Monday, September 10, 2012

Stuck in the middle


Dear ESB,

There are so many opinions flying around for this wedding and I don't know whose is right. Especially since it's over something I don't feel strongly either way for. My problem is this:

I was born and raised in Houston, TX, and that is where my family (there's no extended, just immediate) currently resides, with the exception of myself. This is also where the majority of my parents' requested guests and all of my childhood friends live. The Boy's family all (as in, about 75 people) lives in Northeast Texas around 6 hours away from Houston. The Boy and I live and go to school in Nacogdoches, which is very close to the middle of the two. 

My mother (who has also just taken over the wedding in general, due to her not having one because she and my father eloped) is VERY, and I mean very, adamant on having the wedding in Houston. It's tradition to have it where the bride is from, all of her friends wouldn't travel for my wedding, blah blah blah. Okay, I get it. 

My Boy, on the other hand, would really like to have the wedding closer to where his family is because his father can't travel in a car longer than two hours due to a neck injury years ago and both sets of grandparents are around that age where traveling is not the easiest thing in the world. Also, much of his family would not be able to afford or be willing, for that matter, to travel to Houston, so he's worried that if we get married in Houston, most of his family wouldn't come. I understand this as well. I think it's a little lame that his family wouldn't travel 6 hours for their own flesh and blood's wedding, but his extended family really is their own breed of people so I can get it.  

Then there's me, caught in the middle, lacking any strong convictions towards getting married in Houston or getting married in East Texas. I have, however, put my foot down on getting married in the town the Boy is from simply because there are no wedding venues and it's just not a very pretty area. I would be willing to get married in the Nacogdoches area, which would be equal traveling for both families. But if I told my mom I was even considering getting married anywhere other than Houston she would have a fit and probably pull funding for the wedding. 

I do like the idea of getting married in the city I'm from, and I've even found a few outdoor venues that I LOVE. But I also like the idea of getting married in Nac, the town we met and grew our relationship in, and it's a gorgeous area so it would be easy to find a nice outdoor venue. I don't know. My only requirement is that I get married outside. The city matters not to me. It just matters to other people. And I want to keep my mom happy because she's my mom and I do love her at the end of it all. But this is also mine and the Boy's wedding and it should be what we want. I just don't know what I want. 

Help?

-Stuck in the middle

P.S.  I'm also highly understanding when it comes to his dad not being able to travel. I'm very close with his dad and know that he's in a lot of pain and being in the car for even 30 minutes is sometimes excruciating for him.  

*****

Dear Stuck,

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT?

You want a pretty wedding, and you want your mom to pay for it, and you say you're "highly understanding" about your boyfriend's dad's injury but seem perfectly willing to ask him to spend 3-6 hours in a car.

My first thought was: Get married at City Hall in the stupid shithole town you're not willing to have your wedding in (with the Boy's father and grandparents in attendance), and then let your mom throw the stupid wedding she wants in Houston.

My second thought is: You're too young to get married.

xoxo,
I'M BACK, BITCHES

Photo by ishi

57 comments:

  1. And you also say "the city matters not to you" but you refuse to get married in your boy's hometown even though he has multiple close families members that wouldn't be able to make it. All signs point to his hometown, girl, but you sound like your priorities are having it in a 'pretty' place.

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  2. I'm from Nacogdoches, and it's a long way from gorgeous. Why not Tyler or Longview?

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    1. I'm guessing because Nac actually is really pretty, especially for someone used to the city, and it has outdoor venues (and they live there- planning is easier).

      Longview is just a bigger version of Nac (minus some of the historic sites), and Tyler is expensive.

      But none of that really matters, because Stuck needs to focus on FH's dad getting to see his son's wedding (without the pain from long car rides).

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  3. Thank God you're back, ESB ... especially since this bride is too bunched up to think clearly.

    No matter what anyone else will say, ESB's answer will be the best.

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  4. So basically the father of the groom won't be able to attend if it's not close to his hometown, and if it's not *in* his hometown he will have to go through "excruciating" pain in order to attend? How is this even an issue? You say, "Sorry, mom, it will suck if all our Houston friends can't make it, but it's out of the question for the father of the groom to miss this day," and if she throws a fit about that and pulls funding then you're probably better off not having her fund your wedding because she is ridiculously self-centered.

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  5. His father's attendance is more important than your Mom's friends being able to make it. Have the wedding in your boy's hometown or within two hours of there. It is cheaper to not getting married at a wedding venue anyway. Find an outdoor location and a rental company that will travel

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  6. The city matters not to me.

    I imagine this with an airy hand gesture, and the kind of calculated posturing that only a nineteen year old can perfect.

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  7. If I hear one more infantile twerp call her boyfriend or fiance "THE BOY" I will officially lose my shit. Are you 12? Grow the eff up.


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    1. THIS! Aren't boys too young to get married?

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    2. YES! Thank you....any woman who refers to her significant other as "the Boy" is clearly too young, not to mention immature, to get married. If you don't see him as a man, it's probably not going to work out, sweetie.

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    3. You're about to lose it over a stranger's pet name for her fiance and she's the infantile twerp?

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    4. uggghhhhh, i totally agree with you, anon 6:48! so gross!

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    5. I call guys "boys" all the time and I'm 33. Calling a boyfriend or husband "The Boy" is a trendy phrase. It might be dumb, and you might not like it, but it does not say anything about her age (the rest of the email does that just fine).

      You guys need to CHILL.

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    6. seriously? pull the fucking stick out of your OLD ass.

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    7. On the one hand, who the eff cares, but on the other hand, I dated (until recently) a 35-year-old who called himself a boy and it was EXTREMELY unnerving. It does betray a certain attitude about the personality and maturity level of the person in question, I think. The societal boom of man-children is not something to embrace! eww.

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  8. The practical thing to do is have the wedding wherever the father of the groom can make it to.

    Sounds like the only thing getting in the way of you making that obvious decision is the fact that you are afraid of your mother 'having a fit' and don't want to rock the boat.

    Sounds like you can't please everyone here. You need to talk to your mum.

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  9. I can understand the desire to have your wedding in your hometown. That was extremely important to me, although, luckily, my husband and I share the same hometown. However, in your case, it's not extremely important to you. You said that the city doesn't matter to you; it matters to other people. So decide whose reasons are most valid. In your case, it seems pretty obvious. "Excruciating pain" trumps "it's tradition" any day of the week. Personally, I think that the fact that much of his family will refuse to drive a few hours to your wedding should have no bearing on your decision. Screw them if they're that lazy. But having the father of the groom there is important.

    If you can't find any good places to have your wedding (they don't have to be "wedding venues") in your fiance's hometown, look in a 2-hour radius of it. I bet you'll find something. Yes, you will probably have to endure your mom throwing a fit. But she's bound to throw a fit about something. And if she pulls the funds, that tells you all you need to know.

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  10. Right on ESB! Right on! Couldn't have said it better myself. You and I seem to be in the same bitter place today... You go with your bad self...

    XO,
    BB

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  11. Wait. WHAT????? Your fiance's own father can't travel and you are somehow "stuck" about where to have your wedding? What the hell is wrong with you and your mother???

    Unreal.

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  12. off-topic question -- when do 'boys' start being 'men' ?

    on-topic comment -- a friend of ours had a quaint outdoor wedding at a location that made it impossible for the groom's sick mother to attend. she's still pissed about it, and a year later, the groom is, too.

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    1. When they record the song "Motown Philly" and change the game in music.

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  13. I wonder how long it will be before the bride asks for this post to be taken down

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  14. Eek. Tough crowd, today. Why don't you talk to your mom? Maybe she doesn't realize how painful travelling is for your FIL? Explain that you're conflicted and maybe she will let you off the hook. If she doesn't, you have a decision to make. I think you know what to do --you just have to pull the trigger. GOOD LUCK.

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  15. I keep coming back to this hoping that the conflict is between doing what the man who will be your father in law needs and doing what your mom wants - not between doing what he needs and what you always wanted your wedding to look like. Because the first I can understand your difficulty with, as standing up to your own mother isn't always easy. But the second, if I were your best friend, I'd tell you "aw, yeah, that sucks. Now go have the wedding in his hometown."

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  16. It sounds like this bride wants to duck responsibility for making any controversial decisions.

    Adults don't get to duck responsibility for making their own decisions. You gotta make a decision based on your priorities, and then you gotta *own it*.

    That's just part of being a grown up. You have to review your priorities. The order the priorities come across in the letter are:

    1. having a pretty outdoor wedding
    2. keeping mom from getting mad
    3. keeping mom's funding in the mix
    4. limiting fiance's dad's pain/having his dad there
    5. worrying about other guests travel

    If that's true, then you have it in Houston with your fiance's father in major pain and without most of the rest of his family. Or you reorder your priorities and make a different decision.

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    Replies
    1. and did you notice who is missing from this list of priorities? her fiance.

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  17. I vote small ceremony where the whole family and a few close friends can attend and then a big shindig in Houston so your mom can still have her party and a shindig near your fiancee's family.

    You two can celebrate every anniversary exactly how you want it for the rest of your lives.

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  18. mmm i LOVE how every pissy 30 something comes out of the woodworks as soon as age is brought up. have fun with your elder "knowledge" you're so proud of ...& the gross stretchy neck skin that comes with it ;)

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    1. Clearly this girl hasn't yet figured out that as part of a couple one of the most important things is to be considerate and accepting of the fact that you have to make concessions sometimes. Especially when a very close family members health is part of the equation. Hopefully she will figure that out soon.

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    2. Whoops, that wasn't supposed to be there. Oh well.

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    3. Anon 1:49: curb your lame response and the low blows. Everyone gets older. Not a whole lot you can do about it.

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    4. Um, anyone who writes to a public blog asking for advice has to be prepared for people to have opinions. And if the tone of your letter is very young, people will pick up on that. I won't make a comment about age, but I will make one about maturity:

      If you can't tell your mom what you need and want, you are too immature to get married. My recommendation would be for the bride to live on her own for a year, develop an opinion, and then start planning her wedding.

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  19. I don't think you are ready for a marriage - I think you just want a wedding paid for by your mom. Good luck working out real life issues with your husband boy.

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  20. i'm not sure where age comes into this? it's pretty black and white that your future father in law NEEDS to be accommodated, and your mother will have to bend- with or without her funding. good luck.

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  21. Holy shit. Relax, everyone. It's so easy to criticize from the outside looking in--have you never had to make an uncomfortable decision before? I read it twice and the poster doesn't mention her age so why do we assume she's so young? And what does it matter? I am 34 and I sometimes still cringe at the thought of disappointing my mother. And don't act all high and mighty over the $$. I would bet a lot of us relied on our parents for help in that area. The bottom line is THIS: fiance's dad's health should be top priority here. And i think you know that. I like the idea of a small wedding near him and then a giant bash in HOU. If you don't want two there HAS to be a venue near there that suits your taste. No one said it was going to be easy! Before you talk to your mom, do a lot of research beforehand. Find a place you love (or like a lot), price out a few photogs, musicians, whatever. When you talk to her she can visualize what you have in mind and be more easily swayed.

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  22. Bloody hell. I often wonder what is wrong in people's lives that they feel the need to be so mean to a stranger? It's funny, because ESB's answer always sets the tone... I imagine all the horrible commenters to be small, yappy dogs - with ESB holding on to the leash. I get that the style of this blog is supposed to be a little snarky and sarcastic, but the responses here go beyond that!

    To 'Stuck in the middle' - talk to your mum, and explain FIL situation. She may be more understanding than you think. Good luck.

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  23. You are too young to get married. And you're not going to listen to any of us, but I speak from experience (having gotten married at 20 and then 8 years later looking back and thinking WHAT IN THE HELL WAS I THINKING I WAS AN IDIOT), so really, I'm just trying to save you that. What's the rush in getting married? Finish school. Find out where life takes you after that. Can you imagine what your mother is going to say should you get employed in a city *other* than Houston? I'm 36 and when I go home to Houston my mother still gives me grief for having the audacity to move to California to be with my (2nd) husband. If you can't stand up to her on the wedding issue you are so screwed for life.

    But, considering you're not going to listen to any of that... get married at city hall where his dad can be there, then have a big party in Houston later. Or, wait a while and pick a nice field full of bluebonnets come next Spring and have yourself an outdoor ceremony that would put anything in SMP to shame. The ugliest parts of Texas get a million times prettier in March. So cool your jets.

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    1. yes, wait for the bluebonnets! they are always the answer.

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    2. so true. We drove through TX en route to FL in late March and I picked a million wildflowers. Good tip.

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  24. Someone please tell me where her age is listed! I'm driving myself mad looking for it!

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    1. I think we 30-something wizards are using our "elder knowledge" to infer it from the general maturity level belied in the post, as well as the fact that she and "The Boy" are still in school.

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    2. Huh. . .sounds technical. She could just be a really dumb 30-something. I'm disappointed people have been throwing around her age when no one knows what it is with any certainty.

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    3. I think it's because she said she lives and goes to school in Nacogdoches, so people seem to be assuming she's in undergrad.

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    4. Most people in college aren't teens. . .in fact some of them (gasp) are sage 30-somethings.

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    5. Sure, but not ones that go to school in Nacogdoches

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  25. If the Boy's family live anywhere near Dallas (conveniently located north of Houston and Nacogdouches mid way) I think it's problem solved.

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    1. I hope your spelling of Nachodouches was intentional! hahaha

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  26. A few years down the road you will wish all of his family could have been there and you won't give a shit how pretty your wedding was. (If you're anything like me.)

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  27. I'm going to be a little nice to you than some other commenters, but still: come the fuck on.

    I'm in the process of planning a wedding with my fiance, who is from Texas. My family is from Minnesota. We ultimately chose to have it here because his family is here, most of his childhood/college buddies are here and the people who are in our lives now are here. Most of my friends are pretty dispersed; there's no guarantee any of them could make it no matter where we have the wedding. We'll celebrate in MN later.

    It sucks that a lot of my family can't come. But my mom and dad can be there, and I would be distraught if either couldn't. I guarantee you that if you prioritize your mom's friends over his father, your marriage will get off on the wrong fucking foot. And that won't just fade - he'll be upset, and his family will be upset for a good, long time.

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  28. i think a couple of them could work.. like this is totally cute http://www.nastygal.com/clothes-dresses/hashtag-sweetheart-dress

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    1. too hilarious... completely wrong post.

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