Tuesday, June 12, 2012

My BrideZilla Moment



Dear ESB,

I've debated whether or not I should ask you (and your lovely commenters) this because I'm afraid I already know the answer. But I'm so torn about it!

I kind of.... hate my sister/moh's girlfriend. I've NEVER told or even hinted at this. I mean, she makes my sister happy and SHE loves her so why the hell should my feelings about the gf matter? They don't! I've also recently learned that a lot of my family doesn't either. Both my parents, my other sister, my groom, several close friends... we're all on the same boat of dislike but have never breathed the tiniest word about it. Partly because it isn't our place but partially because my sister is really sensitive/get REALLY offended REALLY easily. But I don't know how to emphasize how unlikable she is! My mom, who never talks bad about anyone, calls her a manipulative liar! In the past she's lied about things just to cause drama between my sister and I. She baby talks ALL the time! She always butts in advice when no one has asked! When she gets drunk she becomes super rude and will pick fights with anyone, my sister included. Then they bicker in front of everyone making us all uncomfortable. She even really inappropriately flirts with my fiance! She just doesn't understand how to properly behave at least 75% of the time.

To cut to the chase, the gf's presence irks me so much that I want to figure out a way to ask my sister VERY politely to not get ready with us pre-wedding. OF COURSE she's still invited to the actual wedding, just the morning hair/makeup/familypre-bonding time. But the gf is SO used to be included in all family events even sister-days.

I'm worried that 1) asking will offend my sister SO MUCH that it'll ruin or make the wedding day super awkward and a thousand times worse than if I had just sucked up and let the gf hang around. 2) Asking will reveal my well hidden complete dislike of the gf and strain the relation between my sister and I.

I don't know what to do! Do I continue to grin and bear it to keep an already established peace and not upset any balances? Or do I let myself have a selfish moment, possibly mar a relationship, possibly ruin my wedding with my sister mad at me, and have my dream wedding morning with JUST my sisters and moms?

- Walking on eggshells

*****

Be selfish. It is YOUR fucking wedding.

(Is this the answer you were expecting??)

19 comments:

  1. I'd just say, don't single you're sister's gf out. Say: I just want to get ready with bride's maids and mom's please, to help keep me calm. No one else's partners are invited. Easy-peasy.

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    1. Exactly, just say wedding party and mom only at the getting ready.

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  2. If your sister's significant other was a guy, you wouldn't be worried about asking her not to attend the pre-wedding portion. Just because she's a girl, doesn't mean she should automatically get invited to that very special, intimate time. Just phrase it like you want your immediate friends and family there only, and leave it at that.

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  3. i agree with Lauren. Don't make it an issue and it won't be an issue.

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  4. Can't you exclude the GF from hell without excluding your sis? Since when do MOHs' significant others get to come? If the GF were a dude, he wouldn't be getting ready with you all, would he?!? Explain that it's a special time just for the bridal party and that no one else's partner is attending either (duh).

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  5. No need for other comments. Between ESB and Lauren you have the perfect answer. This was easy, can we have a hard question next?

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  6. Also, enlist your Mom/sisters/other bridesmaids ahead of time so when your sister goes to complain to someone, they all know the party line.

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  7. I think you should just suck it up.

    1. She already thinks she's "in" with your family so saying "friends and family only" isn't going to deter her since she thinks that INCLUDES her.

    2. In my experience my lesbian and bisexual friends do permit their female partners to behave in a way male partners wouldn't and I think most of them wouldn't bat an eye at bringing their partner to this.

    Maybe you can ask your sister if GF can be a very special helper and come up with some tasks for her to busy herself with that day?

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  8. I'm definitely confused as to how your sister's girlfriend is going to expect to get ready. Has she or your sister said something along the lines of, "can't wait to help you do your hair!"? At which point that would be the opportunity to say it nicely: "Actually [insert name here] I'm just going to get ready with my sister and my bridesmaids."

    Until then you just go about your business like usual, and maybe when it's about a week or two out from the ceremony say something to your sister like, "Do you want me to find your girlfriend a ride with someone else? I don't want her to have to come early and sit around at the hotel bar while we're getting ready."

    That lays out the expectation in a way that makes you seem very considerate. Now if your sister says, "What?! Why can't she join us?!" You can say, "I just want to spend time with you and my other maids. I know she's your girlfriend, but we're just not that close, and something something, my special day".

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  9. My wife hangs out with my friends and I all the time when none of their boyfriends or husbands come. I wouldn't bring her with me to get ready during a wedding if she wasn't also part of the bridal party, but it also seems totally within the realm of possibility that you are right and they will assume its OK. I think that EBS is right, but that you will have to be more direct than some of the other commenters are suggesting.

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  10. There's definitely a weird thing that happens with queer/straight friendships where straight people will have 'girl time' but we're both invited. (I hate 'girl time' for this and many other reasons. If you want time without partners, do that and invite whichever of us you're closer to. If you want to do girly activities like paint your nails, do that and invite people who would like it, including one of my guy friends but not me. If you want women-only space, that is also awesome but eff calling it 'girl time.' OK, rant over.)

    HOWEVER. If I were a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding there's no way my partner would come get ready with us if she weren't specifically invited. Just act like it never even occurred to you that the girlfriend would be getting ready with you and have a very specific list of people who are invited. Don't make it about her, her personality, etc. Just... she's not on the list. You're keeping it small. No one else's partner is invited. &c.

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  11. If your wedding is DIY style, can you give the GF a job during that time, and make a big deal about how important it is to you that someone you really trust can get this thing done for you, while you have special bridesmaids and mom time?

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  12. You poor thing! I think Lauren's advice, above, was spot on. Treat it like a non-issue (but firmly! say 'oh no just maids and moms' and don't ask it like it's a question), and hopefully it won't be one. Say you want to stay calm, and have a group on-hand who will intervene and say "of course, this is about you, not about any of us" in case your MOH needs reminding. You need your sister on your wedding day way more than your sister needs her trainwreck of a girlfriend!

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  13. I just got married a few days ago, and I will always treasure the morning of my wedding with my mom and closest girlfriends. It was so nice that it was just us. I actually decided not to invite one of my closest friends to come along because she is always late, and I wanted to avoid any situations that I thought might irk me on MY big day. It's one day. It goes by super fast, do what you can to make sure you enjoy every moment of it. I agree with the other posters, hopefully you can present it in a way that makes it a non issue and avoid bringing up the subject of your dislike for this girl entirely.

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  14. PS: The fact that you care so much about the gf and your sisters' feelings make you totally NOT a bridezilla. Everything will work out, enjoy the shit out of your party!

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  15. give her some job to do that is away from the getting ready arena.

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  16. Repeat after me: "Before the wedding, these are the people who are invited to get ready with me. I need some space, so it's immediate family only. I hope you'll understand! If you need to be with (GF), then I'll see you both at the ceremony and reception. I love you."

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