needs to also man up a bit and be on the same page as you.

    How are you guys going to agree on a house that you have to buy together, or the school that your kids go to? How are you going to sort out your finances and taxes, if you can't even decide to unite on the wedding front?

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