Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I consider my engagement and wedding to be the worst year of my life.

Dear ESB,

I imagine you have an overabundant supply of horror stories, but I thought I would contribute - for catharsis, if nothing else. I realize it might be way too long. If you decide to publish it, please keep it anonymous. 

I consider my engagement and wedding to be the worst year of my life. It was cosmically bad.

Starting with my engagement, my husband proposed during one of the worst, most chaotic times of my life. I was finishing up a bunch of requirements for my degree (which mean lots of exams) and planning to present a paper at a conference in Europe for the first time. Stress compounded by more stress. I was working constantly and getting sick from the amount of stress, plus we were in a long distance relationship. He proposes because he is sweet and loves me. I am shocked and too stressed out to respond with the proper amount of happiness and excitement, even though I knew I wanted to marry him. I don't have time or energy to call people and tell them the news, so our engagement begins not with a bang but a whimper. I call my bf and have her tell my friends. Pathetic, but not for someone running on four hours of sleep each night. We are in a long-distance, cross-country relationship so we have to spend the first few months of our engagement 1000 miles apart - which is not fun - until I can move to where he is, my hometown. It's hard to be excited or even to feign excitement when a colleague notices the ring on my finger. 

Then it gets really bad. Everyone expects me to start planning the wedding - my FH, my family, his family, my friends, are all asking questions. My FH and I are paying for the wedding with some help and have a budget under $10,000 (maxing out my possible student loans) but a guest list of 150 - which is doable if you plan it well and do everything yourself. There is not the possibility of hiring a wedding planner. My husband is a sweet-heart, but not up to the challenge of planning, booking, and organizing a large event. My mom is controlling and we have the opposite taste in everything, so she cannot be trusted with decisions. She also makes everything more difficult that it has to be - she could discuss table settings for weeks, when I need to make fast decisions without a lot of effort. She insists on stupid traditions, like having the table linens be the same shade as my dress - when we can't even afford table linens. (Do people actually do that shit?) I'm living 1000 miles from all my friends that could help and they are also pursuing degrees that make them equally busy. Despite these facts, everyone is asking me questions about the date, the venue, the decor, my colors, the bridesmaid dresses, themes, and other crap that I could not care less about because I am focusing on my education and career. When I respond with frustration, it is awkward. I'm engaged - shouldn't I be happily planning and chatting about how great the wedding flowers and my hair will be? My mom is furious at me that I'm not "including" her, even though I am not planning the wedding until I finish my degree requirements. My FH is texting me questions that I don't want to respond to, which creates friction and makes me look like a bitch… I tell everyone that no one is allowed to talk to me about the wedding until I am ready to plan it. I'm the worst bride-to-be ever. 

Then I complete my work and move back to be with my FH and my family. I move from the South where it is 90 degrees and humid to the North where it is 40 degrees and rainy, after completing three exams and pushing myself to finish a major project. I am so stressed out, which combined with the major climate change makes me very, very sick. Sicker than I have ever been. I have to go to the doctor multiple times a week for a month. I have a weakened immune system that will not revive itself. I essentially become sick in every way possible. My skin breaks out in rashes, I have multiple infections, I cannot stay awake, and I cannot digest anything. I feel so sick, I want to die. This goes on for months as I try to plan a DIY wedding on a budget in a tiny studio apartment. I try to have my mom help, but she questions my every decision and makes me feel bad that I cannot afford nice linens or big floral centerpieces or to have our entire huge-ass extended family attend the wedding. I have to cut her out so I don't lose my mind. None of my friends live in my hometown, so I can't have them help. I give my husband tasks that he can complete, but he isn't going to be able to do the invitation calligraphy or make centerpieces, so I do it alone while I'm sick and barely able to stay awake for ten hours at a time. Everyone wants to talk about weddings with me, unaware of how much I have begun to loathe weddings. Oh, and I somehow managed to sew over my finger with a sewing machine the week before the wedding when I was trying to sew table squares while dictating a letter to my MOH. Yes, my finger was completely impaled by a sewing needle and it was gross. I had to use the hand wheel to pull the needle out of my own finger. Luckily my MOH was a med student and not phased at all. 

Oh yeah, and the week before the wedding, my husband and I had to pack up all our belongings to prepare for a cross-country move for my work - so we had the stress of the wedding and moving at once. We were both cranky and over-worked leading up to the wedding. 

The wedding finally arrives and I am healthy! I have been practicing yoga and following a strict gluten-free, sugar-free diet to regain my health. The wedding is a disaster. First of all, I either did everything myself or hired someone who was clueless (which happens when you try to go cheap). Every time I tried to delegate work, it ended up being MORE work because the person would check back with me 5+ times even though I insisted that I did not care and that I trusted his or her best judgment. Or the person ended up complaining about the work, even though it was miniscule compared to what I was doing. (Who are these DIY brides who have friends and family that are willing to help without complaining!?) My mom continued to vocally protest every decision that I made EVEN on the wedding day. I had made detailed instructions for the bridal party and photographers, but no one payed attention and would either disappear or ask me what they were supposed to be doing. A week before I had emailed the photographer a list of shots that I had put together and coordinated with what shots family members wanted. The photographer did not have the list at the actual wedding and expected me to remember them all. My face was twitching during the photos because I felt so overwhelmed by trying to organize the chaos of my own wedding. One of my friends stepped in and helped manage everyone, so I could survive the ceremony. And of course my mom said something very rude to that friend, which made me cringe all over. She not only insulted me, but had to insult the person who was trying to help the most. Perfect. 

I was excited for the reception, which was at a different location (we did a church wedding). Everyone at the reception hall had detailed instructions and I met with the staff multiple times before the wedding. They seemed very capable. I was confident that everything would be beautiful and go smoothly. It did not. A lot of the decor was not set up - which is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but matters on a personal level if you made it by hand and had to forgo other things to spend money on it. The centerpieces looked awful - really awful! - because they had been half set up and so they looked pitifully small and weird. The staff had also sprinkled silica gel on tables because they didn't realize the little packets marked "toxic" were to make sure the dried flowers stayed dry. Silica gel is dangerous if consumed and is most definitely not glitter. We ran out of wine early at the reception, because we anticipated that more people would drink beer since it was summer, but that was not the case. An uncle also berated me about our wine selection,  which was disappointing since we had invested a lot of time in picking out the wine and money in having an open bar. Also, I had designated a friend to be in charge at the reception so no one would bother me, but the staff still came to me with every question. Everyone that I had hired for the wedding seemed capable before the event, and helplessly confused during it. I still have no idea how this happened. Luckily I got two glasses of wine before we ran out! 

I thought things would improve when the dancing started, but no. We had chosen to set up an iPod instead of getting a D.J. to save money. I've been to receptions that use an iPod instead of a DJ, and they have been awesome rock-your-socks-off dance fests. For some reason, it did not work for us. The music and chemistry of the crowd did not jive. People were not happy with the music we chose and kept making requests, which meant everyone was nagging my husband and me to change the music to a different song while we were trying to enjoy our reception. The venue was not conducive towards dancing either. It was not dim enough for our friends to feel comfortable dancing in view of my Quaker-like relatives that looked on with cold stares - and I had placed my these austere relatives right next to the dance floor, which was a horrible decision. Eventually the dance floor got going, but then the reception had to end. Leaving the reception with my husband was our favorite part! 

On top of having a somewhat disappointing wedding, my mom continues to criticize my wedding and all the decisions I made, and it happened over a year ago! Every time she attends a wedding she has to tell me how they did things better. This annoys my husband too. We're thinking of having a "no one is allowed to talk about our wedding ever again" rule. I limited contact with my mother because I was hurt by so many things she had said during the engagement and wedding, as well as afterwards. I needed time to recover.  

Even if circumstances had been friendlier or at least less unfortunate, my husband and I were somewhat doomed from the start. I have never enjoyed dressing up or being the center-of-attention. I also despise being treated like a princess  -- which is the default way to treat a bride, at least in my experience. My husband hates planning and is also an introvert, so he found the wedding stressful even though he was excited to get married. We did not really look forward to or enjoy our wedding that much, which is sad. Part of me wants to say that we should have eloped or "Damn familial obligations and social expectations!" But I can't quite say that. There was something really amazing about seeing how excited people were for us at our wedding. There was genuine, contagious joy, even in the chaos. So I'm happy that we included our family and friends in our wedding, even with all the stress. And now I have 1000 pictures of myself in case I want to become obsessed with my appearance!

43 comments:

  1. what an awful situation!! it's amazing that in the end, she could still pull out a few positives from the experience! hugs!!

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  2. It does sound terrible . . . I can't help but wonder, though, why didn't she just postpone the wedding? Just because she was engaged doesn't mean she needed to start planning that instant, what with everything else going on.

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  3. omg that was horrible. i feel horrible just after reading this.

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  4. The silica gel... I can't. I can't!!

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  5. Fuck. Hope you had a long honeymoon.

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  6. In a time before wedding blogs, the APC book, and wedding planners: wasn't this how *most* weddings went off? I feel like our parents generation all had weddings like this; chaotic, unenjoyable for most of the people involved, and basically just a big expensive social/religious obligation.

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  7. I feel like the silica gel is a metaphor for this wedding - meant to preserve everything, actually made it toxic. I so feel for you.

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    1. I like your insight! So true.

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  8. "First of all, I either did everything myself or hired someone who was clueless (which happens when you try to go cheap)."

    Not always.

    But, damn. Silica gel.

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  9. And that folks, is why you elope.

    But seriously, I feel so awful for you. For people to come to you (instead of your designated friend) or forget their list is unforgivable. Also, your mom was acting like a class A bitch.

    Just remember, a wedding does not a marriage make. I hope yours is long, happy and a lot less stressful than the wedding!

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  10. This is probably the most depressing blog week ever. This is terrible.

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  11. The silica gel is insane, and I can't believe how terrible the mother was.

    That being said, the bride sounds like a bit of a nightmare herself. How about telling your friends and family "We're really excited to be getting married, but because of my job/health situation, we can't start planning right now, and I don't have any details on the wedding." That seems like a better option than snapping at anyone that asked you about it. Also, it rubs me the wrong way that she complained about her wedding party asking questions or disappearing. They're friends helping you out, NOT hired help.

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    1. Agreed, as a guest that has found myself decorating, arranging flowers, even SETTING UP TABLES, fuck you to the brides that think that is my obligation. I WILL do it, but it's a hassle and I am permitted to whine/wear a WTF-bitch-face while I do it.

      I would HOPE your guests' chores were miniscule compared to yours - it was YOUR wedding!

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    2. I'm the anonymous poster. 1. I hired people to set up the reception hall and do everything. 2. The only thing I expected my bridesmaids to do was to show up for pictures and hang out at the reception. I went out of my way to make the day easy for them and make sure they were ok. They were awesome! But they wouldn't stick together when we needed to do photos. That's my only complaint. 3. Everyone got huge thanks, presents, and eternal gratitude for helping! I never batted an eye when they complained about stuff, but it hurt my feelings at a time when I just wanted to enjoy things. 4. Most brides and grooms don't handle everything for their own weddings. They hire people. They get help. If you've ever been the bride or groom it is insane on your wedding day. You must talk to everyone. You must smile all the time. You must be pleasant when you have jitters and want to puke. There's no way you should also be directing the photographer and talking to servers, bartenders, and event coordinators. So I agree that the wedding is the responsibility of the people getting hitched, that doesn't mean they should be the ring leader of a fucking circus.

      Lastly, yes I am a nightmare! My husband told me I'm never allowed to plan a big party again, which is wise. I can laugh at myself and realize the wedding brought out my ugliest faults.

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    3. Also, to clarify I did not mean to blame everyone! Yes my relatives and mom annoyed me with their lack of tact. (Why on god's green earth would you complain to the bride about the wine selection?), but obviously I spent a lot of time and money planning a really bad wedding. I hired a family friend as a photographer who was not a wedding or event photographer to please family and save money. So that's why he was unprofessional and relied on me to give cues. I probably should have hired more staff at the reception hall or a day of the event coordinator. I should have had a DJ and a better venue if I wanted an awesome dance fest.

      So hopefully those additions clarify things. I will never plan another large event as long as I live. I am a disaster.

      Thanks for letting me rant and brides/grooms don't let this get you down. I'm happily married and would endure a far worse wedding to be married to this guy. Our first year of marriage has been bliss

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    4. I apologize. From your original post it sounded like you were expecting a lot more from your bridesmaids/friends. Now that you've clarified, I totally get your disappointment. I'm glad you can look back at it with a sense of humor.

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  12. I feel like this is one of those things where the only viable conclusion is "this is clearly the worst year in the history of the universe, so the rest of our marraige is guaranteed to be nothing but better!" Glad you seem to have a bit of a sense of humor about the whole thing and hopefully you never, um, have to do it again.

    I actually think it is AWESOME to show that not all weddings are parties in fairyland. Cheers for reality.

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    1. Agreed on everything, especially the reality.

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  13. But... Why did you plan the wedding at that time in your life when you were miserable and did not really have the time (or the enthousiasm)? Why not wait 'till after the big move and when things settled down a bit? Being engaged doesn't mean you HAVE to get married right away.

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  14. To y'all asking why she didn't just wait to start planning A) it's supremely unhelpful B) condescending and C) already happened (see A). Maybe she was so sick of everybody –most especially her terrible mother– harping on her that she just decided to get it over with.

    The rudeness of your guests coming up to you and asking to change the music ... I just. I can't. Do they not know how to work an iPod? Glad you survived so many inconsiderate people!

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    1. I'd find it even ruder if they just walked up and changed the ipod without asking though.

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  15. I know I am supposed to find wedding horror story week depressing, but I actually really love it. It's like real life rather than the stupid perfect bliss brides write they experienced on their wedding day in other blogs. In real life, shit goes wrong and people's families are fucked up and in the end the wedding is just another day you tried to plan a huge event in the midst of an imperfect life. These posts have also collectively become an awesome argument for eloping.

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  16. Okay, wow. I felt kind of nauseous reading this, because this was obviously a horrible experience for both the bride and the groom.

    On the other hand...nobody put a gun to your head and forced you to do any of this stuff. You made these choices, and ended up hating them. Tough, but it happens. It sounds like you blamed everyone else for the problems that were created by doing a large wedding on the cheap with no money and no time.

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    1. Yeah, that's what bothered me about this. She blames everyone else - not just vendors, but her friends and family - and doesn't acknowledge how her choices contributed to it. No one said you had to use calligraphy on your invitations. No one said you had to sew table squares.

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    2. Dito. I cannot feel compassionate. She knew she had those exams- so why not wait another year? A year in which she could have saved some money and hire some people who could satisfy her demands. I got nearly agressive because of how she writes about helping friends or family. Too bad they were so incompetent. She's quite a princess for despising to be treated like one.

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    3. Everyone has their reasons for the date they set. It would be A LOT less stressful for us to have a two year engagement. But time doesn't stand still. We're working with an accelerated timeline at a hectic time in our lives because we have a few elderly loved ones it is very important to share our day with. Would I be happier not planning right now? Yes. But I would be devastated if my Gramma wasn't there to share our day with us because we waited.

      Of course the date is a decision we made and we have to take responsibility for that. Being stressed does not give me the right to be queen of the bridezillas.

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  17. You people are incredible, you really are.

    First of all, she's married, so your comments are moot and pretty mean.

    However, that said, perhaps she had serious reasons for scheduling the wedding when she did, moving when she did, 'handling' everything the way she did. Maybe these were things that were out of her control at the time and her date was already set, who knows? .... Walk a mile in her shoes with her same circumstance before you jump so quickly on the hating bandwagon. And why judge anyway? It's certainly not helpful at this point.

    Just sayin'.

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    1. But who, if not the bride and groom, sets the date?

      This bride offered up barely any positivity, pooped on all the folks who worked for her at bargain-basement prices, pooh-pooh'ed her friends and helpers as being annoying, and allowed people's innocuous questions about when the wedding would be to bully her into setting a date. Pointing that out isn't mean. It's true.

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    2. We are incredible? Did you see how long her post was? Did anyone actually read that whole thing? I see something that long on a wedding blog, it screams "PRINCESS" to me. She put her incredibly long story out here for us to read and for those that could actually read it, they are allowed to comment. This woman has no sympathy from me.

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  18. Silica gel!

    I like that you posted this. And to you guys who are criticizing her - I'm sure that part of the reason she thought she wasn't crazy to attempt a DIY $10K wedding is because all kinds of wedding blogs make it sound like that's a totally viable and painless option. Guess what? Sometimes DIY works out and sometimes it doesn't.

    Hugs, lady. Institute the wedding talk rule with your family and just remind yourself that in 20 years you and your husband will probably find at least some of this story hilarious.

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  19. so ... the bride and groom hated the wedding. sounds like all the guests did too.

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  20. I just want to unhelpfully add that I got engaged as my fiance and I were finishing up school. We have been engaged for almost 3 years now.

    We got a lot of flack at first for waiting so long. A lot of people were even rude enough to ask if we were waiting because we weren't sure about each other or to give ourselves time to run.

    A shit ton of finals, a lot of money struggling to save for the wedding, and a lot of eye rolls to the rudes later we're almost there!

    It couldn't have been a better idea to wait! We now have tons of free evenings to do things like DIYs and hand writing invitations and we have saved enough money to have the wedding we wanted + the honeymoon we wanted.

    To all those future brides out there that are still in the process of planning: if it doesn't seem like a good time in your life to plan a wedding, wait! It gives you more time to enjoy the "being engaged" aura, to get out of that "wedding blogs make me feel ugly" funk, to save your money, and be at least a little happier than this bride was with her wedding. Also, wedding planning kind of SUCKS. People bug you all the time about useless shit, you have to deal with cranky vendors that never return your calls, deal with a future MIL hounding you about what she should wear. It really does suck. So if anything else in your life sucks at the moment, it will only add to it.

    To the OP, sorry to hear about your wedding. But hey! It's over now! And you never need to do it again! You just get to enjoy the rest of your life with your husband and in a couple of years, laugh at the bad memories.

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  21. Fuuuuck. I'm sure it only got better from there. Right? RIGHT? Please say it got better.

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  22. i am getting married very soon and while some of these wedding horror stories HAVE in fact calmed me down, the ones about terrible moms are freaking me the fuck out 'cause i have one of those moms. can we have warning tags at the top of the posts? #drunkuncle #terriblemom #wellintentionedbutdumbfriends #awfulvendors and so on?

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    1. Ah the terrible moms! I'm engaged to a wonderful guy, who has a controlling mother and an older sister who suffered throughout her wedding planning as a result. Her advice and I hope it helps you is to gently remind your mom as often as possible that YOUR wedding is NOT ABOUT HER. It's about YOU and YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND and you have every right to do it however you want without being made to feel like a bad person!

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  23. Oh my god. This is my planning life TO A TEE. Got engaged while in the middle of school, long distance relationship, planned a DIY wedding on a 5-month time frame, graduating college, and moving the day after our wedding... it was nuts! On a personal side note, the reason why we had such a rushed timeline is because my fiance was stationed on the west coast and I lived in the midwest- our families are very conservative, and living together before being married was NOT an option. There could be a similar reason for why she didn't take the normal (?) amount of time to plan her wedding. Anyway, we made the tough decision, and I (along with amazing friends/family members) got it all done in 5 months. It was ridiculous, but the wedding was awesome, and I'm really sorry that this girl had such an unsupportive family.

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  24. WHY WON'T YOU BITCHES SUMMARIZE???????????????

    i'm trying to browse, not read a damn novel.

    good fucking grief.

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