Monday, October 17, 2011

Do I speak up, or ROCK THE SLUTTY?


Dear ESB,

I got married last year (for the record: lovely ceremony, fun party, still read your blog, obvi). My sister and my husband's sister were bridesmaids, and they were great. Looked beautiful, super helpful, just perfect.

Now my husband's sister is getting married, and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I'm very touched. We don't know each other that well, but we did some good bonding over my wedding, and I'd like to continue to get to know her better. 

The problem arises with the bridesmaid dresses. I know she is the bride and I will rock whatever dress she picks out for us. But... she picked out dresses from a lingerie store. They look like the kind of thing you'd buy as a prank for a bachelorette party.  I'm talking built-in padding, hemline at the ass crease, etc. When I asked her what style she was going for, she said, "slutty."

So, I can rock the slutty. I'll wear the damn thing with a perfect pucker in all the photos if that's what she wants. But I'm afraid this wedding is going to be a tacky train wreck! Although I know my main job is to make the bride happy, I really doubt that seeing 5 grown women in skin-tight polyester minis is going to make anyone happy.

So what to do? Say, "girl, do you really want grams to see my cellulite jiggling down the altar?" Or should I just suck it up (and in with some Spanx)?

Yours,
I Don't Want To But I Will

*****

And The Bridesmaid Of The Millenium Award goes to........... YOU.

But yeah. No.

What you really ought to ask her is: "Aren't you afraid we'll steal the focus?"

*****

UPDATE: Per Rob's request, our long-suffering bridesmaid sent a link to the NEW! Miraculous® Push-Up Ruched Bra Top Dress.


"Yeah, the red one."

In case that changes anyone's mind.

Top photo: Britt Maren by Hugh Lippe for Russh #42 via Fashion Gone Rogue

36 comments:

  1. Everyone will be waiting for the inevitable nip slips and not the vows/kiss etc, that's for damn sure.


    This totally could be a letter from Courtney Stodden's future sister in law. Too bad she's already married (ick).

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  2. Mention it ... gently. Or is she joking? Ha.

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  3. Bravo for being open to the insanity of your sis-in-law. I think when Mom sees the dresses she'll probably be the one to speak up, so I wouldnt worry about having to be the naysayer. That being said, if she thinks its fine, and the Bride wants it... buy some Spanx and a bottle of tequila, its gonna be a party.

    ps. Pictures please!

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  4. oh my, just had a slightly terrifying thought. .. what is SHE going to wear?

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  5. She really said "slutty"???? That is priceless.

    Also, sic your brother on her, but do it discreetly. I doubt he wants to see his sister in lingerie on his wedding day.

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  6. I don't normally comment - but just had to say I have never agreed with esb more! And if she doesn't pick up on your subtle suggestions - then yes I would like to request pictures!

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  7. What Molly said. Seems like her brother or mother would have some input.
    I would honestly have to bow out if it were me. I don't think I could wear lingerie in front of my grandparents/parents. (or anyone besides my husband, does that make me a prude?)

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  8. Wow, "slutty" is a wedding theme I somehow had't thought of before. You definitely win bridesmaid of the millennium; no way I could rock clubwear to a wedding, at least I don't think so. I would probably tell her it would make me uncomfortable, and decline. I agree with anon who said that her mom might put a stop to this nonsense. Maybe you can speed the process up by having your husband send a pic of said dress to their mom.

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  9. link to the dress in question por favor?

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  10. Are there other bridesmaids? Could you team up and approach her as a slutty collective?

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  11. Umm, wow? You're sure this is a wedding?

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  12. Yikes! I'm gonna second the call for Spanx and hard liqueur. And might I add that this must be one hot group of bridesmaids if the bride is confidant they can all pull off that dress. Have fun!!

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  13. I guess I have a dirty mind, because I was picturing waaaaay worse - think see through + strategic bows. I mean, not that I would be super excited to wear this, but it is nearly knee length and completely non-see through.

    Seriously boobalicious, though. Yikes.

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  14. ROCK THE SLUTTY. Seriously, it's bad, but not that bad. Only really bad I'd youve got big knockers already. -miss Georgia

    My phone won't let me correct my I'd to if, damn it.

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  15. That's a lot of info (photo and all). Just hope your husband's sister doesn't read ESB. 'Cause that would be...kinda...awkward.

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  16. OH MY LORD, rock it. She'll owe you forever

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  17. 'snot so bad! ;p suck it in and rock it!

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  18. i kind of want to go to this wedding. i bet it's going to be brilliant.

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  19. that's not bad! it sounded like she was putting you in lingerie, but she's just buying some smokin' dresses from a company that does clothes AND lingerie. wear it fool

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  20. i mean, it's not classy, but someone's always gonna bring the tramp-factor to the party.

    have fun!

    (and also, invest in good spandex. srsly. that ruching is gonna kill everyone.)

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  21. As someone who was also once dressed in a trashy red dress to be in someone's wedding party, the only thing you can do is buy some good spandex, laugh it out regularly for the rest of your life, and have some tasty cocktails at the reception.

    Everyone loves having a "you think that tackerific thing was bad?? I was in my sister-in-law's wedding and she put us in these CRAZY bright red tight halter dresses! It was insane!" story, and this is your story.

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  22. On the bright side, it's a dress that costs under $100 so that's...um...considerate of the bride.

    I say take it over the top with sky high heels and black lace hose or tights.

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  23. I mean, if you have a slammin' bod, yeah it's not that bad. I'd look like Patsy/Edina in this dress - esp. with a few cocktails. Gross.

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  24. this is way less slutty than i thought it would be. i mean, at least your ass will be covered. would i be super comfortable in this dress? NO. but it's not as bad as it *could* be. and if she doesn't come off of the slut factor, the people demand photos.

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  25. ditto naurnie.

    the only difference would be boobies. if you've got them, you might be spilling out of this dress.

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  26. This bride is having a slutty themed wedding! I think all you can do is rock the dress and thank your stars that she is becoming your SIL because that is RAD.

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  27. Maybe b/c the photo came late now I think it is really not bad at all. It's SO MUCH longer than I imagined from the original description and so much less lingerie-y. Sure it's tacky but unless you've got a huge rack it won't be so slutty.

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  28. @IDWTBIW YOU HAVE A HUGE RACK, DON'T YOU??

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  29. I Don't Want To But I WillOctober 19, 2011 at 3:46 AM

    I've got a fine rack, but this dress makes anyone's look gigantic. Also, this picture is deceiving on the length. I'm 5'6" and the dress definitely hits upper-thigh. I don't know if VS has short models or what, but you can see that a little better in the first photo on the website.

    I needed to invest in some good Spanx anyway, so I'm going all out. Bring on the tequila!

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  30. if the bridesmaids are even slightly curvier than those models, the dress is gonna sit way higher on the thigh, and it's gonna be SHORT. Also, if the theme is "slutty" will the bride be wearing a corset top dress a la pnina tornai?

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  31. @IDWTBIW I haven't seen my invitation in the mailbox yet.

    As I read all the comments all I can think about is how every time the ladies move the dress will ride higher and higher. These will be virtually impossible to tango in. Heck, rumba will cause problems. But it just might be one hell of a party, enjoy the tequila!

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  32. @Molly 10/17 1pm - I thought of that as well, "Sis, I love you, but I'm putting my foot down and I don't want my wife wearing that in public." But, then, I thought, if he's anything like my husband, he'd say, "But babe, you look hot in that." (I wouldn't look hot in that, by the way, mostly because I'd be too self conscious. However, I'm 5'2" and an A cup, so I'd have it a lot easier than IDWTBIW, in this case.)

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